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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ohh really spiffy oracle, > > Will I lose my hair?  I mean ZI really like it.  But my fater is going > bald.  So what will happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your fater is losing his hair.  He is also losing his letters.  You must } be well aware of the problems of heredity in these matters, the general } rule is that half of you comes from your father, the other from your } mother. } } Hair loss, and no doubt letters-loss is directly attributable to having } children. } } The 'Z' you have aquired is the ASCII representation of the logical or } of the 'h' lost by your fater, and the 'o' from your mther, all mod the } CRC of your genetic code. } } The answer is that you will grdually gain hair, letters, and no doubt } other bodily and mental attributes, until you have children of your own, } at which point you will lose them to your kids. } } You owe the oracle your firstborn child.  The oracle collects letters, } you see.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and gracious Oracle, whose naval lint I am unworthy to pick, > lick or flick, please recommend a New Year's resolution that I will > actually be able to keep for longer than a day and a half.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Useful stuff, that Naval lint.  It's an analog of the Unix "lint" } program for Ada, written by a team of Navy programmers supervised by } Rear Adm. Grace Murray Hopper (ret.). } } There are huge numbers of New Year's resolutions that you will have no } trouble whatever in keeping.  None.  The problem is that they all } involve things that you would be very unlikely to do anyhow.  Very } unlikely.  For instance, you could resolve not to: }       drink a cupful of burning industrial solvents }       castrate yourself at home and then go limping to the emergency } room of your local hospital to have them check on how good a job you did }       dress up as the young Julie Andrews and go around offering people } sex in an Alpine meadow }       bite off your lover's genitals }       eat turnips }       eat Dairy Queen hamburgers }       chew on paintings done by North Italian masters of the late } Renaissance }       transplant gallbladders }       be an armadillo } You see how many things you can resolve not to do?  Easy!  The point is } that any resolution that would do you good you're certain to break } within a couple of days. } } You owe the Oracle the strength to keep the following resolutions: }       no more writing to/from the Oracle }       no more netnews }       no more ads in alt.personals }       no more jerking off }       diligent work on the thesis work }       no more getting drunk }       no more bowling (too expensive and dangerous)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh ye marvelous Oracle, oh creation not for the fainthearted.  Oh > pusillanimous pussycat, oh dogmatic dog, egregious egret, please > enlighten this humble, yet filled with noble virtue, seeker of truth > justice and the American Way (e.g. another lay) as to wit, to wisdom of > this. > > Which goes better with my black leather skirt; seamed black hose and > garter belt, or white patterned stocking.  And what do you think, > panties, or no panties?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, got a big date, eh?  Well, the answer really depends on the } individual guy's level of madonna-whore neuroticism, so I can't } answer definitively. } } Take it from the Oracle, it's not true that men only want one } thing in a woman.  Most of them want two things:  They want a } woman who'll take over their vacant "mommy" position, and cook } and clean and care for them and generally be pure and caring } and naive and submissive; and they also want sex.  Lots of sex. } Sex, sex, and more sex. } } (There are, it should be noted, a few men who only want one } thing.  Avoid these guys if possible.  Also, avoid the guys } who want three or more things; they're *serious* bad news.) } } Back to the topic at hand:  Since a lot of men, for some } thoroughly incoherent reason of their own, don't understand } that mothers, by definition, have sex, they feel that there's } something basically incompatible between their two drives. } They come to this subconscious conclusion:  "No woman who can } satisfy my desire for a mother-figure can also satisfy my desire } for sex."  And so, when they meet women who seem to satisfy one } desire or the other, they reject them out of hand.  What they're } really searching for, as they wander the world in their neurotic } haze, is women who are as completely confused as they are. } } So if you want to attract your average American man, you've got } to *look* as if you're a full-blown gonzo loon.  You've got to } send mixed messages.  So, to answer your question (finally!): } I'd say, wear the white patterened stockings; the lacy look will } remind him of weddings and doilies and kitchen window curtains, } and he'll subconsciously associate you with the homey, motherly } qualities he desires, while the black leather skirt reminds him } of sex, which'll get his hindbrain on your side.  This is, } effectively, an end-run around his psychic blocks; the Oracle can } attest to the fact that it's usually quite successful. } } For more information on this important topic, you may wish to } refer to Alan Strybing's doctoral disseration in Psychology, } "Infantile Social Fetishism: An Analysis of the Psychosexual } Symbology of Fashion in Clothing and Cosmetics, with respect } to their Preconscious Interpretation by American Males," which } was subsequently republished in _Cosmopolitan_ under the title } "Hot Looks for Cold Weather." } } Oh, and definitely wear the panties; you're getting your } period tonight.