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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wizened oracle, battle scarred one, o accumulatrix of many > compliments deserved and undeserved, o provacateur of many intrigues > foreign, domestic, yea, even intergalactic, I have a wee question: > > Has there ever been, or will there ever be, a male earthling with a > soul even greater than that of Cyrano de Bergerac?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A soul searching question, eh?  To settle questions like these, I } usually use the Afterlife/Beforelife Unified Soul Examination (ABUSE) } index.  The test provides an impartial indicator of soul mass and } density using psychotemporal wave refraction, preconductive } spirituality deflection, and nose length.  Before settling the issue } of Cyrano de Bergerac, let us examine the ABUSE index for some other } famous people. } } Gengis Khan           23.1 } Abraham Lincoln               48.7 } George Bush           12.4  (What can I say?  Fact is fact.) } Billy Joel            32.2 } New Kids on the Block 4.8 each } } Now for M. de Bergerac...  drum roll please... } } Cyrano de Bergerac    54.4 } } Very impressive, the nose helps of course.  Anything above 40 } qualifies a person automatically for Great Man or Great Women status. } But male earthlings have had higher scores in the past.  Ghandi scored } a 59.1 and Aristotle scored a 55.6.  The highest score of all time for } a male human is from George Ackman, who scored a whopping 67.3.  Most } people do not know George Ackman, but I can assure you that he was an } Extremely Great Man.  We are talking an amazing level of Greatness. } When he walked into a room, women would faint, men would sweat, and } children would urinate.  He was lynched at the age of 32 by an angry } mob. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of orthomystic soul supporters.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, Oracle.  It's me again. > > I was wondering about this "voting" thing.  The instructions > say to rate each Oracularity on a scale of 1 to 5.  For future > reference, could you provide me with examples of what a "1" is, > what a "2" is, etc.? > > I would be most grateful. > > Your humble servant and erstwhile sex slave.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, dear, this is very much a matter of opinion.  But here's mine: } } 1:  Dull, long-winded, not at all funny.  You can't conceive why any } Oracular priest might possibly have chosen the damned thing. } } 2:  Raises a slight smile at best.  You still wish that you hadn't } wasted your time reading the damned thing. } } 3:  You almost laugh out loud.  You're glad that you read the } Oracularity.  Or even if it's not funny, it's wise and witty and conveys } a neglected truth. } } 4.  You laugh out loud at least once.  Or if it's not funny, it shows a } deep and telling insight into the human condition. } } 5:  You burst out laughing:  you can't help it at all.  Or it's } basically a level-4 but it's both profound and hilarious. } } My opinion is that points should be awarded not merely for humor but for } wisdom as well.  Either take both into account in assigning a number or } agitate for a double system (humor/wisdom:  two numbers). } } This incarnation has never gotten more than 2.8 or so for an answer. } Damn. } } This reply, if it's included, will not get more than a 2.0

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Beam me up, Scotty.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Great...another Trekkie.  Don't you people have a life outside of } television?? } } You'll have to forgive me.  _Star Trek_ is a punishment that backfired } on me.  Once a young man named Bill Shatner came to me and asked me if } he would make a good actor.  I was honest--I told him that he stunk.  Of } course, I asked him for payment of services.  He refused.  As } punishment, I gave him a big ego and the curse of over-acting.  You know } the rest... } } You owe the Oracle Counselor Deanna Troy.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A co-worker of mine, a female, insists on using the word "doo-doo" to > refer to anything even slightly bad or even a little "ickey".   At > first, I didn't mind it, it was kinda cute.  But now, every time she > says it, it grinds me, like when you run your fingers down a > blackboard.  I can almost hear her saying it now, "ickey" "ickey" > "ICKEY" "ICKEY!!" > > Is there anything I can do, or should I commit myself to an assylum? > (or perhaps a large university, if I have alot of money)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The key word is "asylum" (note proper spelling).  That's right, your } co-worker is the only daughter of Frank Hardwick, the multi-millionare } who made his fortune with a chain of posh "Mental Recovery Centres" for } celebs.  Business has dropped off since stars can now sob their guts out } on television talk shows like "Oprah!" so the daughter is trying to drum } up business by driving everyone around her nuts.  Once she has done } that, she'll move on to another unsuspecting group... } } There is hope.  She can't stand the words "grody" or "barfola," after a } nasty incident involving a valley girl with a strap-on dildo.  So each } time she says "ickey," reply "grody"; if it's "doo-doo," reply } "barfola." Soon she'll be visiting the Rubber Ramada.  Better her than } you.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What ever became of the Camp Fire Girls?  