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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've been going to school in Ohio for almost two years now and I still > haven't figured it out:  what the hell do people do in Ohio to occupy > themselves on those cold winter nights?  There's NOTHING to do (except > drink and copulate).  How does your average Ohio native deal with this > boredom?  (hint: I'm not interested in cow-tipping).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are a very lucky person.  You've reached an incarnation of the } Oracle living in southwest Ohio.  I'll tell you what I've been doing on } cold winter nights for the last few weeks: } Stay up with sick kids. } Copulate. } Watch Bengals. } Copulate } Go to a movie. } Copulate. } Go to bed early. } Copulate. } Sleep. } Watch war news on T.V. } Copulate with wife's friend (actually, this was during the day). } Work on database assignment. } Send stupid questions to Usenet Oracle. } Copulate. } Answer stupid questions from Usenet Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                W  W  W      H    H   Y   Y     ??? >               W  W  W      H    H     Y Y    ?    ? >              W  W  W      HHHHHH       Y        ? >             W  W  W      H    H       Y         ? >             WW WW       H    H       Y         ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The use of capitals in your writing indicates someone eager, indeed } desparate for attention.  Similarly the large writing - an attention } seeking ploy.  The forward slant indicates a forward looking } personality, someone who makes things happen.  The choice of black type } indicates someone who is thoroughly conventional and boring.  I've left } the best clue to last, however.  The odd shape of the question mark } indicates that you are clearly a koala bear. } } So, the answer to your question is simple.  There *are* no eucalyptus } trees in America.  You've had it mate. } } You owe the oracle a video of "Skippy meets Godzilla".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How artificial can a woman get?  For example, she could wear those > contact lenses that change the color of her eyes, she could wear a wig > or get her hair dyed and curled, she could wear falsies or have breast > implants, etc.  So what is the ultimate in artificiality, and has any > woman achieved it?  Thanks!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a tough one.  You see, there may be no limit to the } artificiality, because women are continually searching for more and more } permanent ways to enhance their beauty.  This is due to the fact that } while men don't mind the appearance of makeup, permed hair, and all that } shit, they do mind the fact that a woman who wears such things doesn't } look the same when she takes it all off.  However, while they bitch and } grouse about how awful and deceitful it is for a woman to artificially } enhance her loveliness (or lack thereof), generally speaking they seem } magically drawn to it.  For instance, take two women of the same basic } degree of attractiveness, and doll one up thoroughly and leave the other } one alone.  Put an average man in the room with them.  While he might } admire the fact that the non-dolled-up woman has opted for a natural } look, might think her very self-sufficient and all, he will also wonder } why she doesn't care enough about herself to "fix herself up." The } Oracle will lay odds that he will then spend the evening clumsily } attempting to chat up the more "feminine" dolled-up babe.  If he gets } anywhere, however, he will later complain about how, in the morning, she } just didn't look anywhere near as good as she did the night before.  In } fact, she will probably look very much like the other woman in the room } had, but whether he notices this or not is another question entirely. } } Women have noticed the above tendency, and in response have attempted to } find more and more permanent ways to beautify themselves.  Known as the } "Cher phenomenon," this usually takes the form of extensive plastic } surgery, as this is the mosty permanent thing you can do to yourself. } The Oracle imagines that the final product of this mucking-about will be } the Prosthetic Woman, a rather unfortunate concept--a human being } composed entirely of parts not her own.  However, if you want to get } REALLY gross, perhaps the ultimate artificiality a woman can commit } would be to not only be the Prosthetic Woman, but to use a penis en- } larger. } } You owe the Oracle a box of Summer's Eve Disposable Deodorant Douche } (tm).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hi oracle, > > > The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > > Your question was: > > > > > O mighty Oracle, tell me this, > > > > > > who is this Lisa that is so often mentioned in your answers lately? > > > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > > > } whatever you want her to be > > this is certainly a very wise answer, but where's your sense of humor? > plus who is this LISA?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...  