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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                 Send me a character and you're in!  We'll be playing on > the yalevm relay since play-by-mail would be too slow.  Low level (1-3). > Questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I hope you don't mind if I use your message in the training of one of my } young usenet priests. } } *GONG* } } Usenet Oracle:  Tell me, Grasshopper, What do you make of this message. } } Grasshopper:  Master, the message is completely ambiguous.  Let's get }               some lunch.  I'm buying. } } UO: <Smacks him in head>  Now, now, Grasshopper.  Decipher the meaning. } } G:  OUCH! Come on, Master.  Why don't you answer these questions }     yourself instead of pawning it off on the priests. } } UO: <Smacks him in head>  Grasshopper has a very big mouth in which he }     likes to insert his very big foot!  Now get to it! } } G:  All right all right all right. (*Sigh*) Let's see. "Send me a }     character" OK.  Somebody probably wants you to send them an ASCII }     character so they can test their new mail reader.  Right? } } UO: Please continue. } } G:  Can't we discuss this over a bowl of a rice and a Slurpie? } } UO: <Smacks him again>  Appearantly you wish to make a career of playing }     "Snatch the pebble from my hand", is that it? } } G:  No, no.  I'll finish it.  Let's see. "Send me a character and you're }     in!". Appearantly, "you're in" is a misspelling of "urine".  "Send }     me a character and urine!"  That's disgusting. } } UO: Agreed.  But what is your conclusion? } } G:  The mailer being tested was created by the government, which won't }     let anyone participate in a "mailer-test" without a urine specimin. } } UO: Continue. } } G:  <Reading> "We'll be playing on the yalevm relay..."  Hmm. } } UO: Does this suggest something, Grasshopper? } } G:  EBCDIC instead of ASCII? } } UO: (*Sigh*) Keep reading. } } G:  <Reading> "...since play by mail would be to slow."  Oh. Now I }     remember. "Play by Mail" was a system set up by IBM so that }     playwrights, book publishers, and government copywriters could }     e-mail transcripts back and forth. The whole project never really }     got off the ground though, did it? } } UO: No, most playwrights use Macs for their transcripts.  Very few have }     VM machines.  IBM should have known better.  But keep going. } } G:  Can't we take a break? } } UO: Perhaps instead of "snatch the pebble" we can play "pull my finger". } } G:  Where was I! Ah! <Reading>  "Low level (1-3)"  I don't get it. } } UO: Must I explain everything?  Even the painfully obvious? } } G:  You could try. } } UO: <Smacks him>  OK.  Run the word "level" through your 9-bit ASCII to }     EBCDIC decoder, XORing the first and forth characters with a running }     checksum and running the whole thing through the Yale E-mail Simple }     Mailing Algorithm Namer (Y.E.S.M.A.N.). } } G:  <Adjusting decoder ring> "<xFF>pR<ESC>" ? } } UO: Try again. } } G:  <Readjusting decoder ring> Uhm.  "T_UsZ"? } } UO: Good. } } G:  Good? } } UO: So the message now reads? } } G:  Uhm.. "Low T_UsZ (1-3)"? } } UO: Think about it. } } G:  <After a while>  Lotus 1-2-3? } } UO: A prodigy. } } G:  That was the most totally awesome thing I have ever seen in my }     humble, miserable, dare I say, smelly life.  You truly are the most }     wise, wonderful, and totally awesome Oracle, whose shadow I am not }     worthy enough to kiss. } } UO: <Chuckling> Yes, I know. Questions? } } G:  Yeah, what does Lotus... Wait a minute.  After each lesson, you }     always say "Questions?". } } UO: Yes. } } G:  And the above message ended with "Questions?". } } UO: Most assuredly.  Questions? } } G:  Am I being made a fool of? } } UO: Pull my finger and I'll tell you. } } [End of Play-By-Mail session.  Transcript saved in ORACLE TSCRIPT A1] } } You owe the Oracle two bowls of rice, easy on the Soy sauce.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow...  I have gotten a LOT of love related questions lately...  this } must be some sort of epidemic going on. } } The nature of love has been questioned for years by poets, artists, } musicians, defense attorneys, and college students.  Poets often put } love in flowing prose, artists in brilliant colors, musicians as hymns } of praise, defense attorneys as consenting practices between adults, and } college students as "Hey dude...  you should have seen the one I bagged } yesterday...  awesome!" So the nature of love is, obviously, a matter of } reference. } } To the Oracle, who has a rather LARGE frame of reference from which to } draw, love is a beautiful flower, which smells really bad.  No, wait, } that was Mr.  Spock who said that.  Scratch that.  Love is a many } splendoured thing that...  no, that's a song title.  Hmmm... } } Have you ever known somebody who, when you think about them, brings a } smile to your face even though the rest of the day has sucked canal } water?  Is there somebody that you can call just to talk, when you need } someone to listen, when you feel there is nobody else around?  Better } yet, is there someone that feels they can call YOU under the same } circumstances??  