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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A fine romance, this is > A fine romance, without any kisses > I'll never muss the crease on your blue serge pants > I never get the chance > This is a fine romance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How DARE you!  Klingons do not tease like that!  And further, you } had the gaul to defile the most sacred part of a warrior's battle } dress, his blue serge pants? You shall die!  Klingons never tolerate } submissive behavior in their lovers. } } Guard, to the airlock with him! } } 3,    2,      1,      <FIRE!!!> }                                     _ }                                   _|_|_ }                                 ^/ . ..\^ }                             ___[=========]___ }                  ___-==++""" .  /. . .  \ .  """++==-___ }            __-+"" __\   .. . .  | ..  . |  . .  .   /__ ""+-__ }           /\__+-""   `-----=====\_ <O> _/=====-----'   ""-+__/\ }         _/_/                      ""=""                      \_\_ }        /_/                                                     \_\ }       //                            |                            \\ }      /")                          \ | /                          ("\ }      \o\                           \*/                           /o/ }       \_)                       --**O**--                       (_/ }                                    /*\ }                                   / | \ }                                     | } } Klingons (and Oracles) do not tolerate wimpy lovers... } } You have been smitten.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Derest, and most beloved Oracle! > > If i turn left at the nucleus, and step over those two electrones, > will I be able to share those electron with the nucleus without > causing what's known as a 'nuclear explosion' in some circuits? Or > is it just that I am very very small today? Or what IS it really? > > PLEASE help me. I think there's a myon heading my way! > /Zap

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On the controversial new authors lecture circuit, you would only } generate mixed reviews. } } On the professional racing circuit, you would receive blank stares. } } On the Oracle's own social circuit, which includes such notables } as Bohr, Heisenberg, and the Supreme Being, you would be greeted } with an explosion of laughter.  However,.... } } On the "Fundamentalist Preachers Who Think Falwell is a Wimp" lecture } circuit, engaging in quantum intercourse with a (formerly) Noble gas } will produce an explosion of righteous condemnation. Should you then } engage in electron swapping, with unmarried particles below legal size, } there will be a wave of Fire'n'Brimstone pulled down from on high } and cast upon your sinful brow. Should you then profane the accepted } order of the universe by allowing those electrons to penetrate deep } within your quantum tunnel, the sulpherous invective resulting from } this unnatural act will no doubt trigger the apocalypse. Which will } closely resemble a nuclear explosion, or a Tunamelt on rye. } } You owe the Oracle a fallout shelter, complete repentence, and three } soggy cheesepuffs

The Usenet Oracle has ponderedour question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omniimpont Oracle, where do I get off?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Omniimpotent?"  My, how amusing. } } Where do you get off?  No problem, let's just consult your ticket. } Hmmm, a 2nd class ticket via train from Wainscotting to } Upcrust-on-Pyle, via Snormouth.  Oh, dear, we seem to have already } passed the Upcrust station, but no matter, we'll just let you off RIGHT } NOW! } } <bangcrashthumpbouncerollrollroll ...> } } Oh, dear, I suppose we should have stopped the train first. } } Harump, "Omniimpotent," indeed! } } You owe the Oracle a Eurail pass.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question has been referred to the autoreply daemon.  Your question } fits several categories, please pick the appropriate reply from the } enclosed list. } } 1)Having trouble getting words out?  Sentences getting painfully stuck } halfway?  Try delicious chocolate flavored Textlax for relief from } mental constipation. } } 2) What??  Lip-synching your questions again??  I'm afraid you'll have } to return that Orky award we gave you last year. } } 3)Congratulations!  You have just turned in the winning entry in our } competition:"All the good reasons to declare war on Iraq." } } 4) Thank you.  The oracle advises a great many of its followers to keep } quiet if they have nothing worthwhile to ask -- it's nice to be taken } literally once in a while. } } 5) Is that all?  After years of net sex I tell you I'm having a baby PC, } and all you have to say for yourself is <carriage return>??

