} Well, actually, your girlfriend has hit upon something... you see,
} Shirley McLaine is not really all that far off base. Reincarnation is a
} true and wonderous thing. The most well-adjusted people you know have
} past lives as all sorts of species and in all genders. Looking back at
} your history, one quickly discovers that you have NEVER, and I mean
} NEVER, had a reincarnation as anything but a male (although there was a
} stint as an asexual petunia, but that really doesn't count).
} If you had, of course, spent some time as a female ANYTHING, then your
} past memories would subconsciously help you in dealing with your
} girlfriend (who has had a VERY interesting history, which I'll keep
} around for future reference... let's just say she has had some
} interesting relationships in her past lives, including kings, queens,
} popes, artists, and a few other things too strange to discuss without
} proper compensation... in other words, it will cost you).
} Now, how do we deal with this. I've marked your file with an entry that
} your next 17 incarnations will be female, so in... oh, 1413 years you
} should be okay. Until then, you'll just have to do what males have been
} doing for years:
} 1) Hide all the sharp objects
} 2) Say "Yes, dear, I know..." quite a lot
} 3) Spend as much time out of the house (away from her) as you can
} without risking loss of life or limb
} 4) Put the toilet seat down, even if you didn't leave it up.
} 5) MOST IMPORTANT: Never argue with them two weeks before or two weeks
} preceeding any menstrual period, and don't argue with them DURING
} the period either. In fact, it would be best just to get as far
} away as possible (I recommend Guam).
} You owe the Oracle snapshots of your next three lives, plus $15K in
} unmarked bills for a copy of the file on your girlfriend.