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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OHH GREAT< YET SOMEWHAT ANNOYING ORACLE > YEAH< LIKE I HADN"T TRIED THAT!!!! THE F*CKING KEY STILL WONT > WORK. > AND WHAT ABOUT MY WRITERS BLOCK??????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh my, this is an extremely rude question.  Consider that it contains } profanity, bad capitalization, a tedious reference to a previous } question, a direct insult, a total lack of respect, repitious and } incorrect use of punctuation, ambiguity, strange line breaks, and bad } grammer.  I am honestly impressed.  I will allow you 5 minutes to glow } in the warmth of my respect before you glow in the warmth of a 50 } terawatt lightning bolt. } } To put your achievement in context, this question is the eighth rudest } of all time.  The top 5 rudest Oracular questions of all time are: } } 5: } > HEY YOU PIECE OF SH*T CR*P ORACAL!!!!!  I DONE WAT YOU TOLD ME TO DO } > AND NOW MY CAR DONT WORK!!!!! } > ITS GONNA COST ME 500 BUCKS TO FIXX } > IT!!!!!  ARE YOU GOING TA GIVE ME 500 BUCKS!!!!!  OR AM I GOING TO } > HAVE TO BREAK YOUR LEGS!!!!!?  YOU GIVE ME NUTHER 50 BUCKS INTEREST } > TOO!!!!! } } This individual was transformed into a potent intestinal disease. } } 4: } Unfortunately number 4 can not be repeated.  It suggests certain } anatomical configurations by certain holy entities that are quite } startling.  It is best forgotten.  The individual was punished by } forcing him to perform all of his suggestions.  Yuck. } } 3: } > Hey Oracle!  I have discovered the secret of your power.  Soon, I will } > be precognitive and powerful too.  I will force you to be my slave for } > all eternity.  Ha!  Just kidding!  I want to be friends with you. } > Buddies to the end!  Since we are being so friendly, can you please } > answer one little question?  I was about to perform the last rite of } > the Ritual of Oracular Empowerment.  Is it safe to use the Stone of } > Tanzahar instead of the Crystal of the Four Seasons?  I lost the } > Crystal yesterday. } } I accidentally mistyped the answer to this question.  I typed "sure" } instead of "that would be extremely stupid."  Oh well, even the } Oracle makes mistakes.  This person was trapped in the deepest levels } of the Underhell. } } 2: } > Mr. Oral Cull, } > } >     Certain irregularities in your federal tax return have been } > found.  We would appreciate your full cooperation in clarifying these } > details.  In particular, we would like more information on the } > following items: your $275,000 contribution to Opiate Distributers } > of America, your 26 children, your new house with a depreciated value } > of $26,000, and your stipend for "oracular services" from several } > stock arbitrage firms. } >                            Thank you for your time, } >                            Internal Revenue Service } } This individual received a very generous income improvement, and he } has not been a problem since. } } 1: } > Have you considered your place in the world?  Do you have your life } > carefully planned, and are you following the plan?  Are your finances } > in good shape?  Do you show your affection for the people that you } > love?  Are you generous?  Are there important changes that you would } > like to make to your life, and how are you going to make them?  Do you } > consider yourself to be a success?  Do others consider you to be a } > success, and why not?  Do you ever lie, cheat, or steal?  If you were } > to die today, would you be happy with your life?  Do you have many } > close friends?  Is your job satisfying?  Do you like your boss?  Does } > your boss like you?  It is your fault?  Do you consider yourself to be } > paranoid?  Do you have many powerful enemies? } } Forced self-analysis is never fun.  This individual was forced to } write a 500,000 word essay on his own faults.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHY DO BIRDS SING SO GAY?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is not the Oracle's place to speculate on the sexual preferences of } our avian siblings in the animal kingdom, so he will assume that you } meant to ask, using the now-archaic meaning of 'gay,' (noting the proper } use of capital letters): } }       "Why do birds sing so happily," } } which, although it yields an answer that is not in the least as } titillating to the unwashed masses who'd rather sit and watch Al Bundy } than any form of intelligent entertainment while swilling beer and } laughing at the scatological references and ogling young woman who plays } the daughter, is much more in keeping with the seriousness of this forum } and the Oracle's reputation for honesty, integrity, and stuffiness. } } Now, in answer to the revised question: } }       "Why do birds sing so happily," } } the Oracle replies that birds only seem to be singing happily because } you lack the deeper understanding of aviform languages to fully } appreciate the import of what is being said. } } For instance, when a young starling says: } }       "twerp twerp chee *trrrrill* cheep," } } one might think that this is a generally happy affirmation of life, } liberty, and love.  