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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wonderful Oracle, please answer this question: > > Why the hell is Peter Arnett of CNN staying in Baghdad??  Is he stupid, > or is Ted Turner paying him megabucks to risk his life and freedom?  Or > does Ted Turner have something on this guy thatt he's using to blackmail > him wwith?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Peter Arnett remains in Baghdad because he was looking for a party one } day. His boss said, Go to Baghdad, it'll be a blast.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does she get hot at the wrong times?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's the thermostat.  The Oracle strongly suggests that you invest } in one of those new, sophisticated, time-based thermostats so you } can have much closer control over temperature regulation.  You } know, warmer in winter, cooler in summer, you can time it for } when she gets home, things like that. } } Oh, that's not the kind of hot you meant?  Sorry, women's sexual } response is one of the Inner Mysteries, and is not to be revealed } to the unenlighted without a substantial cash payment.  However, } for free, the Oracle will make a suggestion: correlate her level } of desire with her monthly period.  The results may surprise } you. } } The Oracle, of course, doesn't have this problem.  Lisa's always } hot. } } You owe the Oracle a lifetime supply of a reliable contraceptive.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    As you most undoubtedly have already divined, I run a small local > BBS.  But I have a problem.  I have at least one, but probably many > callers who think it hilarious to sign on with various usernames like > "Who Me?," "A User," and various vulgarities such as "Fuck You." What > can I say to these people in order to dissuade them from continuing this > barabric practice?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that's a real tuffy.  I think that saying something like "Please } choose a name that you will remember, to prevent loss of data." is a lot } better than some ill thought out revenge-type plan.  I mean, it would be } tragic to build a list of forbidden strings, and if the user used one of } them the bbs were to say "Thinking" and disconnect them.  That's no good } at all!  Also terrible would be if you were to (instead of immediate } disconnection) wait till mid-way thru a down/upload, posting a message } or something, then say "bad username error, data lost" and then drop the } connection.  Shameful! } } No, something like: } }       +-------------------------------------------------------+ }       |    *** The great fuckhead username competition! ***   | }       |Yes, it's true, the great fuckhead username competition| }       |is here for you to try.  When signing on, try to use an| }       |original and inventive username like "Fuck You" or  "A-| }       |User"  because we find them really funny.   I tell you,| }       |the time my Aunty June got her hand caught in the spin-| }       |dryer and  got torn to bits is nothing as funny as see-| }       |ing a "funny" username for the billionth time.         | }       |**Prizes**                                             | }       |Should you  win,  you'll be given as a prize, a maximum| }       |message download/upload size of 50 bytes, a accountlife| }       |of up to 2 days, and no mail privileges.  Be in to win!| }       +-------------------------------------------------------+ }       |   However,  should  you choose a username that is also| }       |useful, but also sounds human in nature,  we're  afraid| }       |the best we can offer you is unrestricted download size| }       |Uninterrupted connections,  mailing privileges,  almost| }       |complete guarantee that your password minimum length is| }       |less than 45.                                          | }       +-------------------------------------------------------+

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    OH ORACLE MOST WISE.  THIS QUESTION HAS PLAQUED ME FOR YEARS.  IF YOU > MAY FIND THE TIME PLEASE TELL ME THE ANSWER TO THIS IMMORTAL QUESTION. > WHY DOESN'T THE COYOTE EVER CATCH THE ROAD RUNNER? > >                                       THANK YOU WISE ONE >                                       ROB NIESCHWIETZ > > NIESCHWIETZ, ROBERT JAMES > Student

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm.  I got a question looking like yours from a guy named HEINZ, } HAROLD ERIK, Student:  Are you sure you don't know him?  No?  Wierd, } maybe you to were seperated at birth and developed the same ALL CAPS } writing style.  It's nice, though, don't change it.  I like the } anti-e.e.cummings look, very chique.  Now for a question to plaque you } for years is very dangerous if you don't brush regularly, but it looks } like you've dealt with it nicely. } } To answer your question, I'll have to consult the net.animation.god, } Walt. } } {/}telnet micky.disney.com } } DISNEY INDUSTRIES } } login:Oracle } Password: } } {*.*} write walt } Hi, Walt, Oracle here, I've got a question for you. } EOT } {*.*} <BEEP> } -- Message from walt@micky.disney.com, use talk to respond. } {*.