Thhat, to some, is love. } } To those in the "Dan Fielding" school of human relations, love is when } you engage in some serious acrobatic copulative activities and you } actually think about the other person during the process. } } Love is glandular, irrational, erratic, frustrating, fun, obnoxious, and } can make you seriously sick to your stomach.  Love stinks, love bites, } love is a battlefield, and love will keep you together. } } And remember, you can't buy love...  but you can sometimes rent it with } an option to own. } } You owe the Oracle a belated Valentines Day card and a box of chocolate } covered condoms.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did Goat Nest purely pickle Bucky the Beaver?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shhhhh, we don't talk about that kind of behavior in public!  But, since } you insist, I'll contact Mother Nature and ask her to tell you the bawdy } details. } } talk mother@nature.com } (waiting for connection) } (connection established) } } Hi Oracle, haven't talked to you in weeks!  What's up. } } >Nothing much, I got another question about the Goat and Beaver thing. } } Oh, not again!  I though that incident had been closed for good.  Oh, } well, what do you suggest? } } >Well, I was kind of hoping you'd give a short summary, leaving off the } >technical medical and legal issues, of course. } } Sure thing!  The only problem is most of the records were sealed by the } juvenile court people.  But I can summarize the portion of the case that } was reported in the papers: } } A long time ago, in a part of the forest where the sun shined almost } every day, Bucky the Beaver was busy cutting down trees to reinforce his } dam on the river.  Bucky was a very environmentally correct beaver, } never selecting trees that had birds nests in them, and his work } actually made the forest stronger, by helping to thin out areas where } too many trees took root. } } While Bucky was working diligently, in a nearby part of the forest } lurked the Evil Goat, Nest.  Nest was, like most goats, exceptionally } horny. } } Unlike most other goats, however, Nest was inclined to engage in various } forms of sexual pleasure which cannot be described over the Internet } without incurring the wrath of the Houston Chronicle. } } Anyway, while Bucky was bent over a recently fallen tree, trimming off } the side branches, along snuck Evil Goat Nest, and ...... } } >>message from censor@houston.cronicle.com  HEY!  I thought I told you } not to tell that story again.  It's bad enough that the police photos } are in alt.sex.pictures. } } >Oops!  Gotta go, Mother Nature, thanks for trying! } } Thats alright!  Gee, telling that story got me all worked up.  Where did } I put that carrot? } ^D } } You owe the Oracle a public key encryption for alt.sex.pictures that } won't be revealed to the Houston Chronicle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the real significance of Dekker's Algorithm?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dekker's Algorithm is significant only in that it was the predecessor } and inspiration for his twin brother Blak's own engineering feat } consisting of a new high-rise construction project for a certain } unspecified restaurant. } The previously impossible feat consisted of a normal sandwich with yet } another stacked upon it.  The second slice of bread was found out to be } mechanically unnecessary and tests proved the design to be sound } without it. } Thus was created the Dekker's double which is now called the Double } Dekker and can be found throughout the world.  Thus is the true } significance of Dekker's Algorithm for without it Dagwood would surely } starve. } } You owe the Oracle: A hoagie, no less than 5 lunchmeats (no bologna), }    relish, mustard (no dijon), mayo, onions, kraut, a tomato, and } any other possible ingredients I could use to make a truly unique } submarine sandwich.  (Based upon laminar flow equations)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > > * FLAME ON * > > > Someone posted a couple of weeks ago (can't remember who) a few page > > > posting that was a general guideline to how the list works, includ- > > > ing the thing about TWO POSTINGS PER DAY!!!!  If whoever that is > > > could, would you please post it again.  I think that posting should > > > be sent out to every one of these immature jerks that sign on as an > > > inclusion in the sign-on/sign-off instructions. > > > * FLAME OFF * > > > Robert Hayden > > > > >   ** FLAME ON ** > > Immature jerks,huh. Well if I new that being new to as list and a > > being a little clumsy with these here addresses was a crime I would > > not of signed up. As to the Two Postings A Day rule, I have never > > heard of this and if your so-o-o picky about what you wanna read on > > this net then why don't you go read a book or something, Mr. Hayden. > >  ** FLAME OFF ** > >                      -- Krell Warrior of the Gold Dragon > > Why is this Krell guy such a jerk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A cold wind whipped across the internet, whistling threw the open maw of } Krell's dragonhead helm.  His horse snorted impatiently, pawing at the } dust.  "Soon, Runner, soon we shall fight, and today we shall post } *three* times!" He smiled to himself at the thought.  He had waited long } for this battle, and now The Hayden could not escape him again. } } The chase had been long, perhaps too long.  Krell wondered if it had } really been worth six years of his life.  