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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I think the standards of your academy are slipping.  Most of the > stupider alcolytes adorn their messages with either: > > ---------- > From: IDIOT, JOHN QUINCY > > (Lame answer) > > IDIOT, JOHN QUINCY > Student > ---------- > > or > > ---------- > From: VMail User > > (Lamer answer) > ---------- > > What is going on?  More importantly, what can you do about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I can really appreciate your problem since this Oracular incarnation } just answered: } }  From:    VMail User }  WHY ISN'T MY STUPID VM NOTE NOT WORKING? } } Needless to say, I was irked by the lack of respect and consideration. } Of course, the real question is "who is VMail User?"  Clearly, Mr. } User has a lot of time on his hands, since he asks the Oracle } a lot of questions.  The key word here is "IBM." } } Back when VM was a mere heap of junk instead of a vast wasteland, IBM } hired a bright young programmer named Vmail User.  Vmail got very } excited about VM, and he decided to dedicate his life to it.  He even } changed the capitalization in his first name.  Of course, the key } concept in VM is the "virtual machine."  You can make one real machine } look like dozens, hundreds, even thousands of machines.  Well, to make } a long story tedious, VMail had an accident one day involving a power } surge, a cup of coffee, an IBM 370 CPU, two dimes, a large fan, an old } Playboy magazine, and a tube of toothpaste.  Zap!  Pow!  When the } smoke cleared, there was several hundred virtual VMail Users.  IBM } loved it since he had the salary of one real employee, but the } productivity of hundreds.  VMail loved it because he could read his } Playboys while working hard. } } Unfortunately, fate took a cruel turn when VMail discovered the } Oracle.  Since then the Oracle has spent an incredible amount of time } talking to Mr. User.  It's particularly irritating when VMail asks } stupid technical questions or when he asks the same question fifty } times before realizing he had already asked it.  Snarl. } } You owe the Oracle several hundred virtual Oracles.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From:   USER, JOE             [name changed -sk] > > HOW DO YOU SAY EARRING IN SPANISH? > > USER, JOE > Student

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Earring ...  in Spanish?  Oh, lemme see.  Lemme just think a second. } Lemme just think ACK!  Just think ACK!  Just ACK ACK ACK! } } ###process: oracle   forking... } ###process: oracle   forked } } O1: Obviously some college student with } a midterm coming up on Spanish.  Wants } to do well.  Better just give him the } answer else he'll fail.  I couldn't } stand to see Joe fail. } }                               O2: FLAME HIM!  He's just another }                               dumb-ass English major who's thrilled }                               with the idea of Internet!  He's using }                               you!  Tell 'im to fuck off!  Tell him }                               he's a computer geek who can't get }                               any sex!  Flame the bastard! } } O1: Flame him?!  He's just asking a } simple question! } }                               O2: Simple's right!  To call him }                               slow would be an insult to slow }                               people! } } O1: He just wants a simple } definition. } }                               O2: How about, "USER, JOE, see }                               DIPSHIT!?" } } O1: Oh come on.  It could be a funny } question, you know?  Take the idea } and call up a couple computer nets, } looking for a definition?  Log on } to the MexNet, and talk to some } AI program that says, "I geeve you } good defeeneeshun, yais?  Reel } good defeeneeshun!"  Could be } funny, now. } }                               O2: How absolutely trite!  Face it, }                               dude, no way the reply is making }                               it into Oracularities!  It's Joe's }                               fault because he's too lame to think }                               up a good question!  FLAME THE GEEK! } } O1: Now, now, will you just help me } think?  A few sentences of verse, } maybe.  "I think I might have lost } my hearing, did you say that^D } }                               O2: Just spare me the rhyme.  Just }                               do that for me.  Just spare me that }                               evil fucking rhyme I see looming in }                               about five syllables.  There is }                               NOTHING YOU CAN DO to reply to this }                               dumb-ass, get it?  Call him a sexless }                               bimbo and let's rejoin processes! } } O1: Oblique sexual references to Lisa? } }                               O2: He's a computer science student }                               and he's male!  He won't understand! } } O1: Random Monty Python references? } }                               O2: Not acceptable since Chapman died! } } O1: So you're saying I should flame } him? } }                               O2: FLAME HIM! } } O1: Flame him? } }                               O2: FLAME HIM! } } >From:         USER, JOE } > } >ARE YOU STILL THERE ORACLE? I WANT TO KNOW HOW YOU SAY EARRnononononono } >GODnonottheflamethrowerAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA } } "Aretes." } } You owe the Oracle a fire extinguisher.