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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle, to whom the mysteries of eternity are as a > crossword puzzle, I still have a problem. > > Due to my wording and this blasted temporal anamoly nearby, my > words were misunderstood by one of your incarnations. I am > currently recieving mail from another computer, said computer > being located at the same university three weeks in the future. I > know the University has the connections between computers wired > through the steam tunnels, and this seems to be where the > temporal anomaly is located. The trouble is, I can't find the > branch down which the anomaly is located. I tried, as I said, the > first branch past the Engineering School access, but all I found > was a bunch of Egyptian Heiroglyphics a long ways down, and the > small hole in the third tile on the left below the women's locker > room (the pictures are being developed). > Down which branch is the Upwhen temporal anomaly located, where > they wired the connection?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...  most likely in the branch connecting one of the dining halls } with the sorority dorms.  A lot of them like to sneak out and grab a } midnight snack without being seen (food that nobody sees you eat has no } calories, they think).  I believe an accident involving two Tri-Delts, a } box of Twinkees, and a sixpack of Diet Pepsi may have caused the anomaly } you are experiencing. } } Be very VERY careful down there in the steam tunnels...  you will find } remnents of ancient civilizations and mystic sacrificial rituals } regarding co-ed virgins (of course, this is why these civilizations } perished...  there is a drastic drought of co-ed virgins these } days)...DO NOT disturb these ruins, lest ye bring about the wrath of the } gods and force the most terrible of retributions upon the campus...  an } NCAA investigation! } } If you MUST go down in these catacombs, try to find a few computer geeks } that like to play games like Dungeons and Dragons.  They'll love it, and } will be very useful as cannon fodder to the 10' rats you may encounter. } If you can't find geeks dumb and/or adventurous enough for this, try the } local chapter of the Society for Creative Anachronism...  they'll do } just about anything if they can bring a sword or large club. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of those pictures when they get developed.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh kind and blorning Oracle, master of all unguents, whose virtue is > bloated, I abase myself before your prurient determination.  Are there > now negative rules and hundreds of sattelite dishes and burning desires > in the knees of subordinates and highly organized but sexually active > writing implements?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahem. I resemble... er, resent the term "blorning." But I'll } answer your question anyway. }         Negative rules: The answer to that, of course, is } strictly negative, according to the rule. }         Hundreds of sattelite dishes: No. There are only about } twenty plates, cups, and other table settings in orbit, from when } the Apollo-Soyez group decided to clean up the easy way after a } picnic. }         Burning Desires in the Knees of Subordinates and Highly } organized but sexually active writing implements: Ahah, so YOU'RE } the one who ordered that set of knee hormonal implants and } subsonic-erotico frequency pencils? AHA! Yes, they have arrived } at your ex-employers office, and the doctor you bribed did put } the implants into all of the underlings of the various corporate } bosses. Yes, the disruption due to extended, ah, "coffee break" } activities has completely disrupted corporate operations. They } will be bankrupt in a week or so. But I suggest you move up the } time table a bit, and pick up the concealed cameras and so forth } early. Your ex-boss has gotten suspicious, and you left a } fingerprint on the video camera in the third floor broom closet. } You had better remove it tonight, along with the thirty-nine } others, the sound equipment, the phone taps, and the laser } hologram set up. Oh, you had better replace all of the pencils } with a fresh batch- those people at your office have been doing } some sick things with the first batch, and they have completely } RUINED those pencils for normal acts of perversity. } }         You Owe the ORACLE a copy of your new video library and a } matching pen and pencil set for Lisa.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are Joe Mage's fireballs ALWAYS the EXACT > same size?  The same color?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Simple.  Joe buys all his fireballs at Todd's House of Magic. } Every fireball GUARANTEED not to sputter, fizzle, or discolor! }       And don't forget our special two for one sale!  That's right, buy } two magical items ...  and buy the THIRD one for the price of ONE!!! } How can you lose?  You can't!  So why wait?  Sell your soul to your } least favorite Evil deity for one chance at getting to Todd's House of } Magic!!  JUST DO IT. } }            Todd's House of Magic.  