Were they taken over by a lot > of camp Fire Island types?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Do you mean "campy Fire Island types"?) } } The following is excerpted from The Oracular Enquirer (the leading } all-digital tabloid), July 15, 1989: } } }         CAMP FIRE GIRLS EXTINGUISHED IN MASS ANIMAL ORGY } } }   Nantahala, NC:  The 42nd Annual Camp Fire Girls Convention came } to an abrupt halt Saturday when puberty simultaneously struck all } 63,000 Camp Fire Girls in attendance. } }   "It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen," said Hildegarde } Potchetskie,  Vice-President  of Camp Fire Girls USA.    "All the } girls were assembled together for the hygiene lecture when all of } a sudden, their chests swelled out.  And I mean swelled!"   There } was no room in the crowd for the added mass, and something like a } human explosion resulted. } }   The girls, now women, scattered throughout the campsite looking } for  available  men  to ravage  with  their  new-found sexuality. } However, since this was an all-girls convention,  there were only } two  men  in the  entire  compound;  they were  Hal  Trewer,  46, } groundskeeper,  and Lamar Anderson, 27, a maintenance crewman who } was there to handle an emergency repair to one of the showers. } }   When  the National Guard arrived  at the scene two hours later, } both men were found dead  of dehydration,  and the women were all } naked, writhing in one huddled mass with a few wild animals taken } captive by the  sex-crazed  Camp  Fire  Girls.    National  Guard } helicopters hosed them down  for an additional  48 hours,  before } moving in.  The women are now located at 4^#%%f? sk-= &77f unable } to read sector } and are still  desperate for  male companionship.   Visitors  are } welcome; however, they are urged to exercise extreme caution. } } ------------------------end of article--------------------------- } } There you go.  I hope that answers your question.  Since I } still have the paper out, would you like me to read you } the horoscope? } }                       TODAY'S HOROSCOPE } } If today is your birthday, you are wrinkled and puffy, and still } have your umbilical cord attached.  And you shouldn't be able to } read this. } } If you were born yesterday, then you are vice-president.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does she like me?  (She being a female human...I'm not that > twisted...I'd give you her name, but I'm sure you already know it, oh > All-Knowing One...)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Slow fade in to an African veldt.  The flat plain stretches out before } us, to a line of dark mountains, several of which are volcanoes.  An } assortment of African-type animals wander across the plain.  Into the } scene comes a line of native bearers, heavily laden with computer } equipment, boxes of UNIX and emacs manuals, and a heavy-duty generator. } They are followed by three Englishmen, nattily dressed in the latest in } safari gear.] } } Quartermain:  Those mountains ahead are where the maps say we should } find the city. } } Doomed Companion:  Do you really believe in this "She Who Must Be } Obeyed" legend?  A woman over 2000 years old who rules these plains as a } goddess? } } Quartermain (pulling out a badly dog-eared book):  Of course I do!  See, } right here on page 426?  She exists! } } DC (uncertainly):  As you say, Quartermain, as you say. } } Quartermain (shouting to the native extras):  Set up that VAX under } those trees, and put the Spark stations atop that rock!  Come on!  Chop } chop!  And make me some tea! } } Various Natives:  Yes, sahib! } } [A large antelope-like animal wanders into view, and freezes at the } sight of the men.] } } DC:  Quartermain, could that be an eland? } } Quartermain:  Indeed!  What a beautiful animal!  What grace!!  What a } joy to see.  Give me my rifle!! } } Sound effect:  kerBLAAM! } } [Cut to dinner scene.  Quartermain and DC eat eland steaks by the eery } glow of vt100's.  The as-yet unnamed third Englishman is playing a } wicked game of Tetris.] } } DC:  What will you do when you meet She? } } Quartermain:  I shall ask her if she likes me. } } DC:  Huh? } } Quartermain:  She and I were destined from the beginning of time to be } together; I am the reincarnation of Her ancient love.  We shall rule the } world together as God and Goddess. } } DC:  You're a bit loony tunes, aren't you Quartermain? } } As-yet Unnamed Englishman (over his shoulder):  I say, blokes, I've } asked the Oracle about this She bird.  It says we'd be much better off } heading to Cairo for the fertility festival next Tuesday. } } } You owe the Oracle a large eland steak, medium-rare, with a side of } fries.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Oracle, do you think if we both flattered those priests who > make up the Oracularities, that we'd get in?  Huh?  So how about > it.  Tell me just how well endowed they are.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, my dear supplicant, I'm afraid you have it all wrong.  The Oracle } does not exist to flatter the Priesthood.  Rather, the Priesthood exists } solely to do the bidding of the Oracle.  Accordingly, instead of the } Oracle describing just how well endowed the Priesthood are, I've asked a } bunch of them (Who shall, of course, remain anonymous) to tell you,the } supplicant, how well endowed the Usenet Oracle is.  