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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As I see it, the world we live in is a strange, absurd, and nonsensical > place.  O Great Oracle, can you make any sense out of it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is a sense to IT ALL, and the Oracle can comprehend it. } } Every being, every particle, every marshmallow, from the greatest } dandelions of them all, right down to the president of Sony Corporation, } has a role in creation; whether it be merely to stand upon street } corners in Cleveland, handing out fundamentalist Christian literature, } or to fry spoiled cabbage someplace in your apartment complex, all } things work together and all things are one.  Of course, some things are } more one than others.  But just look at the coffee stains at the bottom } of your mug:  Doesn't THAT explain it?  And consider the birds in the } trees!  Even the haughty IBM Selectric Typewriter, or Donny Osmund - } well, maybe NOT Donny Osmund, but you get my point - all of us: } animate, inert, Presbyterian, all have a thing to do, a why, a } wherefore, a what's-it-all-about-Alfie!!  Try this:  Take a piece of } paper, and on one side, write the words "Flexible straws shall save us } all." Now fold it up, with the words on the inside, and put in under a } book.  Think about the intricate inter-relationships between your seat } cushion, the guy who tried to sideswipe you this morning on the way to } work, and the last time you had a REALLY good hamburger.  Don't you see } it now? } } Oh, never mind. } } You owe the Oracle a question so complex that even He can't answer it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle most wise, whose T-shirt slogans are always both amusing and > topical: > > What sorts of oracularities are most likely to be posted on > alt.humor.oracle?  I've been churning out the goods for a week now, and > have yet to gain recognition.  Now some friend of mine managed to get a > question printed.  If I can't get an answer printed, and soon, I'll > never be able to live it down.  So what should I do?  Demand more > tribute, mention the flattery, make lacsiv...  lascivious... > laschiviou...  uhm, improper remarks about Lisa?] > > Seeking Fame in San Francisco

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...  let me look back into your file and see what sort of } submissions you have been generating as an incarnation of Yours Truly. } } (shuffle, shuffle) } } (giggle) } } (shuffle, shuffle) } } (chortle) } } (shuffle, shuffle) } } (gafaw, gasp, choke, wheeze) } } My, but these have been excellent!!  It is a shame that such humor } hasn't been able to be seen by all... } } You realize, of course, that a select group of people have been inducted } into the Sacred Society known as the Oracle Priesthood (in fact, THIS } incarnation of the Oracle is a member of said group).  These individuals } have the most awesome and incredible responsibility of selecting, from } the millions and millions of Oracularities done each day, the ones that } may possibly appear in the alt.humor.oracle digests.  Then, from those } returned from the devout priesthood, the TRUE incarnation of the Oracle } will take those best suited and, thru the hands of Steve Kinzler, the } digest is created. } } So, obviously, somewhere along the line your stuff is slipping through } the cracks.  Let's examine some possible reasons: } } 1.  The priest(s) who review your Oracularities has no sense of humor. } }     Possible, but highly unlikely. } } 2.  The priest(s) who review your Oracularities has a DIFFERENT sense of }     humor. } }     Highly likely... although takeoffs of Monty Python, Douglass Adams, }     or David Letterman may reach a very common denominator. } } 3.  The priest(s) who review your Oracularities is so swamped with mail }     that he just says "F**k it" and deletes them all. } }     Somewhat possible, but highly unlikely... This incarnation has NEVER }     done that, at the expense of a great deal of time, phone charges, }     and almost my job. } } 4.  The priest(s) who review your Oracularities is waiting for a }     "gratuity". } }     Bingo.  Send a few bucks next time, or the name and phone-number of }     a very "friendly" cute acquaintence, and I'll bet you'll see you }     stuff in no time. } } 5.  The priest(s) who review your Oracularities is sending your }     submissions on, but the TRUE Oracle isn't selecting them for }     publication. } }     Oh well... that's the breaks.  Of course, Kinzler might be the weak }     link here, but that's another matter. } } So, in short, just keep trying, and maybe you'll get in there.  Of } course, I hope that THIS makes it in there, and if I find that one of my } fellow priests reject this, I'll have some very nasty words for them. } } You owe this incarnation of the Oracle some very good Oracularities, so } I can forward them in and raise my rating score (yes, the Priesthood is } VERY VERY competative).