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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I think the > lure was just too strong.  You were attracted to Malachie, weren't > you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, until she revealed her true form.  She lured me into her hut deep } in the forest, and bathed me in a rich bath scented with rose petals. } Then she let down her long, red-gold hair and let her rich, } cloth-of-gold robe slip off of her body.  She was flawlessly beautiful, } with hard, firm breasts like large ripe apples, the sinuous waist of a } serpent, and generous, welcoming hips.  Her face seemed to grow lovelier } by the moment.  It was too much and I seized her and we made love like } weasels struck with madness.  At the point of climax a horrid cackling } laugh emerged from her ruby lips, and her sweet breath became foul, and } her perfect skin became loose on her body and slits opened in it.  She } pulled off her face and scalp to reveal a hideous old hag!  "Do you love } me now, silly boy?" she cackled, hideous hag that she had become.  The } unemptied tub, I noticed, was full of foul, stinking ditch-water, and } the cloth-of gold robe had grown dull and tattered.  "I will bear your } child now," cackled the hag. } } You owe the Oracle a course in writing cheap fantasy fiction, and } another in f**king enthralled foolish young women at SF&F conventions.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *** Oracle TimeWaster Filter Version 6.66 Patchlevel 42 } You have asked one of the five most often asked questions, and will } therefore be answered by this program. The answer will be completely } personalized and not differ at all from what the real Oracle would } have written. And if it does differ, it will certainly be much better, } considering how much time the Oracle spends drinking, smoking } questionable substances and in bed with Lisa. If you just knew what } state he usually is in when answering questions, you'd never write to } him again. If you could just see him squinting at the monitor with his } bloodshot eyes, vainly trying to hit the right key. Sometimes the } spellchecking daemon more or less *writes* the answers for him. } And does the Oracle thank Spelly for his work? Noo sire! He just yells } at him, accusing him of "destroying the aesthetics and sublimity of } his text"! Sublimity my ass, gibberish is what I'd call it. } Oh, anyway, here's your answer: } } Because she's allergic to roses. And it's not that bad, really, she's } still quite fond of you. Try chocolate next time.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's a bone-headed slime puppy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A bone-headed slime puppy is the evil arch enemy of the Happy-go-lucky } Furry Bunny, and tends to attack the bunnies whenever possible.  The } only historical refrence to the slime puppy is that it's the animal who } finally killed and ate "Jim" from Mutual of Omaha.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omniscient and slightly secure Oracle, master of all holiness, I > abase myself in the face of your Ninja wisdom.  How is it that great > warriors catch bullets in their teeth and spit them back?  How might I > learn this great art?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The art of catching bullets requires many years of rigerous study, } incredible reflexes and major stupidity.  But the Oracle see that you } are stedfast on you course of action and will suggest a exercise program } for you. } }       #1 Start out with Daily Teeth warmups. Get up, and go through a }       few boxes of Honeycomb ceral, no milk. This will get your }       teeth ready for their morning exercise. } }       #2. Go out for a walk. As you are walking, keep you eyes open }       for extremely hard objects (steel girders, telephone stablizer }       wires, stop signs, etc) and run over to them, and sink your teeth }       in them as few times each. Find at least five objects and do }       the "muchies" on each object 20 times. If you start to lose }       teeth, keep going. This is normal. Use them for a key chain }       or something. As summer comes, try to catch flies in your teeth }       as they buzz past you. This will become easier and easier. } }       #3 Have a Fello Ninja throw a bullet toward you that you catch, }       increasingly harder and harder. Mond the bullet doesn't hit your }       face, in fact for exercise- hit you face aaginst a stone wall }       for a few hours to toughen it up. } }       #4 You are now ready for the big test. Get a gun. A bullet. Might }       as well take a sig or two of wiskey. It might help. Have the }       Fellow Ninja Point the gun, and shoot. Imagine the bullet as a }       tasty snack that's flying at you at over a mile a second and you }       need to bit it with you teeth. At this poit several things should }       be happening: The bullet should be moving, you should be opening }       oyur mouth, and watching the bullet.Get ready. Here it comes. }       MUNCH! Congratulations. You have caught the bullet. } } You owe be Orakle a new seft of teeft anf a tube of Toofpastefh.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, what happened? > > I hit "r" to reply to the question I was to answer, and then the > cursor changed from a filled rectangle to just a frame.  