In actuality, what that young starling has said was: } }       "Hey Bob!  Get the hell outta my territory or I'll kill you!" } } As you can see, birds are not "singing happily" by any stretch of the } imagination. } } You owe the Oracle one set of earplugs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why the hell do I have to write a 4 page essay for physics next week? > It's not an English course, it's science--that's supposed to mean > formulas, problems, theories, etc. not essays.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey bud, don't complain about the essay, man, physics is cool. } The essay, however, is not- I agree.  It isn't an English } class and you shouldn't be forced to write anything about it. } But here is a topic I would suggest you use... }    The Quantum Theory of Writing Essays. }     oh, yes, and use these formuli: } }     the density of the professor's skull = }         the mass of the paper * the force he applied to you to do it } }      the power of the school board to fire him = }     the amount of work he assigns unnecessarily + }        the sines of the degree of his uselessness } } whatever- I hope you do well whatever } you owe the oracle a gravity fnorder

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Recently, upon mailing you one of my questions, I noticed from > the reply that only the first two lines got sent, and thus your > reply was some silly little thing regarding the error of what I had > said, because of course, you never received the rest of what I was > trying to say, and thus replied to only the first two lines. > Does this mean that you are beginning to malfunction?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Malfunction?  MALFUNCTION??  Moi?  Surely you just, my festering friend. } The Oracle is flawless in execution, perfect in form, excelletn in evrey } waiy.  Wht masn ahauie fklakdd?   Tpshd wkjehw asdfk.... } }           $$$$$$ Central BUS Fatal I/O Error $$$$$$ } } -> RS } PDH_Int_Reset Abort current system activity (Y/N)?  Y } PDH01I Processor reset } DMA05I 8 googleplex bytes of main memory tested and configured } VMR08I 5 dimensions of virtual reality configured } NFT01I Network transport layer activated } ISL> start recovery } Tue, 26 Mar 91, 11:12:15 ? N } Date? 03/26/91 } Time? 11:08:57 } ISL04I Initiating time transfer... }     <<....whrrrrrr.....WHOOOOOSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH...>> } } Malfunction?  MALFUNCTION??  Moi?  Surely you just, my festering friend. } The Oracle is flawless in execution, perfect in form, excellent in every } way, and absolutely invulnerable to error.  You must be demented to even } suggest such blasphemy. } } You owe the Oracle a flashback.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo!  Most gnarly Oracle-dude, I heard, like, Reebok is going to get into > the underwear for babes scene with this radical new bra called "The > Pump".  Is there any truth to this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I think you have your sources mixed-up.  The new product is } actually going to be produced by Reebok and Johnson and Johnson.  Known } as the Pump, it will be the first personally-controlled breast } enlarger... } } For the one you love...pump 'em up! } } You owe the Oracle...<tsssssss>...um, excuse me.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are managers bozos more often than bozos are managers?  That is, how > come my manager is more likely to be a clown than I am to have a clown > for a manager?  At least the latter would be more fun than the former.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple: it's a self-perpetuating cycle. } } Managers are, ipso-facto, incapable. Deep down, they are aware of this }  deficiency, so when they spot someone who is incapable at their job on }  the shop floor level, they don't fire them, but decide that individual }  will be just as incapable on a higher level, which will put them in a }  good light when review time comes along: } }  He's not doing very well, but look at the bozos he has to work with. } } The fact that the bozos he has to work with were promoted by him }  actually serves in his favour; he appears still more incompetant and is }  promoted still faster (being bozos they haven't clocked the system) } } This ineptitude is exacerbated by the fact that every level is acting }  like this, and so only the worst of a bad bunch ever get promoted, all }  working from this mind set. } } If this describes your position, there is only one way out: Form a }       co-operative and set up in competition. } } Incidentally, your manager /is/ a clown, but only in his spare time, and }  only at children's parties, when he dresses in a colourful baggy suit, }  and falls over a lot. (But then you knew about the falling over }  anyway.) } } You owe the Oracle the presidency of your company, a management training }  manual, and a rigorous definition of the word `bozo'.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I know what happens when you send an unsub * (netwide to a listserer. > But what happens if you send a sub * (netwide to a listserver? > Enquiring minds want to know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple.  