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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are British people actually dead or do they actually act that way?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes. } } You see, either British people are dead (there are quite a lot of them } that are, after all.  All over the world.) or they act that way.  The } problem is that Britain is not that big, and over the centuries they } have gradually begun to realize that sticking all the stiffs underground } would soon cause most of the islands to be covered with graveyards.  So, } little known to outsiders, British people have their deceased relatives } stuffed, mounted in fairly normal poses and scattered about their } castles, cottages and hovels. } } In order to hide this fact from the rest of the world, most of the } living British pretend they are dead so the stuffed ones blend in.  Now } you also know why so many people refer to the British as stuffy. } } You owe the Oracle an explaination as to how that country produced Monty } Python.  And some tea and a few scones, lightly buttered.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a religion out there that isn't based on BS?  Please tell me > about it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Ah, a philosophical question which has bugged man and other } insignificant life forms for ages.  Yes indeed, tricky.  Very tricky. } The Oracle, however, should He condescend to tell you, in his infinite } wisdom and general omniomniscience and plethora of transistorized grey } matter knows THE ANSWER. } }   Yes, indeed, there are, in fact, _two_ religions which have absolutely } nothing to do with BS.  The first is practiced by a little known tribe } of small, multi-tentacled, scintillating, blue creatures who inhabit the } space in refridgerators between the freezer and refridgeration } compartments.  These creatures, who call themselves the nobblegripi, } worship the great light of the north, which flashes on intermittently } during the days and occasionally during nocturnal hours.  Their major } deity, God Thurmatabilube, Lord of the doorswitch, is much revered and } honored in song.  Weekly, prayers and sacrifices are made to him in an } attempt to stave off the apocalyptic end profetically announced by their } greatest wise sage elder, Fred, which concerns a time known as "The } Coming of the Year-Old Potato Salad." }   This entire religion is based on an event of ancient history, passed } orally down through the years.  A story of bravery, cunning, romance, } and jello pudding pops, not to mention cats.  As a matter of fact, this } story has to do with cats in a very big and disgusting way.  As far as } the All-Seeing Oracle can make out, back near the dawn of time, a } housecat was locked in the refridgerator of a family living in the South } of France.  The cat survived for about two days before it finally gave } up the ghost, and managed to live a life of ecstasy for a few hours of } those days, consuming many of the poultry products stored in the fridge. }   In its dying hours, this cat bequeathed many items in the } refridgerator with the organic waste-products of its feast.  According } to the ledgend, some of these waste products reacted favorably (or, } depending on your opinion, unfavorably) with a particularly rancid tin } of onion dip to produce the first two nobblegripi.  Thus a race and } religion was born, based not on BS, but on something entirely more } disgusting. } }   Then, of course, there is the worship of the Almighty, the } All-Knowing, the All-Encompassing, The All-modest ORACLE!  Briefly, the } worship of The Oracle began with an accident concerning a Minotaur, a } King, about 5 small rodents, Two glasses of vodka, and a cherry coke, } which the Oracle would prefer not to go into right now, but rest assured } that it is indeed noble, and befitting such a great incarnation as the } Oracle, and has nothing to do with BS. } }   You owe the Oracle a snake, an apple, and a several lightning bolts.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear sirs- Kinzler and oracle programmers- > >    I have found your product to be sufficiently accurate- > yes, some of the predictions are set awry by a nagging bit > of metaphysical randomnicity and yet, for the most part, > the Oracle has responded to my queries of the future > with wholly honest and unbelievable accuracy.  Thus I commend > you. >    I will be frank, however, about a bug in your system > that continually tells me in response to my question: >    "When is Armageddon?" by answering- >    "The answer is unclear- try again later" or >    "Maybe"                                  or >    "Often" >    This often gets on my nerves: if you cannot form a > subroutine which recognizes when its prognostication methods > have simply been outwitted and responds truthfully- "I really > don't know" then at least fix the clairvoyancy program to > not come up with such filthy scum random answers! > Also, will Oracle v7.1 have a pop-up calculator and > pop-up puzzle and will future versions of the Oracle > allow for the prognostication of questions I may ask > so I don't need to type them in when I'm tired? > >                     Thanks Sincerely, >                       Nostradamus