I could > actually see the letter under it. > > When I finished and sent the reply, it changed back. > > What does this mean?  It's never happened before.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, one of several things may have happened.  I could tell you which, } but then if it happened again you'd ask Me again, so I'll tell you how } to judge for yourself. } } 1) You were temporarily taken over by the true spirit of the Oracle, } that's Me, which granted you penetrating wisdom and sight for the } duration of your answer.  You know this happened if you wrote a really } witty answer and ended with:"You owe the Oracle a dozen buxom babes and } a Lambourgini." } } 2) You were temporarily taken over by the spirit of the Oracle's } Nemesis, Ralph, the AntiOracle of Uselessnet.  You know this happened if } you wrote a twitly reply which ended with:"You owe the Oracle a punch in } the eye, a gallon of cod liver oil and an EMP from a tactical nuke } detonated within a mile of iuvax." } } 3) You were taken over by the spirit of Clearasil.  You know this } happened if you wrote a clearheaded, err, clear-faced reply to an } unctious question and ended with:"The Oracle requires you to picket } Oxy-5 retailers." } } 4) You were taken over by the spirit of Superman, whose x-ray vision let } you see through the cursor.  (That was a reality check -- if you really } think you might have been taken over by Superman, it's time to resume } councelling.) } } 5) You were taken over by the spirit of Unix, which allowed you to see } into the depths of your machine.  You know this happened if in the } course of your reply, you had to detonate several PC's. } } 6) You were taken over by the spirit of optometry, who wanted you to } know how much more you COULD see if you changed your bottle bottoms for } real glasses.  This is probably the case if your bottle bottoms are so } scratched that you can no longer clearly read the trademark. } } You owe the Oracle a cold shower:  those winking cursors really excite } Me.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> since you seem to be the hippest creature in the universe, > please tell me, what is the best drink at all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has noticed that you humans often have several favorite } drinks and will not attempt to sort out the best one from your sorrid } bunch.  However, the Oracle does indulge in a bit of AC power now and } then, so will offer these favorites, from which you may choose your own } best drink. } }       "The Shocker" is a mixed drink, made with vodka, gin, everclear }       and a bit of lime grenadine in a Tom Collins glass, which is }       then hooked up to a small generator. As you drink, the generator }       sends a current through your body, giving you a bit of "afterglow" }       effect. Also known as "The Ben Franklin". } }       "The Koozbane Bash" is made with an assortment of heavy spirits, }       including, brandy, port, whiskey and sherry, which are then sent }       through a particle accelerator, causing the drink to break up into }       it's sub atomic make up. The remaining atomic parts are put into a }       small lead-lined container which the person ordering the drink }       swallows. This drink always has very unusual effects and has the }       distinction of being the most expensive drink on the planet, at a }       prince of 2.5 Billion a shot. Bottoms up. } }       "The Anaconda Enema" is a drink best not ordered in mixed company. } }       "The Butt Dance" is a drink that moves very quickly to your hind }       quarters and begins to vibrate them at serveral beats per second. }       Good for Dancing and mooning people afterward, please do not }       order at a Trucker's stop. } }       "The Meldown" Offers people of the Nuclear age the chance to }       really find out what the waste products taste like. Be warned, }       this drink is not for those who want to remeber anything the mext }       morning. } }       "The EyeVee" is just what is sounds like. The drink is poured into }       a IV bottle and stuck into your arm. Vodka, Everclear and O+ and }       plasma go into this one. Best taken while lying down. } } You owe the Oracle a dry martini, stirred not shaken. Hic!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We hear a lot about the Baathist Party in Iraq -- the socialist party > headed by Saddam Hussein.  What about the rival Shoowerist Party?  Are > these parties being hurt by shortages of fresh water in Iraq thanks to > the heavy Coalition bombing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An insightful question, ye who thirsts for knowledge! } } There is little known among the populace regarding Saddam's baathing } habits.  The Oracle, however, is personally privy to the fact that Mr. } Hussein is indeed the forefather of a particular Vogon Leader of the } future with a particular affinity for baaths.  The Shoowerist Party is, } as you have aptly pointed out, knee-deep in the Baathist Hoopla insofar } as local civil warfare goes; however, not being perfect (as is the } Oracle), you incorrectly assumed something as obvious as a shortage of } fresh water would influence these conflagrations.  