} All caps, Ms. Doe. Feeling a little pretentious today, maybe???
} Well, let's see what skeletons this young lady has in her closet.
}
} % rlogin CIA
} Login: oracle.priest.tim_the_enchanter
} Password:
}
} *** Welcome to Central Intelligence Agency Mainframe ***
} (type 'awshit' for help)
}
} % ls
} gbush/ dquayle/ known_communists/ Ben_&_Jerry's_flavors/
} cia_emp/ desert_storm/ tricky_dick/ JANE_DOE/
}
} #Hey, look at that, you've got your own directory. First, though, I
} #want to see some of the others.
}
} % cd dquayle
} /gov/CIA/top_secret/dquayle
} % ls
} quayle_jokes.txt MAIL JANE_DOE/
}
} #wow, there's that Doe girl again...
}
} % cat MAIL
} BABYL OPTIONS
} Version: 4.3.2
} Labels: None
}
} 1,answered,,
} Summary Line: 28-Jan jnasand #Re: Mars?
} Return-Path: <jnasand@jplvax.com.nasa.gov>
} Received: from jplvax.com.nasa.gov by millie (4.1/JPL-1.1)
} id <FDE143644@millie>; Mon, 28 Jan 91 14:43:54 EST
} Date: Mon, 28 Jan 91 14:43:54 EST
} From: jnasand@jplvax.com.nasa.gov (Jonas Andersen)
} Message-Id: <4539484847352.FDE142644@millie>
} Received: by millie.com.CIA.gov (5.0/CIA-1.0.5)
} id FDE143644; Mon, 28 Jan 91 14:46:22 EST
} To: dquayle@millie.com.CIA.gov (Dan the Man)
} Subject: Re: Mars?
}
} *** EOOH ***
} Date: Mon, 28 Jan 91 14:43:54 EST
} From: Jonas Andersen (jnasand@jplvax.com.nasa.gov)
} To: Dan the Man (dquayle@millie.com.CIA.gov)
} Subject: Re: Mars?
}
} Dan,
} I'd like to set you straight on a few things about Mars.
} First of all, it is *not* in the same orbit as the earth. It's
} farther away from the sun than we are. Both planets orbit the sun,
} but at different orbital radii. Ok? Secondly, it doesn't have a
} breathable atmosphere. It has a thin layer of carbon dioxide. Plants
} can breathe it, but not people or any other animals. So, it boils
} down to this: if you still want us to send a mission there, we can't
} do it with just the Space Shuttle. Also, we WILL need space suits and
} oxygen tanks. I hope none of this confuses you, but you have to know
} the facts.
} Jonas.
}
} 2,answered,,
} Summary-line: ^C
} *** process killed by user ***
}
} #enough already...
}
} % cd JANE_DOE
} /gov/CIA/top_secret/dquayle/JANE_DOE
} % ls
} Jane1.pic Jane_voice.au
} Jane1.pic play*
} % screenload Jane1.pic
} % screenload Jane2.pic
}
} #I wish you had graphics capabilities on your terminals. Someone
} #scanned in pictures that, well, let's just say that the oracle could
} #really use a *cold* shower.
}
} % play Jane_voice.au
}
} #Kathleen Turner has nothing on this Doe girl...
} #The oracle would like to make these part of his permanent collection.
}
} % copy *.* ~/fun_stuff/pictures/nasty_pics
} *Process Done*
}
} #I just hope Lisa never finds out about this directory.
}
} % cd ..
} /gov/CIA/top_secret
} % cd JANE_DOE
} /gov/CIA/top_secret/JANE_DOE
} % ls
} Vital_Stats/ REALLY_Vital_Stats/ Closet/
} % cd Closet
} /gov/CIA/top_secret/JANE_DOE/Closet
} % ls
} Skeletons
}
} #I knew it. She does have skeletons in her closet!
}
} % cat Skeletons
} Skeletons: Permission denied
}
} #DENIED!!! I'm the Oracle. Ok, we'll fix this.
}
} % ls -l
} total 25632
} -rw------- 1 JANE_DOE 25632 Jan 31 22:09 Skeletons
} % chmod 646 Skeletons
} % ls -l
} total 25632
} -rw-r--rw- 1 JANE_DOE 25632 Feb 2 15:02 Skeletons
}
} #Great. Now I've got read and write capabilities.