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I heard aphids are born pregnant.  Is this true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes indeed.  This is one of the many wonderous but little publicized } facts about the Animal Kingdom.  Some others are: } } 1) Carpenter ants are born constipated, DESPITE the fact that they have } the highest percentage of dietary fiber in their diets ever recorded } (tied for first place with termites, who, however, have no such } digestive irregularities.) } } 2) Hyenas are the only known animal with an internal supply of nitrous } oxide.  Central African efforts to tap this natural resource to improve } dentistry have been a disappointment, although they have had the side } benefit that the treatment of amputated limbs is now much better } understood. } } 3) Humpback whales are born with a fluent command of English, French, } Spanish, German, Russian, and seventeen other human languages(fnord). } The fluty sing-song language they use when in the presence of humans is } due to a misunderstanding caused by the fact that the whales' first } human contact was with a Swiss Yodeler. } } 4) North American salmon have only recently begun swimming up mountain } streams to spawn.  They were, in fact, perfectly happy to do their } spawning in the sea before a blitz advertising campaign by Coors Beer on } network TV convinced them that no young, vibrant fish would be caught } dead in anything but Rocky Mountain spring water. } } Other such interesting facts can be found in Imaginitive Pseudoscience } Magazine, but you owe the Oracle a year's subscription to Omni instead: } it's a little more entertaining and less rigorous than IPM.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did I buy these Dr. Pepper's and have not yet drunk them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As Freud showed, every human being has, to one degree or another, a } death wish.  In most of you, this wish is kept well controlled, but in } some maladjusted individuals, it gains a degree of primacy, leading to } starting wars, unexplained suicides, the Bush administration, and } similar self-destructive behavior patterns.  Most often, the death wish } is an unconscious one, and is expressed subtly, in risky (or seemingly } risky) behavior like BASE jumping, free-climbing, unsafe sex, } uncontrolled drug abuse, or even riding city busses.  Sometimes the } death wish is sublimated into a search for activities that *seem* like } death, such as watching network television. } } In your case, the death wish expressed itself as a desire to damage your } body by drinking carbonated water adulterated with sugar, artificial } colorings, artificial flavorings, and other chemicals of dubious } character, which not coincidentally give a flavor very reminiscent of } the crypt.  There was, however, conflict between this death wish and the } natural desire of all organisms to survive and reproduce (reproduction } is rare among heavy Peppers).  You resolved this internal conflict by } purchasing, but not consuming, the deadly concoction.  This is similar } to the urge some people feel to collect weapons or instruments of } torture. } } Your adjustment to this situation is normal and natural, and can even be } used to your advantage, both in the direct, if somewhat morbid, pleasure } of possessing the beverage and in the self-motivation that can be } achieved by conscious harnessing of the death wish toward positive } purposes.  You need only exercise caution to assure that you are not } becoming death-obsessed.  Such an obsession might lead you to take some } excessive risk, such as actually drinking Dr.  Pepper.  Should this come } to seem a realistic possibility, you should seek professional } counseling. } } You owe the Oracle gratification of its Oedipus complex.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If not lives, what of freedom?  I would trade much for freedom.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As the Oracle, I took it upon myself to examine your bank account and } various assets, including those liquid, solid, physical, intellectual, } emotional, spiritual, and otherwise.  Well, I hate to tell you, but } the going rate for top-notch freedom is quite beyond your means in } most of these catagories (keep away from the Pepsi and Cheetos during } those late nights of downloading from alt.sex.pictures and your } physical assets would improve tremendously). } } However, you look like the sincere sort, and I had a great time last } night with Lisa and some power kitchen utensils, so I'm in the mood to } cut a little deal with you. } } Now, as I mentioned, the first quality freedom is a bit out of your } reach, but I have some hardly used freedoms that would give you a bit } of a karma debt, but I think you could afford to pay it off in only a } few short lifetimes.  Let me list a few for you: } } Here's a classic.  1950's freedom, the American model.  Yeah, some of } those features may seem unnecessary and even a bit gaudy, but as long } as you are not a communist sympathizer or female or a minority this } will probably be adequate for your means.  True, this model was made } when people thought bigger was better and that freedom would never run } out, but there's there's still a chance that it could be converted to } new alternative or synthetic freedoms.  