Visions of other paths } flickered through his mind:  completed degrees, clean apartments, } regular incomes.  He pushed them aside:  He had made his choice six } years ago, when he swore before the Gold Dragon to free The List from } The Hayden, and he would not break his oath.  The Hayden would die. } } Krell urged the horse forward, to the newsgroup where The Hayden had } taken refuge.  His defenses were strong, but Krell knew he would defeat } them. } } "* FLAME ON *" } } He vocalized the word internally, activating his weaponry.  A blade of } electronic fire sprang to life in his right hand.  Few could stand } against the power of his sword, Superuser, given him by the Gold Dragon } herself.  Krell spurred his mount into a charge.  Suddenly, a blinding } light flashed across his eyes, and Krell tumbled to the ground.  His } horse vanished utterly.  He rolled twice, and came up in a crouched, } looking for his attacker. } } A low laugh echoed across the valley.  "You are doomed, Subscriber! } This is a moderated newsgroup!!" } } Krell blanched, and fell back a few steps.  He hadn't expected that The } Hayden had such influence.  A new strategy was needed.  He turned to } withdraw into another domain, but found his retreat blocked by a hedge } of thorns. } } "I've limited your distribution to local, you fool!  You are trapped!!" } } Krell realized that his protection bits must have been scrambled back in } the fight in talk.bizarre.  The Hayden had him.  He muttered a final } prayer.  "tell mom@home 'goodbye'" He would have to resort to his final } weapon, though it would destroy him along with The Hayden.  He would } need all his strength now.  "* FLAME OFF *" Drawing himself up, Krell } spoke the words that would relegate his hated enemy to oblivion: } "rmgrp"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh brilliant and Tarot-hating Oracle most wildly kind, greater than Mr. > Jack Abraham and Mr. Groucho Sheet combined, I abase myself before your > pious sex slave.  Is a zygomatic trephon more consonant than a > lemnifrage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The zygomatic what?  Hmmm.  Speaking in tongues again, eh?  Well } brother, you called the Oracle's Evangelical Hotline RIGHT in TIME!  To } exorcise the HELLspawned DEMON from your tonsiles, here's the PINCH } HITTER for the LORD, Louie Will Slugger himself.  Come on up Louie, and } HEAL this this poor, pathetic slug -- I mean supplicant!  Lets cheer } Louie on, ladies and gentlemen, in the manner he's used to: } } Hey battabattabattabatta seWING, battah! } } (Louie walks up wielding an uprooted sequoia.  He takes a warm up swing } or two, knocking audience members left and right, aims for the wretched } questioner's demon-possessed head, and ....) } } ker-WHACK! } } Oh dear.  Could you bring that head on down to the stage, sir?  I'm sure } Louie would be happy to give you an autographed baseball which you could } keep as a souvenir in its place.  Fortunately, reattaching heads is } practically the Oracle's second line of business. } } There you go sir.  I'm sure that'll fix any crossed wires as soon as you } come to your full senses.  In the meantime, thank you for the } contribution of your house, and I'm sure you'll be delighted with } Oracle's recipe for Swedish Meatballs -- the absolutely FREE gift we } give to anyone contributing $50,000 or more to our fundraiser.  And here } it is: } } For die Sveedish Meeetbowls, you fordie yourdie wordie birdie lordy } lordy bork bork.  Add salt to taste. } } Thank you, and do call again!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh noble and witless Oracle, kinder than a whole bunch of rodents, whose > ribs I am not capable to wash, cuter than a whole bunch of mastodons, I > abase myself in the face of your lecherous moral brilliance. > > Once upon a time I had a small blue object.  What has become of it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Funny you should ask that...  you're probably going to kick yourself } when you find this out, but that small blue object was given to you, in } a dream, but the Almighty himself as a test of your worthiness to become } a great and legendary figure in the world.  It held the secrets of the } ancients, the plan for world piece for the next 1000 years, and the } reasons why people actually like "The Simpsons".  With it, mankind would } have grown and advanced to a point where only science fiction writers } and drug addicts can dream. } } And you went and lost it.  Seesh...  what a lame brained thing to do. } Because of that, crazed people attack other countries, androids have } taken over the job of Vice President of the US, Cop Rock was cancelled, } and a large asteroid is going to crash into the earth sometime between } now and New Year's Day 1994.  Way to go, bud. } } Just for that, I'm not GOING to tell you what actually became of it, or } the actual day the asteroid is going to hit.  Nyeah! } } You owe the Oracle three orange objects and juggling lessons.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       I'm still curious:  Why is the makefile looking for that > library if you set the switch indicating that you're running X11?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a remarkably boring question.  I hope that you appreciate this. } I mean, I wouldn't want you to think that I enjoy answering this sort of } question; I don't.  I never have.  I never will.  