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the correct name of Marilyn Quayle's hairstyle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're a graduate student, aren't you?  Only graduate students } come up with questions that sick. } } The correct name for Marilyn Quayle's hairstyle is: } }  "Gwanllyllphigmagili!straHnkankankerungerblattisph&lt- }     Traxwizzyllphigmagili!squippledanfortherungerblattisph&lt- }     Vwockregstrunggllyll" } }      where '!' represents the tongue-click found in Xhosa and }                           other African languages, } }            'H' represents the German 'ch', which sounds like }                           clearing your throat, } }            '&' represents blowing your nose as loud as possible. } } The name is obviously Welsh.  It means "Crows nested here once, } then saw her face and left.  Pigeons nested here once, then } saw her husband and left.  Vultures still circle here." } } You owe the Oracle some Pepto-Bismol, and a picture of yourself } after you've said the name three times really fast without breathing.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most wise Oracle > >   Tell me why UNIX (c)  is so un-user friendly.  It's just so > AAARRRRRRGGG!!!!!!!! > > Forever in your dept

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, unix is a very user-friendly system.  Its just that it is } particular about which users it chooses to be friendly with.  This is a } fairly common feature with highly sophisticated operating systems, } especially those resulting from the AI project at MIT.  (AT&T, of } course, is one of the more active recruiters at MIT.) } } You have, however, taken one of the first steps towards becoming a } 'Friend of Unix' (tm).  The USENET Oracle is known to be a close friend } of unix, and service to the Oracle is very likely to earn you points } with unix. } } Other things you might do: } } 1.  Participate in any USENET language discussions you find, especially }     those comparing C to any other language.  Disparage the other }     language, praise C as highly as possible.  Imply that writing in the }     other language is beneath your dignity as a Programmer.  (You earn }     double points on Tuesdays or if the other language is COBOL.) } } 2.  Attempt to set up an e-mail gateway between either the Internet or }     UUCP and another network environment.  Unfortunately, the easy }     candidates like Fidonet have already been taken.  Try GEnie, America }     Online, or the Home Shopping Network. } } 3.  You must, at some point soon, choose your stance on the GNU project. }     It probably doesn't make any difference which side you choose, as }     long as your defense of or complaints about the FSF are virulent. } } 4.  Stop using whatever mail or news programs you currently have access }     to and switch to emacs for both functions. } } 5.  If your employer/university doesn't have a unix source code license, }     lobby for getting one.  (It isn't true that the Oracle gets a }     commission on these, but be sure to mention My name, just in case.) } } 6.  Join the battle to save alt.sex.pictures.  Write threatening letters }     to the Houston Chronicle and Ann Landers.  (Dear Abby is aready one }     of *them*.) } } When you have earned enough unix points, you will be admitted to the } lowest level of the unix priesthood.  Don't call us, we'll call you. } } PS--The Oracle denies that you are part of his department, or even his }     division.  Heck, you aren't even in his league.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Were Julia Roberts' lips injected with silicon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Silicon?  The Oracle, being an all-knowing computer, } recognizes silicon in all its forms.  However, the } Oracle has never met Julia Roberts up close.  Therefore, } more data is required. } } The Oracle has assembled a receptor module for the } purpose of collecting this data.  This module has been } designed to resemble an ordinary human, so as to be } inconspicuous.  Implanted within the lips of this module } is a silicon detector. } } The module is identified by the name Heath Hart and } is located at Virginia Polytechnic Institute.  As soon } as possible, please arrange for Miss Roberts to press } her lips against the silicon detector of the module, } and your answer will be forthcoming. } } The module is equipped to detect traces of silicon in } the tongue, breasts, and other body parts.  (Mrrrowrrr!) } } If you can accomplish this, then the Oracle owes you.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does she like me or am I just dreaming?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It depends upon what sort of pet 'she' is. } } If she is a cat: only when it pleases her, eg. mealtimes, when she wants }                  to go outside to shit on other peoples lawns, or when }                  she is about to present you with a litter of eleven }                  kittens. } } If she is a dog: she is loyal to you except when she is on heat.  