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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's NCAA basketball tournament time, and I'm in a betting pool.  Why oh > why didn't Syracuse win?  And why oh why didn't Nebraska win? > > <whimper>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you bet that they would! } } I guess I should have told you this earlier.  We've been fooling you all } along.  You don't have a real life.  You're just a disembodied spiritual } being trapped in a theta pole, and we've been giving you hallucinations } that you construed as your current life in what you thought was your } current body.  We've been doing an experiment to see whether or not a } spirit really needs a body, or if he's just as happy hallucinating that } he has a body.  Preparations for the next nuclear war, you know.  We } will all need something to do if there's no bodies on Earth to } reincarnate ourselves into. } } But anyways, the reason you didn't win, and the reason your life is so } boring compared to what you see on TV, and the reason neither of the } teams that you bet for won...  well, did you ever notice that everyone } seems to be against you?  That's because they are!  We set it up that } way!  You're going to live out this entire life, glued to a computer } screen, tossing off to pictures in the bathroom, because that's what we } feel like doing to you!  Live with it!  Hahahahahahah!  So if you ever } wondered why you didn't have a life...  it's because you really don't! } } ...BTW, insulting computer geeks is another sure-fire way to get into } the Oracularities.  As you see. } } You owe the Oracle nothing.  I think you've had enough for one day.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> IS LOVE EVERLASTING?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, STOP SHOUTING!!  IF EVERYBODY STARTED SHOUTING OVER THE } NET, NO ONE WOULD BE ABLE TO HEAR (OR READ FOR THAT MATTER) AFTER A } WHILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! } } Now where was I?  Oh yes, the question of everlasting love.  There is } love, and there is *love*.  It is possible for both types to be ever- } lasting, but that is so rare in the Universe that these instances are } the stuff of legend.  *Love* is by far, more likely to last, as any- } one who has felt the grip of la forza del passione can tell you.  It } simply has more energy to keep it going. } } But enough of the stock answer!  I feel really generous this week, so } I'll fill you in on a little secret:  There is an unchanging quantity } of love in the universe, just like entire matter/energy goop.  That's } to say, that love is constantly in flux as far as the Universe is con } cerned, but can locally be stable.  Scholars of Quantum Love equate } "everlasting love" with cosmic singularities, but it is a new field } of study, so don't be alarmed.  But it does mean that the love you } are feeling might be depriving someone on Sirius... } } You owe the Oracle a General Unified Theory of Love.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT IS A HOOSIER?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HOOSIER - (who'-zh-urr) 1. n. big fan of Dr. Seuss classic }            "Horton Hears a Hoo" [from the Greek.]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the sky blue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Earth was long ago kidnapped by an interstellar race of } xeno-biologists, who have been studying the development of life on this } and other planets.  Transporting the entire planet to their home system } in the Andromeda galaxy, they enclosed it in a vast teleportational } sphere to prevent their own detection.  Interacting with a companion } shell now circling Sol in the former orbit of Earth, the shell } flawlessly transmits matter and energy from within the Earth-enclosing } shell to the Sol system, and vice versa.  Thus, from our perspective, it } is impossible to detect our transposition, while our captors have full } access to our every activity.  The one flaw in this magnificent } technology is that white light passing into the shell-pair has a } tendency to produce a pale blue glow.  This glow, however, is a } necessary by-product of any form of energy teleportation. } } So, the short answer to your question is "To get to the other side." } } You owe the Oracle a chicken.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHO WILL BE PRESIDENT BUSH'S RUNNING MATE IN 1992?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nobody. President Bush is going to be assasinated in December of '91 } by the Pro-Choice party, after he successfully pushes through his } Aniti-abortion ammendment to the consittution. This assasination will } then be delared a "retroactive abortion" and the pro-choice party } will evolve into the USA's first terrorist organization. } } In 1992 Quayles running mate will be Opus. After nobody is able to } convince him that Opus has declined the nomination the republican } party eventually dressed up Henry Kissenger in a penguin suit and } lost to the independant american communist party. } } Following that, the PCR (pro-choice radicals) will bomb the White House } and instigate a reign of terror which continues until martial law is } instigated and Quayle/Opus were finally installed in the White House. } } This is however only one of two possible futures. In the Other future } The Anti-Abortion ammendment will die stillborn and Bush's running } mate was Quayle. That future is however too terrible for even the } Oracle to contemplate.