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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is a STOP sign octagonal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant: } } A STOP sign is octagonal for the same reason that a byte has eight } bits. Von Neumann and Henry Ford were second cousins, and both came } from very large families.  The number eight (as in eight to the 1/4th } power square (four sides) meals a day) had great significance to both } men.  Both flirted with Buddhism, the Mystic Kabbalah, and politics. } Von Neumann was wise enough to restrict himself to computer architecure } and campus politics, but Ford went on to automation, automobiles, and } automatic writing. } } It is an obscure, but important detail that Ford's first design for the } Model A was dictated by the very same discorporate entity, Aiwass, who } gave Aleister Crowley "The Book of the Law".  A definite step down, but } this was during the Depression, when work was hard to find. } } Hope this answers your question. } } You owe the Oracle eight emeralds, seven sapphires, six semi-precious } stones, five fig-newtons, four fudge bars, three trapese artists, two } contortionist courtesans and a partridge in a pear tree.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, as the minds of mortal men are as open books to you, perhaps > you might read me a chapter or two from mine: > > For the past several weeks I have had a recurring dream in which I am > perched atop a Xerox machine as big as a house. Before me runs a > crystal clear brook, and on the far side of the brook is a beautiful > girl, sitting in an overstuffed chair, wearing a straitjacket and a > pair of Mickey Mouse ears with MY NAME stitched on them! She calls to > me in a clear, sweet voice, but she thinks I am a bird and I will fly > to her. Twice I tried to climb down off the Xerox machine, but both > times the ground was covered with aluminum cans and I had nowhere to > step. I think I am in love with her. What does this dream mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} CHAPTER 1:  TRIAL BY XEROX } } As you look around on your lofty perch, you spot a series of buttons: } one red, one blue, and one green. } } If you press the red, go to chapter 2: } If you press the blue, go to chapter 3: } If you press the green, go to chapter 4: } If you don't press anything, go blow yourself off in a corner. } } CHAPTER 2:   TRIAL BY ALUMINIUM } } The Xerox behemoth spews a multitude of papers in your face, and you } tumble onto the aluminum cans.  Several of them are cut in half, and } the shards stab into your back....but this is not the worst of it! } Into your wounds spill the remains of some New Diet Caffeine-Free } Cherry Cola-flavored Sprite, which fumes on your wounds and begins to } eat away at your skin.  The beautiful girl laughs hysterically, having } seen the funniest thing in her life. } } CHAPTER 3:   TRIAL BY FLIGHT } } The cover of the Xerox machine springs open, sending you into the air, } with the promise of smashing your face in when you land. } } Do you :   Attempt to fulfill your wishes and fly to her;  go to }            chapter 5: Refuse to take part of a dream where the girl }                  isn't easy to get;  go to chapter 6: } } CHAPTER 4:   TRIAL BY WATER } } The green button teleports you 3 feet underneath the crystal clear } brook.  Even though you realize this as soon as it happens, your meager } brain just doesn't know how to adjust to such a circumstance, so you } drown as the girl stares at you in anticipation. } } CHAPTER 5:    TRIAL BY AIR } } As you spread out your "wings," you realize how idiotic you must look, } and plummet to your death. } } CHAPTER 6:    TRIAL BY SEX } } Excited by your grasp on reality, the girl shreds the straightjacket } with her hands, dives to save you, and brings you back to her chair, } where she proceeds to rip your pants off with her fingernails and } begins to devour your engorged phallus in a way that would make a } nymphomaniac timid.  As you writhe from the ecstasy of the dream, you } wake to the nudging of your disgusted parents, and you realize that its } time you got yourself a life. } } You owe the Oracle a cold shower.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My friend likes to drink Kool-Aid hot because more Kool-Aid mix will > dissolve into the mixture per volume water; hence, he gets a higher > Kool-Aid content. Oracle, is this healthy? Is it socially incorrect? > Can he still call it Kool-Aid? Do you in your transinfinite wisdom > reccomend it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Please remain calm.  As quickly and quietly as you possibly can, get as } far away from your Kool-Aid experimenting friend as you can get. } Disavow any knowledge of his actions.  Swear you don't know him.  You } may be subject to social prejudice, peer ridicule, security } investigations, or other heinous things if your association with this } person is ever discovered. } } Willfully increasing the concentration of Kool-Aid in water by } intentionally heating the water mixture is a growing problem in this } country today.  And no, it is not socially acceptable, as the process } results in Uncool-Aid.  