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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ohh great Oracle, > Ruler of all the thingies that need to be ruled, > and the one who has stashed Dan QualeUs Brain away in case it is ever in > fact needed. > > It all started about three weeks ago when I awoke with a rather strange > feeling coursing through my viens, since I had eaten domotory food just > the night before at first I ignored it, and it wasnUt until two days > later that I in fact realized that is was more than that.  I had just > convince a rather good looking blonde girl who I knew, named Jenny, to > let me take some pictures of her.  We spent the entire afternoon moving > around town, through the countryside, ect...  as I took sevral pictures > in each of the latter places of Jenny.  I took seven full rolls with 12 > exposures on each.  The next day I took them to a Proex, and spent the > next hour pickpocketing to pay for the many photos I expected to have to > buy.  When I went up to the counter the man looked up at me apoligeticly > and told me that none of the rolls of film had come out, so I was three > hundred dollars richer and 84 photos poorer.  Well, two days later the > same thing happened with another roll of film, so I had my camera > checked out.  Nothing turned up wrong with it.  I didnUt know what was > wrong, and wouldnUt until three days later.  We were all standing back > watching a demonstratration on some kind of radioactivity experiment, > when the counter went off the scale before the professor even brought > the whatever it was he used.  The began to search the room for the > source of radoiactivity.  After much searching they found one object in > the room that in fact emitting a large amout of gamma radiation, me. > The glowing in the dark, and the fact that all my pets will slowly die > of radation poisioning I can handle, but will I never ever be able again > to take those marvelous pictures of semi clad good looking women with > eyes that could burn through really thick concrete?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sorry to tell you that there's no...  waitaminute.  What did you say } your name was?  Banner,eh?  Bruce Banner,by any chance,sir?  AH, I see. } Well, the Oracle certainly doesn't want to get you angry,sir.  He knows } what can happen when you get angry...  what?  You still haven't turned } into the Hul... } } AHEM } } Yes, Mr Banner, there is a way for you to take those pictures.  It } involves having you in a special suit that is essentially 100% lead. } Now, now...  I know this may inhibit your movement,but it's the only way } you still take pictures. } } MR.  BANNER,PLEASE!!!!!  I know the thought of spending the rest of your } photgraphic career in lead underwear is a bit disturbing but please try } to calm down before...  Oh, no.  It's happening. } } (Sound of muscles bursting through an outfit that's now much too small, }  accompanied by rumbling growls of "HULK WILL SMASH PUNY ORACLE!!!!!") } } Ow!!!  HEY!  HE'P ME,SOMEBODY!!!!!!! } } (CRASH.  CRACK.  THOMP!  WHAMMO!  BASH!!!!!) } } Ooooog.  You owe the oracle a bunch of aspirin (And prints of any of } those pictures that you do develop...  It's the least you could do after } tearing up the place and jumping through the roof, you know.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pardon my clumsiness great Oracle, but I learned of your presence only > late this afernoon.  I have a question for you that has puzzled me for > some time now.  If only I had a dollar for every hour of sleep I have > lost while pondering its answer.  To learn the answer would bring me > great joy, the likes of which I have not felt since the Dallas Cowboys > won the Super Bowl.  My question is this:  Why is it called a boxing > RING when it actually is a SQUARE?  Your quickest attention to this > matter would be most appreciated, great Oracle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have come to the right place, my son. The wise and powerful } Oracle knows all, and will reveal to you the true meaning of your } question. You ask: "Why is it SQUARE?" Why, I thought it was } obvious! But of course, you are but a mere mortal, and cannot } fathom the mysteries of the Universe as I can. To answer this } question, we must journey back into the mists of time -- excuse } me for a moment while I make a small temporal adjustment... } } [wwwwWWWWooooOOOoooozzzzZZZzzzzzooooOOOIIIIiiiiNNnnnNNgggGGG] } [swirling lights and rapid shift of focus to a darkened cave. }  hairy humanoids huddle nervously around a fire] } } ...sorry about that. Welcome to 200,000 B.C. Here we see your } ancestors enjoying the warmth of the communal fire, which } protects them