I must have been having a really bad day that day...  sorry } about that.  Let me see if I can put it another way...  she's my main } sex kitten, my big squeeze, my playtoy and wanton lustful sex machine. } She also makes a mean Long Island Ice Tea and love to play chess.  I'd } rather not say any more than that, because she might read this and } } -- message from Lisa@net.sex.goddess } Your main WHAT??? Your big WHAT??? Your wanton lustful WHAT?????????? } } Uh oh... thanks a lot, dude.  Now I'm really in trouble. } } You owe the Oracle a good explanation that I can use, and a dozen red } roses.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hoy vey!  Hahj hjds kjhiui  hduewh dud uhd iuh diuhdoe2 iuhd2oiu iyex >  xiuwebx iu bxiuex biuehg xiuetd neiu?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Obviously, it is most important when kjhiuing the uhd iuh diuhdoe2 } to fleegr the grop.  However, I question your use of the iyex.  I'd } suggest a nice robust shmorguut with a dash of tweeng for flavor. } }       As always, the bxiuex MUST be hjdsed for at least 45 minutes on } high.  (You had the idea right but the amount of time was way off.) } }       One more thing.  DON'T EVER call me "vey" again.  I don't like it. } Understood? } }       You owe the Oracle a hduewh of xiuetd neiu.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > My fiancee is a foot model.  You know, like, when you see a picture in > a Sears catalog, demonstrating sandals. She's got a face like a horse, > but real cute tootsies.  Well, she's nagging me to get a pedicure too, > so that we can be the first husband and wife foot modelling team.  She > claims it'll be a  big boost to both of our careers  (I'm currently an > accountant). I am dubious that much good will come out of this. Should > I call off the wedding, or go along with her plan? We have both agreed > to follow your advice on this matter. > > Signed, > > Mr. Stubby-Toes

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle thinks that this is just the cutest thing since His and Hers } towels.  Yes, definitely, you should go for it.  Get the pedicure.  Get } your nails painted, too.  I recommend "Rose Blush" -- it's definitely } your color.  Of course, it's going to take a few months practice before } you learn how to walk nicely in those 3-inch heels, but it's worth it } for the love of a good woman.  One other tip:  Those stockings are a lot } more comfortable if you shave your legs.  And anyway, the mini-skirts } would look silly if you didn't. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the wedding pictures with the two of you in } identical gowns.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How big *is* your ego?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, being Omnipotenet and All-Powerful, I have an infinitely large } ego, tho ugh of course, my infinitely large modesty would not allow me } to admit it, if I was not so Omnipotent and All-Powerful.  Of course, if } one were to *measure* my ego, which is something a mere mortal such as } yourself could not do, it would probobly go so large, as to be } considered Very Extremely Infinite-Type Big.  My ego is large it is not } even scratched when mere mortals ask me infinitely stupid questions, } such as:  How big *is* your ego?  My ego is so large, I recently } installed an addition to the old split-level ego, with a in-ground pool, } a penguin appreciation room, a library, and Rhode Island. } You owe the Oracle Bob Vila's Collection of Time Life Home Improvement } Series and a free session with Binky, the Wonder Psycologist.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                        Chapter 27 > >        Amy deftly removed her tank top, revealing her small but >        firm and luscious breasts.  The small dark brown knots at >        the centers pointed slightly upward, almost as though they >        had a consciousness of their own and were begging to be >        nuzzled. > >        "Oh baby, I need you bad," Paul murmurred.  He leaned down >        a bit in order to brush the delectable nipples with his lips, >        but she cupped her palm under his chin so as to stop him, >        and cautioned, "uh uh uh."  Paul looked at her quizzically. >        "First you have to bake me a cake, big man," she said >        breathlessly. > >        "Say what?" he asked.  "You heard me," Amy continued, "bake >        me a delicious German Chocolate Cake, and you can have your >        way with me."  "But I don't know the recipe," Paul protested. >        "That's OK.  I'll show you.  My way," the young woman said >        seductively and, taking him by the hand, she led him to the >        kitchen. > >        "First, take one stick (8 tablespoons) of butter or margarine, >        and cream it in a large glass mixing bowl," she began.  With >        a wink, she then added, "not *that* kind of creaming; that's >        for later.  Let me show you how."    ...... > > This is a sample of my new Cookbook For Adults, "coming" soon to > a bookstore near you.  I expect it to be a best seller.  Most guys > don't learn to cook because the books never speak in terms of what > motivates them.  