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh wonderful oracle whose body glistens like a moonlit lake: > > What is your favorite sexual position?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What follows is an excerpt from ``The Oracle's Big Book 'O Luv.'' All } rights to this volume are owned solely by the Oracle. Most of this book } would probably be classified as obscene by the U.S. government, so it } has not been published in hundreds of years. } } She places the moose antlers upon her head, } spreads wide her legs, } placing the soles of her feet on two squirrel skins. } This is ``Bullwinkaliana'' (The moose in desire) } } Grasping the earlobes } of the woman, whose buttocks } are like two ripe watermelons } nibble on her nose } and give her a noogie } } With balloons strapped to your body } approach her on a pogo stick } and dive towards her } avoiding the antlers } and make love like crazed weasels. } experts call it ``Idiohandavau'' (Sex between idiots) } } You owe the Oracle an evening of passion. } } "The Oracle's Big Book O' Luv" is (c) 1990 Oracle, Inc.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle who Hulk will not smash, please help Hulk... > Hulk not been feeling the same for a while.  Every time Hulk have chance > to do proper mass destruction, he feel like singing Operas instead.  Is > this some trick of puny Banner to get Hulk to be decent part of > society??  If not puny Banner, then who is making Hulk sing when Hulk > want to smash?? > > Hulk is getting angry, he... > >  FIGARO!  FIGARO,FIGARO,FEEEEEEEEEGARO!  FIGARO LA!  FIGARO LA!  FIGARO > LUM-TEE DUM-TA LUM-TEE DUM-DA-DAAAAH!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hulk, dude...it's all very simple.  Banner was given a choice by the } government; he could stop Hulk's rampages by either introducing him to } the fine arts or removing his testicles (i.e.  his own testicles). } } I think you know which was wise decision so.... } } You owe the Oracle tickets to your next performance of The Hulk Sings } the Hits.  (a.k.a.  Hulk Sings Hits, ug.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT DOES "WE WILL, WE WILL, SHAFT YOU!!!!" MEAN?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My dear, dear child.  How did you ever get this far in life without } discovering this essential secret in life. } } Pay close intention to the words, my follower. } } WE :  Personal pronoun -- plural -- this is important } } WILL : Verb -- implies willingness and determination } } SHAFT : Slang perjorative for penis } } YOU : Second person pronoun -- singular or plural } } Okay, now.  Are you following me so far? } } Now, obviously the chanters of this phrase are implying a willingness } to perform certain activities using a penis to or with the listener } or listeners. } This may or may not be good news. } } Consider:  the sex of the chanter }            your sex }          number of persons involved on both sides } } Does this situation look appealing? } Experimentation is the sign of a healthy mind. } } You owe the oracle a videotape of all experiments performed.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where are these blasted "students" coming from?  Why doesn't someone > give their location to NORAD? > > Hoping this msg gets past the evil students to the REAL oracle?  A > supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From:  PRIHODA, WARREN MATTHEW } } I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEEN MR. SUPPLICANT.  WHAT'S A NORAD?  I DON'T } STUDY EVIL VERY MUCH.  I'M A HISTORY MAJOR.  IS "A" FOR ARTHUR?  THAT'S } A VERY SEXY NAME MR. SUPPLICANT I REALY HOPE IT IS. } } PRIHODA, WARREN MATTHEW } Student

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O beloved oracle most wise, custodian of all knowledge worth knowing > and perhaps even some stuff that isn't worth knowing: > > Why is it that women go to the bathroom in groups?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now we all know one of the reasons too well (not the _real_ one) - } That old womenfolk habit of G * O * S * S * I * P !!!! } Sure, they want to talk about their dates, S.O.'s, etc.  Talk about whos } zipper is undone - who has a zit on their face - who has a booger } hanging out of his nose - who has a dead end job - who's a geek, etc. } (makes you feel real good doesn't it guys!) Generally talk about } _anything_.  Did anyone forget to take her pill that day - who's husband } is sleeping with whom, etc. } } We can also rule out the possibility of the opposite question asked of } men.  (that is - It's _not_ the same reason men go to the bathroom } _alone_) } } No, after extensive research and polls, we find the _real_ reason women } go to the bathroom in groups is... } None of them really know where their going - and they feel better } getting lost or embarrassed in a covey rather than alone.