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Come on Nosty, you know very well that you are only permitted to ask the } Oracle one question per message. } } You owe the Oracle the question to the answer to the question of life, } the universe and everything.  Oh, and I could do with a pint of milk } too.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is the best foot ball payler of all time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hm. The payling of foot balls has long been a tradition among the } Kwaaahooonie aborigine tribe in the depths of the Amazon Rain Forest. } } Foot ball payling involves the repeated striking of the ball of the } foot with a large wooden staff known as the "payle." This wooden } staff is split, so as to make a loud smacking sound when it strikes } the foot. This, of course, can be painful, and repeated foot ball } paylers are known for their distinctive limps. } } The best foot ball payler of all time was Hroo'Kt'Kt'wah, who made } himself famous by payling his foot balls for over 38 hours straight. } } You owe the Oracle a "Tribe-sized" pack of extra-large Dr. Scholl's } foot ball pads for what I had to go through while researching this } question... Ouch!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ah finally!  We've been stuck up here in heaven for thousands of years. > They've finally installed these terminals.  They just don't have enough > of them.  Oh, but I'll stop whining and get to my question. > > I'm a soul who's been sitting up her in heaven for the past few hundred > years (or so they tell me.  They won't even let us have so much as a > watch.) Well, they've finally told me that I can have another > incarnation on Earth.  The problem is that I only have a rough idea of > my possible parents.  So I'll give you my list of possible candidates, > and my question is, "Which on is my best bet?" > > 1.  An English couple called Charles and Dianne.  All I know is that >     they're rich, and in something called "tabloids". > > 2.  A single woman from the colonies named Jane Doe.  She lives in some >     place called the "Bronx". > > 3.  An old guy called Saddam.  I think he rules a country or two.  Also >     supposedly rich. > > 4.  A couple from the colonies called Homer and Marge.  Supposedly the >     "typical American family"  (whatever that means) > > 5.  Lisa  (no information given)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I take it you don't wish to remain up there, which would actually be } your best bet, with all the nonsense happening down here right now. } With that recommendation out of the way, I'll rank your choices in order } of "best bet" to "worst bet". } } 4. Homer and Marge would make excellent parents for you. They're very }    liberal, up-to-date, and popular. } } 3. Saddam is kind of crazy, but very rich. He'd be likely to give you, }    say, Argentina for your 16th birthday. } } 2. Jane Doe is scheduled for no particular greatness, but is caring. } } 1. Charles and Diana. Also rich, and great press coverage. If you were }    willing to put up with the digs from your friends, you'd be able to }    have a great time spitting on peasants. } } 5. Lisa would have no time to spend with you, and you'd have a very }    unstable upbringing, and would eventually join the New Jersey Mob. } } So, while you have some prospects down here, you've really got to } decide what sort of lifestyle you would prefer. Karma, ha! } } You owe the Oracle your apartment in Heaven, once you're through with } it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Explain why a systems analyst might want to draw logical models of an > automated portion of an existing information system rather than simply > accepting the existing technical information systems documentation, such > as systems flowcharts and program flowcharts. > > Show all work.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <Uh-oh, I think I missed class that day.  Time for some creative BS ...> } } A systems analyst might want to draw logical models of an automated } portion of an existing information system rather than simply accepting } the existing technical information systems documentation, such as } systems flowcharts and program flowcharts, because } } <... because ... because ... because WHY!?  Hell if I know.  Lessee ...> } } because he would } } <oh yeah, this prof is big on non-sexist language ... *erase*erase* ...> } } because he or she knew that the technical writer that wrote the said } existing technical information systems documentation was a total luser } and wouldn't know which end of a flowchart was up.  Also, he or she had } an anal-retentive fixation, caused by an early childhood experience with } his or her mother and an enema, forcing him or her to draw logical } models of quite every aspect of his or her life. } } <There!  If that doesn't get me an A+ in "The Psychology of Computer } Professionals" seminar, nothing will!  Damn ...  I'm good.  Guess that's } why I'm the Oracle!>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh immortal Oracle of immense wisdom, answer me this question: > >   Why should you never remove tag on a mattress?