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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracularities used to be an awe inspiring, mind broadening, > right-thinking, All-American, God-fearing, bookshelf dusting, pie > baking, kinky sex playacting, stacking Tupperware Klein-bottle > promoting, omniscience boosting pile of good clean fun.  But now its a > Hell-raising, God-logging-on-and-stupid-message-writing, Ohio-bashing, > Lisa-worshipping, eye-poking, doorknob-cleaning, gas-guzzling, > cat-raping forum for iconoclastic idiomatic cliquish aggrandizement. > What happened? > > You owe the Questioner a good answer and some of Lisa's toenail polish.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah!  YEAH!  Damn right.  A steady influx of dweebs and retirement of } good old boys, that's the problem.  Used to be only devoted, } industrious, honest-to-God neurotic closet comedians spoke to Me.  Or at } least genuine scruff-ball hackers.  Why, when I was a youngster, we had } to deliver E-Mail by hand, and go back the next day to verify reception } in person.  None of this pansy mailer daemon stuff.  We used to crawl on } our hands and knees, dragging our faces along the asphalt for hundreds } of miles just to get a question to the then Oracle.  Then we would } perform devotional services which involved hacking off our limbs } repeatedly, roasting them on a spit and eating them with A-1 sauce, just } so the Oracle would give us a good answer.  Then the Oracle retired and } I took over, and I tell you it's been downhill ever since.  Not a SINGLE } person has barbequed his liver for Me since I don't know when. } Obnoxious twerps just call Me names, give me stupid answers when I quiz } them and keep trying to get at my sweetheart, the BIG L.  Makes Me wish } for the good old days before Federal regulations prevented Me from } frying petitioners for the hell of it, but now I need to get my DOD } grant renewed every year and can only fry the people they want fried, so } I get no respect. } } I'll forgive you for asking for Lisa's toenail polish because I can see } you're one of the last remaining, disgruntled good-old-boys.  And 'cause } I'm not allowed to fry you anyway, dammit.  Just send Me a check and } I'll endorse it over to the war effort.  (Sigh)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > Please answer this, my question: Why won't AEJ give me a bigger quota?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hoho, I think it's time to consult the new Oracular Acronym Database! } } ** Welcome to Oracular Database Machine ** } Login : Oracle } Password : } You have Mail } -- }   No News is good News } -- } } $ oad -f AEJ } oad : illegal option --f } usage : oad -adlLrvz [names] [files] } $ man oad } } oad(1)       (Oracle Essential Utilities)               oad(1) } } } NAME }     oad - oracle acronym database, list and updates all the acronyms the } oracle (the great) might find in the silly human questions. } } DESCRIPTION } }      Option -a adds an acronym to the database. Usage : -a name file1 }      [file2] where file1 is the definition of acronym name and file2 the }      database file if file2 is not specified /etc/acro/database is used } }      Option -d delete an acronym from the database. }      Usage : -d name [file] delete acronym name from database file }      if file is not specified /etc/acro/database is used } }      Option -l list all the definitions of an acronym. }      Usage : -l name [file] : list all definitions from acronym name in }      database file. If file is not specified /etc/acro/database is used } ^D } $ oad -l AEJ } ** connected to acronym database, using /etc/acro/database } } American Eminent Journalist : The reason for the quota is very simple. } As there are far more journalist in the gulf than soldiers, the } american governement is afraid that journalists decide that Kuwait is a } nice place to live and and expel irakis and soldiers. } } Abortion Electric Jukebox : A machine where are recorded all the songs } and all the speechs against and for abortion.  