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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> if i passed algebra but failed calculus, what does that say about me ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You do it discretely but not continuously.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> were pencils ever made from copper or tin instead of lead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ho hum.  Here, let me see.  I think I can manage a lookup for you, } curious mortal. } } % lookup -topic pencil -origin -short -lang eng } } [ From "THE PENCIL CHRONICLES: The Private Log of a scientist"... }   published XXXX.338S Kior, (c) 32j0000X0 Reference: YU32229VB-3SW ] } } ==Mon March 24== } Took piece of charcoal from the lab furnace and drew picture of Mabel on } piece of paper during lunch.  Found the lump to be somewhat crude. } Found it difficult to draw her delicate nose.  If the instrument could } be refined, I could truly draw a fine picture. } } ==Tue March 25== } Trimmed charcoal down to thin cylinder.  Crumbled to dust as I grasped } it in my hand.  Mabel's nose still looks like W.C.  Field's honker. } Need to explore alternative, more reliable materials.  Will be taking } Mabel out to the company picnic soon and would like to present her with } my finished portrait. } } ==Wed March 26== } Found some Uranium in the shielded safe.  Lathed it down to a thin } cylinder.  This thing works great!  Spent the afternoon drawing Mabel } and fixed her nose.  Drew in the rest of her body and long hair.  Need } to look into mass marketing this thing. } } ==Thu March 27== } My right hand has begun to mutate and it now strongly resembles a large } toad.  All other work has grinded to a stop.  I am obsessed with } perfecting this writing instrument.  Will try casing the cylinder with a } protective shield that will protect my hand from the nasty discoloration } caused by the element that is so hard to wash off even when using soap. } } ==Fri March 28== } The wooden casing looks stunning in its bold yellow color and its } natural wooden texture feels quite comfortable within my grip.  However } my hand has continued to mutate along with a good portion of my lower } arm.  Need conductive element to ward off the magnetization of the wood. } Will try replacing the Uranium with copper. } } ==Sat March 29== } Ripped out some thick copper wiring from the computer and replaced the } Uranium.  To my horror, the copper instrument tore my portrait to } shreds.  Spent rest of morning gluing it back together.  The copper has } got to go. } } ==Mon March 31== } The picnic was not good.  Mabel hated the portrait, and would not } receive my advances.  She also passed on the three legged race.  What a } bore she is. } } Tried to jump her on the coach ride home.  But she would have none of } that.  I might be just too self conscious, but I think she noticed the } change in my right arm.  Tried to get under her dress but she was quite } adamant. } } Spent the rest of afternoon getting bullet removed from my thigh. } Brought it back to the lab for analysis.  I have an idea. } } You owe the oracle a ball point pen.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does my belly button collect lint?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All the good hobbies were taken up by other body parts. } } You owe the Oracle a hobby for the tonsils.

The Usenet Oracle has ponderedour question deeply. Your question was:

> Morgen habech ein Deutsch pruefung.  Why am I not studying for it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Either you need to study, or you don't. } If you don't, then there's nothing to worry about. } If you do, then... }    Either you can pass the test, or you can't. }    If you can't, then there's no need to study. }    If you can, then... }       Either you want to pass, or you don't. }       If you don't want to pass, then there's no problem. }       If you do, then... }          ...you would be studying. } }          You are not studying. Therefore: }             There's no problem; or }             There's no need to study; or }             There's nothing to worry about. Or all three. } } So kein Problem, es macht nichts, hab kein Angst...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise orae, this week has been such hell.  And next week will only be > worse.  Can you please tell me how to skip about a week or so ahead in > time and just avoid this altogether?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alcohol abuse.  And to skip aboua week or so ahead will require } some *serious* abuse.   This incarnation *hates* Scotch, so I suggest } bourbon.  Purchase 7 gallons of bourbon.  Yes, that's *gallons*. } Trust the Oracle to know what's good for you.  The Oracle likes } Wild Turkey.   Buy a liter of Wild Turkey.  The rest should be } whatever is on special.  Start making ice.  Get a glass, put in two } ice cubes, and two fingers of Wild Turkey.  Sip it slowly.  Ahh, } last week wasn't so bad, was it?  It'll seem better soom.  Two more } ice bubes, and two fingers of Wild Tukey.  Drink it.  Ahh, last week } is becoming more ditant all the tine.  Two more icubes, and two fingerws } of Wils Turkey.   Slam it back.  Next week is going to be *just fine*. } BNetter make somemore ice.  Never mind, jst take the bottle and slam } back some more WildTurkeee.  oops, The Oracle can see that it should } have told you to use plastic cubs instead of a glass.  Better not } slip on that mess!  Never, mind, just take anther sip of that chaep } rot gut.  Wehnever you wek up, check ot see if a weeek has gone by. } if not, contineu to drink.  If so, take asprin. } } You owe the Oracle a lost weekend.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How long has the oracle been around?