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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear O, > >       A lady friend of mine just came up to me and said "A penny for > your thoughts." I told her what I was thinking, she slapped me and then > took off without giving me my penny.  Should I take the law into my own > hands or should I take her to "The Oracle's Court?" I'm completely > pissed pissed about this "Penny for youthoughts" thing.  It's a total > SCAM..  I DEMAND justice! >                                                       The Plaintiff BTW, > I do not have any receipts.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Plaintiff...  he got jipped when a friend offered "a penny for your } thoughts." (that annoying typewriter clacking noise...) } } The Defendant...  Claims she was only speaking metaphorically,and } wouldn't pay for lewd comments about ferrets even if she *was* serious } (same annoying clacking noise) } } "A penny for your ferrets?...  Today on the Oracle's Court.( Judge } Oracle Wopner presiding)" } } *AHEM* will the defendant please approach the bench?  Now, in your own } words, please describe what happened. } } Defendant:  Well, Mr.  Judge,sir, I went up to my friend and began a } conversation.  A penny for your thoughts, I said.  I didn't expect him } to take me seriously.  But then he started talking about how he pictured } me and a few ferrets... } }        ------------------------------------ }        | Censored by ABC central, this    | }        | is a family net you know!!!      | }        |__________________________________| } } ...  so naturally I slapped the pig and walked off in a huff.  The next } thing I know, I get this call from Doug Llewellan telling me to show up } here. } } Judge O.:  I see.  thank you.  Will the plaintiff please approach the } bench?  Now, just what did you have in mind when you talked to the } defendant? } } Plaintiff:  Well, like she said... } }       -------------------------------------- }       | Censored yet again, and this is    | }       | your final warning Judge O.  One   | }       | more word about ferrets and we     | }       | will be forced to shut you down.   | }       |____________________________________| } } ...  so then she walked off without giving me my penny.  So I took her } to court. } } Judge O.:  Waitaminute, you say that you've done *THAT* before?? } Would...  would you happen to have any pictures of that by any chance?? } } Plaintiff:  Uh, yeah sure. } } Judge O.:  good.  Come closer to the bench.  (whispers) } Now,listen,Plaintiff, Normally I wouldn't be able to help you get this } penny.  You see, I'm bound to uphold the laws and since you don't have a } receipt, I can't rule in your favor.  But if you could get me some of } those pictures, I might be able to look the other way while my } stenographer "finds" you a receipt.  Whaddaya say? } } Plaintiff:  I'll get 'em to ya by the end of the day, Judge. } } Judge O.:  Court is in recess until I make my decision.  (turns to } stenographer) Edith, I'd like to talk to you for a moment... } } (ten minutes later) } } Judge O.:  Well, Miss Smarty-Pants defendant, it seems you overlooked } one small detail.  In the recess a court employee...*AHEM*...  found } this receipt!!!!  It clearly shows that you did in fact purchase the } Plaintiff's thought for the price of $0.01 .  Now I suggest you pay up. } After all it's only a measly little penny.  Court finds the defendant } guilty. } } Plaintiff:  Thanks Judge Oracle... } } Judge O.:  No problem,son. } } This concludes today's episode of...  "The Oracle's Court" } } You owe the Oracle those pictures of the ferr... } } URGH!!!  System crash.  Core dumped. } }        --------------------------------- }        | Don't say we didn't warn you  | }        | "Not another word," I believe | }        | we said...                    | }        |_______________________________|

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr. Oracle,  what is your first name?  And while you're at it, what is > MacGyver's first name, and Colombo's first name?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The wisdom of the ages reveals many mysteries.  The great Sysop bestowed } upon me the name Lawrence Livermore Oracle.  It is revealed that } Macgyver's original first name is Maurice, and the good Lieutenant is } named Curlton. } } Verily, we are Moe, Larry, and Curly.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to have sex with every female on earth.  How can I accomplish > this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is sure glad you asked this question.  It's been at least a } week since the *last* time some *ssh*l* asked it!! } } Anyway, before you undertake this task, keep in mind the following: } } 1.  Less than 1% of the females on earth for which this is physically }     possible are human.  If you think your girlfriend gets pissed off }     when she doesn't climax, wait until you make love to a gorilla!! }     You're kinda weird, aren't you? } } 2.  Of those females that are human, about 1/3 are under 18, and this is }     generally frowned upon in Western Civilization.  At 10 years per }     statutory rape conviction, you could be in jail for a l-o-n-g time! } } 3.  Of those females that are human and 18 or older, 10% are over 60. }     Of course, if this sort of thing turns you on, you're really weird. } } 4.  Of those females that are human and between 18 and 59, one is your }     sister, another is your mother.  You're even weirder than I thought. } } 5.  Lastly, of those females that are human, between 18 and 59, and not }     directly related to you, about 10% have some dread social disease }     that would make you undesirable and possibly kill you.  