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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Okay, I admit it.  I am totally lost and confused.  All did was head > down the street, and now everything is like a total blur.  I turned > around to get back to my room, and the city became a pasture.  How am I > supposed to deal with this?  What happened to me?  Help!  Wait a minute, > if I'm still heading down the street, how am I typing the message?  This > is impossi

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ..ble?  It might seem that way, but it's just those little pink pills } you swallowed at lunchtime.  Face it, buckwheat, you either gotta lay } off the hallucenogens, or take the consequences.  The Oracle, of course, } being nearly perfect, does not rely on chemical stimulation to achieve } the much-vaunted altered state of consciousness.  There's this shell } script... } } > freakout } } ...which does the trick quite nicely.  Usually takes a few nanoseconds } for the ruSSSSSSSHHHHH to HIIIIIIT.  PREEEEEETY flowers } pinkandblueandredand yellowandmagentaandpurpletoo flowers growing on the } walls and flying through the air and making love on the floor and little } furry things with bright golden eyes playing hockey on the screen shoot } SAVE!  shoot SCORE!!  They win!dows on the world showing three suns } rising yellow and red and green like giant melon balls on a crystal blue } plate and they're talking to me in French and Russian and IBM Assembly } and..  and...  ahhh..  Doesn't usually last much longer than that. } } You owe the Oracle a goOHYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGODod } treament for flashbacks.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose farts devastate the landscape, whose knowledge > unlocks doors into the unknown...  answer me this humble question: > > How can Smurfette always look so alert and awake, considering that she's > the only female in all of Smurf Village?  Does she use heavy doses of > Vivarin?  Is she on amphetamines?  Does she wake up to loud doses of > Metallica??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay, dude.  While the Smurfs in general are very eager and cheerful, } they can't get at Smurfette.  She wears an industrial strength chastity } belt, that only Papa Smurf has the key to.  This keeps most of the } Smurfs away, except, of course, Handy Smurf.  (They never could keep him } out of stuff.) Anyway, this is only two Smurfs that have "access" to } Smurfette.  Handy is usually more interested in his tools, and Papa } Smurf hasn't bee functioning too well lately, and, well, magic can only } do so much.  Remember that one episode of the Smurfs where they had a } magic egg?  Everyone was turning themselves into Papa Smurf, right? } Well, I'll give you three guesses as to why, and the first two don't } count, get my drift? } } By the way, all the Smurfs love metal, but a good Thrash band will make } them go nuts. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the July '87 issue of Playtoon.  (The one } with the neat spread on morning cartoon females...  OUCH!)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Neat stuff, but what do you expect from these guys?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bit of a non-sequiter, what? Let me analyse this... } } Neat: unadulterated. As in "scotch, neat". } } Stuff: to fill to capacity. } } Butt: to hit with the head (obviously a spelling mistake). } } Watt: A unit of power, also a rating for a light bulb (another spelling }       mistake, I assume). } } OK, now it makes sense. } } Hmmm. I suspect if you didn't drink so much scotch you wouldn't try } to put the lampshade on your head without removing the lamp. Plus, you'd } make fewer spelling mistakes. The burns will heal in time. } } You owe the oracle an invitation to your next party.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> mu?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} obviously, this person is trapped in the delusion that they are a } curious greek cow.  Seek a bovine psychiatrist. } } you owe the oracle a purina cow biscuit.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh X Oracle whose Y is greater then Z.whose V I am not worthy to W. > (while V,W,X,Y,Z are appropriate constants larger then epsilon): > > I would first like to notify you that your wisdom is highly appreciated > even in as far a region as here in Israel.While we were suffering SCUD > missile attacks your wisdom enlightened our days in the sealed rooms. > I can't even start to tell you how important your small pieces of light > were to us in those dark days. > > Here in Israel we have a small problem : while seeing alot of the TV > shows oriented at the US we have no one to ask questions about certain > elements in them, and I hope you could help me discovering this great > truth.This question was asked by a famous TV and movie star, whose name > I will not reveal as advertising in the net is not allowed,but he is > slightly balding and not at all similar to lisa. > > Tell me oh great Oracle: > > Do bears bear ? > > (I know that asking two questions in one letter is not allowed but > this could actually help you: usually the following question to this > is:  Do bees be ? ) > > my regards and great appreciation, and a warm *hug* to lisa,who comforts > us so much. >                                         your israeli fan

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mmm...  well, at least that explains where Lisa has been the last eight } weeks. } } So, do bears bear... } }       Well, do eggs lay chickens?  Of course bears bear, as expounded in } that stunning naturalist documentary series starring Gold E. Lox, } before it was adapted for children. } } And, do bees be... } }       As shakespeare originally wrote (before being misprinted early } this century), `Two bees or not two bees, in fact, no bees at all.' } }       This gives us the basic premise of all life: } }      `If you do, you will bear, these will be, and probably will do } too.' } } -- } You owe the Oracle a gold envelope containing The Meaning of Life, and a } flowerpot with a hand in it. } } ...and send Lisa home on the next troup carrier.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mistah O. > >       My associates and I are gonna go to da "Foxy Boxing" match down > town in a local club.  (Foxy Boxing being pretty goils boxing each other > with nothing on otha than a head protector and mouthpeice..  A female > friend that I work with isupset with me for going.  Se sez that I'm > "disgusting." My que4stion is..  Is Foxy Boxing disgusting and if it's > not should I offer to take this lady with us?  I mean, after 10 long > island ice teas it's conceivable that I could score.  What do youse > think?  Should I go fer it? >                                                       Biff

