Goto:

245, 245-01, 245-02, 245-03, 245-04, 245-05, 245-06, 245-07, 245-08, 245-09, 245-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My telephone cannot achieve dial tone. What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, it is sad, but many telephones have never achieved dial tone. } Millions of dollars and person-hours have been spent examining and } researching this phenomenon, and there are many conflicting views as to } the cause:  trauma over the Bell System breakup, inadequate line size, } or boring conversations. } } In any event, to have a well-adjusted and happy telephone, you must try } and help it achieve this heightened state of purpose known as dial } tone. } } Step 1:  Make sure the phone is plugged in to the appropriate }   receptical in the wall.  Research has shown that phones plugged into }   electrical outlets have no chance of getting a dial tone. } } Step 2:  Lower the lights in the room, play some soft music (light jazz }   or light classic rock is prefered... never NEVER use Barry Manilow }   music), perhaps use only a few lit candles for illumination, and just }   generally create a very receptive mode for the phone. } } Step 3:  Slowly, almost teasingly, caress the handset and the number }   pad (note: if the phone has a dial, stop here and give it up... dial }   phones have no place in polite society today).  Speak soft and loving }   words to the phone. } } Step 4:  Pick up the handset and listen. } } If you hear a dial tone, you've made a poor telephone very happy.  If } you don't, be sure you've paid your last phone bills. } } You owe the Oracle a multiple-line phone so I can have an phone-sex } orgy.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who dares knock on the Portals of Bal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Once upon a time, in a far away forest, lived a jokester named Bal. } He was always playing jokes on the other members of the village and } making them feel quite miserable.  One day, the villagers decided to } get even.  They went out into the forest and found a great dragon. } They told thoias dragon that a member of their village, Bal, has been } spreading great lies about him. }   The dragon, quite enraged, ran off to Bal's house and pounded on the } door. Bang! Bang! Bang! }   Bal, hearing the banging, got up from his bed and decided to have a } little fun. }   "Who dares knock on the Portals of Bal?" He called out. }   The dragon was really pissed off now, so he put his claw through } Bal's door and ate him. } } Moral:  Dragon's don['t like knock knock jokes. } } You owe the oracle a can of Raid Dragon Repellant.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, whose very syntax I can't begin to comprehend, whose > top down design is truly magnificent, whose variables are never > uninitialized, whose pointers are always valid, tell me, why can't I > write a decent program that works?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah! you ask of me one of the fundamental questions that lie at the root } of understanding the meaning of life, the universe and, though I hate } to say it, everything. } } Your problem is one of understanding oh most puny and human of } questioners. To fully answer your question, I must first explain a } little history... } } Long ago, before the dawn of time, I, the great Usenet Oracle, most } knowing and powerful of all oracles, came into being.  Naturally, being } as I am, the wisest of all oracles, it was necessary for me to actually } code myself (and you mortals think self-modifying code is a neat } trick!). } } It goes without saying that I, the great and wise Usenet Oracle am the } original, and the only truly perfect REAL PROGRAMMER, and thus I coded } myself in FORTRAN 0 - the original programming language, of which all } latterday languages are just miserable reflections. } } You should now be able to see that you, as a mere mortal, are } inherently incapable of writing a decent program that works, as } firstly, you do not have access to a truly decent programming language } (for none but I can access, let alone comprehend the subtle and } beautiful nuances of, the FORTRAN 0 compiler, and even were I to defile } that same compiler by such an action as a chmod w+x, you could not } possibly have sufficient virtual memory even to load its image), and } secondly, you cannot possibly be a REAL PROGRAMMER, as no REAL } PROGRAMMER would so much as contemplate such profanities as top-down } design and initialised variables. } } Content yourself with the usual lot of mere mortal programmers: learn } to love and cherish your many hours with adb, or stick to writing } "Hello World" programs. } } You owe the oracle a fork-buffet entirely devoid of quiche (or greasy } chicken drumsticks for that matter.  Come to think of it, I don't much } like Scotch eggs either - unless they're the ones where the egg has } been chopped up, and mixed with mayonaise first, oh, and make sure } there are some of those natty little plastic clips that go on the edge } of your plate to hold your wineglass - I *really* hate trying to } balance my plate on top of my glass...)