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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How big is the swing at Leuton?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} oh, the swing at leuton!  so very big the swing.  always the dancing. } always the dringing!  always the swapping of wives and husbands.  so } very big the swing!  the lechery, such a dreadful swing.  at leuton } usually there four or five couples in each class all sleeping with each } other, in back of classroom.  sometime the whole class sleep together. } sometime the professor cancel the class for to sleep with them. } (sometime the whole class fall to sleep, but this from the professor not } from the swing.) very bad the swing at leuton.  always the vernerial } disease given to married people.  always the condom shortate at the } leuton, but never the condom shortage stop the swing. } } that is the swing at leuton. } } you are for to owe the oracle a years supply of the contraceptive

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just saw an advertisement saying that St.  Francis of Assisi loves > Apple-Fs -- the terrible lettuce flavored snack.  Why St.  Francis?  Why > are they called Apple-F's if they're lettuce flavored?  Why are they > called "terrible"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    There ae several reasons for this, none of which I will reveal to } you.  If you were to truly understand the answer to this question, it } would begin a long chain of events, delicately balanced, which will } result in the end of 1997 coming 32 seconds early, the crust of the } Earth shrinking by 1.7% by 2004, a new volcanic circle springing up } which intersects Macchu Picchu and Hell, Norway, the eventual re-rise of } Atlantis, the reactivation by an obscure but brilliant archaeologist of } an Atlantean subspace signaler, the arrival in 2065 of a part of the } Chalub fleet which fled Earth ago, their extreme anger when they } determine that there are no stranded Atlanteans to rescue (the Chalub } government subsidizes rescues like you wouldn't believe), an enormous } conflict between the forces of Earth and the forces of Chalub, after } which the Chalub fleet leaves, but which unifies Earth into one signle } nation and also massively disrupts the ionosphere (those MPL cannon have } to be seen to be believed), following which the Usenet is simultaneously } made unneccesary and impossible, following which I (the Usenet Oracle) } will cease to exist.  It is obviously in my better interests not to } answer your question. } }    A hint, though:  it has to do with an inscription on one of the } support beams for the southern bridge of the Peltor mesa's } fortifications. } }     (I live dangerously...)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come you went to University of the bottom of the sea and don't know > that you hope that Normal Rockwell just bit my slug?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    As usual, the failing is in your mind, Mortal, not mine.  My mind is } infallible.  (Other parts of me, on the other hand...  but let's not } discuss that, shall we.) To be completely truthful for once, the real } message that was being telepathically beamed into your brain from a } small group of pattern-recognition reasearchers along the 47th parallel } went as follows: } }   "Let not the sins of the ocean muddle your perceptions, nor the }    fluted columns of true Understanding. In the deepest tarpits of }    footwear lie enormous appetites for universal acclaim, and }    always for perfection in harmonic motion." } }   There is reason to believe the pattern-recognition reserchers had by a } variety of chemical means succeeded in removing all traces of pattern } fron their own consciousnesses. } }   You owe the Oracle three feet of dark thread, a Ritz cracker and a } Z80-H.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Didn't you realize that Johnny Carson was rightist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I did!  I'm the Oracle.  Did you also know that if you read } the bottom of the colorful pamphlet that comes with each of Ed McMahan's } sweepstakes offers, it implies that by not objecting to receiving this } mail every 6 months you are supporting the rightist political movements } that both he and Carson are campaigning to put through congress? } } Read your mail more carefully next time. } } You owe the Oracle a leftist.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> orc How can you ask me so abstractly for a drink?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is quite easy.  If one wishes to ask for a drink all one has to do is } mention water.  The reference to water is clearly saying that that is on } one's mind, ie.  thirst.  But this may seem too blunt, so one must take } it one step further.  Water is made up of three atoms.  (pure water that } is).  Two hydrogen and one oxygen.  The mention of chemistry is a good } way to give this hint, however this may be misconstrued to be asking for } sex.  So the topic of air pollution may be brought up to hint about the } oxygen in water, refering to the idea of a liquid, asking for a drink. } However, we once again have the problem that this too may be } misconstrued.  If you talk about air pollution, you will be considered a } liberal.  If you are a liberal you would have no problem going against } the old fashion rule of not being blunt.  So the best way to ask } abstractly for a drink is to just walk up to someone and say "Hydrogen"!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am having a hard time finding a girlfriend.  Why do women play hard to > get?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Women don't play hard to get.  Only men trained in some ridiculous macho } stupidities think that they do.  Women tell you what they want.  Believe } it.  Take them at their word.  Treat them like humans.  Then maybe } you'll find a girlfriend.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why doesn't C support string primitives?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} c not support the string primitives?  c has the very very string } primitives.  so string the c primitives, so very primitives!  too } primitives are the c to have the concatenation operator, the length } operator, the other simplemost operators in the c.  so very primitive, } so very c has support the string primitivies!  the very stupid } null-begin-ended string, so much the primitive, so difficult for the } understanding, so hard for the relocation, so much support the string } for the relocation troubles, the varying length troubles.  very much c } support the string primitives. } } now you are for to owe the oracle the intelligent question.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How STUPID do the Tv advertiser think we are?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The TV advertiser aims at a mental age of about 6-8 weeks.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How is it that with 2.5 billion people of both sexes wondering the world > looking for a relationship with another person, there are so many lonely > people who are without a relationship?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because there is a big powerful Maxwell-style demon keeping the males } apart from the females.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oy veh!  Gilda Radnor didn't say the koala bear is the symbol of Harvard > -- I read it in Two-Fisted Detective Stories.  But why does everyone > around me seem to think she said it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gilda Radnor read this question.  Gilda Radnor was confused.  The koala } bear read this question.  The koala bear started hunting Two-Fisted } Detectives.  The Oracle read this question.  The Oracle was enlighted. } The Oracle's friend read this answer.  The friend laughed.