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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh Sacred Oracle of the most holy holey order, please answer me > this pressing question... > >       WHY DO YOU ALLOW TWITS?  ARGH!  I spend a goot 10 minutes writing > and responding thought provoking, funny responses, and I get total > shit back like: > >From Jerk Off: > > I WISH I KNEW.  DONT WE ALL? > > > JERK OFF > > Student >   ^^^^^^^^ > >       If you please, could you give me an explanation of this extended > amount of twitism we've been seeing?  Is it just another case of > rectal cranial inter-polation that we simply MUST deal with?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Patience, my son.  We are currently training another round of } Incarnations at the Oracle Academy.  This batch isn't really working } out; I suspect that they'll all be shipped off to do some lesser kind of } prognostication (probably economic modelling) within the month. } } You owe the Oracle your continued patience until this works itself out.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> None of my usual correspondents are answering my e-mail.  Unfortunately > I am too insecure to send them messages asking "hey, didn't you get the > e-mail I sent, & if so, why didn't you reply to it?" So please, wise > Oracle, how come they don't answer my mail?  Are they busy, have they > all suddenly decided that they hate me & don't want to correspond, is > some mailer-program eating the mail silently, have alien beings taken > possession of their bodies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm.  The Notorious-Nexus-Cross-Infinitesmal-Product-Paradox, } discovered by Bob Dunwitless in the latter part of the 23rd Century, } which states thus... } }    The amount of e-mail an individual receives is directly proportional }    to the social life of the individual, times the product of }    the individual attractiveness and personality constants. } } In other words, you're a nerd. } } You owe the Oracle a life and a pocket protector, plus the first-edition } AD&D game.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, most obsequious, viscous and vituperous, wallowing in > the wisdom of the ages.  Why do I get this feeling that the "Miracle > Blade" is the same thing as the "Ginsu Knife"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Probably for the same reason I have a nagging suspicion that your } opening was not particularly flattering to Me -- a ridiculous notion, of } course.  If you ask any psychiatrist, they'll tell you that minor bouts } of paranoia like this are very common, and that you should shedule an } set of appointments with them right away to get yourself cured.  And } bring along any friends with similar delusions.  They'll say this } because they're the ones causing the paranoia, the bastards.  Not many } people know it, but they regularly release Sulfur hexaparanoid trioxide } into the atmosphere; every Wednesday after golf, in fact.  Can't have } people be well adjusted or they'd be out of job.  Half they private } detectives in the world are hired by psychiatrists to spy on people at } random, for no other reason than to give them the willies.  Why am I } telling you this?  Why did you ask that question?  You're trying to make } Me more paranoid aren't you?  You're a psychiatrist lackey!  I knew it. } No, no, he's just a questioner, calm down.  If you start thinking that } way you'll go crazy.  But isn't crazy just what a psychiatrist lackey } wants you to think you are?!  Yeah!  GANGWAY, GANGWAY, airraid alert, } psychiatrist lackeys in the building!  Ethereal Beings first, women and } children second, facist spies last!  Out of my way turkeys, I'm busting } through to my fallout shelter!  Try and get me when I have my 12 guage, } YEAH, just try and get me!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Hadn't the guard at the gates > of the citadel been given a list of names?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       To expound a bit on your question, you're obviously asking about } the citadel with two doors and two guards in logic problems, one door } leads to heaven, one to hell, one guard always tells the truth, one } always lies, and you can ask only one question.  Your wondering, do you } really have a choice like that, because you thought that the guard just } had a list of who went where and that's where you went. } }       It turns out that logicians are also much better theologians than } everyone thought, because recently many people who have had near-death } experiences have actually seen these two guards and the doors.  Some } people claim that this is unfair because they will end up having asked } two questions when they finally go.  Oh well, c'est la mort. } }       You owe the oracle a flame shield against all those who are about } to complain about his incorrect French.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       PLEASE can I have a flamethrower for Christmas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} cc: sclaus@blitzen.north.pole.mil } } The Oracle has forwarded your request to the correct authorities. In the } future, please use the address listed above for all such requests. } } Just to warn you, before your request can be granted, you will have to } submit the following forms: } }       AFR54-1 Requisition form for flamethrower requisition form }       AFR26-12 Requisition for authorization to complete requisition }                form for flamethrower }       AFR51-50 Request for carbons to copy in triplicate the requisition }                for requisition forms }       AFRZ16/45 Requisition for regulation concerning requisition to }                 requisition a request for flamethrower }       NPT - 5  Application to operate Mark 26 Anti-Infantry Thrower, }                Flame (this is what Santa usually keeps in stock. If you }                want a different, specific model, you'll need to make a }                special order -- ask Santa about that) }       VIV90.0 Identification documents cover form } } With this last document, you must include: } }       Drivers License                 Social Security Card }       MasterCard/Visa                 Library Card (local) }       Passport                        East Berlin Entry Visa }       Green Card                      Birth Certificate }       Yellow Card }       Red Cross Water Safety Instructor Certification Card }       Red Cross Fire Safety Instructor Certification Card }       Smokey the Bear Fan Club Card and (photo of) Secret Decoder Ring } }       And a note from your mother. } } When Santa receives your original request, he will send you the standard } Santa Contract.  