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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why won't my EM or LDU talk to me on the RS-232 line?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah.  Hmm.  the oracle sees that you are in need of great help, and so } gladly answers you question.  First of all for all, we must clairify the } term you have used in your question.  You EM, or Electronic Mother, and } LDU Latent Daughter Ursula will not talk to you over the RS-232 line.  A } terrible occurance and the Oracle is glad it's not you.  There are } several things you can do to remedy the situation: } }       EM (Electronic Mother): Have you sent your Mother any Flowers }       lately? Or Candy? Or a EMD Card? (Electronic Mother's Day Card) }       Perhaps if you would write her mor often, things would be better }       you you. The Oracle writes it's Mother twice a week, and sends }       EF's (Electronic Flowers) every now and then. If this fixes the }       problem, fine. However, the Oracle knows how touch these kind of }       situations can be and sometime take forever to work out. But just }       you think how life would be without your E-Ma around. Snif. } }       LDU (Latent Daughter Ursula): Tsk Tsk Tsk. This is simply a case }       of misguided parenthood. The Oracle knows LDU, or "Leedew" as a }       nickname, rather well, and has seen what you have done to this }       person. LDU eloped with PHB, (Punk Head Biff) and they have gone }       to live in New Jersey, a place where RS-232 lines are looked upon }       with disgust. If it you haddn't treated her with such callous non }       understanding Things might be different. I ofter heard her say }       that you treated her like a computer part. The Oracle is disgusted }       by your treatment of Lewdee, and suggest you seek professional }       help.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Why are the New Kids on the block?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   It is very difficult to answer this question as I'm not sure what } 'block' they are refering to.  Thus, I polled the public at large for } what they thought and here are the results: } }               A city block: 2% }               Alphabet block: 7% }               Disk Block: 15% }               "Brick" block: 5% }               Writer's Block: 9% }               Chopping Block: 62% } }   Obviously, the answer is "Chopping Block".  Now back to your question. } }   It would seem that the New Kids are so despised by the general public, } that they are on the Chopping Block to be removed from society, but they } requested that they be allowed to do a song-and-dance number before they } die, and someone in the audience thought that they had potential.  Thus, } they were saved, and are now constantly doing Pepsi commercials in the } hope that the same thing that happened to Micheal Jackson will happen to } them. } }   Officials are concerned that this isn't happening because they don't } have enough soul.  Their promoter has scheduled them all for a soul } transplant with the doner being Mr. Rogers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is not dead which can eternal lie, > While with strange aeons, even death may die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Were I corporeal your audacity would compel me to flatulate. } } A riddle, then: } >What is not dead which can eternal lie, } >While with strange aeons, even death may die? } } Why of course you refer to the two species of the immortalae } indestructis family, the cockroach (cucaracha immortalae indestructis) } and the twinkie (fluffae immortalae indestructis).  Both have } demonstrated the ability to survive bombardment of microwaves, digestion } and nuclear explosion.  It is strongly suspected that the indestructis } family will provide the genetic basis for post-nuclear lineage, the } cocatwinkies (similar in appearance to Willard Scott) and the } twinkroaches (resembling Zsa Zsa Gabor).  Speculation as to the } offspring of cocatwinkies and twinkroaches has significantly contributed } to further debate of euthanasia and several bomb threats at the Today } Show Studio.  Bryant Gumbel was questioned and released. } } You owe the oracle one roach motel and a box of twinkies, frozen please.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey! I just found out this Oracle thing is a fake! The way I > found out is, I sent "him" a question, but instead of a response > I got a question to answer. I innocently answered it, and Lo! > and Behold! my answer showed up a couple of days later in > the Oracularities. It's all a fake, people! Wise up! Why has > no one noticed this sham before I did? (P.S., my pretend > answer got the highest rating seen in the last 6 weeks. > Shows how creative the fake Oracle usually is, eh?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not a fake.  When you answered the question, your mind, body, and } very soul were possessed and controlled by the Oracle.  You _thought_ } that you came up with the answer yourself, but actually you were only } the medium by which the Oracle communicated your answer to the rest of } the world. } } You see, the Oracle doesn't really have an Oracular Temple or anything } like that, or a private residence with a nubile Lisa in it.  It follows } messages along the Net, and takes control of anybody answering a } question.  It shows admirable restraint in what It does when it } possesses a mortal -- though occassionally when It is in control of an } unusually attractive person of either sex it will take over and take Its } borrowed body and mind on a wild sex spree or the like. } } You owe the Oracle...well, just get that cute redhead over there to } answer a question, the Oracle will take control, and for a while } afterwards the Oracle will return the favor by making her act } somewhat...well, more amorous towards you.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Great One, >       I beg of thee, sitting here on my knees as I am, that thee >       answer for me a question, a question that has plagued my >       poor, imprisoned mind for eons: > >       Why is it that, while playing with mud, children of effeminate >       men named Zebra or Slash tend to find that the tingling feeling >       they experience in their shoe-laces is little more than the >       escaping of tiny artichoke hearts, born there for the sole purpose >       of wiping from the face of the planet all those pink-spotted >       bibles, particularly the ones with the great, goloptuous, >       frog-testicle-scented art students spewing forth from them? > > Follow-up question: > >       Is it possible for said children, while smearing the pebbly, >       puce mud on their heaving faces, to project onto their >       now-empty, grey, squishy eggshells, the image of a fat, >       voluptuous, CIFer sitting at a terminal, shaking the Russian >       dressing from her thigh, and trying to scrape from between her >       toes the crusted, putrid remains of the small purple kitten's left >       nostril that was to be left there three weeks later? > >                                       With my head bowed and my knees >                                       scabby from dragging them on the >                                       cold ground beneath me while >                                       praying to Your Holiness, and a >                                       slightly eerie feeling, the likes >                                       of which often accompanies a >                                       slightly rotten egg-salad >                                       sandwich, > >                                                               bagWan