from the elements, and also from such undesirable } predators as sabre-tooth tigers, jackals and tax collectors. You } may also see-- WAIT A MINUTE! THIS ISN'T RIGHT! You haven't been } tampering with my equipment have you?... } } [SPANG] } [sudden shift to a heavyweight title fight between Attila the Hun }  and Alexander the Great. Attila is sitting on Alexander's face }  and seems to be winning. a huge crowd of Persians and Huns }  cheers them on] } } ...damn, there seems to be something wrong with my temporal } displacement device... } } [WHACK BANG BANG zzzZZZZzzzOOOoOOiiiiNNggGG] } [bright flash and jump to a scene of Pythagoras in a boxing ring. }  he is wielding a huge compass and ruler] } } ...ah, that's better. Now watch closely and you see how the } "ring" became a "square." See, Pythagoras takes his compass and } straightedge, and... } } [ssssSSSSshhhhhhzHHHkkkkkWWuuuuuUUrrrpPP] } [various other disgusting noises, accompanied by a lurid }  lightshow] } [disoriented return to the Oracle's cave. loud CRUMP! followed by }  billowing clouds of choking, evil-smelling smoke] } } ...[koff, koff, choke] [expletive deleted] Well, that's torn it. } I can no longer show you how the "ring" became a "square," so I } will just have to describe the process to you. Be warned, this } may get technical. First, take a large round bell, a hammer, and } a medium-size black hole. Hit the bell with the hammer, then } throw both of them into the hole and stir until fluffy. Pour into } a large greased dish and bake at 350 degrees for 10 minutes. } Leave to cool. Then apply pressure to it. This will pop it out of } the frame of this Universe and expand it into 6 dimensions. Grab } it before it vanishes, and cut it in half with a banana. You } should find yourself holding a large square object. } Congratulations! I told you it was easy. } } You owe the Oracle two tickets to the next heavyweight title } fight and a new time machine. (You don't happen to know any good } cookie recipes do you?)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most loaded with all these features at no extra charge, > > Why do all the people in states that end with "ia" think they're so > superior?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, there is no ONE reason... it varies from state to state. } } California -- because they can surf, they have Hollywood, and live thru }   massive earthquakes.  Big deal. } } Georgia -- because they survived Sherman's March, they have Georgia Tech }   and the Univ of Georgia, home state of Jimmy Carter, and the 24th }   Mechanized Infantry.  I'll give them the last one, the rest of it is }   garbage. } } Pennsylvania -- long state name, an impressive turnpike with lots of }   tunnels, and of course they have Philadelphia and Pittsburgh.  If that }   isn't enough to make you toss your cookies, I don't know what will. } } Virginia -- Well, the Univ of Virginia was founded by Tommy Jefferson, }   and it is close enough to Washington DC to be depressing.  Also, they }   were the capital of the Confederate States of America... so it's the }   capital of a bunch of losers. } } West Virginia -- they have... well, they got a... I haven't the foggiest }   idea why people from West Virginia would feel superior, except they }   are the only state with two words in its name that does't start with }   South, North, New, or Rhode.  Wow. } } You owe the Oracle a good reason why people in North Carolina and North } Dakota feel superior to people in South Carolina and South Dakota.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr Oracle sir... A question of the ages has come to me from the > bowels (as it were...) of my company... What is the correct and > proper method of loading paper into the dispenser of paper (T.P.) > within the confines of the bathroom? > > Note: There is contention that loading with the output towards the > wall is best to deter kitties and young children. However it is > obvious to the masses that this is an invitation to the wall to > scrape the users knuckles. I believe the other direction, paper > out, is the correct method. > > Now wipe that grin off your mug and please do your best to not > only answer the question, but also make clear your reasons for > said answer... Oh most wise... (?