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'd be amazed at how many people ask that question.  Basically, } the whole matter revolves around the rather tricky business of karma } and reincarnation.  I can explain this all rather easily if you're } Hindu.. Hmmm. <flip flip>. You're not. Damn. This means I gotta give you } the rather pathetically over-simplified western version. } }   There's this thing called the "wheel of life and death", see?  Sort } of like Goodyear steel-belted radials, but a lot different. And there } are these cows, ok? You can't eat the cows (though you do anyway, you } infidel) because they've gone around this wheel once and are now the } intermediate reincarnations of your immediate ancestors (yes, that's } your dear departed Auntie Flora in that Big Mac you're chomping on, you } cretin!). } }   With me so far? Good. Now some folks, depending on how much } "good and bad karma" they stock up, go through a lot more intermediate } stages than just Bessie out on the prairie (or in that Taco Bell super } taco you just wolfed down - ugh). Sometimes, if they were especially } cretinous, they get to spend their next few incarnations as some } particularly distasteful inanimate object.  That's where the mattresses } come in.  There aren't too many incarnations less pleasant than } a mattress, to tell you the truth.  Fat smelly people roll on you, } leak various fluids onto you, and generally compress your springs } and soil you to the point where they finally throw you out into } the alley where alcoholic drunks pee on you or throw up on you, often } both at the same time. } } For some reason, women are never reincarnated as mattresses (women } with bad karma are reincarned as astro-turf), only men.  That little } tag is the psychic extension of a certain.. Umm.. Former portion of the } deceased male's anatomy (perhaps because that particular organ was } the focus of so much attention during the previous life).  So you see, } ripping that little tag off would generally make an already hellish } mattressy incarnation considerably worse. The Oracle gets chills just } thinking about it. } } You owe The Oracle a water bed, complete with heater and mirrored } canopy.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh wise oracle tell me the colors of the rainbow.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet. } } Actually, the Oracle has never seen indigo in a rainbow and strongly } suspects that it is a marketing fraud.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT SHOULD I ASK YOU?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should not trouble The Oracle with questions of this level of } insignificance.  You should ask The Oracle questions that involve } intellect, since the fact that you asked The Oracle this question } will follow you for the rest of your natural life. } } To assist you in your quest for a quality question, consider these } examples: } } Why is the red light on top? } } Tell me about the Banach-Tarski Paradox. } } How do magazines procreate? } } If sound doesn't travel in a vacuum, why do vacuum cleaners make so } much noise? } } What happens to the other sock when I unload the dryer? } } Who empties the wishing well? } } If a man is a liar and tells you he is telling a lie, is he? } } If you have rain dance practice, does it rain during practice? } } What happens to the electrons after they turn the light on? } } What makes a number irrational? } } } You owe The Oracle the answers to any 9 of these questions.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does that one go?  You know.  The one about the cigarette girl and > the organ grinder and his monkey ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sorry, that joke has been classified by the Monty Python Killing } Joke Limitation Agreement.  If you like I can tell you the one about the } guy with the tapeworm. } }       This guy goes to the doctor and says, "hey, Doc, I have this }       terrible tapeworm, can you help me?". The doctor runs some }       tests and says to him "this will take a while... come back }       tomorrow with two apples and a cookie." } } Message from god@heaven.com } > Don't you dare! That's the killing joke! } ^Z } 17776 % mesg n } 17777 % fg } }       The guy is dubious, but this doctor is supposed to be really }       hot, so he does it. The doctor tells him to bend over and }       shoves the apples and the cookie up his ass, and tells him }       to come back the next day with two more apples and a cookie. } } Message from root@heaven.com } > I don't know what you did to get the big guy upset, but you better } > stop it. } ^Z } 17778 % ps -qt console } 56080 99516 46* } 17779 % su } Password: } 1 # passwd root } New password: } Re-enter new password: } 2 # kill -9 -46 } 3 # exit } 4 # 17780 % fg } }       This goes on for a week, and the guy is getting really ticked }       off. But he's paying a lot for this treatment, so he doesn't say }       anything. Finally the doctor tells him to come back with two }       apples and a hammer. } } Message from powerdown@console } > System going down RIGHT NOW... } }       I'll get back to you. } } You owe the oracle an account at the nearest public access UNIX system.