By typing "sub *" you are automatically subscribed to every } newsgroup in existence, as common sense would lead you to believe. } However, the listserver notes this action, and, as you begin to leaf } through the various newsgroups, it implants subliminal messages in the } postings. } } If you might have noticed, there is a large amount of useless } information in the header of each posting detailing exactly who posted } it, what paths it traveled around the world to finally arrive at your } lowly terminal, and various other garbage.  This information, in fact, } is packed full of subliminal messages.  Since you naturally don't } normally read this information, but flip through it so that it only } appears on the screen for but a brief moment, it becomes firmly embedded } on your sub-conscious mind. } } In the beginning, the listserver implants harmless messages, such as } "You really want to read the next posting" and "Oh, just read one more } for fun...".  It also invokes some positive feedback messages such as } "You are a great big stud and very well endowed" to incure some excited } responses.  It is not uncommon, at this point, for the reader to } continue reading *every* message from *every* newsgroup, and all the } while become more and more frenzied and sexually stimulated.  In a } confused and weakened state, it becomes easier for the listserver to } implant these suggestions.  You read the news postings faster and } faster, you flip through the headers at a high rate of speed, you call } your bank and transfer the sum of $1000 to account number #S32-7436, you } write a blank check and send it to a P.O.  Box 432, Pokipse, N.Y. } 38563, and you finally finish reading the final message of the very last } newsgroup.  By this time, gobs more messages have been posted, and you } begin reading once again... } } You are now financially ruined, as you made your credit card numbers and } versateller PIN numbers globally available, and you've developed strange } fetishes for small rodents.  You should type "unsub *" and subscribe } only to "alt.sex.bestiality", and live the rest of your life in abject } poverty, but happy with your new-found gopher friend. } } You owe the oracle *POST YOUR CALLING CARD NUMBER* back issues of } "Gardening Weekly", esp.  the one on how to trap those pesky garden } animals.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    If I were in a car going at the speed of light, and I were to turn > the lights on, what would happen???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} well, if it were a pinto, it would burst into flames.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > What are carcindogins, or however they are spelled,? > why is the sjy pink in my world? > Why hasn't someone killed off Mc Hammer? > Why are there small, hunry looking beast eating at my...sjikalgzdf p;ui > graefds > ]iuor > fdse*onh

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, I see the small, hunry(?) looking beast reached your genitals.  You } probobly won't be to intersted in the answers I have to give as you are } busy beginning your life as an eunuch.  I give it to you anyways, though } I should warn you to KEEP IT TO ONE QUESTION AT A TIME YOU MO-RON! } Sorry, I've been having these mood swings lately so please forgive me if } I RIP OFF YOUR HEAD AND STUFF IT IN YOUR--sorry bout that, didn't mean } it, really.  But the carcindogins are the furry beasts that are eating } at YOUR MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR GENITALIA!  Oh my, did I say that?  I'm } really sorry, but the sjy is pink in your world because YOUR FOUL BREATH } POISONED TO POOR DEFENSELESS CREATURE YOU MURDERER--no, no, I meant that } you should give it some fresh air, but I'm really quite stable right } now, I'm not really d dangerous, and Mc Hammer has not been killed off } because HE'S GODS PUNISHMENT FOR THE SINS OF RAP SINGERS EVERYWHERE AND } I HAVEN'T KILLED HIM YET--but he could be an artist if he only WOULD } STICK HIS HEAD UP HIS BUM AND SING TO THE ONLY ASSHOLE THAT CARES--and } you really can't blame him for it.  The Oracle is feeling tired now and } THOSE MISERABLE QUACK EXCUSES FOR PSYCHIATRISTS are going to take me } back to my room now.  Ta ta. } } You owe the Oracle a years supply of lithium.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie > Roll Pop?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I definitely remember answering this one just a few months ago...  I had } given the task to Lisa (who, when it comes to tongue action, is } definitely tops in the field).  Further research has revealed, however, } that her count was unusually low by a statistically significant amount, } and therefore has been invalidated. } } I have a team of sorority girls working on this problem right now, and } will be back with you as soon as we can gather a statistically } significant number of observations to base a conclusion upon.  This } should only take five or six years, plus a large federal grant.  We'll } be in touch.