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You, sir (and I use the term loosely) are disgusting.  "Foxy Boxing" is } disgusting, Long Island Iced Tea is disgusting, and I have nothing more } to say on the matter. } } By the way, what time does the show start?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Summer funding for a student?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And in answer I present several other just as likely } situations: }    Military spending cut in America. }    The war of the sexes ends. }    Ministers pleased with rock music. }    Top 40 music shunned by a musically sensitive youth. }    Things start going OK for Arthur Van Penwinkle. }    Computers understand people. }    People understand computers. }    Elvis ressurected. }    Vending machines that give correct change appear. }    An arcade game that lasts longer than 4 seconds for 75 cents. }    Somebody actually does something constructive for the environment. }    Professors start caring about the grades of students. }    Students start caring about their grades. }    Rambo and Rocky films stop being shown. }    Sylvester Stallone gets a life. }    Dating is made non-sexist by having the women do some asking out. }    A clean method of excreting is developed. }    Flatulation is made a varsity sport along w/burping. }    Poetry regains rhyme and rhythm. }    No more "threats to democracy" rise up. }    America becomes a democracy. }    Presidents elected because of ability. }    "America: Love it or leave it" types leave. }    Holy wars recognized as a contradiction in terms. }    As is military intelligence. }    T.V. recognized as hebetator of America's intellect. }    The intellectuals stop watching T.V. to think of that. }    Somebody finds a cure for ignorance. }    COBOL comes back into style along with FORTRAN. }    Ice cream is made not to drip off of the cone. }    Incarnations of the Oracle stop being asked about Love. }    Incarnations of the Oracle stop asking about Love. }    The Oracle stops asking about Love. }    Smoking is left up to forest fires, not people. }    Weathermen who actually predict the weather. }    Weathermen who actually control the weather. }    A good excuse for Dan Quayle is found. }    A good place for Dan Quayle is found. }    Life is made clear to reason and logic. }    Cynics stop finding their ways as Oracle Incarnations. } }   Well, there are lots more of those similar case possibilities } existing in plentious multitudes.  Don't try to dwell on them. } Instead, create your own religion.  You'll do much better that way. } You owe the Oracle some help on aquiring funds for summer enrollment.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh munificent one, whose love handles have love handles and whose love > organs are hard to handle [and don't get hard when you handle them]... > here is my question. > > Why do they call Spring Break when Spring doesn't start for another > week?  And it's too frigging cold to act like Spring no matter what the > calendar says for at least another two?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is, of course, the time of year when the zen druids of } Eastern Cuhungula would gather for their annual festival.  (You } may have heard of this land, they mentioned it a couple times in } Mission Impossible.)  At the festival, the zen druids would } always drink lots of mead, get drunk, and break their sickles } trying to cut frozen mistletoe.  (You see, it is very cold in } Cuhungula, and good sickles become brittle when they're cold.) } Thus the term 'Break'. } } Over the ages, the zen druids had to change to keep up with the } times, going through the phases of alchemy, voodoo, black magick, } and so on through their current guise of quantum physicists.  The } term 'Spring' is a poke of fun at classical physicists, who think } that everything acts like a spring and can be described in terms } of a sine function. } } So 'Spring Break' is a term used to honour all the great servants } of the pagan gods, from Isaac Newton to those women on Bewitched. } Think of them as you vacation and make like snugglebunnies to } keep warm. } } You owe the Oracle a scroll of relativity written in ancient } Cuhungulan.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are all the salivatingly sexual Oracle responses always written from > the viewpoint of a prepubescent male teenager starved for female > attention?  Are there no queer Oracles?  If there are, will they be > marching in the St. Patrick's Day Parade in New York? > > You owe the Questioner a mug of Irish Coffee and a green condom with the > printed caption "Kiss Me, I'm Irish!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Prepubescent male teenager is a conundrum, not-so-gentle questioner. } The average questioner is a teenaged male starved for a hormone fix. } The Oracle may be a bit eccentric, but She is never "queer".  And, in } this incarnation, female.  As each Incarnation is a logical creation } spawned by the virtual, incarnate Oracle, we are not seperate entities } in any physical sense, and hence cannot march in any parades whatsoever. } } I owe you nothing, sirrah.  You, on the other hand, or dick if you are } the teenaged crunchhead I think you are, owe the Oracle a large apology, } and three cases of green beer.  To make a start on the apology, write } out, by hand [with a pen, if you remember what one of those is!] "I will } not use the word 'queer'" five hundred times.  Send this to the Oracle. } If I think of anything else, you'll know about it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I play conquest all the time when I should be > finishing up my final project in CS210?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Son, I say son.  Are you listen' to me boy? } } Why do you ask the Oracle questions.  Why does the sun not rotate around } the earth.  Why do birds not fly north for the winter.  Why does the } square root of four have to everything but two?  Why am I asking these } irrelevant questions? } } Procrast, I say PROCRASTINATION son.  Pay attention.  Procrastination is } the answer! } } Y'see, if everybody did something instead of nothing, then everybody } would get something done, then there'd be nothing left to do.  Then } everybody would wish they had something to do so they could do nothing } instead. } } Am I gettin' through t' ya boy? } } You owe the Oracle a dozen chicken wings and six pack