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh greater Goodness, > > I have an inescapable feeling, based on things I have overheard, > that I have less toes than normal.  How should I check my fears? > Would it be presumptious of me to ask someone how man toes THEY > have? > > Please reply swiftly, as I am having trouble concentrating, all > I can think of is my toes!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question is somewhat unusual.  Almost everyone has the same } number of toes, but if you are different, then it would be } hard for you to tell.  The Oracle can help. } } First of all, asking someone else the number of toes they have } would be a very bad idea.  If you are different, everyone else } would be able to tell, and give you answer equivalent to the } number of toes you have.  This would be done mostly in pity } for your horrid condition.  So asking is out of the question. } } Rather than suggest ways for you to find out how many toes other } people have, I'll give you the answer straight and simple. } Humans have 17 toes.  They are distributed as follows.  The } right foot has only 2 toes, the inner of which is significantly } larger than its counterpart.  The usefulness of this is demonstrated } in ballet.  You'll notice that many ballerina tend to } spin on their right foot.  The enlarged toe helps.  The left foot } has 13 toes.  This was advantageous back when man was the } prey of many larger animals.  The extra toes provided more } traction and turning ability when trying to escape from predators. } Since man has mostly overcome the predator/prey age, these } toes are used to play cards allowing one to hold his cards } while drinking a beer with one hand and holding a cigarette } with the other.  Yet if you are different, this has never been } demonstrated to you.  Finally, the last 2 toes are on the back } of each ankle (one a piece).  They are quite small, therefore } very unnoticeable.  Their pupose is basically to maintain } balance. } } If you are different from this, there are reasons.  below is a } list of toe numbers, and what they are a sign of. } } Number of toes    Significance } ------------------------------------------------------------- }      18           Superior intelligence.  18th toe contains more }                 grey matter, therefore making you smarter. }      16           Superior ballerina.  Losing the small toe on the }                 right foot allows better piroets. }      15           Political leader.  Losing the 16th toe (which }                 also contains grey matter) makes you slightly }                 slower, therefore a sure political candidate. }      14           Businessman.  Not really sure why, but good }                 businessmen only have 14 toes. }      13           Accident prone.  13 toed people are very clumsy, }                 since they are missing ankle toes, and have a low }                 life expectancy. }      12           Superior acrobat.  12 toes is rare, it leaves }                 only the most muscular toes which in turn makes }                 for excellent acrobats. }      11           11 toes is quite rare.  This condition seems to }                 have little effect other than physical appearance }                 of the foot. }      10           10 toes is the rarest of all variations.  It }                 represents a severe lack of mental capacity, }                 significant brain damage, mental retardation }                 and usually 'odd' physical appearance.  Most 10 }                 toed people also only have one set of very small }                 genitals.  If you see a 10 toed person, it is }                 advisable to avoid them at all costs. } } I hope this has answered your question.  You owe the Oracle 1 pair of } Dr. Scholls Odor Eaters and 1 specimen of Athlete's foot.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's my bleaf doing in Morocco?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} why, It has finally run off to pursue its desire of continuing } its affair with your melank in a more romantic spot. } } You owe the Oracle two tickets to Paradise.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHY IS LOVE SO HEARTBREAKING?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If I knew the answer to that, I'd be the Oracle. } } Wait a minute... I AM the Oracle. } } Uh... well... ah... hmmm... } } Well, let's take a look at songs of the past few decades: } } Love is a Many Splendoured Thing } Love Stinks } Love Will Keep Us Together } Love to Love You Baby } Love Me Tender } Love Me Do } Love Is A Battlefield } Love Shack } Muskrat Love } What's Love Got To Do With It } etc etc etc } } So as you can see, Love is a very confusing issue even for those who } sing about it and make gazillions of bucks at it. } } %message from god@heaven.com } STOP STALLING AND ANSWER THE QUESTION } } (Gulp) } } Love is so heartbreaking because...  because...  