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle gets all sorts, truly. } } It is an odd company indeed where the employee restrooms are } frequented by kittens and children. Notwithstanding, to determine the } best direction to orient the TP, use this procedure: } }           ************************************************ }                         THE ORACLE'S GUIDE TO }                        INSTALLING TOILET PAPER } }                       In 6 Easy-To-Follow Steps } }                   Copyright 1991, Mr. Otis R. Acle }               All rights, Earthly and cosmic, reserved }           ************************************************ } } 1] Write a memo to all employees, stating that in an attempt to }    increase productivity, restroom use is to be monitored. Put down }    the Chairman of the Board's (hereafter COB) office number and }    phone. Name yourself as responsible for administration of this }    project. } } 2] Take the COB to lunch on a Friday. Order him twelve or more }    martinis and/or kamikazes. At 4:30, just before returning to work, }    slip him the memo and tell him you need his autograph for your kids }    (an oldie but a goodie, as forgeries go.) } } 3] Take one of those inter-office yellow envelopes. Write the COB's }    address on the next open space and cross it off, as if this had }    just come from there. Then write the President's secretary's name }    in the next space, and send her the memo with the notation that it }    be distributed to all employees. } } 4] The next day, set up a card table, chair, clipboard, and note paper }    outside the stalls. Listen carefully for people cursing the way the }    paper comes off the roll. Take notes. } } 5] After two weeks, switch the rolls and see how many people curse }    this orientation. } } 6] After four weeks total, tally the results, weighted by salary. }    Write a decree that all TP should be in the least objectionable }    orientation, and get it by the COB the same way as last time. } } Congratulations! You now have the correct answer for your company. You } should repeat this every few years, to take into account the feelings } of any new personnel. } } The Oracle prefers paper out, as you do, but since I own 24% stock in } your company, I don't want to see productivity slacking if it happens } that most employees are brain-damaged in the TP department. } } You owe the Oracle one gross rolls of two-ply.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way to tie a tie?? > > regards > Mario

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Here the top ten ways, straight from the }      Oracle Home Office: } }        10. With a chisel. } }         9. Left-over-right, then right-over-left.  Or the }            other way around.  The Oracle can't remember. }            The Oracle _never_ wears a tie. } }         8. Clip-on's are back in, so don't worry about it. } }         7. In fact, don't tie the tie at all.  Just staple }            it down in the right places. } }         6. There is no number 6.  In fact there never was }            a number 6.  Six was invented by the Roman }            Catholic Church, who felt that 5 and 7 were }            too intimate for prime numbers, and needed }            to be separated. } }         5. Watch a three-year-old tie their shoe and do the }            same thing.  (If you're left-handed, reverse }            the steps.) } }         4. Tie your ties once.  From then on, loosen the knot }            just enough to slip them on and off over your neck. } }         3. Are you a graduate student?  A noose would be }            appropriate. } }         2. Loop the tie over once, then place both ends in a }            blender.  Remember, the higher the speed, the }            more conservative the look. } }         1. Wrap the tie around once, then play Twister }            while holding on to the ends. } } Now go and sin no more, } } The Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHY ISN'T THE EARTH FLAT?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately the usual answer lies in physics.  A rotating disk the } size of the Earth is not gravitationally stable.  The result would be } a rather unusual astroid field. } } The REAL answer is more interesting.  It all comes back to a } conversation that I had with God several millenia ago.  As I recall, } it went something like this... } } God: So Oracle, what do you think of the new universe? } } Oracle: Good effort.  I give it a 7. } } G: WHAT! } } O: Well, er, um, the Earth is flat... } } G: Yes.  Your powers of observation continue to astonish me.  So what? } } O: A flat disk has to have an edge, so what holds the ocean in? } } G: It just pours off in a continuous, enormous waterfall.  Quite } beautiful really.  I'm particularly proud of the spectral effects when } the Sun is just coming over the horizon. } } O: I do not doubt the artistic value of a flat Earth.  However, what } happens when the Earth runs out of water? } } G: Well... I'll just scoop it out of space and drop it on top again. } I'll call it "rain."  Lots of nice salty rain with the occasional } fish.  