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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was lying in the park with this chick named Samantha.  Actually, I was > whispering in her ear.  Suddenly this eight-year-old kid comes up to me, > kicks me in the arm, and says "Get your nose off my tutor or I'll nail > an angel to your mind." Ordinarily I wouldn't care pay much attention, > but this kid has a biker under one arm and a hammer in the other.  I got > the fuck out of there.  (Samantha won't speak to me.) If this happens > again, what should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You did the right thing, but you missed one detail.  When this happens } again (That kid will be back like a recurring nightmare) you should } point out that his biker has a flat, grab Samantha and THEN get the fuck } out of there. } } Thuth Thpeaketh the Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh great one! Oh wisest one of those silicon-based life forms! > Please advise me, for I know not what I should do. I have recently > contracted a very embarassing problem. I am not able to control my > passing of wind, especially in the presence of young ladies; I happen > to be a het male. This (the fact that I can't control my wind) has > played havoc with my social life, ruining many a chance I would > otherwise have had of bedding some hot babe. What do I do? >       Double Whammy

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have several options open to you: } 1) you can go find an indian guru skilled in the art of sphincter }    control.  If you study with him for ten years, you will gain the }    ability to control your sphincter muscles at will. } 2) give up chasing hot babes. } 3) put a cork in it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> have a nice day.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question is: } }       What phrase is the most annoying in the English language? } } Surprisingly, this phrase that you mention is an ancient Mesopotamian } War Cry - "Haffan Istaaay" - which literally translates to "Free Mr. } Istaaay or we shall slaughter your wombat herd!!!"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Warum ist dieser Frage in deutch grfragt?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ich bin ein Berliner!  Ach, ja!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Fractalistic Oracular Highthing, whose rectal gases I am not fit to > smell, tell me:  what is the best way for a man to die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best way for a man to die is when he has achieved the highest state } of happiness that it is possible for mortals to possess.  Thus, the best } way to die would be for that mortal to have a heart attack while engaged } in some sexually deviant behavior. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the book:  _Everything You Always Wanted to } Know about Sex but were Afraid to Ask_

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why am i such a nerd?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To answer that question, I must delve deep within the innermost secrets } of Zen, Mahayana, and Therevada, and examine the essence of nerd.  This } is not a simple question, and as such, it may not be answered very } easily.  But if you must know, you are such a nerd because of the } tremendous # of hours you spend in front of a terminal typing in these } questions, and because of the bow tie, horn-rimmed glasses, and } suspenders you wear.  You owe the Oracle another ridiculous "Revenge of } the Nerds" sequel/

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Purdue is so much better than IU?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} purdue is the very much worse than iu.  Purdue cold and slimy, hate } thought of using purdue, gives me the shivers.  not so good for sex } partner either.  purdue have much the salmonella.  purdue not so good } for the contraceptive value unless placed in exact spot.  purdue have } bones which stick, not for me is the turn-up, maybe for you i don't } know.  not into the pain very much, especially not the small flesh } wounds in the hard-to-clean parts of the body.  very bad idea, using the } purdue instead of the iu.  iu not such a good thing either, be very } sure.  iu dangerous sometimes, make wearer very clean.  look at the } diagram for the better.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most gracious and wise, tell me before catastrophe strikes - > Which way is the men's room?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The men's room is the door with a picture of a guy in a dress on it. } The Women's room is the one with a picture of a woman in pants on it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Shit, seven out of ten capitalists surveyed said Christopher Columbus > was a field mouse.  Jim-fucking-dammit, does this indicate the collapse > of western civilization or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fuck yes!  the Goddamn Commies are going to take over with their } eat-shit-and-die attitude!  8 out of 10 fucking liberals think } Christopher fucking Columbus was a fucking gerbil.  This indicates the } demise of fucking in general. } } You owe the oracle a bar of ivory.  Upon receipt you will get a } dictionary from which you can pluck letters to expand your vocabulary to } words with more than four letters.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best joke you ever heard?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why can't Polish women be ballerinas? } Because when they do splits, they stick to the floor.