Well, this book should take care of that excuse. > > Please tell me, oh Wise Oracle, what do you think of its chances?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's just do some market research here. } } Helmut Kohl:  "Achtung!  Das ist nicht fur gesnarfing!  Das ist fur die } geshectualintercoursing!" } } Ronald Reagan:  Well, you see, I seem to have forgotten how to fuck.  I } mean, I can't recollect who to cook.  I mean, oh, I really want to fuck } Batman, but Nancy wouldn't let me even buy a rubber Batman doll with a } real vibrating penis. } } Napoleon:  No.  An army marches on its stomach, and if they thought } about this they'd just come all the time and be in no shape to fight } once they got to Russia.  Besides, it's not real French cooking if } they're making German chocolate cake, is it?  Well, c'est la vie. } } Aunt Jemima:  Oh lawdie lawdie lawdie, what *will* they think of next? } } Juliet:  Alas, oh, woe is me that my Romeo must cook to me using such a } book as that!  Oh, cursed Sprite, that I was ever born to drink it } quite! } } Imelda Marcos:  That's not sex!  I have fucked an entire country for a } quarter of a century, and I know sex!  It's not even very good cooking. } } Spiro Agnew:  I am <ahem> very much disturbed <mumble> by <gasp> the } recent upsurgence <oh!> in <ah!  oooh> pornograp<oh oh oh OH OH OH!> } } Igor Stravinsky:  I am ze great artizt!  Do not bother my bodie with } such tresh! } } Abraham Lincoln:  I larnt to cook on a long-handled iron skillet over an } open fire.  That's why they elected me President.  But if I'd had a book } like that, I'd never have run for office. } } Prince Charles:  Oh, jolly good!  Another cookbook!  I'll just have } Princess Di toddle off and get one for the home!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is this Clair person anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On 18 July 1997, Clair Blickstein, of 182-E Avenue J, Brooklyn, NY, the } 4-year-old daughter of Isaac and Gertrude Blickstein, will become the } four billionth person in the history of the world to wonder why pigeons } walk so funny.  She will never learn that pigeons are highly } sophisticated surveillence devices, introduced to Earth thousands of } years ago by a vastly superior alien species, and deliberately made to } look ridiculous so that no one would suspect their true purpose. } However, this is not the Clair you had in mind. } } Clair van der Zee, of Rotterdam, The Netherlands, was the chemist who } originally discovered clairol, a complex phenol which has mild } rejunvenating powers when used externally, and which produces the } strongest hallucenations known to mankind when used internally.  After } she was reduced to a permanent vegatative state by repeated } experimentation with the chemical, all rights were bought by the } now-famous cosmetics corporation, which has ruthlessly suppressed any } hint of its more remarkable properties.  However, this too is not the } Clair you had in mind. } } Of the 37,287,431 other Clairs who are or have already lived on Earth -- } sorry, make that 37,287,432, there's been a christening in Less Barlham, } Sussex -- among all those Clairs, there are many with stories as } fascinating as those related above.  They can all be yours for the } asking:  Just send $9.95 plus $25 million for postage and handling to } The Oracle. } } } You owe the Oracle your eldest child.  Just name her "Clair;" the Oracle } will know where to find her.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Look, there's this dumb incarnation of the oracle running around with > these long adjectival descriptions of women (spineless bowls of monkey > sluts, etc.) He's made the Oracularities too many times.  He's not > funny.  And he keeps talking about Mongolian Cluster Priests screwing in > lightbulbs?  Enough Already!!!  You keep saying the same things in all > your answers and questions!!!  It's not funny anymore!!!  I mean, how > did this guy make the Oracularities twice in the same issue?  I'm not > jealous, pretty much all my stuff gets into the oracularities.  But now > I'm blithering drunk, and don't feel like being witty, just abusive. > What's going on, Oracle? > > Note:  please make sure this makes the Oracularities, just so this guy > will get the hint...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay, enough bullshit.  This is truly honest and truly the most } unbelievably coincidence I've ever heard of.  It was this incarnation of } the Oracle that wrote those words of wit that has managed to irk you so. } I've never even read the Oracularites.  Bizarre.  But I am deeply } offended by your insolence, you communist bastard.  I've half a mind to } cut and paste those lines right in here to guarantee this "message" } doesn't get into Oracularities.  Wouldn't that be good?  I still just } might.  Yea, that's what I'll do.  Show you, you Pretty & Plump } frequenting, mule skinning, orphan punching, Oracularite reading, U-Haul } renting, finger slamming, Clearisol supporting, Quick Vomit Entree } nuking, styrofone littering, worm stomping, barbaric, smelly, ugly pile } of abolone entrails. } } Piss off.