Animals will appreciate the free eats. } } O: Salty rain will be highly corrosive, and the dead fish will smell } terrible.  Also plants don't like too much salt in the ground. } } G: Picky, picky.  I guess I will have to extract the salt and fish } from the water first. } } O: What will you do with the extra salt and fish? } } G: I will build magnificent statues of Me.  People will say, "God sure } is handy with salt and dead fish." } } O: Great.  Very impressive.  I can see it now, a mile high statue of } You made entirely of sea salt and dead fish. } } G: Now that you put it that way, I can see that there might be an } image problem.  Fine.  I'll just make the Earth round and forget any } kind of artistic merit.  I like rain though.  In fact, I can think of } a few specific uses for really heavy rain. } } O: You'll thank me in the end. } } There you have it.  You owe the Oracle the entire Diskworld series.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did you know the Oracle software violates 37 software patents?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes I did. But now I've forgotten. Perhaps you'd like to tell me. } } Actually, the Oracle owns the patent on owning patents, so unless } you'd like to be tied up in court for the next couple thousand } millenia, I suggest you drop the subject. I've got so many lawyers } working for me, I make Bell Labs look like an organization engaged } in the business of making scientific discoveries. } } You owe the Oracle a tort, and an eclair.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you going to Scarborough Fair?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH! } } Bad acid trip replay, it's 1968, and Nixon is going to be the next } President! } } AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! } } There, on the wall!  John Lennon IS the Wallrus! } } EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! } } The words of the Prophet are written in the Subway walls, and tenement } halls.  And the word are:  Don't buy junk bonds!! } } OH, NOOOOOOOOOOO! } } Coo Coo Kachoo, Mrs.  Robinson......  Wait till you find out how much } money your son is going to earn for playing basketball and endorsing } sneakers!! } } And I can't even do a shell escape, because unix won't be invented until } next year!  Besides, Kinzler is still dreaming about merit badges, not } Lisa! } } Oh, No!  They're dipping their Oracle's in milk!  squiiiish!  No, wait!! } that Oracle is ME!!!!!!!! } "oracle.reply" [incomplete last line] 25 lines, 733 characters

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, one who can devise the most elaborate ways of > tying your sexual partners, can you answer this question? > Why is it that I suddenly have two noses?  Can I get rid of one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...  this is mighty peculiar.  It looks like you are turning into a } Picasso painting.  That would explain the two noses and the third arm } which is now growing out of the guitar.  And that purple hair really } kills me.  I'd try to go into more of a "Old Masters" form, or possibly } a Wythe.  I don't think Picasso is your style.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Rice a good school for Obscure Tribal Rituals?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, little shriveled one, Rice is a good school for Texans. For a } really top-notch Obscure Tribal Rituals program, you want to go to } Penn State and enroll in the PSUVM program. A selection from their } catalog: } } PSUVM-203.    The BIFF culture in perspective. } }               HEY, D00DZ, WHAT A GR00VY C0URSE!!!! Y0U GET T0 PLAY }               WITH ALL THEEZ HI-TECK KEEB0ARDZ AND STUFF!!!! LAST }               WEEK I G0T FLAMED BY 1234567890 GUYZ FR0M ALL 0VER THE }               W0RLD!!! G0TTA RUN AND SEE H0W MANY GR0UPZ THE MAILER }               WILL LET ME CR0SSP0ST THIS T0! C0WABUNGA!!!!!!!!!!!!! }               !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! } } PSUVM-219.    Laboratory and field technique in alt.personals. } }               Hot Aryan superstud wants thousands of nympho chicks }               to ride his throbbing ten-inch love spindle. Has laser }               interferometry data to prove it really is ten inches }               +/- 1 inch throb distance. Reply to }               acs-psu@alembic.acs.com. } } PSUVM-276.    Observational anthropology in rec.humor. } }               Hi! This is my firts^H^Hst potsing! How about that!!! }               Did anybpdy hear the joke about the two strings? Oh, }               and could somebody post thje 6000 question purity }               test? Ha, ha, ha!!! } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Coming of Age in Central Pennsylvania" } and a better .newskill facility for vnews.