*} talk } <Compressed transcription follows:> } Oracle, you lousy bastard, I was just using vi to create a new Roger } Rabbit short, and you messed up 6 weeks of work!  Don't you ever use } mail? } } All the time Walt, sorry, but this is urgent.  I've got a client who } wants to know why the Coyote never catches the Road Runner. } } Stupid client.  It's obvious, if the Coyote eats the Road Runner, there } won't be any more cartoons about them, since the Coyote won't have a } foil, or a motive to pull his crazy schemes.  It would also cause the } collapse of ACME, which is dependent on the Coyote for half of its } income.  Now get going, before I drop a 2 ton block on that client! } } Connection dropped } {*.*} } {*.*} exit } {/:Root sweet Root}oracle -resume -answer_in_progress } } There you have it bubba, and if you find your evil twin, tell him to } stop asking me about the sexual habits of historical figures.  He's } getting annoying. } } You owe the oracle the whereabouts of his evil twin Skippy.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need about $15,000 by Friday, or they'll kill me.  Do you know > where I can find it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} $9203:        Go to _L'Eleganza_ at dinnertime.  Steal all the tips. } } $2218:        Sell your old sweat socks to Dr. Mario Gwalshmaque, an }         eccentric scientist who will use them to create a toxic slush }         monster capable of destroying cities with a single snorsh. } } $1981:        Bake a chocolate cake with an iron-filing frosting.  Sell }         it to Horace Fermash, who believes that he doesn't get enough }         iron in his diet. } } $ 931:        Buy half a ton on Brie cheese and a cord of mesquite wood. }         Sell grilled Brie to yuppies in Harlem. } } $ 412:        Snitch the eye of the Great Idol of Thula-Doom, which is }         an immense cubic zirconium. } } $ 103:        Grow pot.  Sell pot. } } $ 102:        Grow oregano.  Sell as pot. } } $  48:        threaten to send photos of G. Bush and R. Nixon engaged in }         sexual acts to the Boston Tribune. } } $   2:        Borrow from your kid brother. } ------ } $15,000. } } You owe the Oracle $18,000 by Friday, or I'll kill you.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Let us now fancy, for the moment, that the ring first thrown off by the >    Sun - that is to say, the ring whose breaking-up constitued Neptune - >    did not, in fact, break up until the throwing-off of which Uranus >    arose; that this latter ring, again, remained perfect until the >    discharge of that from which originated Jupiter- and so on." >                 From  Eureka, by Edgar Allen Poe > >  Did the ring break up before Uranus rose or did it in fact remain >   perfect until the discharge of that which originated Jupiter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good question.  Let me rummage through some old news clippings... } hmmm.... } } Aha!  Here it is: } }   SOLAR FLARE ALERT }   February 22, -2984782 } }   ATTENTION: } }       A significant surge of solar activity has begun.  Two very }   significant and very large active regions have developed and are now }   capable of spawning major energetic flare activity.  In addition, }   significant activity has been observed on the eastern limb.  Loops and }   an associated flare was observed near S14E90 today.  The solar flux }   has exploded to a value of 244 and is expected to rise perhaps in }   excess of 260 by the time the peak is reached.  The sunspot number has }   likewise experienced a dramatic increase and is now reported at a }   value of 216 (although it will likely climb quite higher as the }   eastern limb region(s) rotate into view). } }       At 03:18 UT, a long-duration class M3.2/SN flare was generated }   jointly by Regions 6462 and 6466.  The duration of this flare was an }   enormous 173 minutes (2 hours, 53 minutes)!  It was accompanied by }   significant radio bursts as well as Type II and Type IV sweep }   frequency events.  The flare location was at S19E42 and was associated }   with a strong 5,800 s.f.u. (solar flux unit) radio burst at 245 MHz. }   It produced a SID/SWF between 03:18 UT and 06:11 UT, affecting }   frequencies up to 13 MHz.  This flare WILL produce a terrestrial }   impact, and will form a ring that should remain perfect until another }   ring discharge emanates, producing a large orange planet with a really }   nasty thunderstorm on it that will likely last many eons.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do some girls have bigger ideas and bigger aspirations than others?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear, another lapse in quality control!  If you'll excuse me a moment } while I call up LGMCO (Little Girl Manufacturing Co.) to whom God is } currently subcontracting the human production to. } } <ring, ring> } LGMCO: Good epoch, LGM Company... } Oracle: This is the Usenet Oracle.  May I speak with Bozo Bitterbreath? } L: One moment please... } L: <sounds of 1000 Strings Orchestra playing the latest Ian Drury tune> } O: I hate music-on-hold. } L: Mr. Bitterbreath's line, may I help you? } O: This is the Usenet Oracle.  I'd like to speak to Mr. Bitterbreath } about the Heaven contract. } L: Hold on... } L:  <the 1000 Strings Orchestra returns, now somnambulating to } Prokoviev's Classical Symphony> } B: Bitterbreath here.  