Sometimes I get a } nice, exciting, funny, original question, and I can show my inate wit } and humour.  Other times, I receive questions like this?  Do you realise } what the last 20 questions I received were?  I'll tell you what they } were:  boring. } } Judge for yourself: } }       20.     How do I get an A grade in this class? }       19.     How do I score with the girl sitting next to me? }       18.     How can I become a millionaire? }       17.     Why won't my C program compile? }       16.     Why won't my Pascal program compile? }       15.     How do I get an A grade in this class? }       14.     Last time I asked you, you didn't know.  Do you now know? }       13.     What time is it? }       12.     How can I score with the girl in the seat behind me? }       11.     Does God exist? }       10.     How do I get an A grade in this class? }        9.     Where am I? }        8.     What is it like getting laid by Lisa? }        7.     Can you help me, please? }        6.     Last time I asked, you said this, but I don't believe you. }        5.     How can I score with the girl on the next terminal to me? }        4.     Why does my supervisor hate me? }        3.     What is my name? }        2.     Can you introduce me to Lisa? }        1.     How do I get an A grade in this class? } } Why?  Why should I put up with this sort of pathetic type of question? } Oh, yes, your question makes a change:  you're basically asking, `Why } doesn't my Makefile work?' What a stunningly exciting thing to ask me; } it really has made my life.  When you can think of a more reasonable } thing to ask (and only then) ask me.  Bloody mortals. } } However, since it is my duty to answer all questions posed, the I must } do so for you: } }       RTFM. } } The Oracle requires as payment a new /dev/null

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ?sdrawkcab gnitirw draobyek ym si yhW

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, a technical question!  I thought I would be asked to reveal my plan } for global happiness... } } Most mortals believe that the "draobyek sdrawkcab" or backwards } keyboard syndrome is due to a hardware failure or a parity mismatch. } The Queen's Commision on Rightwards Typing in fact spent eight months } and ten billion dollars to solve the problem. The following is a } synopsis of their discoveries: } } Essentially, there are two main causes for this terrible syndrome. The } wire from your keyboard to your computer may have become a moebius } strip.  Check that it's straight.  Note: if you live on Staten Island, } you have to be doubly careful because space itself has contorted into } a moebius strip.  In this case, get a four-dimensional cord and you'll } be fine. } } The second cause of this syndrome is a little more scary; your } computer may be infected with Australia Virus (strain B).  The } inhabitants of Australia, tired of seeing everything on their screens } upside-down, commissioned the mad programmer Daniel Pjoel to write a } utility that would reverse their screens, thus making the "top" part } appear on the "up" side and the "bottom" part appear on the "down" } side.  Daniel, who was madder than Peter Shaffer's Mozart (literary } reference), decided to write the utility in the form of a virus. The } virus became corrupted when it passed through the metal detectors at } Melbourne International Airport and become what is known as Strain B; } rather than reversing top and bottom, the virus reverses left and } right. There is only one cure for this virus: follow my grandmothers } advice and starve it; unplug your computer for 36 hours and then try } again.  If this does not succeed in solving your dilemma, place the } long, dangly thing hanging from your modem into a bowl of chicken } soup. } } You owe the oracle eight ounces of shmatz (chicken fat) and another } plan for global happiness.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle Most Wise, canst thou tell me why it is that girls have more > fun? > > --Yours in humble isolation from the heights of your insight

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, first of all, the Oracle should inform you that it is not } politically correct to use the word "girl" (pronounced "girrrul") } when you actually mean "WOMAN."  You should be ashamed of } yourself! } } The Oracle was almost so offended that your question was not } answered.  But then it became apparent that you should be shown } the error of your ways... } } "Girrruls" are female children. } } "Girrruls" are made of sugar and spice and everything nice.  The } Oracle has been informed that this "everything nice" bit includes } Diet Pepsi and a bag of Doritos. (The people who wrote the rhyme } were recently jailed) } } "Girrruls" have more fun because they don't have to deal with PMS, } bras, or hairspray, to name just a few of many inconveniences. } } WOMEN, on the other hand, have to deal with all of these, plus } those sad three-legged creatures:  MEN!  MEN!!  MEN!!! } } MEN are responsible for ALL of the world's problems! } MEN rape! } Saddam Hussein is a MAN! } MEN designed the Chernobyl reactor! } MEN are BRUTES! } MEN are BOORS! } MEN are ICKKY! } } Women have *much* more fun because men are perpetually feeling guilty } that they are, after all, men, and women are glad that they're not. } } You owe the Oracle a box of Tampax and a March 1991 Cosmo.