}
} % cat Skeletons
} (Out of a possible *****)
}
} Andersen, Jonas: **
} Anthony, Edward: *
} Barger, Howard: *
} Berry, Chuck: ***
} Gougher, Robert: ****
} Hudson, Jim: *
} Jones, Ken: ***
} Kinzler, Steve: *****
} Kisler, Kevin: ***
} Meade, Timothy: ****
} Phennegar, Steve: *
} Quayle, Dan: 1/2*
} Swank, Stephen: *
} Taylor, Mooch: **
}
} #Uh, oh. It looks like Jane has some incriminating evidence of
} #the Oracle's extra-oracular activities. Better get rid of this file...
}
} % delete Skeletons
} % ls
} % cd ..
} /gov/CIA/top_secret/JANE_DOE
} % ls
} % rmdir Closet
} % ls
} Vital_Stats/ REALLY_Vital_Stats/
}
} #whew, that could've been extremely ugly
} #Vital_Stats sounds boring, so we'll go elsewhere
}
} msg from "Dan the Man" (dquayle@millie)
} >Hey oracle, whadaya know?
} >I saw that you were in Jane's Closet directory. Hey, could you
} >fill me in on a few things. How did she rate me? I've never been
} >able to get in there. There's something else, too. I have to go to
} >Costa Rica next week. It's in Latin America, so I was wondering how
} >to say "Greetings, Mr. President," in Latin.
} >DQ
}
} % write dquayle
} >Dan--
} >Jane said that you were phenomenal. About your trip, it's a
} >simple phrase to remember, "Mea culpa." Ok, big guy?
} >--Oracle
} >You owe the oracle access to all your picture files.
}
} #back to business
}
} % cd REALLY_Vital_Stats
} /gov/CIA/top_secret/JANE_DOE/REALLY_Vital_Stats
} % ls
} sex.txt other.txt
} % cat sex.txt
} Yes. What else do you need to know?
} % cat other.txt
} Jane Doe is a complex character. By that, I mean she's made
} up of real and imaginary parts. It turns out that every human being
} is a complex character of the form a + bi (where a and b are real
} numbers, and i is the square root of -1). Jane's particular
} coefficients are:
} a=64.34322778402848675482
} b=42
} Psychologists have found that the a coefficient is a function
} of many psychological and physical properties of the individual. A
} rule of thumb is that the a coefficient for type A individuals is
} generally above 50. Other types tend to have a lower a value.
} The b value was a complete mystery until the publication of
} "Razionale fuer die Eigenfunktionnatur des B-Value und seine
} Konnektionen mit Genealogie" by Dr. Gerhardt Schwanzkopfchen. The
} mathematics is deep, but Dr. Schwanzkophchen showed that the b-value
} was essentially a one-dimensional manifold of an eigenvector which
} depended not only upon the same properties as 'a', but also upon the
} 'a' and 'b' values of the individual's ancestry. Despite great
} improbability, this value turns out to be strikingly similar for all
} human beings. A statistical study has showed that the 'b' value for
} all humans, living and deceased is exactly 42 to 150,000 decimal
} points.
} With this brief introduction out of the way, we can get back
} to our study of DOE, JANE. The 64 indicates that she is
} marginally Type A. The three in the tenths place tells us that she
} has a fetish for love triangles. The 4 and 3 in the hundreths and
} thousandths place show that she has watched the Pilot for Twin Peaks
} a sum total of seven times, four times with commercials, three times
} with the commercials edited out. Next we notice double 2's and double
} 7's this indicates an extremely strong liking of prime numbers. This
} 2277 characteristic has been found in such mathematicians as Gauss,
} Euler, and Paul Dirac. We would not be the least surprised if J.
} Doe were a mathematics major. The next two digits are 8 and 4.
} These represent the relative likes of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, as
} opposed to SealTest ice cream. It appears that both kinds appeal to
} Ms. Doe, but that she likes Ben & Jerry's twice as much as
} SealTest (and who can blame her?). The next set of digits is known as
} a Lagrangian Romance Integral Evaluation. We see that, in her
} lifetime, she has dated 0 physics majors, 2 engineers, 8 poly-sci
} majors, and possibly 4 economics majors. We cannot be certain of the
} last digit in the lagrangian, as recent studies have indicated that
} "undecided" or "liberal arts" sometimes appear under the integrand.
} The last digits 7 are musically related. They show that her favorite
} song in 1983 was 867-5309, but that she's since forgotten the last
} three digits of it when she sings in the shower.
} %logout
}
} *** Have a nice day :-) ***
}
} There, all you've ever wanted to know about
} DOE, JANE
} Student
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