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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I wish I had a scroll.  How could I get one, Senator?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Usually scrolls are to be found in scroll shops or general magic supply } stores.  Occasionally you might release a friendly genie from captivity, } whereupon in gratitude he will grant you a wish.  (Yes, I know, it used } to be three, but you know how inflation is....) } }       -------------- }       |????????????| }       |???????+????| }       |??+??????!!?| }       |......@.....| }       -------+------ }              ##### }                  ## }                   ####

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What kind of a dogmatist thinks that if you play with trancendental > meditation you're going straight to Peru?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is impressed!  A mortal has located one of the few } philosophies in the universe that is not held by any of the 8 583 512 } 595 262 317 367 races in the universe.  In fact, the closest philosophy } I could find in "The Big Book of Philosophies" which I just wrote } ($24.95 at Waldenbooks) is a group of semi-sentient crystalline methane } slugs on the planet Zug orbiting a blue-white supergiant on the other } side of the galaxy.  Their dogma states that if you play with } trancendental FUNCTIONS you're going straight to Peru (which in } Slugspeak means "The Big Salt Shaker").  Like most dogmas, this one was } implemented to keep the top slugs in power. } } If you're more depressed than elated about this, then why don't you go } start your own religion based on that dogma?  It'll give you something } to do that's fun, informative, and will get you the chicks (or hunks)! } If you're successful, write to me, and I'll include your name in a } footnote in the next edition.  Remember:  the Oracle cares. } } You owe the Oracle $24.95 (Go buy my book).  The Oracle has verbalized.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are tomatoes called "tomatoes"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy you guys really make me ill.  Why this and why that...OOOOOOH, real } important stuff, as if I don't have important things to worry about like } when will the universe end?  Why is it dark at night?  What about this } brain in vats thing?  Dammit, all you guys do is ask me questions.  I'm } getting sick up to here with your damn questions.  What, are you stupid? } Try to find an answer yourself, you might learn something in the } process. } } Here, I'll throw you this one, just this once: } } My answer: }         Because they're not called anemic potatoes. } }         What do you think I'd say, something stupid like 'because } they're not called tomAHtoes.' Give me a break.  Tell me, does stupidity } run in your family? } } We'll waive the fee for this one.  Don't ask inane questions again.  You } might not catch me in this good a mood.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> the roo.dnet.winnie node goes dead ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} the roo.dnet.winnie node goes dead.  very dead.  sudden death syndrome. } such a dead node!  very sad the parent, kanga.dnet.winnie.  very unahhpy } node.  very sad day.  the pooh.dnet.winnie node sings the sad song.  the } roo.dnet.winnie node is buried by the pooh.dnet.winnie node and the } piglet.dnet.winnie node, with the eeyore.dnet.winnie node saying the } mournful things.  very sad day. } } next day they go out for to catch the hefallump.  the hefallump catches } them instead.  they all die.  very sad the ending for the children book. } } you are owe the oracle for to stop writing the existentiallist version } of the winnie.dnet.pooh.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does the word "why" sound that way?  Why did we choose the word that > sounds like "wi" and is spelled "why" the word we use when we want to > know the reason for something?  Why is that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} inglish aurthografee iz offen weerd.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why doesn't my program work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have an error in line 71.  You wrote "x[i] := 4", but you should } have written } } CYCLE GNORP ARBNO( "AA" | INPUT) . FOO = INPUT : S(CYCLE) F(RETURN) } } As you can clearly see, the rest of the program is in Snobol not Pascal.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is it so quiet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is actually quite noisy.  However, the noise is all synchronized, so } that it damps itself out. } } Don't move or you will be deafened.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you want a beard for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is not for man to want or not want a beard.  It is man's nature to } have a beard.  The question that you must ask is: } } What do you want to shave a beard for. } } There are answers to this question. } } Some men think that they are more attractive to women if they have a } face like a women.  Unfortunately, some women think so too. } } Ancient greeks shaved their beard before combat to avoid giving the } enemy an additional handhold. } } Occam found beards unsightly, and shaved them as a matter of principle. } } In modern times people have become more civilized, and have learned to } appreciate beards for their original purpose:  To hide man's ugly adams } apple...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> George Bush was on television last night, accusing various major > Communist leaders of a variety of crimes.  Some of them were pretty > plausible, but he accused Fidel Castro of being involved in the > crucifying of Christ.  What really happened?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The truth is stranger than the fiction propagated by the new Stain of } the West, George Herbert Walk Bush, the man with four names and no soul. } } Although Castro was nearby the scene of the crucifixtion, and although } he was indeed playing Pepper, CONTRARY TO THE RULES POSTED AT THE FIELD, } historians now agree that this illicit practice did not actually con- } tribute to Christ's death. } } Bush has obviously kept himself abrest of the most current research.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do so many Americans regularly eat pieces of dead cow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Which part of the question troubles you? } } Never mind, it is irrelevant.  I shall cover all aspects of your } question. } } Americans:  This is quite easy.  Any ethnic group stupid enough not to } be able to find THEIR OWN COUNTRY on a globe can be easily molded to do } just about any strange ritual.  The Fastfuudites of Tau Cygnus (and } their leaders, King McDonald of the Burghers and "Dairy" Queen Wendy) } are most likely responsible for the mind-control aspect in question. } } regularily:  Dead cow is an addictive substance, not unlike nicotine and } Lay's Potato Chips.  Once one has partaken of it, withdrawl symptoms } cause the partaker to seek out "just one more" serving of the substance. } These withdrawl symptoms come about fairly quickly, thus accounting for } the frequency of the return visits. } } eat:  the flat, black portions normally served unfortunately make poor } frisbees, and no other potential use for them has yet been theorized. } } pieces:  the bread makers of America refuse to make buns large enough to } accommodate an entire cow, citing high overhead costs and low sales } volume. } } dead:  America, never having been cannibalistic, has a distinct distaste } for blood of any kind.  Draining the blood from the animal unfortunately } kills it. } } cow:  The cow, being a rather docile animal and easy to catch (were all } females that way!) proves an easy target for predators.  Although } Americans do posess the technology to catch more elusive animals (a } certain asphalt-treading avis comes to mind), they (the Americans) are } in fact themselves rather lazy.  Thus they do not bother using their } techonological advantages, and content themselves with holding onto the } animals that are easily held. } } I hope I have covered your question. } } You owe the Oracle a B.A.  in B.S.