Weren't you }     paying attention when they showed that film in 9th grade? } } Now, if all of the above doesn't deter you, then all you need to do is } fly to India, study with Swami Krisnamurti for 25 years and achieve } true enlightenment and group consciousness. } } You owe the Oracle 3 questions that have nothing to do about sex.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Most Awesome Oracle of Unquestionable Omniscience and Permanent > Diplomatic Immunity from Look and Feel Lawsuits, please hear the > pitiful cries of a mortal seeking release from ignorance! > > Why are bubble soap and honey the only substances that come in > bear-shaped plastic containers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's in the Bears' contract, Part III, Sec H, subsec iix. para. d } clause 1, } } "Forthwith the bears, as a species, will not be subjected to } containerized representations except in the case of honey (the product } of honey bees), and bubble soap, because bears like to take bubble } baths.  All other representations, characterizations, likenesses, } caracitures and replicas, when in the form of a container intended to } hold a substance, shall be explicitly and perpetually prohibited...."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, well, this is an interesting question. Actually, they *don't* } get Teflon to stick to the pan. That is the beauty of it, you } see. You may have noticed that non-stick frying pans gradually } get less and less non-stick as time goes by. This is because the } Teflon is gradually wearing off and disappearing into your food. } Eventually the frying pan becomes totally non-stick, and shortly } afterwards self-destructs to destroy the evidence. } } You see, Teflon has interesting effects upon the human body. When } ingested, it slowly mutates the hapless victim into one of the } most feared beasts on this planet: yes, you're right, a (gasp) } BARGAIN HUNTER!! Anyone who ingests Teflon eventually becomes one } of these, and is doomed to a life of rummaging around in sock } bins, trying to find the cheapest pair. } } This is actually a scheme initiated by the Spancons from the } planet Velcro. The idea is that everyone will eventually turn } into bargain hunters and spend less and less money. The net } result of this will be the collapse of the global economy. They } will then invade and bombard us with cheap imported products } which the bargain hunters cannot resist, and reducing us to } quivering subservience. } } Of course, I am taking a grave risk in telling you this; if they } Spancons should find out, then I... [ SSSHHHHHZZZZZZPPPPAAAAMMM ] } } ( transmission ends in a burst of static ) } } Boy, do you owe the Oracle now, buddy.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is OMD coming out with a new album or is the world just pulling my > chain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OMD is of course an opcode in the standard assembly language used } by MIDI interfaces and music synthesizers worldwide.  I merely } looked up OMD in my MIDI/ASM manual, and it said: } } OMD - Omit Musical Delivery }       PASS:    a : fan support index }                b : bucks galore }       RETURNS: a : pointer to publicity }                b : constant HOOPLA }       FLAGS      : CARRY bit set to 0 } }       This command builds a lot of publicity (returning a pointer }       to this publicity in the 'a' register) and a lot of hoopla on }       systems supporting hoopla.  The main thing it doesn't return }       is an actual album. } } Of course, there must be some bugs in this command, as it has } in fact put out a few albums, and not really all that much } HOOPLA.  Seeing as how these bugs result in such albums as } The Pacific Age (one of this Oracle's faves of all time), it's } a pity said bug isn't reproducable.  And all too sporadic.  Gee, } there's a whole lot of 'codes in this book I never really noticed } before. } } REM - Ruin Entirely by Mumbling }       PASS:   a : fan support index }               b : yet more bucks }       RETURN  a : occasional album }       FLAGS     : OVERFLOW bit set to 1 } }       This command takes some really great music and combines }       it with vocals that are so poorly enunciated as to cause }       many songs to be nearly indistinguishable (from one another). } } Gee, now here's a command that has some bearing on your question: } } FYC - Frustratingly Yank Chain }       PASS:  a : a whole bunch of motor scooters }              b : mo' money mo'money mo'money }       RETURN a : constant HOOPLA }              b : about three good songs tops on two albums }       FLAGS    : ZERO bit set to 0 } }       This command, mistankenly called Fine Young Chemicals by }       some, though favored by many, generates a lot of HOOPLA }       (accessible by means of MTV, SNL, and a variety of other }       TLA commands) generating high expectations, which are then }       dashed as albums are purchased and it's discovered just }       how little good material is on the album. } } That explains a lot - I bought both their albums and was dissappointed } each time.  If only I had known what the initials really stood for... } } I dare you to ask me whatever happened to Romeo Void