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, if what they tell me is true, > This question can only be answered by you: > > They say for each girl there is somewhere a guy; > They say that each boy finds his gal by and by. > Great Oracle, answer me, if this is so, > How can I find her and how will I know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, youth! I remember the thrill of the chase } To find that one perfect romantical face. } So anxious, and hurried, and drippy and sweaty } With hormones a-screamin', "Where is she, already?" } } I suppose it's my current Oracular fate } To help you discover your intended mate. } As such, I remind you that your local laws } May invalidate some of my foolproof old saws. } } First off, you'll require a new incarnation } Befitting a hunk of particular station. } Pop off to the gym; work those muscles and sinews } After that, you will see how this poem continues. } } With your stunning new bod, you'll attract the attention } Of females with qualities worthy of mention. } Watch your admirers; keep at least one eye peeled } For the woman we can rate "Outstanding in Field." } } She'll come as a blone, or perhaps a brunette } (Beware of a woman who smells of Clorets.) } In any event, when she comes she will say, } "I'm the woman for you; come on home and let's play." } } Here endeth the lesson; there is one small concern } One aspect of wooing I'm not sure you've learned. } If the woman is lovely, exotic to see } Then forget all about her and send her to me. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "How To Pick Up Girls," preferably already } highlighted.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Or Ora Orac Oracl Oracle, >       Like Mark Twain said, "Do not put off till tomorrow what can be > put off till day-after-tomorrow just as well".  Tell me, Oracle most > prompt and efficient, why do I procrastinate so much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you - Oh, I'll get around to answering this one tomorrow.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are some good uses for rubber latex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rubber latex, handy stuff } Twenty uses, off the cuff: } Use it for a Welcome mat. } Feed it to the neighbor's cat. } Pad your elbows and your knees. } Wipe your nose off when you sneeze. } Use it as a garden hose. } Sell it to the Eskimos. } Decorate the bethroom door. } Pave the streets of Baltimore. } Vandalize an ATM. } Use it to extend your hem. } Use it for a fishing net. } Keep spare change from getting wet. } Add more sole to your old shoes. } Cover up that nasty bruise. } Wave it 'round to hail a cab. } Serve it up with boiled crab. } Make a model of the brain. } Send some to Saddam Hussein. } Launch it at a Sherman tank. } Or you can [fill in the blank]. } Rubber latex, handy stuff } Unless you haven't got enough.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We all know that certain typographic symbols have a "functional name" > (like `and-sign' or `pound-sign'), but many have a "proper name" as > well (`ampersand' and `octothorp' for & and #, respectively).  What is > the proper name for the `at-sign' (@)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have researched long and hard, and have found the answer to be: } } "thelittlesignthatlookslikeanawithacirclearounditbutnoonereallyknowswhat } itiscalledbecausenoonebutacomplefoolishmoronwouldcareenoughtobothertheal } mightyoraclebutsomeoneobviouslydidandnowtheoraclehadtogowastehisprecious } timetolookitupandfoundthatthereisnoanswersoitwasacompletewasteandnowtheo } racleispissedsoyouandyourfamilybetterwatchoutbecausetheoracleisaveryveng } efulfellaandhedoesntlikehavinghistimewastedbydumbandboringquestionsthath } avenoanswersoheanswerstheminonelongsentencelikethislikehisspacekeydidn't } workbutitdoessoheisjustplayingwithyoubutsinceyouaskedhethoughtheshouldgi } veyousomekindofanswerevenifitmakesnosensebecauseitshisjobandhewouldn'twa } nttogetfiredasoraclebecauseitsafunjobanditiscooltohaveallthisknowledgean } dtobeabletouseitsowellandtobenefitmankindsohegotainternetaddressandallow } speopletoaskhimquestionseveniftheyaredumblikewhatistheformalnameoftheats } ignwhichhasaperfectlyobviousnonexistantanswerthatanyfoolcouldfindforthem } selvesbutthisdummydecidedtowastetheoracle'stimewithit!"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is funk-a-delia. Am I in danger of catching it if I have sex with > my girlfriend without using Dolby noise reduction?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [What follows is an excerpt from "The Oracle's Big Book O' Diseases". }  All rights to this book and the excerpt here are owned solely by the }  Oracle.  Even if you got a written statement from the Oracle saying }  you could copy it, you couldn't, so don't ask.] } } FUNK O' DELIA (fuhnk oh deh'leeah) - {derived from Funk Of Delilah} } }       Funk O' Delia is a disease that has recently been discovered.  It } also seems to be a recently created ailment, brought about by the } recent trend towards digitally recorded music.  The disease is } transmitted by microscopic roundworms that used to inhabit the grooves } of LP records.  