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has been around just as long as The Oracle's been acube, } atetrahedron, anoctahedron, adodecahedron, and anicosahedron.  The } Oracle has not been ahypercube for nearly that long, though it does } provide a unique point of view.  Ahypericosahedron is next. } } You owe The Oracle Acan Oftuna.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A quote from the Exquirer, "Top Scientists Baffled!" > > Who are these "top scientists" and why are they talking to the tabloids?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I see that you have misread that article.  Many top universities have } recently enacted a policy directing sound baffles to be placed around } their top scientists solely to prevent them from talking to expert } news sources like the Exquirer.  These baffled top scientists, freed } from the pressure of interviews, increase their work output by up to } nineteen percent.  The top scientists, when asked to comment on the } situation, replied "Mmf grmph umble blum."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just what *is* a Grape Nut, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The "official" answer is:  sorry, I can't tell you.  The Oracle } signed a legal agreement with Ewell Gibbons never to reveal the true } nature of the Grape Nut. } }       On the other hand, I'm the fucking ORACLE and I can tell anyone } that I damn please.  Grape Nuts were invented by chance in 1926 when } someone accidentally dropped rubber into an oven.  No wait, that's how } vulcanized rubber was invented.  It's hard to keep the two straight. } }       Grape Nuts were discovered by Dr. Barbara "Tweezer" Vilefinger, } the famous Egyptian archaeologist.  Upon opening a previously } undiscovered tomb in the Sahara desert, Vilefinger and her team were } surprised to discover some perfectly preserved Egyptian cereal ("The } Breakfast of Pharaohs").  They brought it back to the United States with } the intention of donating it to the Smithsonian Museum's new "Snacks of } the Ancients" exhibit. }       Unfortunately, due to a series of mishaps, the cereal slipped out } of their possession and into the hands of Ewell Gibbons, a prominent } Naturalist and general root-eating kind of guy.  Not knowing that the } cereal was thousands of years old, he tried a spoonful and pronounced it } "extremely vile, but probably good for you." Post soon became } interested, and the rest is history. } }       You owe the Oracle a bowlfull of Quisp.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, what's going on here?  I just don't understand it.  Nothing > makes any sense at all.  Everything is mixed-up.  I'm sooo confused. > Please tell me why. > > My problem is that I can't just say things once.  I have to repeat > myself all the time, but in different ways.  I don't say things just one > time, but redundantly say it again.  I can't seem to come right out and > say what I want to say then shut up. > > What can I do?  How can I stop doing this?  Tell me how to cease this. > I need help.  Please assist me.  HHHHEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPP!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To your dilema, I only offer this: } } 1     Avoid Thesauruses.  Roget doesn't need any help, and you certainly }       don't need any of his either. } } 2     Stay away from massively parallel computer systems.  Multi }       processors will only aggreavate you and compound the problem. } } 3     Chop off an arm, a leg, an ear and anything else that you have two }       of. Again, redundancy is bad for you.  Remove a lung while you're }       at it. } } 4     Never go to the same place more than once.  This includes }       restrooms, restaurants, beds, your workplace, etc.  Any repetition }       may cause a recurrance. } } 5     Avoid books of synonyms, multiprocessor computers, redundant limbs }       and bodily organs, and deja vu. } } Now I hope that this is the kind of information you needed.  It is the } type of answer that you had asked for.  Advice to you such as this } really is that which you had requested.  It's the Oracle's job to answer } your inquiries with the proper solutions. } } Hope this helps. } } You owe the Oracle the installation of several redundant backup systems.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that libraries never carry Abbie Hoffman's "Steal This > Book"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed, mortal, libraries used to carry this book.  Of course it would } be stolen regularly, but there was usually a special budget line for } replacing it. } } Until the University of California at Berkeley had a bad experience. } "Steal This Book" was cataloged under call number HX 844 .H56.  Well, } it seems that a dyslexic kleptomaniac with short-term memory } dysfunction had discovered the book on the shelves, and immediately } proceeded to rip it off.  Because of his dyslexia, however, he seized } upon the book just to the left of it on the shelf.  And because of his } short-term memory dysfunction, he returned every ten minutes or to } steal the book again. } } This went on for several days before the library staff noticed anything; } by then, all of the books down to "GV" had been stolen. } } The left-handed dyslexic short-term-memory-dysfunctional kleptomaniac } was apprehended.  Unfortunately, shortly thereafter a right-handed } dyslexic short-term-memory-dysfunctional kleptomaniac came upon the } book.  This time Berkeley lost everything through "JN." } } Embarrassed, the Library Administration tried to cover up the losses, } but once word got around, libraries all over the country began putting } "Steal This Book" in their locked cabinets. } } You owe the oracle one Eugene McCarthy for President flower power } sticker.