This has been correlated with a high degree of } significance to the recent outbreak of Uncool-AIDS, an incurable } disease affecting an increasing number of Ivy League Preppies. } Uncool-AIDS gradually turns the skin permanently the color of the } ingested fluid, clogging the pores, suffocating the follicles, until } the skin simply peels away leaving an unsightly blob of colored gel. } Be forewarned that Uncool-AIDS can be spread by drinking from dirty } glasses, so be very careful of your hygenic practices around your } doomed friend.  You should also hint that he should be tested for RIV } (Raspberry Infiltration Virus). } } If you are indeed interested in increasing the amount of flavor in your } Kool-Aid, the Oracle recommends you try adding alcohol to increase the } concentration of Kool-Aid.  Better still, use unsweetened Kool-Aid, } straight dark rum, and a splash of Southern Comfort, also known as } Radical-Aid.  Or forget the Kool-Aid altogether and make Jell-O with } vodka instead of water. Or better still, stick to real drinks, food, } and fun. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Robert Mondavi Cabernet Reserve.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   "Relax."  The dwarf is still sittin' next to me.  He'd cleaned > himself up pretty well.  How long've I been out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   "'Bout twenty minutes," answered the dwarf with a lopsided grin. "Dat } goon musta hit ya pretty good, huh?" } }   "Yeah, I guess."  He sure musta.  My head felt like ConEd had been } usin' it for jackhammer practice.  I looked around the apartment. } "It's gone?" } }   "Yeah."  The dwarf shook his head sadly.  "After all dat woik, we } make one mistake, and poof!  All gone."  I lit a cigarette, and took a } long drag, trying to bring my brain back into some sort of workin' } order.  I hadn't seen the guy who'd hit me.  I hadn't heard anyone.  I } gave the dwarf a long, calculating stare.  He started to fidget.  "Uh, } doncha think we should go after 'im?" he stammered. } }   "Yeah, I guess."  The dwarf would have been more convincing if he } hadn't left the cosh on the table.  I stood, and got my coat off the } chair.  I always kept an extra gun in the pocket.  It comes in handy } sometimes.  I didn't find anything when I searched the dwarf's body, or } anywhere else. Whatever he'd done with the password lists, they weren't } in the room.  Then I noticed the smell.  A little ozone.  Cheap } cologne. } }   The Oracle.  Of course.  That damn' interferin' little twerp.  He'd } got in my way too many times before, and I'd had enough.  This time it } would be different.  I knew just how to } } ... system message at 11:15 ... } } System going down immediately!  Log off now!! } } You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of "The Maltese Falcon."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello, Dr. Ruth.  I just wanted to say that I love your show and think > you're doing a great service to mankind.  My girlfriend and I listen to > it every night before, well, you know.  Anyway, Dr. Ruth, I had a > question.  Where, precisely, _is_ that dratted G spot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has forwarded your question to Dr. Ruth. } } The Oracle has received this reply from Dr. Ruth: } "Shit, man.  I dunno.  I dont' write the stuff, I just read it on } camera. They didn't think it was right for my 14-year-old daughter to } read it, so they gave it to me.  Personally, I think it's all kinda } queer, all that talkin about sex 'n stuff.  I just like to Do It, } talkin about it all the time makes me sick. }  I suggest you talk to my daughter.  She's Comming Out witha book next } week.  It's called, "How to find that G spot in less than 6 seconds." } It's got big easy to read print.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why finals

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Finals are the mechanism that we higher life forms employ to keep inept } mortal-types (like you) from graduating from our institutions of } higher learning without discovering the uses of punctuation marks. (We } had tried firing squads, but it was pure hell on our enrollment.....) } } You owe the Oracle 10,000 hand-written repetions of: } }       I will learn to use punctuation marks properly. } } By tomorrow morning.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Okay, wiseguy... if you think you are so f**king smart, answer this > one: > > where the hell did I put my damn checkbook??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You didn't misplace your checkbook.  It left on its own. } } In a highly secret project in the late 1970's, DoD funded intensive } investigation into the possible applications of artificial intelligence } to household economics. The primary installation was established in a } first floor lab at MIT.  In one of those peculiar conincidences that } make life the fun place that it is, upstairs, in another high-security } lab, DoE biotechnologists were experimenting on induced mutation in } mollusks. } } You see where this is going? } } One frosty February night, a group of MIT's vaunted Hackers broke into } the upstairs lab, and knocked over a vial of pale green liquid } containing several mis-shapen lumps.  The liquid quickly corroded a } hole in the floor, dropping the mutating bivalves into an open computer } on the floor below. The resulting explosion scared the hell out of the } Hackers, and wiped out most of the contents of both labs.  