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} These children have second sight, my friend, and they can readily } percieve that the artichoke hearts must exist to control the population } of the spotted bibles with spew forth the art students.  If there were } no artichoke hearts to carry forth this mission, the entire world would } pay homage to Jim and Tammy, and send forth their children's college } funds, and the world would sink into mindless oblivion.  Woe to he who } would eat an artichoke heart!  These children are special, and will use } their mud to fill the swimming pools of the unrighteous. } } To your second question, the answer is:  No.  Why the fuck would they do } that? }     Maybe playmate of the month, but not the fat chick! } } You owe the Oracle the name of your supplier, that must be some GOOD } shit!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Jenny, you're so pretty!  How did you get that way?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has had herself Jennified by the Indiana Jennification } Service!  For a reasonable fee, you too can be a Jennifer, complete } with Jenneric wardrobe and a great set of Jennitalia! } } So why not be inJennuous? } } Jennifer the Oracle

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, impressive Oracle, > may I use you as a job reference?  Furthermore, can > you give me a letter of recommendation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No problemo. } } ------------------------CUT-HERE---------------------------- } }                               O. R. Acle }                               38th of Cunegonde }                               10 Hauser Gates }                               Vax, Indiana } } Dear Prospective Employer, } }       My good friend has asked me to write a reference. }     Allow me to catalog some of his traits. } }     Accomplishments: }       He almost wrote some audit code }       and likely finished link and load; }       he vectorized a vacant node }       and added awk to emacs mode. } }     Work Habits: }       He staggers in when steers come home; }       across the net his curses roam; }       he calls his games his kiln and loam; }       he whiles work with wine and poem. } }     Interpersonal Skills: }         Competitive, with playful jests, }       like purging root in partners' nests; }       he treats his team like trampled pests }       and often ogles ample breasts. } }     Grooming: }       He grooms with grace like grunting pig; }       the lice are dead below his wig, }       the fungus trimmed where fingers dig; }       his sores are few and seldom big. } }     Humor: }       What wonderous wit this wimp might show }       akin to Larry, Curly, Moe, }       if ere he enters early flow }       with shirt aligned and shoes aglow. } }                               Sincerely, }                               (signed) Oscar Romeo Acle } } } P.S. You owe your good pal Oscar a second rhyming dictionary for the } office.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [Jan 15, 1991] > Any second now the world as we know it is going to end. How may I wisely > employ these my last hours on this earth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I see, oh puny one, that you have taken the first step correctly merely } by chance, that of approaching my magnificence.  You see, I know the } ultimate method of salvation--of all the worms on earth, I foresee that } only you will receive your just reward. } First, listen to Ravel's _Bolero_ 100 times.  No more, no less (I } recommend a Deustsche Grammophon recording).  Then write an essay } comparing and contrasting Metallica's _Jump in the Fire_ and _Bolero_ } and staple it to a cat.  Take the cat and feed it Kitty Friskies until } it explodes.  Take the bloodstained essay and burn it, inhaling the } odiferous fumes.  By now the end of the world is approaching, and you'll } be tripping so radically that you won't even notice.  When the little } purple things stop crawling over your stereo, it is time to jump in the } fire I have assumed you have set, humming Bolero all the while. } Naturally you will erupt in a pillar of flame and emerge into my } presence, where you shall become my high priest...hello?  hello?  Damn, } happens every time.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is the richest person who posts to Usenet newsgroups?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Donald, Donald, Donald.  Shame on you. } } Surely, you realize that you already know the answer to your question. } If you merely click your mouse button three times upon the "From:" line } of this mailing, while repeating "There's no place like home," you will } realize that of course it is me, the great Oracle who is the richest } person who posts to Usenet newsgroups.  Please read alt.humor.oracle } for a demonstration of my rich wit, charm and wisdom.  Next time Mr. } Trump, please try to avoid using me as your own magic mirror or you } might just get some really disappointing news regarding Merv and } Ivanna.  Have a nice day, you egotistical cretin. } } You owe the oracle a comp at the Taj.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As you so rightfully predicted, here's the haiku: > > Mighty Oracle, > tell me how to defrost my > refrigerator. > > We aim to please...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is omniscient.  That doesn't mean, unfortunately, that it is } infallible.  Sometimes, the Oracle is just STUUUUUPID.  This makes 5,643 } **DIFFERENT** haiku asking how to defrost a refrigerator.  The Oracle } has to supply a different, creative answer to each one.  And this one is } the least inspired of them all.  Haiku are supposed to have layers of } meaning and deep, natural symbolism.  Feh.  Having answered the first } 5,642 with haiku about how to defrost the refrigerator, the Oracle has } decided to branch off to something different. } } A graduate student of Science } With a malfunctioning major appliance } Could not read instructions } Or make simple deductions } And had lost all of his self-reliance. } } His freezer was not self-defrosting } And the gathering icepack was costing } Him the work of three years: } Frozen pizzas and beers. } To go shopping was MUCH too exhausting. } } He foresaw his demise from starvation, } Then he suddenly found inspiration: } "The Oracle knows } How to banish ice floes! } I shall tell it the whole situation!" } } "O Oracle!" the grad student said } "Can you save me from what I most dread?" } Help me conquer the frost! } I care naught for the cost!!" } The answer came back, and it read: } } "There's an answer; the Oracle knows it: } Crawl into your icebox and close it. } The heat your producin' } Will make the ice loosen. } If your genitals freeze - well, so goes it!" } } The Oracle always replies } To the questions that come to Its eyes } But there's always a price } For Its Holy advice: } You owe It two large pizza pies. } } With mushrooms and extra cheese.