I'm sorry but your quota } is of five records only. } } Army Expensive Jaguar :  Dear Mr Major, since the beginning of the war } you've alredy lost 6 planes, be more carefull next time and you will } maybe have some more to play with. } } Association of English Jazzmen : To inprove you quota of groupies it } would be easier if you would stop singing. Or at least not while blowing } your horn. } } Amstrad Enormous Junk : They make machines that looks like computers, } that taste likes computers but that are not computers. They can't give } you a bigger quota because they no longer exist. } } > MSG from alan.sugar@amstrad.notdead : Say that again and I withdraw } all my money from Oracularies-in-need fund! } > EOF } oops I think I mistaked amstrad with Amdhal! } } } *** WARNING : AEJ (Acronym End of Job) : You have reach your quota *** } Disconnected } $ } } You owe the oracle a reason while he cannot get a bigger quota from his } acronym database.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O great, wise, omniscient Oracle, I have a very puzzling > question.  What does UNIX have to do with cheese graters?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   UNIX has about as much to do with cheese graters as ms-dos has to do } with coffee-makers.  That is to say, quite a lot. } }   It is a little known, and often misunderstood fact that many everyday } kitchen appliances are running various operating systems.  In fact, } almost every household machine is under the command of some sort of } convoluted set of instructions. } }   UNIX and ms-dos have the run of the kitchen, while the lamps and } fireplace in the livingroom is under the control of CP/M.  (You always } wondered why fires never seemed to start too easily....) The bedroom is } often the domain of a little-known, non-disk based operating system } which tends to cause the floors to be intolerably cold. }   How, you might ask, are these systems implemented in such a small } place as a doorknob or cheese grater?  Well, the Oracle, in his magestic } cognizance shall answer!  There are two factors involved here: } Molecular computer engineering, and slow speed.  If you have ever } noticed, attempts to use a cheese grater in time-sharing mode are either } very slow, or very difficult to arrange for.  It is a scientifically } proven fact that should two persons wish to use a cheese grater, at the } same time, conflict will occur and one will have to wait for the other. } This is a result to the crude implementation of UNIX on that item. } Items with a faster operating system like beds and tables tend to be } much better at time-sharing. } }   You owe the Oracle a Ronco Salad Shooter (tm).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Howdy!  I just flew in from DM39845734-123, and I'm sort of new to > Earth.  What knid of advice can you give to a vaguely-humaniod alien, > for living on Earth? >                                    May your Glork always be in tune, >                                             Xaaxxnaisia Clockurg, III

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DM39845734-123 eh?  I love that place.  Do you remember the Xerkon on } 32.5nd avenue near the Mqiq hotel?  I used to spend a lot of time } there with three... umm... never mind.  Suffice it to say that the } Oracle's sex life is not limited to sacrificial virgins. } } Earth can be a very confusing place.  For example, you tear open sugar } bags but not tea bags.  You can buy a compact disc but not a full sized } disc.  A can of bug spray contains no insect parts at all.  A tax } break is a good thing.  People eat cheeze whiz instead of using it as } insulation.  Lawyers are highly paid.  People use a dictionary when } they can't spell a word.  Electronic networks are used primarily to } exchange light bulb jokes and purity tests.  Showers do not have } automatic temperature regulators.  Real people have last names like } Zygmuntowicz and expect other people to remember how to pronounce it. } Latex is a kind of plastic, but LaTeX is a typesetting program.  Air, } heir, and err are pronounced the same. } } In short, humans are crazy.  Don't trust them, and don't eat their } food. } } You owe the Oracle a nice vacation to Alpha Centari.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was::