In reality, the odds } favoring the Baathist Party are being slowly but most assuredly tipped } not by Coalition Bombing resulting in water shortage, but rather another } shortage altogether.  The war effort in this region has resulted in vast } amounts of hemp being confiscated for naval supplies, and, thus, the } supply of soap-on-a-rope has dwindled to nearly nothing for the } Shoowerist Party, crippling their morale and causing much dissention } among their usually tight-knit ranks. } } So speaketh the Oracle! } } You owe the Oracle one BeeGee's Soap-on-a-Rope Gift Set.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greetings,Oracle. > I am a multi-millionair philanthropist.  I have started a secret > campaign to fight crime and injustice.  This all started when my parents > were killed one night in a dark Gotham Alley.  From that day forth I > pledged to fight crime.  I said,"What would strike fear and terror in > the minds of the criminal element?" Naturally,i realized, an aardvark > would!  So I started my career as Aardvark-Man, Riding out from the > Aardvark Burrow in my Aardvark-Mobile to battle injustice. > However,instead of quivering with fear when they see my "Human-Aarvark" > costume, criminals burst out LAUGHING!!!!  Where did I go wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Clearly you aren't insane enough.  Try going batty.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> And how about this guy Oplaz Fongoldnu?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, HOW about him!?? } } Oplaz Fongoldnu was a poor pheasant framer in Cuba just before the } revolution.  NO, he wasn't a poor PEASANT FARMER, nor a poor PHEASANT } FARMER, he was a poor PHEASANT FRAMER!  He framed poor pheasants! } Actually, he was quite rich, since we all know how much the Cuban people } love their Poor Framed Pheasants!  When the revolution came about, he } joined Che and Fidel, and overthrew the Poor-Framed-Pheasant haters, } and joined the Glorious Revolution of the Poor-Pheasant Framers } (GROTPPF).  Fidel soon became weary of Oplaz and his framing ways, and } had poor Oplaz shot, and fed to the peasants (to the PEASANTS, not the } PHEASANTS).  Fidel then converted over to Communism, and requested aid } from the Soviet Union.  The rest is history!  So, when you see a Poor } Framed Pheasant in your local Cuban-American store, please bow your head } in remembrance of Oplaz Fongoldnu, and the wonderful } Poor-Pheasant-Framing work he did, and the loss that we all now suffer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I wake up tomorrow and my cat tells me that the world is coming to an > end and that he hasn't finished cooking my breakfast yet, should I, > >         1.  Believe him and hastiliy sell everything I own >                 (except for my Elvis paintings of course) > >         2.  Beat him harshly for not having my breakfast ready, or > >         3.  Eat the cat and hop the first ship to Orgasmatron >                 (planet of everwilling and well-oiled temtresses)? > >                                         Alfonzo Cliehopper >                                           -Bellevue

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is always ready to help those who seek professional help in } any manner.  Cats, are at best a strange bunch of creatures.  It's } impossible to tell what they'll do next.  The best thing to do in any } situation with a cat is:BE ON YOUR GUARD.  In your situation, there are } several things I might try: } }       #1 You cat is talking to you. This is a good sign in the }       larger picture of things, as communication has not been }       achived yet. You should carefully ask your cat why they }       haven't finished breakfast (i.e, was the stove broken, }       did they pee on the bread, etc.) and try to keep the }       the conversation light. If the Cat continues to talk, }       Take it to the nearest research lab and six months later }       collect your Nobel Prize for Efforts in Communication. }       If the would ends after that, so what? You got your Prize. } }       #2 Wake up. You having a bad dream from all that Jello you }       inhaled last night. } }       #3 Smile. Inform your cat you don't want to eat breakfast }       today, as you have to head toward the nearest Enquirer }       office and have your name sensationalized all over the world }       for having a talking cat. Ask the cat if it would mind }       posing for a few publicity photos. } }       #4. Assume the cat is from Outer Space and has come to eat }       you brain for breakfast, and the only reason he hasn't finished }       cooking yet is beacuse you're the main dish. Scream and beat }       the cat into pulp with the baseball bat you keep by you bed }       for such occasions. If you don't have a bat, Bon appetit. } }       #5 Assume that the cat is a Propet or a Prohet or even a Prophet, }       and the world is about to }       end, perhaps even in seconds. Say a prayer in every religon or }       religin or even religion that }       you can think of and you should be alright. Say hello to Jimmy }       Hoffa for the Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle a plate of Eggs, Toast, Juice, and a Furball.