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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From:   DOE, JANE ANN        [name changed to protect the innocent -sk] > > DOE, JANE ANN > Student

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excuse us, but aren't *We* supposed to be the one } speaking with sentence fragments and obscure meanings? } Unless, of course, you are practicing to become an Oracle... } } But wait a minute...revelation is near... } Yes! } Yes! } Yes! } The revelation is at hand... } } ------------------------------------------------------ } % rlogin jeopardy.combination_adventure_gameshow.com } Password: <SajakSux> } } Welcome to Jeopardy. } Here is a list of the rules for the game. } WARNING: You explicity agree to all disclaimers and waivers } included in the rules when you begin play. } } In Jeop^C } } Category, please? } } >>> "The Omniscience of USENET" for $100 } } These are questions dealing with the USENET Oracle. } The answer is: } } > From:   DOE, JANE ANN } > } > DOE, JANE ANN } > Student } } >>> What are the names and occupations of any porcine creatures }     that consult the Oracle? } } I'm sorry, but the question is: } What is the most opaque consultation of the Oracle in March 1991? } } >>> consult judges } } The judges agree that your question is incorrect. } } >>> whine bitterly } } Your incessant whining has stopped the taping. } Security guards are dragging your butt out the door, } and a standby contestant is taking your place. } No consolation prizes for you, bucko. } } >>> consult lawyers } } With the disclaimers you agreed to, doofus, you're } lucky that the producers of Jeopardy don't sue *you*. } You owe us $150 for the consultation. } } >>> logout } Disconnect at remote host. } % } ------------------------------------------------------ } } You owe the Oracle an autographed picture of Alex Trebek.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From:   STUDENT, JOE           [more name changes -sk] > > Why do people say "God bless you" when you sneeze? > > STUDENT, JOE > Student

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From:   STUDENT, JANE } } Howdy Joe!!  I see that you have to do this dumb assignment too!  I } honestly have no idea why people say "god bless you" when you sneeze. } Sorry!!!  If you haven't gone on spring break yet, have a great one!!!!! } Jane. } } STUDENT, JANE } Student