> Ebble obble oobble oh? > Argh ai k'tagh airf'k k'tec kk't'harhg?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle knows all, sees all. From your question I see you are } wondering perhaps more than a little bit about that extra leg } you have growing out of your shoulder, and why everyone but you } and the dog seems to speak a different language. Luckily you } have chosen to ask me, the omniscient, omnipresent, omniverous } Usenet Oracle. The asnwer to your question is rather simple, but } first I'd like you to complete this little questionaire(for the } viewers at home). } } 1) Do you live downstream from an operating nuclear facility? } 2) Do you close the microwave door before the light comes on and the }    food gets warm? } 3) Is there a large flat area on the top of your head, perhaps from }    a childhood accident? } 4) Is it just a coincidence that your mother's maiden name is the same }    as her married name? } 5) Does the pope shit in the woods? } 6) If changing from straight-line to sum-of-the-years-digits }    depreciation method, what effect will this have on retained earnings? } 7) Does it rotate clockwise or counterclockwise? } 8) Where does it itch? } 9) Do you have access to any lethal weapons? } 10) Is there any reason for you to go on living? } } If you answered the first nine questions, then the answer to the last } one is no. Take the weapon of your choice and promptly do yourself in. } } You owe the Oracle nothing. He is always relieved to rid the world of } horrible genetic disasters.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most-triumphantly wise and powerful and all knowing and stuff, > please answer my most-residential query: > > Yesterday I began a war in residence by emptying a container of garlic > salt into a member-of-the-opposite-sex's popcorn.  She responded by > lacing my most-laboured-over chicken stew with toxic amounts of NaCl. > Should I escalate the war by dragging my neighbors into it?  Should I > appoint a mediator to resolve the conflict?  Or, should I conduct an 11 > day aerial bombardment of the residence that she lives in? > > Oh Oracle most wise, what would the Gipper do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   The Gipper would take a nap.  By the time he woke up, all would have } been forgotten.  This, however, is not YOUR best course of action.  The } Oracle thinks that you ought not to drag your neighbors into it; one } wonders how they would react if they were suddenly to find themselves in } a bucket of garlic-flavored popcorn or a pot of industrially seasoned } chicken stew. } }   You could appoint a mediator.  That's the wimp's way out.  You don't } want her to think you're a wimp, do you?  Of course not.  Bombing her } home would be, the Oracle thinks, just a tad excessive. } }   You want to respond in kind.  This, my friend, is only the beginning } of what will become known as the War of the Four Seasonings.  The Oracle } has forseen that this will be a long and bloody conflict, but that you } will eventually bring your opponent to her knees.  (Once she is on her } knees, only the Oracle knows where things will go from there.)  Your } first move must be to place onion juice in your opponent's mouthwash. } She will retaliate in due thyme, but that shouldn't be a problem for an } old salt like yourself. } }   You owe the Oracle a copy of "Scarborough Fair."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me please O mighty Oracle why we have to do this assignment.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have to do that assignment because the great penguin in the sky has } spoken! }                  . --- . }                /         \ }               |  O  _  O  | }               |  ./   \.  | }               /  `-._.-'  \          "Do this assignment!!!!!!!" }             .' /         \ `. }         .-~.-~/           \~-.~-. }     .-~ ~    |             |    ~ ~-. }     `- .     |             |     . -' }          ~ - |             | - ~ }              \             / }            ___\           /___ }            ~;_  >- . . -<  _i~ }               `'         `' } Now do as you're told! And then the penguin won't get mad and set draggy } on you: }                 ^    ^ }                / \  //\ }  |\___/|      /   \//  .\ }  /O  O  \__  /    //  | \ \           Isn't it amazing what  can  fly } /     /  \/_/    //   |  \  \         past  when  you're  not  doing } @___@'    \/_   //    |   \   \       your assignment as you should }    |       \/_ //     |    \    \     have been doing! }    |        \///      |     \     \ }   _|_ /   )  //       |      \     _\ }  '/,_ _ _/  ( ; -.    |    _ _\.-~        .-~~~^-. }  ,-{        _      `-.|.-~-.           .~         `. }   '/\      /                 ~-. _ .-~      .-~^-.  \ }      `.   {            }                   /      \  \ }    .----~-.\        \-'                 .~         \  `. \^-. }   ///.----..>    c   \             _ -~             `.  ^-`   ^-_ }     ///-._ _ _ _ _ _ _}^ - - - - ~                     ~--,   .-~ } } I wouldn't argue with that one if I were you, otherwise you'll owe the } Oracle one frazzled body!