Right next to the big old tree.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many hydrox does it take to make an oreo cookie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The ancient Myans pondered this question also.  I remember } them asking about something like this.  Hydrox, much like Jello pudding } pops, are not of this world.  They came to be as the result of a bizarre } breeding operation started by aliens in the latter 12th century right } before Genghis Khan discovered steak tartar by cooking over an open } fire in a rainstorm.  Hold on and I'll consult the old Ocularities... }       Aha, here we are.  Hydrox.  Hydrox to Peak Frean ratio... } Hydrox to Oreo ratio.. Ok.  There's a little blurb and this REALLY UGLY } proof that you'll never understand.  We'll skip the formalities and get } right to the answer.... } }       Hydrox to Oreo ratio = 42.  Doublestuff } is different. } } You owe the oracle one bag of marbles and a glass of ice cold milk.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did all these people leave their homes five days ago and one day ago > and six hours ago and stuff and why does that qualify them to be on the > radio like so many fucking operas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The people in question suffer from a rare temporal disorder, which } causes them to repeat actions over and over again, even in situations } where this would normally be impossible (like, say, dying every } Wednesday).  Most of them were just leaving home for normal everyday } activities, like walking the dog, going to work, running for Ombudsman, } and so on, not realizing that they had contracted the dread } Redundundundacy Syndrome (or were about to contract, it's hard to say } when you're dealing with something of such temporal mind-bendingness). } Soon they were caught in its deadly loop and kept leaving and leaving } and leaving, until all their leaves were brown and the skies were } grey...  (oops, sorry.  Lisa just turned the stereo on).  Anyway, it's } very difficult to treat Redundundundacy Syndrome, as the sufferers } repeat their infection as well.  About the only thing they can do is get } a job at a TV station doing re-runs.  With extraordinary luck, the } repetitive nature of re-runs can confuse the virus which causes } Redundundundacy Syndrome so much that it can lead to remission. } Unfortunately, most TV stations would rather use videotape to show } re-runs instead of hiring Redundundundacy sufferers, so they are forced } to try their luck elsewhere.  Radio shows are good, though they don't } have the success rate of TV shows in causing remission, because they're } always re-runs, even the first time they're aired (a little-known fact, } but then the Oracle knows everything).  That's probably why all those } people are on the radio, as you noticed.  Give them a break; they've had } the same hard day many many times over. } } As to the 'fucking operas' aspect, well, all the Oracle can say is that } you certainly have some interesting radio stations over there.  Most of } the Oracle's local stations don't broadcast anything that deals with } fucking.  Then again, here at heaven.com the censorship is pretty tight } and the local government is kind of prudish, so it figures. } } You owe the Oracle^GMESSAGE FROM question-server@heaven.com } New Question, O great Oracle: } } > Why did all these people leave their homes five days ago and one day } > ago and six hours ago and stuff and why does that qualify them to be } > on the radio like so many fucking operas? } } Oh, dear.  You owe it to the Oracle to seek professional help.  See you } on Laverne and Shirley.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No mo logical? > > Am I no mo logical?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Scotty, fix the transporter! You've combined Mr. Spock with }  one of the natives and now he's got rhythm and blues!" } } "Fascinating rhythm, fascinating rhythm! Do logical do do do...." } } "I canna do it kapten! You'll have to give me more time!" } } "Spock, Spock get a hold of yourself! Get a grip! (get a life while }  we are on this subject)" } } "Feelings, nothing more logical than feeeeeeeelings...." } } "Bones! Do something, dash garn it!" } } "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a Kraft Cheese Spread! I'm just }    singin' in the rain!" } } "What? Bones! Bones! Speak to me! Now he's got it to! Scotty, }  we need to be beamed up now! Scotty, scotty, are you there? }  Do you know what has happened and what to do?" } } "No sirree kapten, but iffen you'll hum a wee bit, I can fake it. La!" } } The Oracle has spoken, um... sung.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, thou who art indeed the master of true grammar... > > If I am to append the suffix -able to the phrase "talk about" (to form a > phrase meaning "able to be talked about"), should the phrase be > "talkable about", or should it be "talk aboutable"?  And please, in your > infinite wisdom, share the reasons why the correct answer IS the correct > answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are wise to consult the Oracle about this question, because it is } one of the six most perplexing problems in English grammar.  