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's Christmas time again, and people will be asking Santa Claus for > all kinds of good (and not so good) stuff.  Me, I don't want anything > special; I just want something different this year.  Every year its the > same thing -- my mother sends me another fruitcake.  I tried to eat it > the first time she sent one to me, but I couldn't eat the thing, so I > threw most of it out.  Then I felt guilty. > > The next year, she sent me another.  I gave it to a now former > girlfriend.  She hasn't spoken to me since. > > I got another one last year, and I kept it almost a whole year.  I just > threw it out last week because my mom was coming to visit, and I > couldn't let her see that I didn't eat last years.  She brought another > one with her this year, and I don't know what to do. > > Tell me Oracle, why do people keep sending fruitcakes at Christmas, when > no one actually eats the things?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's become part of the American tradition.  Slowly, oh-so-slowly, } people are realizing that most Americans hate fruitcake and will not eat } it.  Partly this is because manufactured fruitcakes have almost no } batter and are almost all candied fruit and low-grade nut (the batter } portions get stale more readily, and so manufacturers keep them to a } minimum), and follish American cooks have tried to emulate that. } } A well-made fruitcake, with a reasonable amount of batter, preserved in } a large quantity of rum, brandy, Kirschwasser, or good Bourbon, is not a } bad thing, though still not to everybody's taste.  A few monasteries } make a pretty good one (the Trappists at Gesthemani in Kentucky -- they } use Bourbon.  But the cheese they make is better than the fruitcake, and } really they should be making ale like the Belgian Trappists make, or } whiskey -- good manly things, not like wimpy fruitcake). } } Take heart and know that sales of fruitcake are plummeting throughout } the U.  S., and so you are not alone in being sick of fruitcake. } However, fruitcake makes great caulking, and can save you quite a few } dollars a month on heating and cooling bills (depending on the climate, } of course).  It's also great as a substitute for plaster.  Not even the } cockroaches and mice will eat it except when starved. } } The Oracle suggests that in August, gently hint to your mother that you } don't like fruitcake.  Say that you think it's too sweet and rots the } teeth and makes you gain weight.  Increase the vehemence of your anti- } fruitcake tirades gradually up until Thanksgiving.  Unless your mother } is really obtuse, she'll get the idea.  If she sends one anyway, give it } to your local food bank.  A really hungry family might appreciate the } sheer caloric bulk of the thing.  If she asks about its disappearance, } claim that you had an impromptu party and that other people (not you -- } hint that you don't really go for it any more -- too sweet for an adult } palate) pigged out on it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do some girls and why don't other girls?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some girls are nymphomaniacal sluts who can't control themselves and } will insert any vaguely phallic object up their crotches but prefer } a live human penis attached to a man.  Other girls are frigid virgins } who wouldn't like sex much even if anybody would bother to offer it. } And there's everything in between -- nymphomaniacal virgins who have } incredible self-control and want to fuck every man in sight, but save } it for marriage (often their husbands do not survive the honeymoon, but } what a wonderful way to die: sexual excess with a horny bride!), frigid } women who have to force themselves to have sex and fake orgasms and } pretend to enjoy them because they fall in love easily and think that } if they have sex with a man he will be theirs forever and so they close } their eyes and hope to ensnare a husband.  All manner of variations, } as multitudinous as the members of the human race. } } The Oracle is a bit old-fashioned and thinks that sex before marriage } can be great fun, but is usually a bad idea in the long run.  The old } ideas about there being two kinds of women, the ones you fuck and the } ones you marry, and about asking each successive girlfriend if she'll } screw with you and marrying the one who refuses, seem very sound to It. } } A woman can be a whore or a lady.  A man can be a satyr (or gigolo) or } a gentleman.  Do as you damned well please, but expect only the respect } you deserve. } } <The Oracle peels off its beautifully-made rubber head-mask to reveal }  the smiling face of Jesse Helms.>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My girlfriend says that I will never understand her because I've never > been a woman.  Of course I haven't!  How many men have?  What does she > expect me to do, go around in drag or have a sex-change operation? > It's not as if there were some way to temporarily change sex or > something.