because a long time ago } there was a man named Phred, and fell in love with a woman named (quite } aptly) Big Bertha, and one day after a serious session of energetic sex } he up and had a heart attack, which in those days was considered a } "breaking of the heart", and... } } %message from god@heaven.com } BACK UP AND TRY IT AGAIN } } (mumble, grumble, mumble, rumble) } } Look, the reason love ends up putting you in a full nelson till you get } the three-count is because women are sneaky bitches who lure } unsuspecting men into a web of unrelenting agony and... } } %message from lisa@net.sex.palace } Say what????????? } } Oh, forget it. } } You owe the Oracle a good safe answer to your own question.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Esteemed Oracle, who are no quiche-eater, but a REAL > programmer, please answer this humble question: > > Are GOTOs really harmful?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} GOTOs are not harmful.  In fact, they can be tremendously useful.  Try } living without GOTOs for a while, and see what happens.  You won't be } able to GOTO the store to buy food for dinner.  You won't be able to } GOTO the beach for spring break.  In fact, you won't be able to GOTO the } bathroom. } } You see, GOTOs are a necessary function for everyday living. } } You owe the Oracle a good FORTRAN compiler that works without GOTOs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do the higher-ups in any large university insist on holding classes > on the friday before spring break, when they KNOW nobody will attend > anyway? > > And then they take the day off themselves.... Sheesh.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The university administrators take the day off, as you have observed. } The students take the day off.  Who CAN'T take the day off?  The } professors. } } Why is this significant?  The unviersity world is not the happy temple } of learning that it may appeared to be to the untrained eye.  That is } just a facade, which covers a simmering cauldron of mystical intrigue } and multi-national conspiracy.  The main players in this struggle of } good versus evil are two enormous, highly secret cabals.  Nearly every } senior university administrator is a member of the feared Brotherhood of } Academic Deans (BAD), an embodiment of all that is evil in western } civilization.  This dread confraternity conducts vile research into the } arts of black magic, and is dedicated to the complete destruction of } freedom on the campuses of the world! } } Opposing BAD is the Consortium of Professors (CoPs), who courageously } defend the right of even the lowliest student to delve into whatever } field of learning may take his fancy.  Although under the administrative } eye of BAD members, CoPs has managed to thwart BAD's sickening plots for } centuries. } } What has this to do with the Friday before spring break?  That day is } known to all BAD members as the Feast of William the Provost.  William } the Provost, an official of Cambridge Univeristy in the 16th century, } was the founder of BAD, and perhaps the mostly evil man in the modern } history.  To celebrate his feast day, BAD members gather in covens in } secret temples, and sacrifice unwary freshmen. } } So, as you can see, it is crucial to their purposes that university } adminstrators ensure that all professors are uselessly occupied on that } particular day. } } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Necromicron and a Ring of Invisibility.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Since Jeremy and I are sitting here mailing the oracle and it has no > questions to ask, why do I keep getting his questions and he mine???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} WELCOME to the Mt Olympus BBS! } login: oracle } password: lisa } } hello, ORACLE, you have 1 messages. } } Oly: msg } } You have 1 message. } 1 Querent } Msg: r 1 } } from: Querent (Dweeb) } } Since Jeremy and I are sitting here mailing the oracle and it has no } questions to ask, why do I keep getting his questions and he mine??? } } Msg: quit } } Oly: talk } WELCOME to the Mt Olympus Conversation Room! } } Zeus : So, then I seduced Artichoka by disguising myself as a fig }        newton... } } Ares : Would you talk that way if Juno was listening?  I'm afraid not! } } Perseus : Artichoka, huh?  Hey, what's her number, anyhow? } } Oracle : Hey, what's the deal here with my querent and this guy Jeremy? } } Zeus : and boy, could that gal suck filling, I tell ya... } } Eros : Oracle, I'll send you mail about that } } Demeter : Oh, come on.  A fig newton?  Really? } } Thor : Doesn't anyone want to hear about the time I killed a giant? } } Oracle : bye } LEAVING the Mt Olympus Conversation Room! } } ORACLE, you have 1 messages. } } Oly: msg } } You have 1 message. } 1 Juno (GoddessMarriage) } Msg: r 1 } } Who? } } Msg: answer 1 } } Artichoka. } } Msg: quit } } ORACLE, you have 1 messages. } } Oly: msg } } You have 1 message. } 1 Eros (GodLove) } Msg: r 1 } } Your querent and Jeremy are made for each other.  