Now that their homes have been removed, they have tried } to live on CDs, but the smooth surface of the disks is not comfortable } for them. } }       As of late, the general population of these worms have become } generally annoyed with the situation, and have taken to spitting on } anyone using a CD player.  Their saliva has proved fatal to humans in } many cases, particularly during the time when all of Pat Boone's albums } were re-released in digital format.  A major item in the news, 245 } members of the BBB (Bosom Buddies to Boone) club were killed in a mass } expectoration campaign by the worms. } }       Since there is no cure known once a person has been spat upon by } the infestations, the only way to avoid the problem is by collecting } old LPs and distributing them liberally about your place of living. } The worms tend to prefer easy listening music, generally the kind where } pretty hip rock tunes are slowed down to about 1/3 of their speed and } then replayed by lots of strings and flutes.  As a result, no shopping } center has ever had an attack of Funk O' Delia. } } "The Oracle's Big Book O' Diseases" is (c) 1990 Oracle, Inc.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, could you please tell me > > <BANG!>   Argh!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The great Oracle cannot answer a question that is not asked.  I realize } that I'm omnipotent and omniscient and omnipresent and omnificent and } even omnivorous, but I do not claim to be a mind reader.  But since you } did not ask a proper question, I will have to supply the question as } well as the answer myself. } } Oh, but wait a minute here.  You do seem to have asked a question. } Not too bad of a question, either.  Almost as good as the one I would } have come up with myself.  But rules are rules; I have to answer your } question, and not mine.  But I had such a good one too!  I would much } rather answer that one, instead of yours.  Oh well, maybe next time. } } Hey!  You even tried to provide your own answer to the question; that } is simply not allowed.  I get to answer the question.  Not you.  If you } want to answer the question yourself, get the subject line of your } mail message right.  You don't get to answer your own question; that } right is reserved for those of us who choose to answer questions, not } those who ask them. } } But you do deserve an answer to your question, pitiful as it is.  I } know I said it wasn't too bad earlier, but I was lying.  Its really a } poor question.  Not even in the proper form.  No question mark at the } end. One does not end a question with an exclamation point, much less } three of them. } } You did get the tone of the opening right, though.  I like that.  Great } Oracle.  You even capitalized Oracle.  Good for you.  That always makes } me happy.  It shows proper respect for your superiors.  And the Oracle } certainly is superior to you. } } Since you were respectful, even though you did not phrase it in the } form of a question (this isn't Jeopardy), I guess I can answer it for } you. } } > <BANG!> } } You are asking what would happen if you were to try to rape the Oracle. } There is only one of you, so its only bang and not gang-bang.  You even } provided the correct response to your question: } } > Argh!!!! } } You owe the Oracle some better manners.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've worshipped the dog.  I've cleansed the sphincter.  I've built the > maibox. In addition, I have measuered the closet as well as brewed the > concoction. So why won't the speedy streaking sissy stop, sit, and > stick?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh. I see you're attempting to pull the old Elder God catalyzed } superpower switcheroo. Good for you. Not everyone would have been able } to recognize Anubis in his current incarnation -- it's a sad sign of } our faithless times that such an august being should have to appear on } Earth as a furry chihuahua. I'm glad you understood the necessities } even an immortal feels after being denied access to a bathroom for } several millenia. It wasn't strictly necessary to cleanse the } sphincter, but I'm sure Anubis appreciates it, particularly since } you've also provided the mailbox for, err, number one. } } Before I address the problem of why your scheme isn't working, though, } I feel obliged to point out that just because someone wears red tights } while running all around town, that doesn't make them a sissy. Why, the } Oracle himself has a lovely pair of burgundy negligees which he finds } very relaxing to wear. } } But back to your problem. You seem to have neglected some compatibility } problems in your plan -- while the ACME bird-catching closet trap was } designed with a similar purpose in mind, your particular speedster is } not in the least interested in bird seed. I suggest you replace the } bait with Playboy's "Fastest girls in the West" issue. Then you should } be all set -- just put the closet in the middle of a highway with a big } neon arrow blinking towards it's door, smear your concoction of tar, } Elmer's glue, Krazy glue and your grandmother's tapioca pudding on the } seat and wait. Once he's stuck in the closet, Anubis will pull the old } switcheroo for you. } } You owe the Oracle a medal for pulling THAT one together!