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, actually, your girlfriend has hit upon something...  you see, } Shirley McLaine is not really all that far off base.  Reincarnation is a } true and wonderous thing.  The most well-adjusted people you know have } past lives as all sorts of species and in all genders.  Looking back at } your history, one quickly discovers that you have NEVER, and I mean } NEVER, had a reincarnation as anything but a male (although there was a } stint as an asexual petunia, but that really doesn't count). } } If you had, of course, spent some time as a female ANYTHING, then your } past memories would subconsciously help you in dealing with your } girlfriend (who has had a VERY interesting history, which I'll keep } around for future reference...  let's just say she has had some } interesting relationships in her past lives, including kings, queens, } popes, artists, and a few other things too strange to discuss without } proper compensation...  in other words, it will cost you). } } Now, how do we deal with this.  I've marked your file with an entry that } your next 17 incarnations will be female, so in...  oh, 1413 years you } should be okay.  Until then, you'll just have to do what males have been } doing for years: } } 1)  Hide all the sharp objects } 2)  Say "Yes, dear, I know..." quite a lot } 3)  Spend as much time out of the house (away from her) as you can }     without risking loss of life or limb } 4)  Put the toilet seat down, even if you didn't leave it up. } 5)  MOST IMPORTANT:  Never argue with them two weeks before or two weeks }     preceeding any menstrual period, and don't argue with them DURING }     the period either.  In fact, it would be best just to get as far }     away as possible (I recommend Guam). } } You owe the Oracle snapshots of your next three lives, plus $15K in } unmarked bills for a copy of the file on your girlfriend.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I keep getting balaclavas and baklavas confused.  When I try to eat one > of them it's really hard to chew; when I try to wear one of them I get > honey and bits of pastry all over my head.  How do I avoid this > confusion?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   The Oracle has searched high and low for an answer to your question, } and finally found it inscribed in volcanic rock near the European town } of Leipzig (site of the famous "Bach Lava"). } }   Simply tilt your head back as far as you can.  If you have pastry, it } will slide right into your mouth.  Otherwise, you will be all right. } }   If this does not work, then the Oracle advises you to learn a foreign } language in which these two objects have words that are less similar.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happens to good little computers when they die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When good little computers die, they go to the computer version of } heaven (ver. 4.0).  Computer heaven is a place where Motorola-based } systems and Intel-based systems frolic together in the meadows, } unashamed of their lack of chassis.  Computer heaven is a place where } "(A)bort, (R)etry, or (I)gnore" are words that do not have any meaning } whatsoever.  Computer heaven is a place where 0% of development time is } spent on debugging, as opposed to the figure of 98.23% here on Earth. } Computer hell is a scary place.  It's full of noisy cooling fans, } Miniscribe fixed-disks, people who say "Microcomputer".  Furthermore, } the whole place is ruled by Timex Sinclairs and Vic-20's.  For a vision } of computer limbo, look around.  We're deeply mired in it. } } You owe the Oracle a bug free program which can write any bug free } program.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a runner always has to run half his remaining distance, how does > he ever finish the race?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually finishing the race is not the problem, since even if the runner } had microscopic enough feet to take the progressively tinier steps } without stepping over the finish line accidentally, everyone knows it's } a geometrically decreasing time sequence for each additional 'half', so } the total time it takes is just a number.  No, the problem is with the } mental state of the athelete.  See, after the first half of the race is } over, the runner has to think twice as fast in order to perceive the } rest of the race as he perceived the whole race initially.  After he's } gone half *that* distance, he has to think twice as fast again.  By the } time he's gone 0.9999999 of the way, he's thinking so fast he'd put a } Cray to shame.  Finally he crosses the finish line in finite time, but } in the meantime he's thunk so damn fast he's blown every neuron in his } head.  Ever wonder why sprinters always have such goofy grins? } } You owe the Oracle a gold medal and a lobotomy.