You can fill that out via e-mail and send the other } documents to the fax number that he will provide.  The Santa Contract } is fairly simple (just be prepared to defend yourself when you reach the } "naughty and nice" clause).  Don't even think of forging the note.  You } can get most of these forms at your county Civic Center; I suggest you } check at the appropriate office there or at your local sheriff's } office about local possession and handling laws. } } You owe the Oracle six hours of unedited Vietnam front-line coverage (in } Beta format) and a TYJ45/5.6-00 requisition for authorization } requisition for requisition forms RT36 and RT37.2 (request for cute } chicks).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do women want from men?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, that's a tricky one.  For mortal men, that is, not for the Usenet } Oracle. } } However, the Oracle regrets to inform you that what you seek is } classified information -- for the minds of Women Everywhere and the } Usenet Oracle only.  However, the Oracle feels within the Oracle's } rights to provide you with a few hints: } }        1) Money can't buy it. }        2) It needs no assembly. }        3) There are no legal patents or copyrights pertaining to it. }        4) It is non-perishable. }        5) UPS will not ship it red (next-day) or blue (1-2 days). }        6) It "goes better" with the more subdued fall colors (in the }           Oracle's opinion). }        7) It is dishwasher-safe. }        8) It generally comes in packs of three or four, or individually }           packaged in lots of 50 or 100. }        9) It's not what you think it is. }       10) You can find it between "aardvark" and "zygote" in most }           dictionaries. } } If you need more hints, feel free to ask.  If you catch the Oracle on a } good day, you may be rewarded with a few more.  (note:  Women Everywhere } is a term referencing the collective mind of women everywhere.  Most } individuals have no direct access to this information.  In other words, } the Oracle believes that most women, in fact, don't know what they want } from men.) } } You owe the Oracle a psychology text in which is actually printed the } phrase "having a tendency to repudiate."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great an mysterious Oracle, whose prophesies give me guidance, > please answer this most humble question: > When I drink Jolt cola, I don't feel any more awake, but I start to > shake heavily.  What can I do about this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course you don't feel any more AWAKE, my dear child.  In fact, the } only way to GAIN the PURE and EVERLASTING AWAKENESS is to EMBRACE, yes, } EMBRACE the TRUE and UNDYING DIVINE GUIDANCE, yes, of the USENET ORACLE! } Hallelujah!  You see, brother, to WRITE the DIVINE PROPHECIES is SURELY, } yes, the ONLY, I say ONLY REASON for your EXISTANCE on this speck of } dust of a planet!  The ORACLE preaches that He who Writes the Askme's is } SURELY, child, in no need of sleep..  or his money, so send it all to } the ORACLE.  Glory be! } } You owe the ORACLE six cases of Jolt.  Amen.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who punctuates me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I do, of course.  Well actually I do when I'm in a generous mood (not } often).  But, if you remember the time last Thursday when you made } that threat, and then a huge clap of thunder sounded, that was me.  By } the way, did you really rip him limb from limb?  Same with the time } you stopped your conversation Tuesday a week ago for a dramatic pause, } and the wind whipped up just a bit so that it was clear that no-one in } the room was saying anything. } } You owe the Oracle 10,000 each of .'s ,'s and ''s since they're easier } to use than that subtle environmental stuff.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oracle, am I destined to lose my hair because of the radioactive > materials I handle each day, or will I just become infertile and lose > all of my teeth. > >   Please, I must know !!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It seems important that you should know } The effects of radioactive glow } Your hair will slowly fall from your head } Gath'ring in clumps at the foot of your bed } Worse yet! Soon you will see to perish } The organ which you most deeply cherish } Infertility will be your curse } Your relationships will turn for the worse } Your teeth will rot and fall from your mouth } And bile and drips of ... er, excuse me a moment } } <AAUAUGUUGUHHH ---  RETCH> } } Now, where was I? Oh, never mind. You may wish to consider a less } life-threatening profession.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the purpose of the little thing on the corner of my desk that > keeps bouncing up and down and going, ``Ping''?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If it's a little blue thing, and the sound is a rather tinny "Ping", } then it's a genetically engineered eavesdropping device placed there by } either CIA or FBI agents.  They believe that a person will become } entertained by this little critter, befriend it, and then emote all } their lifes deep secrets, such as the fact that they once campaigned for } Lyndon Larouche or that they really admire Fidel Castro's beard.  You'd } be best served by insulting the little thing, telling it that it's } mother was a weak strain of E-Coli or that you've known golf balls with } more personality.  The little thing should leave, although it will walk } away sulking, trying to get you to feel sorry for it. } } Now, if it's a little flourescent green thing that makes more of a } gutteral "Ping", then you'd better leave your desk and immediately call } the EPA.  I can't give you any more details for the sake of operational } security.  Sorry. } } You owe the Oracle a case of SPAM.