Most of } them. } } The energy of the explosion catalyzed the mutations, which took some } rather bizarre turns as they encounted the hardware scattered about the } AI lab. In the morning, the scientists arriving to their former labs } were rather startled to discover that the floor was teeming with tiny, } animate checkbooks, scuttling about, reproducing, and accumulating } interest.  The horrified staff quickly gathered up these by-products, } which were shipped off to central Alaska for careful study.  A few } escaped, and hid themselves in nearby banks.  From this base, they have } proliferated throughout North America (ref Federal Reserve Bank Report } #134-227.8/1990 "Unexplained Factors in the Savings and Loan } Collapse").  Experts estimate that as many as one in ten thousand } checkbooks in the United States is alive. } } This new species is higly intelligent, with advanced mathematical } talents, but few little social skills.  They are easily upset.  When } distressed, checkbooks will issue large drafts, randomly change their } balances, and in the worst cases, run away from home. } } In short: You have abused your checkbook, and it has left you for a } better home: My home, where it has a nice box to sleep in by the stove } and its own silver Cross pen.  It is very happy, and it doesn't want to } come back to you.  Do not try to recover it. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of your signature.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't I get no mail?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, you poor lonely boy.  Here, st your tired head on the Oracle's } chest...a bit bumpy, but they're NICE bumps, aren't they now...the } Oracle will kiss you and make you feel all better... } } <hey, do I have to stay in drag like this acting matronly but sexy?>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most wise and omnipotent (the girls have had a *lot* to say > about this "omnipotent" business, lemme tell you) > why is it that love does such strange and horrible things to people? > > it is such a common scenario for A to love B, but B really yearns for C > who is married to D who is cheating on C with E who is really not > interested because E is utterly enrapt with a totally preoccupied A.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Romantic love is a snare.  It coists largely of sexual lust.  Now } sex is a great sport, but it should not be used as the basis of a } relationship or marriage -- it's not strong enough for that, being a } mere fragile reed (like Donna Reed only more so).  Anyhow, D seems to } be at the core of this whole problem.  Eliminate D, and B will marry C, } A will stomp off in disgust and eventually marry E.  (Hey, waitaminnit } -- suppose A is male, B is female, C is male, D is female, and E is } male.  So E and A cannot get married, but they can get a nice little } apartment on Castro in San Francisco and share a king-sized waterbed.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh, most bodaceous one, > > Why are most teeth white?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Whoa Dude!  Like I don't beleive it, eh?  Like not in a million } years!  What a totally grooovey question! } }       You're like on the waves, man.  And you see this REALLY hot } babe lying on the beach, and you're like getting bodaceous good } vibrations, ok?  So you like ride the surf back to the beach and you } walk up to her.  You want her to get good vibrations too, right?  So } you can't have bad breath, dude, that would be bogus.  So to stop } yourself from having bad breath, you like brush your teeth all the } time, eh?  Well when you brush your teeth, dude, you don't just like } get rid of bad breath, man.  You like clean of all this stuff that was } on your teeth, see?  Isn't that like soooo exxxxcelent?  And like when } you have taken all that stuff of your teeth, what's underneath is like } white, eh.  So that's like why most teeth are white, dude. } }       What?  You say "That's BO-GUS" do you?  Like what did you want } to know, dude?  Oh I get it.  You like want to know why the stuff } that's underneath, the stuff that like underneath is white, right? } Well the reason is that you teeth are made of the same thing as you } bones, dude. And your bones are like white.  And the bodaceous stuff } that they are like both made out of is called Calcium Hydroxide.  Long } word, eh?  Like that stuff is white, eh, so that's why your teeth are } like white.  And that's also like why your bones are white.  And ya } know why milk is white? Cause it's got Calcium in it too, dude.  And if } you can remember (uugh) school, chalk is like white, because of } Calcium, too.  Neat eh? } }       Don't like ask me why like Calcium Hydroxide is white, man.  Cause } like I didn't create the stuff.  That was like God who did that.  Let } me like get him on the phone, dude. } <Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep> }       Oh, Bogus!  Like His line's busy, eh?  Like I dunno why Calcium } Hydroxide is white, dude.  I would have made it like pink or something } cause that would be like a totally awesome color. } } You owe the Oracle a Surfboard and some Exxxxxelent waves, dude.