I dare not } give the other five because doing so would invalidate your SAT score, } forcing you to re-take high school English over and over again until you } had mastered the art of diagramming haiku. } } However, in order to answer this question, the Oracle will have to } consult the OED (Oracle English Dictionary), which just happens to be } available on CD (Cosmic Diskette) for a mere $125,232.  (Driver not } included.) } } (The Oracle is not only all-knowing, he is all-forgetful.) } } %attach OED } ## OED ATTACHED, version 0.90b beta test version, report all errors to } ## sysop } } Hmm, I thought this thing was the production version.  Wonder if I can } get my money back? } } %parse -v 'talk about' -s 'able' } } ## adding suffix 'able' to verb form 'talk about' } ## } ## preferred syntax is 'talk about'-able } ## } ## modern usage example:  Alex Haley's novel _Roots_ was one of the most } ## 'talk about'-able books of the 1970's. } ## } $$ GRAMMAR WARNING:  THE PHRASE "_Roots_" IN THE ABOVE IS AN APPOSITIVE } $$ PHRASE AND SHOULD BE SET OFF BY COMMAS. } $$ } $$ RECONSTRUCTION PRODUCED: } ## Alex Haley's, _Roots_, novel was one of the most 'talk about'-able } ## books of the 1970's. } $$ } $$ ERROR CODE 34 } panic! memory fault, dump taken } } Well, it seems like the Oracle's computer has a few bugs in it.  The } Oracle suggests that you refrain from using the above advice until the } beta test period is over.  In the mean time, how about substituting the } term 'rappable'? } } You owe the Oracle three infinitives which can be evenly split.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mystifying and utterly neato oracle: > > how come, after imbibing a quart of EVERCLEAR, I fall down and don't > get up for and extended period of time? (After doing so, I missed the > last two census')

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Everclear is a drug. } } Proof is left to the reader. } } You owe the oracle a new couch, you slob.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what should i do about jennifer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is feeling what schizophrenic today, so let's see what my } various personalities say: } } Oracle #1:  Kill the bitch. } Oracle #2:  She realizes what a complete loser you are, and is much to }               good for you. } Oracle #3:  Grab her by the hair, throw her down on the floor, and }               boink the good living daylights out of her. } Oracle #4:  Take her outt to a nice restaurant (wine, roses, the whole }               nine yards) and profess your unending devotion to her. } Oracle #6:  Forget about her, go after her girlfriend. } Oracle #7:  What does it matter... we're all doomed anyway. } Oracle #8:  Listen to Oracle #1... he has the right idea. } Oracle #9:  Don't listen to Oracle #8... he's full of shit. } Oracle #10: Who are all these other people in here with me??? } } So, there you go.  The consensus of the group seems to be in the } negative... } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Cybil", a picture of Sally Fields, and a } picture of Jennifer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do you think I hate > the damnable wizards so?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, if you want my opinion, I think you'll find that you hate the } damnable wizards so, because they're so damnable, but you aren't going } to be happy with that answer, so let's go into their history a bit. } } The first evidence that the So family existed at all can be found in bas } reliefs that date back to 5th century BC in china.  These sculptures } clearly depict a warrior clan led by a family of wizards.  The wizards } coat of arms is merely a chinese letter which translates as the } phoenitic "SO", hence the name.  The wizards ruled with an iron hand } until, as the myths tell it, the day of the great Arachnok, the spider } armageddon, when the wizards fought on the wrong side.  From that day } onward, the wizards have been damned forever, never being allowed to use } capital letters.  As you know, capital letters are quite important to } the language, they allow you to begin a sentence more clearly, most } proper names use them, but most importantly, capital letters are the } easiest way to STRESS SOMETHING IMPORTANT.  As you can clearly see.  The } wizards So, became known as the damnable wizards so, and have been known } henceforth as such. } } Now, being damnable, as well as not being allowed to use capital } letters, the damnable wizards so, became quite outraged, first at the } winning side of arachnok, as they call it, and eventually everybody in } general.  They began to commit horrible acts of treachery and torture on } the populace of China, which they were forced to call china, and very } soon, the populace began to hate them.  In the 3rd century BC, the } people of China rose up and detroyed the wizards so, presumably forever. } So, obviously you hate those damnable wizards so, due to a terrifying } race memory you've kept with you since before birth. } } You owe the oracle a glass of chinese tea and some fortune cookies.