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who no doubt has influence with the law officials in Swain > Country, NC: > > Just yesterday, I got a speeding ticket.  I was going 70 mph in a 55 mph > zone.  Here's what I'd like your help with.  I've never gotten a ticket > before in my life.  Surely there's some way I can get out of this.  My > driving record is clean as snow (the unpolluted type).  What really gets > my goat is that I thought I was on the Interstate (big green signs > announcing exits and controled access and all).  There are NO towns > (much less big towns) around, so I figured "speed limit 65," Right? > Well, I figured wrong.  I didn't even get to enjoy feeling like I was > speeding.  I'm willing to beg for mercy and even pay the fine, IF it > will just not go on my record and not increase my insurance (If my > mother and father don't find out, well that would be nice too). > > Thanx soooo much for taking your precious time to help a poor, innocent > grad student. > > P.S.  There is not a defensive driving option to take.  I asked.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since you're a graduate student, You might better understand your rather } limited options if I express them in C: } } if((you.cash > 10,000) || (daddy.job == lawyer) || }   (daddy.job == judge) || (daddy.status == rich)) }   { }   you.self_esteem--; }   hire_lawyer(); }   exit(0); }   } } else }   { }   if((you.home == Chicago) }     if(bribe_judge() == 0)) }       { }       go_to_jail(525); }       exit(0); }       } }     else }       { }       case_dismissed; }       exit(0); }       } }   if((judge.sex != you.sex) || ((judge.sex == you.sex) && }     (judge.orientation == "homo") && (you.orientation == "homo")) }   switch (c = try_to_seduce_judge()) }     { }     case 1: }       { }       case_dismissed(); }       exit(0); }       } }     case -1: }       { }       go_to_jail(730); }       exit(0); }       } }     case 0: }       { }       you.self_esteem--; }       break; }       } }     } }   if(check_ticket_for_errors() == 1) }     { }     case_dismissed(); }     exit(0); }     } }   else }     { }     if(cop_shows_up_in_court() == 0) }       case_dismissed(); }     else }       { }       if((x=strcmp(you.testimony, "mother****ing pig")) || }          (x=strcmp(you.testimony, "nazi")) || }          (x=strcmp(you.testimony, "fascist")) || }          (x=strcmp(you.testimony, "Los Angeles police department"))) }         { }         go_to_jail(1363); }         exit(0); }         } }       else if ((x=strcmp(you.testimony, "apologize")) || }         (x=strcmp(you.testimony, "never do it again")) || }         (x=strcmp(you.testimony, "very, very sorry")) || }         (x=strcmp(you.testimony, "please, I beg of you"))) }         case_dismissed(); }       if(you.appearance == "bug-infested nerd") }         { }         case_settled(215); }         you.insurance.premium=you.insurance.premium + 450); }         exit(0); }         } }       else if(you.appearance == "clean-cut grad student") }         { }         case_settled(125); }         you.insurance.premium=you.insurance.premium + 450); }         exit(0); }         } }       else if(you.ethnic_type == "minority" }         { }         case_settled(2420); }         you.insurance.cancelled(); }         exit(0); }         } }       else }         { }         random_settlement(); }         exit(0); }         } }       } }     } }   } } } You owe the Oracle two Solo radar detectors (his 'n' hers, one for } Lisa), two get-out-of-jail-free cards, and a good C++ compiler.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle whose name i am not fit to capitalize > why oh why nust I do Data Orginisation and program in > evil modula that has things like ^.*left=:insanity???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} INDEED, AND modula IS ALSO NOT FIT TO CAPITALISE. } } The evil modula must be banished from the the net, nay the world, nay } the universe.  The ORACLE will help you on your great quest to destroy } this menace to our socity, with the following advice: } } Firstly avoid the one who calls himself 'Pascal', as he is the step } brother of the evil modula.  He will lead you along the winding road to } insanity. } } On your way, do not be tripped by the C monster who lurks in the maze of } mallocs, ready to spring his cunning segmentation trap on the unwary. } } And then of course there is the dreaded BASIC robot.  Do not be deceived } by the name, for it is 800 lines tall and will hide all of your Data } Organisation under a large heap of rotting GOTO's. } } And lastly, avoid the one who calls hereself LISP for she is a } priestess, who is) abl))e to )()thro)w )()(the dreade)(((d brack(((et } spel)ls at))ran(dom))))))))))aaarrrggggg))))))she has) found } me)))))))help!))))))))))) } } You owe the ORACLE a new set of adventuring boots and a bracket removal } spell.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do woman know things that men don't know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     The answer to your question is simple.  "The Film".  Don't you } remember when, in the sixth grade, all of the girls in your class were } taken into a room to watch a film?  Well, there were no boys in the room } were there?  So, from the sixth grade on, women have always known things } that men don't know.  "The Film" will surely remain one of the great } mysteries to man.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the purpose of mucus?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pleased to meet you. [Oracle extends right hand in greeting] }                      [Supplicant shakes Oracle's hand] } Mucus is simply a way of telling a person how much you REALLY like them. }                      [Supplicant notices slimy substance on hand }                       and runs away in sheer terror, wiping his hand on }                       anything and everything.  Little does he know the }                       sticking power of Oracular snot!] } } See, you'll have a bit of me to remember me by for a long time to come. } } You owe the Oracle a years supply of Puffs.