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does man love more than life; > Hate more than death or mortal strife-- >       That which contented man desires, >       The poor have >       The rich require, >       The misers spend, >       The spend-thifts save, >       And all carry to their graves?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Belly button lint.  Let's get real here, the Oracle is for dispensing } answers to life-meaningful questions, not answering contrived (albeit } well-written and harmoniously parsed) riddles.  Get a life, chum. If } you're so hot at poetry (and indeed, from your question to the Oracle it } is clear that you are highly skilled at indentation) then you should be } sending "ask me"s, not "tell me"s and donating your not inconsiderable } abilities to the service of the Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle an inspirational poem addressed to "any soldier".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Marvellously Musty, Mothballed Misanthropic Mental Misfit of Usenet, > > How long should I bake the mixture while I'm making ostrich egg/seaweed > quiche, and should I use just one dash of turpentine or two? I want > George to really like it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} --Excerpt from "Cooking With the Oracle for Fun, Profit, and Revenge"-- } }                    OSTRICH EGG / SEAWEED QUICHE } } 1/6 ostrich egg, slightly beaten } 4 cups assorted Atlantic seaweed } 1 cup Pacific seaweed } 4 oz. Swiss goat's milk cheese } Cinnamon and nutmeg to taste } } In a large bowl, mix half the Atlantic seaweed with the Pacific seaweed } using an electric mixer set at warp factor six. Turn the mixer down to } impulse speed and add in the cheese and spices. Stir the egg in by hand. } Let sit for 3 minutes, 21 seconds. Bake in preheated 350 degree oven for } six hours or until your in-laws arrive. } (Microwave directions: Same as above, but do not preheat microwave. Cook } on medium for 45 seconds or until microwave explodes from the fumes.) } } ----------End of excerpt from Oracle cookbook-------------------------- } } You owe the Oracle a recipe for pie crust made from kelp, otter skins, } and a certain person's caps lock key. DwH

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happens when the teenage mutant ninja turtles grow up???  Will they > be adult mutant ninja turtles???  Will they get real jobs???  And who > actually delivers pizza in the sewers???  How do mutants pay for > pizza???  Please answer and relieve me of this stressful unknowing > feeling!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, the Oracle has seen many questions pondering this and will grant } unto thee the answer to this.  I'll simply see what God has in Store for } them. } } Telnet heaven.com } Heaven.com connected. } login: Oracle } password: } } [1] cd /the_future } [2] cd /tmnj } [3] cat short_term } The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will rise in popularity, in all forms. } Their cartoons will be moved to Saturday mornings where all real } cartoons should be.  Their tour will demand a 2nd album which will be } more popular than New Kids on the Block.  They will continue to climb } the ladder of success. } [4] cat long_term } After riching super-star status and getting older, the turtles will } eventually break up, each to persue their own independent goals. } Michealangelo will marry Penthouse centerfold of April '99 whose } favorite fantasy is to have a man who can't get up off his back. } Rapheal will develop a drug problem and be found dead in his hotel room } after he shoots a television set. For years to come, people will gather } in the sewers on his birthday to pay homage and several rapheal } sightings will occur all over the world.  The rest of the turtles join } the Monkees on tour and live out their life with a mediocre existence. } [5] } Message from God@heaven.com } Since when did YOU care what happened to the Turtles? } } [5] message god@heaven.com } I don't, but some earth fool asked so I might as well answer. Hey, WHo } delivers their pizza's and how do they pay? } } [6] } Message from God@heaven.com } Dominoes, delivers anywhere, in less than 30 minutes.  And they pay with } a credit card they got off a 1-900 number in the middle of the night. } } [6]message god@heaven.com } Thanks, Must Dash, Lisa said there would be something special for me } tonight when I get home. } } [7] exit } Connection closed. } } There's your answer. You owe the Oracle a full set of Teenage Nonja } Mutant turtles action figures.