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My last question to you got eaten over the network.  This got me > wondering, what sort of messages do networks like most?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Well now, that is a very good question.  The all powerful oracle } of course knows the answer, but here's how to find out for yourself: } }       1) Remove the connection from the back of the machine... } }       2) Place the connection in some bodily orifice (just what Lisa } loves to do when I am out of town and can only talk to her over the net } :-) } }       3) Meditate strongly on the deep existential meaning of Michael } Jackson's Thriller Album. } }       4) Chant the Mantra "T-C-P ...  IP, T-C-P...IP" } }       5) If successful you are now "ONE WITH THE NETWORK" } } And the answer should be obvious, since the bodily orifice will now fill } up with all the messages that the network rejects. } } You owe the Oracle some mouthwash and an enima.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Most Wise and Literary One, >    I am working on an English paper and I desperately need to > know if Shakespeare really said: >       "It is better to have been laid and left >        then never to have been laid at all."? >    thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed he did, but it was a hell of a party.  He said a lot of other } things, too, like this, proclaimed while considering his fourth dessert } of the evening: } } Tubby or not tubby?  That is the question: } Whether 'tis nobler in the minds of men } To suffer the pangs and harrows of NutriSystem } Or to abdicate, and scarf down more goodies! } To eat, to swell, perchance to burst - } A consumption devoutly to be wish'd. } } And, just before sliding into a drunken stupor amid the soiled rushes: } } A Scotsman by name of MacBeth } Did his friend and his liege lord to death } He was left to a life } All alone with his wife } Who had dandruff, cold feet, and bad breath. } } You owe three sonnets in praise of the Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE THREE STARS IN A STRAIGHT LINE IN THE BIG > DIPPER?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Moe, Larry, and Curly. } } No, wait a minute...  that's not right... } } Tom, Dick, and Harry?  Huey, Dewey, and Louie??  Winken, Blinken, and } Nod??  Matthew, Mark, and Luke??  Maybe Leroy, Melvin, and Jimmy Lee... } three of the four Teenage Mutant Redneck Turtles (the fourth is, of } course, Bubba). } } Hang on...  let me consult the great tome of worthless information... } } <flip, flip, flip> } } The names are Melissa, Jennifer, and Crystal. } } Hmm...  I think I may have to take up star gazing again.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT IS THE STUFF THAT GROWS BETWEEN YOUR TOES WHEN YOU HAVEN'T TAKEN A > SHOWER IN A WHILE?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is an alien life form, a despicable parasite from planet X in the } Horserear Nebula.  These foul alien fiends invaded the earth many eons } ago.  for a while they grew uncontrollably and nobody knew how to stop } them.  Then one day a well known caveman by the name of Og found the } means to destroy these fiends.  He had been entirely covered in the } alien slime, which starts at your toes and moves gradually up your body. } In his pained thrashing and flailing he happened to fall into a pit of } water, which cavemen usually avoided.  As the water came into contact } with the alien Fungoids, they dissolved into harmless protoplasmic } residues (Kinda like the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz...).  To his } surprise, Og was not only saved, but he was a lot cleaner too.  For a } while he was sad that his favorite weapon had been destroyed.  He used } to be able to kill a rampaging Allosaurus with his BO from fifty feet } away.  Soon, he came to the conclusion that it was better to be alive } than to be coated with mildew parasites.  To his utter horror, the } Fungoids began to grow again after a day or so.  Thus began the } primitive life saving ritual that you mortals now know as showering } and/or bathing.  When you don't bathe regularly, the Fungoids start a } new assault upon your defenseless bodies and only by subjecting them to } water and a ritual cleanser know to your people as "Irish Spring" can } they be destroyed. } } You owe the Oracle...  well, just remember:  Next time you send a } question, use a keyboard/terminal that doesn't just use all caps,huh? } That really causes eye strain...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the chances that Bobby Knight will coach at Texas A&M ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a very difficult and chalenging question, for which the Oracle } must search deep withing its memory banks. Please hold the line. } } (Meanwhile here is some music...dum de dum de dum di-di-di-dum la la la } la la dee dee dee... } } We appologise for this delay, we are continuing with your question... } } Oracle: Hey where's my backup memory got to ? } Priest: I don't know it was here a minute ago. } Priest2: I just jumped up an stole our delivery lorry! } Oracle: Oh no, quick chase it, bring me my bike. } } Oracle (peddling very fast along the highway): gasp gasp } Police Officer (on motorbike):  Hey man, whats your game?  You are doing }         91 mph. } Oracle:  I'm trying to catch up with my memory, its in that truck up }         ahead. } Officer: In that case, I'll stop it for you. } } One long police chase all, the way to Texas later... } } Oracle: Ah at last , got you. } Memory: Wow, that was fun. } Officer: Now listen here, its an offence to park on someones garden. } } A door opens and a very annoyed looking coach steps out. } } Mr Knight: Oy, you've squashed all of my roses! } Oracle: Sorry. } Mr Knight: I'm in a really bad mood now, for when I coach the Texas team }          tomorrow. } } Officer: You have the right remain silent.... } } Oracle (from the back of a police car): Call my lawyer! } } You owe the Oracle $400 dollars in bail money, and a packet of rose } seeds for Bobby Knight.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O powerfull being, the omniscient ruler of all trivial knowledge, >       I have a question that I'm sure has no answer. If Mickey Mouse > is a mouse and pluto is a dog, of what realm of the animal > kingdom is Goofy.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is one of the more sordid tales of the Disney saga. } } Goofy and Pluto are actually brothers.  They both grew up with Mickey } Mouse in the 1930s and 1940s, and were heavily into the underground jazz } that was so prevalent at the time.  That's why you hear so much of it in } Disney cartoons.  They used to go backstage after the band had stopped } playing (they WERE television stars, you know) and smoke lots of reefer } with the musicians (it wasn't illegal back then.) Tinseltown and jazz } are too much for anyone, and they began to experiment with more drugs, } eventually building up to what was the hardest hallucinogen around in } those days -- psilocybin, or mushrooms.  Pluto, sadly, is the victim of } bad mushrooms. } } Goofy and Mickey didn't know what do to.  Goofy still loved Pluto like a } brother (for obvious reasons), but couldn't take care of him.  And he } sure couldn't continue his normal acting career.  So they confessed } their drug use to Walt Disney, who was sympathetic and decided to cast } Pluto as Mickey's dog.  (Pluto could still handle that much -- they } didn't need to write a script for him.) And so he was allowed to } continue his acting career without anyone knowing what had really } happened. } } Incidentally, Mickey turned on Walt to reefer, and that's why something } like "Fantasia" came out before the '60s. } } You owe the Oracle a kilo of Jamaican flowertops and some groovy sax.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is your score on the 500 question purity test?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question is meaningless.  The Oracle transcends all mundane concepts } of purity:  An omniscient being has full knowledge of all possible } experiences, states, and conditions, and is therefore simultaneously } infinitely worldly and pristinely pure (and knows lots of adverbs).  The } Oracle has the glorious and goriest details of all possible acts, } actions, and activities.  And if you don't start including some flattery } and kowtowing in your questions, the Oracle will start downloading a } choice selection of that knowledge directly into your brain.  How'd you } like REMEMBER having twelve gerbils crawling about your large intestine? } Or being serially raped by gangrenous lepers? } } Lisa, on the other hand, has taken all those tests.  Several entirely } new branches of mathematics had to be invented in order to analyze the } results.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was going to ask you why is there air, but I remembered Bill Cosby > already answered that one.  Instead I'll ask you, why is there Bill > Cosby?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Without the semi-almighty Bill, there would be } a) no answer for the question, "Why is there air?" } b) no reason for the existence of Captain Kangaroo, }    since Bill Cosby's "Picturepages" segments are }    the only thing keeping the show alive. } c) less abuse of honorary degrees (William H. Cosby, }    Ed.D.), leading to a renewed interest in actual }    learning in America, which would be disastrous }    for the networks. } and, } d) A gap in the space/time/net continuum where the }    question, "Why is there Bill Cosby" should be. }    cf. _It's a Wonderful Life_. } } You owe the Oracle twenty acres and a mule.