When }                  the population of dogs in your immediate area suddenly }                  increases so that your front lawn looks like the local }                  pound, worry. } } If she is a goldfish: Blub blub.  All these blub creatures do blub is }                  blub swim around blub and blub say "blub" a blub lot. }                  (As opposed blub to "bulb" which blub they say blub }                  when they blub blub swim back blub wards or are blub }                  blub dead.) } } If she is a hamster: These creatures do not reciprocate the love and }                  affection that you give them.  They are only given to }                  kids by parents as pets so that the kids can learn some }                  responsibility, and because only a small hole is needed }                  to bury them when the kids fail to learn.  They are }                  also kept by certain adults along with large rolls of }                  masking tape for reasons that I refuse to identify in }                  front of the children. } } If she is a gerbil: These animals are functionally equivalent to a }                  hamster.  See hamster. } } If she is an elephant: You have chosen an affectionate pet indeed. She }                  even knows how to get her own meals.  However, there }                  are a few problems with keeping an elephant in the }                  city.  They have trouble fitting into the average }                  apartment.  They tend to leave enormous turds that defy }                  the most ambitious pooper-scooper.  They eat 200 pounds }                  of food a day.  And burying a dead elephant is a major }                  task that takes a week, an acre and lots of good solid }                  earthmoving equipment. } } If she is a pig: She is affectionate, loving and is a good pet.  She can }                  also be trained like a dog, and will eat anything. }                  However, local regulations prohibit the keeping of pigs }                  in the city.  Secrecy is advised.  Housetraining is }                  essential. } } If she is a budgerigar: She will love you if you would only open the }                  door of her cage.... } } If she is a totem pole: Get psychriatic help immediately. } } If she is a rat: Love isn't as important as understanding with these }                  pets, although she is affectionate.  She can be trained }                  to perform great practical jokes with unsuspecting and }                  unwelcome guests. } } If she is a snake: Remember to feed her regularly, as she might other- }                  wise get a bit _too_ affectionate.  Feed her the kids' }                  hamsters. } } You owe the Oracle a pooper scooper for my elephant, and a new budgie.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Magnanimous Oracle: >       How do you make lead out of gold?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} lead from gold?  what a curious question.  The Oracle knows of two ways } to do this.  The first is not at all messy, and reversable even } } method #1 }               gold }               geld }               meld }               mead }               lead } } simple, wasn't it? } } method #2 } }       This one is not nearly as easy as the first, and will require a } substantive cash out lay and a lot of legwork on your part.  It is also } highly unreliable, yielding a success rate of only 23%, and is } potentialy fatal (explosions are an integral part of alchemy). }       Go get a passport if you need one, and book yourself on a flight } to Brazil.  You need to go wander around the deep unexplored parts of } the Rain Forest.  Once there, after a week, if you are properly lost and } have been chanting the appropriate mantra "I'm lost, I'm lost, I'm gonna } die, oh shit oh shit oh shit" (or a similar variation.  The stronger } your choice of expletives, the better chance of success) you should } stumble unexpectedly into a small clearing.  There will be a small man } there who looks like he should have died five hundred years ago.  He } will explain to you the alchemical process for turning gold into lead, } which is much harder than lead into gold (The Oracle has tried this } several times with no success).  Take comprehensive notes, as he will } not explain the process twice.  The Oracle wishes you much success } } You owe the Oracle a pair of really good ear muffs

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Wise O. > >     It started about three weeks ago.  I was just walking around town, > when suddanly i fell.  I thought this to be a very strange thing to > happen.  Then it happened to me again yesterday!!!  What am I doing > wrong???  Why did God invent gravety???? > > Forever in your dept.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, back at the beginning, before there wasn't even time, God was in } absolute control of everything.  He made a small universe and had great } pleasure in manipulating things and creating new toys to play with. } (Being made in God's image, this explains the addictions of TinyMud, } Galactic Bloodshed, and Tetris.)  Well soon there were too many toys } for God to play with, and he had trouble keeping track of them.  So } he invented time.  That kept events sequenced.  The universe grew and } grew, and God got lazier and lazier.  Soon he didn't even want to hold } objects together, so he whipped up a few physical laws & created } gravity.  (Of course, he botched it: relativity was never supposed } to have happened!)  Before He knew it, he had basically let the universe } go on its own, and now he just sits in his Kingdom of Heaven, smoking } weed. } } Then the trouble started.  His phone started ringing off the hook. } People had discovered Him and were praying to Him to do bleedin' } EVERYTHING for them!  He took the calls at first, but after a while } he got sick of it.  So he assigned the job to the angels.  They } got sick of it.  Now all the prayers are taken by an answering } machine with no incoming message tape. } } So God invented gravity out of pure laziness, and don't bother } praying for Him to relieve the pain of your fall, 'cause he isn't } listening. } } You owe the Oracle his own answering machine with no incoming message } tape.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hail mighty oracle.  I must needs converse with thee upon a matter of > great import.  As the resident Norse god of thunder on Asgard.net I have > been having a most splendid time.  However, now, mine father Odin hath > decreed that I spend too much time carousing, wenching, fighting, and on > mine personal account.  He hath decreed that I be banished to Midgard > for an aeon or two until I do learn the proper way for a prince of > Asgard to behave (All this while the cantankerous grouch is going about > visiting this mortal female and that mortal female and essentially > making Zeus look like a boy scout...) > > What can I do now that I find myself faced with a few millenia of exile > on Midgard? >                       Yours truly, >                          Thor Odinson

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Asgard.net, eh?  Oh well...Where did I store that program???  Ahh } } OK exec mythos.avatar } } .tell oracle@delphi Pythia...wake up! } } Pythia: +>%(#/`!~= } Priest: Umm she saith "Yawn.." } Pythia: ~#&*^G| MK]_^& * %^ &*@#$%4 X3"5}L8E-W T:(>Y7I5U6*I } Preist: Ummm  she saith she knew you would inquire thusly, Thor. } Pythia: & %#*\$*R^~ &$%&&^~ ~$%^#^3<5#$ &% ^ #$%^2_6`4}| $%^ #$%^&**%#$ } Priest: Umm make sure he payeth the translation fee. } Pythia: &^*3 #$%%^3 4%^&$%^& @#$%@#$@!#41 45$%^& 9$#%^&$@ %#$%% ^&@#$%:| } Priest: Excuse me for interrupting...oh Pythia. } Pythia: @!#5 8%$&^*$#%^ &$%#^7*(T^@ $~~#%^U^\ [][{}\OPP5 7DS F%$^#76 } Priest: Really ??!!  [][{}\OPP5?  Hmmm.... } } Thor, }     You best not try to leave as the Midgard Serpent hasn't eaten in a } while...Midgard (Earth) is a little weak on Norse believers of late, and } the serpent is still a little PO'd at thee for hooking him on that } fishing trip. }     Midgard is an happenin' place, especially for carousing and } wenching.  The sexual revolution hath made its impact over much of the } civilised world.  If fighting is thy game, we have incessant wars here } from gang wars to United Nation police actions where everybody gangs up } on somebody. }     Some added warnings, however:  Thy Lady, Sif hath been credited with } creating a nasty disease (which bears her name) for certain unfaithful } husbands...so you might want to start using the intestines of thy } regenerating goats to make sheaths for thy...ummm...hammer. }     As for learning how a prince of Asgard behaves...You should enroll } in a Business Ethics course just before the aeon is up....I understand a } relative of yours is teaching one...hhmmm the name is something like: } MiLOKIn...miL'KIn...or such. } }    You owe the Oracle the net addresses of all the Valkyries...  I've } always wanted to do it on a flying horse...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From:   STUDENT, JOHN            [name changed -sk] > > ask me a question! > > STUDENT, JOHN > Student

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Consultation with my favorite Ouija board (which even the Oracle } resorts to when faced with extremely intransigent problems), revealed } only the following ETLA (Extended Three Letter Acronym):- } }                       'RTFM' } } Some further work in the interpretation department involving a dart, } three miles of bookshelves, and a pair of scissors, resulted in the } following quotation:- } } 'Mailing the Oracle with the word "help in the "Subject:" line will get }  you the most recent version of this help file mailed back.  If you mail }  the Oracle with "ask me" or "askme" somewhere in the subject, the }  Oracle will send you a question to answer, if there are any available.' } } So, after lengthy deliberation, I come to the following conclusions:- } } 1. You are plagued with Rats, Toads, Frogs, and Mice, but are }    frightened to admit it to anyone for fear the City Sanitation }    Department will hear of it and condemn your dwelling. } } 2. To get a sufficient quantity of electronic mail passed to you that }    the net.police will inform the City Sanitation Department that you }    are a Person Of Importance, and give you friendly assistance }    instead of an eviction notice when you make a complaint about your }    excessive wildlife, you must obey the instructions given in the }    quotation above. } } You owe the Oracle fourteen china ornaments, to replace those } destroyed during the interpretation of your question. Nice ones, too. } And with no Rats, Toads, Frogs, or Mice in them.