Some of their } replies follow: } Anonymous Priest #1: "OH MY GAWD!!!!!" } Anonymous Priest #2: "WILL YOU LOOKIT THE SIZE O' THOSE DISK DRIVES!!!" } Anonymous Priest #3: "GEEEZ!!!" } Lisa:... Well,actually, what followed my conversation with Lisa about }          this matter can't really be repeated on a nice family net like }          this... } } So you see, my friend, the Priesthood of the Oracle exist only for me... } Hey, WAIT!!!  Kinzler, it was only a joke,I swear!  NO!  DON'T PULL THE } PLUG... } } } &^%#&*@^#GKJHGKJHS%DF&^%*&&*^* } Machine crash } Core Dumped.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> TERESE LUDDENBACHER LOVES JOE BOB BRINDLE.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alright kiddo, get off your daddy's terminal!  You're obviously too } young to be on the Net - try going to grammar school first.  But here's } your first lesson - } } <<<<<Pooooffff>>>>>> } } Sherman:  Golly Mr. Peabody, how'd we get here? } Peabody:  Simplicity itself, my dear Sherman, the Illudium Q-38 }         explosive space modulator in the Way-Back Machine appears to }         have been eaten by Martian termites. } } Narrator: And that was the case, for at that moment our heroes could }         here a sinister chomping sound emanating from the back of the }         Way- back machine!  Our heroes were stranded... } } Sherman:  What are we gonna do now, Mr. Peabody? } Peabody:  We are going to have a grammar lesson...Now don't roll your }         eyes, Sherman!  Sit straight and tell me, what is a question? } Sherman:  You just asked me one. } Peabody:  No, no, no, no, no!  Gramtically, what forms a question? } Sherman:  Oh, that's easy.  A question mark at the end of the sentence. } Peabody:  And what does a question mark look like? } Sherman:  Well, it looks kinda of like a squiggly line with a dot at the }         end.  Sort of like this: } }          ??????????? }       ?????      ????? }       ??           ???? }                    ??? }                   ?? }                  ?? }                ??? }              ??? }            ?? } }           ??? }           ??? } } Peabody:  That's very good Sherman.  Now we'll... } } Narrator: But Peabody never got the rest of his sentece off, for at that }         very moment, they were swished back into their everyday living }         room! } } Sherman:  Wow, how'd you do that? } Peabody:  Simplicity itself, Sherman.  I just followed the words of the }         immortal William Shakespeare.  He said "Mine is not to do or }         die, mine is but to question why."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, f***.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Being omniscient and pretty damn tough to fool, the Oracle knows } exactly what you were thinking. I also know why you used asterisks } in place of letters. } } You declined to fully spell the word out because you were embarassed } to let me know you couldn't spell it correctly. You can't hide such } facts from me. In fact, you are missing one asterisk. } } The Oracle knows you were thinking about fudge, because the Oracle } was thinking the same thought. You see, you WOULD have spelled it } wrong. Don't worry, being human, you mortals are allowed your share } of mistakes. } } You owe the Oracle half of your fudge.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most prudent, sage, sapient, judicious, and other synonyms for > wise, please tell me.  What question is so hard that even you cannot > answer it? > > After all, since are truly all knowing, and all powerful, you can devise > such a question. > > -(a curious mortal who's read too much Godel)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are questions so hard that the Oracle *will* not answer them.  For } example, "What is the fourth ionization potential of a uranium atom in } the ground state?  And by the way, how do I get the girl at the next } terminal to notice me?" } } There are questions so *complex* that the Oracle cannot answer them. } "Would you list all the positive integers for me?  Oh yeah, also, the } thing with the hamster didn't make the girl at the next terminal fall in } love with me.  Any other ideas?" } } There are questions so *dull* that the Oracle *won't* answer them.  "Can } you explain how to translate a tcsh shell script for use on a VM system? } While I've got you:  the girl at the next terminal didn't go for a } romantic, candlelit dinner of deep fried wilderbeast with thistle salad. } You've *got* to help me!" } } There are questions so *stupid* that the Oracle can't be *bothered* to } answer them, and will resort to random commentary and abuse.  "What is } air?  Before I forget, are you *sure* that the girl at the next terminal } will like me if I lash her to a telephone pole with duct tape, smear her } with fruit pectin, and pelt her with hungry eels?" } } Now, as Dr. Goedel taught us all, there *are* questions that cannot be } answered in any formal system.  The Oracle is a pretty damn informal } system, but even so, there is such a question.  However, the Oracle is } also self-modifying, so having found such a question, the Oracle would } simply correct itself to be able to answer it, and you would have to } find the unanswerable question all over again.  Neat trick, huh? } } } You owe the Oracle a fresh supply of asterisks. } } P.S.  If you were expecting an infinite recursion of Oracular self- } simulations with disasterous results and humorous references to Goedel, } please re-read Oracularity #247-04, composed by this self same } incarnation of the Oracle, Lo! these many weeks ago.