I've been trying } to get them together for months later, but there haven't been any } sparks so far.  Even though they've got nothing better to do than } just sit around together and type away at netJunk all evening, they } don't see the deep attraction they could come to hold for each other. } I decided to make a somewhat stronger gesture by redirecting all } of their Oracle queries to each other.  So that each could see that } the other was the answer to the other's questions and prayers.  But } apparently it just didn't work out.  Your querent obviously didn't } pick up on the significance.  Guess I'll just have to maneuver them } into that cabin up in the mountains sometime.  Sorry you had to } get drawn into this.  But after I hooked you up with Lisa, I figure } you still owe me another 10 favors or so. }                                             With Love, }                                             Eros } } Msg: answer 1 } } Hey, no problem.  I'm sure they'll understand.  In fact, I may try } to help you out a little. } } Without question } The Oracle } } Msg: m querent } } You and Jeremy are getting each other's questions due to a software } glitch in the oracle program.  Things like this are going to keep } going wrong - I hate to be a bearer of bad tidings, but your computers } are going to crash bigtime.  You and Jeremy might just want to take } some time off this weekend, maybe head up to that little cabin in the } mountains for some hiking. } } You owe the oracle Artichoka's phone number. } } Without question } The Oracle } } Msg: quit } } Oly: bye } GOODBYE, ORACLE!  Come back to Mt Olympus soon!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, who knows all things that lurk in the minds of magazine > layout artists, please tell me something: > > I was passing by a newsstand today, and I noticed a sports magazine with > a nubile babe on the cover.  Moreover, she was very well endowed, and > was wearing a bikini that was so small, it made your humble supplicant > wonder how she kept from falling out. > > My questions are thus: >   A)  How *did* she keep from falling out? >   B)  Was this nubile babe placed on the cover in purely for the purpose >       of informing the inquiring consumer of the contents of the >       magazine? >   C)  Yow!!  Hubba hubba!  (sorry, your humble supplicant lost his cool >       for a moment during a vivid recollection of the picture...) How >       can I get a job taking these pictures?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, a worthy question. } } There are subtle forces which men do not understand.  These forces } manage to keep women in clothing during the most difficult of times. } For example, when you flex your manyl muscles at a babe it is these } forces which manage to keep her clothes on whilst she is contemplating } merry mayhem with you. } } Secondly, that particular magazine, Sports Illustrated perhaps?, is all } about these particular forces.  It is clear that the annual issue } dedicated to science is good for the modern sports fan.  That's why } they get all sorts of supportive letters from some people.  However, } some people don't like the sharing of these subtle forces and complain } a great deal about their exposure. } } You can't take these pictures until you get a Doctorate in subatomic } physics.  Also, you have to get a manicure every two weeks. } } You owe the oracle a free-body diagram of Heather Thomas.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I met this girl, Mindy, and she's really nice.  She seems to like lots > of the things I do.  We even dance well together.  She just loves to > talk with me for hours. > > Is this the one? > > Signed, I got her name, number, and a date this weekend!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Listen, you have a problem.  I hate to break it to you but you are } experiencing a distorted perception of reality.  What you've accepted as } fact is merely a manifestation developed in your mind through the evil } manipulations of television.  Mindy is already taken - you must accept } that.  It happened on February 16, 1985, when Mork finally asked the big } question.  What you don't understand is it that it's only a rerun.  It's } not life.  And you're not going out with Pam Dawbler this weekend.  You } have never in your life danced with Pam Dawbler.  She will talk with any } owner of a VCR for hours.  Get a grip - she's married to Steven } Spielberg (who did Jaws, ET, The Last Mango in Harrisburg).  She } wouldn't even look in your direction.  It's time you face the reality } that women, especially famous ones, just aren't interested in your kind } of guy.  Your the kind of guy who sews initials on the inside of your } socks.  And JFK isn't even your real initials.  Come out of } Never-Never-Land and face the world for what it is:  a cruel place. } } - Oracle } } PS:  I don't want to hear a word about how cute Jodie Foster is - no } way.