How can I help you? } O: This is the Usenet Oracle.  I've been receiving complaints about the } quality of girls from your production line in recent generations. } Although your contract calls for uniformly sized ideas and aspirations } in all the girls from your factory, apparently there's been some } variations in the product. } B:  We did have some assembly line problems for a while.  Spice was a } little low in supply due to the Persian Gulf war, and we had to stretch } out our stocks for a while.  The contract allows for a 3% variation in } aspirations and ideas, and we don't think that we exceeded that limit. } O:  I'll have to check that with the account executive and the quality } control officer.  We may have to exact contractual penalties if those } girls were more inconsistent than you say they were. } B:  Oh, um, ah, yes, I do remember the penalty clause in the contract. } Say, Oracle, how's that leather and fur covered water bed that we sent } you last year holding up?  I understand you're a heavy user of } water-filled furniture. } O:  Fine, thank you, it's definitely up to the considerable strain of } being in the Oracle's service.  But the leather is wearing out in places } and the fur smells a little funny.  And it did spring a leak last month } when me and Lisa were trying a little threesome with an extremely horny } satyr. } B:  My brother-in-law at the water-bed factory was complaining that he } needed some exceptional sexual atheletes to test his latest models. } I'll have him send over a couple of modules from his "SloshRite" line. } O: That would be wonderful.  I've always wanted a "Sloshrite". } B:  Good.  And I'm sure you'll find no irregularites with our adherance } to the girl contract. } O: Yes indeed.  Have a good diurnal. } <click> } } You owe the Oracle the name of another Heavenly subcontracter to shake } down.  And a condom that will fit over a rhinocerous horn...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Despite the temptation to simly answer your null question with a null } answer (even the Oracle gets sarcastic sometimes.  Really.), the Oracle } has divined your true question, and answers it herewith. } } You can, but only in the early morning.  After about 10:30, it's really } too hot, and there are far too many people about.  However, if you are } determined, the Oracle recommends that you wear appropriate protective } clothing, and that you leave the duck home. } } You owe the Oracle a videotape of it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Most Wise and Omnipotent One, In Whose General Direction I Would Never > Fart: > > I think imposters are answering your mail. > > The last time I wrote to you, I described a big ugly green dragon who > said that I owed him $38.27 for the water bill, or else he would turn me > into a broken overhead projector, and take my treasured autographed > Kevin Elster CD collection.  When I asked for help, the reply was to put > in a CD that would make him sick to death, and then run for it. > However, I know that since you are the all-knowing Oracle, you knew that > the big green ugly dragon was standing in front of my stereo system, and > that it doesn't have a remote control.  Only the real Oracle would have > known this, and therefore would not have told me to put in a CD, which > would have caused major bodily harm. > > However, being ever-faithful, I tried the best I could.  I started to > hum a few bars of "Roar Lion Roar", the Columbia University fight song > (you know, the one they never get to play at any of their football > games).  The big ugly green dragon metamorphosized into Arnold > Schwarzenegger's evil twin brother, Ludwig.  Ludwig told me that in > addition to the water bill, I had to pay for singing lessons, or else he > would have sex with Fifi, my goldfish, drink all of my Labatt's Blue, > shoot me, and then turn me into a broken overhead projector and take my > autographed Kevin Elster CD collection, and then call the Rush Limba > program to denounce liberal pro-choice animal-rights weenies. > > I have two questions:  1) What are you going to do about those > imposters, and 2) What should I do about the water bill?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's Rush Limbaugh, ignoramus.  For that, you die.  Nothing you can do } can prevent your death.  The imposters have done a good enough job & } they will be well rewarded. } } You'll be too dead to care about the water bill.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Poo. Nord fweep drep gwaaaah. > > Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       What?  Are you serious about that?  Even with your mouth full of } pork rinds, I know what you're blathering out..."You.  Not sweet Depp } God." } }       I'll have you know that I am indeed the God that Edward } Chickenbonehands prays to every night.  You'd better believe that the } star of 21 Jumpropeskiphop Street looks up to me for guidance in his } miserable life.  You think it was by accident that he had the nerve to } ask Winona Rider out?  Get real, I am The Sweet Depp God... } }       You owe it to yourself, Mr. Burton, not to eat and talk at the } same time, and you owe the Oracle another Batman movie with hype } surpassing most organized religions...