It's in great shape, and was } only used by an elderly gentleman who used it to vote for Eisenhower. } You can have it for the small price of your right to question } authority. } } Now, if you're a more care-free type you could try this 1960's model. } There's lots of freedom there as long as you are not of draftable age. } The free-love conditioning may seem a bit dated and the protest- } injection engine may be a bit loud, but if you don't mind the paisly } upholstery I hear that it's great for long trips.  And, of course, the } stereo plays some great tunes.  It's a steal for the price:  an } occasional detachment from you higher brain functions and the death of } a couple of your idols. } } I see you noticed that sporty 1990 Euro model.  Nice choice.  Its an } up-and-coming company that has great potential to take over the market } if they can only organize their various branches.  It's yours for the } cost of your sense of history.  But I would warn you aginst the Soviet } model.  It looks great, but no one can find the right fuel to run it, } and you will find that all the small republics in your neighborhood } will strip it to pieces even though those parts will never fit on } their own models. } } No, I would also advise you against that Chinese freedom.  They } discontinued that model last year. } } Heyyyyy, here's one that you might harmonize with.  The New Age model. } It's loaded with perks.  You get your eternal life so you never have } to stop for gas or reality, it comes with a 40 channeler radio that } can reach as far as eight parallel universes away, an opaque magic } crystal windshield so you never have to look beyond your local belief } system, and a full in-dash astrological chart so you can see exactly } where you are going even though you really never get there.  All you } have to give up for this baby is your common sense and any logical, } scientific, rational skepticism.  Most people never use that stuff } anyway, so you would probably never miss it. } } Well, I understand that it's a tough decision but freedom is going } fast and if you don't buy now, there may be none left when you finally } change your mind.  Sure, maybe somday you will earn enough to buy a } really top-of-the-line freedom, but don't bet on it.  Even those who } can afford it balk at the cost: self-responsibility.  The payments } never end, but the weird thing is, those who try it never seem to mind } paying each second of their lives. } } Thanks for coming by the Uncle Oracle's Freedom and Burger Store.  You } owe the Oracle and all your friends a ride in your freedom when you } get it, and a chance to play with your fuzzy dice.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where does the energy that maintains gravity come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, matter contains billyuns of billyuns of billyuns of itty bitty } little squirrels in cages, running around on itty bitty wheels and } turning wee generators that supply the weak force that causes } gravitation.  If these squirrels were to stop, the matter everywhere } would drift randomly apart.  So be nice to squirrels and feed them lots } and lots of nice goodies or their miniminiminiscule cousins in matter } will get really angry and go on strike. } } <How'd I do, Acorngrubber?> } <Not bad at all, Treerat.  Thousands of college geeks will rush out and } feed us squirrels loads and loads of yummy junk food now!  I think } you've done it!>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't Christians realize their religion is inherently silly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hum, a tough one here. Let me get hold of the Big Guy. } } PHONE HEAVEN::GOD } }   HEAVEN::GOD> Hello. I see that you are using the VAX/VMS system today. } }   ORACLE::SYSTEM> Yeap. You know what they say about "the wages of sin" }        and what Lisa and I did last weekend. } }   HEAVEN::GOD> Heh. Heh. } }   ORACLE::SYSTEM> Anyway, I've got some dweeb down here who wants to }        know why Christians don't realize that their religion is silly. } }   HEAVEN::GOD> Silly? Silly! You want to talk about silly! Let me tell }        you about those silly Hindus who worship phallic symbols, have }        elephant-headed gods, and have to step in cow shit all day. } }   SAT::SHIVA> Cow shit! I've had it up to *here* with this "one God" }        bull shit and ... } }   MECCA::ALLAH> But there is only one God and he is I. } }   NIRVANA::BUDDA> What camel shit! Everyone is a God and this is ... } }   MECCA::ALLAH> Dog shit! } }   SAT::SHIVA> Pig shit! } }   HEAVEN::GOD> Elephant shit! } }   MECCA::ALLAH> Donkey shit! } }   NIRVANA::BUDDA> Cat shit! } }   HEAVEN::GOD> Horse shit! } } %exit } } } Well, now you know.  Religious followers don't realize their religions } are silly because their Supreme Beings don't realize they are full of } shit. } } } Reply received on ORACLE from user SAT::SHIVA } YOU ARE NOW BANISHED TO WORKING ON RSX-11 SYSTEMS } } Reply received on ORACLE from user MECCA::ALLAH } YOU ARE NOW BANISHED TO WORKING ON A IBM PC } } Reply received on ORACLE from user NIRVANA::BUDDA } YOU ARE NOW BANISHED TO WORKING ON TRS-80s } } Reply received on ORACLE from user HEAVEN::GOD } NO! HE IS BANISHED TO A VIC-20 HOOKED TO AN OLD BLACK & WHITE TV. } } } You owe the Oracle a real computer and operating system to work on.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered yur question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it thata junk food that is less bad for you (like unsalted > pretzels) always tastes worse than a junk food that is worse for you > (BBQ potato chips, say)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The phenomenon you report is a straightforward instance of Grandmother's } Second Law, The Law of Conservation of Gratification:  If it tastes } good, it must be bad for you.  (See below for a full statement of } Grandmother's Three Laws.) In more formal terms, this law requires that } for every benefit, there is an equal and opposite cost.  The most } commonplace evidences of this law in action are found, of course, at a } dinner table at which small children are eating.  Suppose that K } grandchildren, g[0], g[1],..., g[K-1], are seated around an ornate } dining-room table in an oak-panelled room decorated with faded } photographs.  On the table, suppose that there are M dishes from which } each grandchild may take a portion of his meal 0 <= P(i,j) < 1, 0 <= i < } K and 0 <= j < M, such that for each i the sum over all j of the P(i,j) } = 1.  With each dish, associate a benefit function B(j).  Then, } Grandmother's Second Law implies that for all g[i]: } }      M                     Researchers at the Harvard University School }    ----                    of Home Economics, working jointly with }    >   P(i,j) * B(j) = 0   members of the faculties of Philosophy and }    ----                    Divinities, have been investigating }   j = 0                    extensions to Grandmother's Laws.  There }                            is preliminary evidence that these laws can } be generalized to populations large than one.  These researchers hope to } prove that, in the experiment described above, benefit is conserved } among all children present. } }      K          M                       G(i) is the little-understood }    ----       ----                    "goodness" function, the values of }    >     G(i) >    P(i,j) * B(j) = 0  which seemed to depend heavily on }    ----       ----                    the grandchild i, the grandmother, }   i = 0      j = 0                    and several other variables.  This }                                       result, they hope, may lead them }                                       to a strong analogy between } Grandmother's Laws and the better-known Laws of Thermodynamics.  If so, } the fundamental principles underlying Grandmother's Laws may provide a } clean, virtually limitless supply of energy for the technologies of the } 21st century. } ------------------ } Grandmother's First Law, The Law of Ocular Displacement:  Put that down, } or you'll put an eye out! } } Grandmother's Second Law, The Law of Conservation of Gratification:  If } it tastes good, it must be bad for you. } } Grandmother's Third Law, The Law of Genetic Entropy:  Children these } days have no values.  When I was your age... } } ======================================================================== } Oracle incarnation Josh Mittleman (joshua@paul.rutgers.edu)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                               I'm noticing a dangerous preponderance of > Chia PetsTM around my campus lately.  Someone on my floor received a > Chia PetTM for Christmas, and two people downstairs also received Chia > PetsTM.  One of them even REQUESTED a Chia PetTM.  And the funny thing > is, last year at this same time, I too received a Chia PetTM for > Christmas.  I threw it off my fire escape because it wouldn't grow.  Why > won't it go away?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hold on and let me delve into my almanac... } } >%almanac "Chia Pets" "mass migrations of" } >Loading data...complete. } >There were mass migrations of Chia Pets reported throughout the } >1980's.  These obnoxious but cute creatures nicknamed Chia Pests have } >been found to be inclined to propogate in extremely large quantities } >in the month of December.  Due to this, they can be found not only in } >any store in the WORLD, but also out on the streets.  Because of this, } >they make extremely inexpensive Christmas presents (a holiday which } >happens to fall in the month of December).  At any give location, the } >chance of a Chia population explosion is emminent.  If this happens } >in a location near you (you can spot this by how many are given a } >Christmas presents), DO NOT PANIC.  This phenomenon is only temporary. } >The large amounts of Chias found at ground zero of this population } >explosion will cause a housing shortage, and many Chias will find } >themselves on the streets.  Many Chias will then move to new grounds. } >If the Chia population density (CDP) gets to high (demonstrated by you } >not being able to walk down the street without stepping on one) and } >stays there for more than a reasonable limit of time (the Chia time } >plateau (CTP)generally is specified to be 2 days), it will be } >necessary to call the Chia task force (CTF) to the Chia population } >center (CPC).  The CTF will rush ASAP to the CPC to lower the CPD for } >a period longer than the CTP.  Once this is accomplished, the Chia } >ecology (CE) will return to a safe level (the Chia safety plateau } >(CSP)).  If the CTF is erradicated in the process of lowering the CPD, } >and the CPD does not get below the CSP before another iteration of the } >CTP, it is time for a Chia caused evacuation (CCE).  If this drastic } >measure is called for, everyone must strip completely nude and not } >carry any luggage upon exiting the city (Chias can hide in the } >damndest places).  Then 50 ICBMs must be targeted towards the city and } >launched.  This should eradicate the problem.  But Chias have } >survived millions of years (even older that cocroaches) and are even } >sturdier than the cocroaches.  We can only hope that they are not yet } >resistant to nuclear power. } } So as you can see, there is nothing to worry about. } } Probably.