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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great One!  Please enlighten me as to why some Communist spies are > infiltrating the net, intercepting your wise replies, and then hacking > them up and inserting their own gibberish?  Why are these fascists > trying to make it look like people other than The Great Oracle are > responding to my dire questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nyet!  Not the communist spies infiltrate the nyetvork!  They vill never } interfere vith the great and noble bourgeoise purpose of the oracle!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why do I dread building kernels?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's quite difficult to build a kestrel, actually, and I don't blame you } for dreading it.  First, you have to get all those feathers on (the } first time i did it, I got them on backwards -- bad news, boy!).  Then } you have to attack the wings right.  The kits I usually use don't have } quite enough wing-glue.  Then the feet.  Those feet are murder.  You } have to hook up the nerves first, and the kestrel grabs your finger in } its sharp talons and SQUEEZES if you're not careful.  Damn dangerous. } Then the head.  Gotta screw the head so it faces the right way.  As soon } as the spine is engaged, it screams and goes for your eyeballs.  Those } birds are FAST, too. } } I don't blame you at all for dreading building kestrels.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Someone once said that God is a comedian playing to an audience afraid > to laugh.  Would you please do upwards of 1000 iterations on this > statement and respond as to your assessed validity of it?  Thanks!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The result of 1000 upward iterations is: } }    "we sink to become indistinguishable from the }     general excrement" } } Alas, this was also said by someone. Its validity } its apparent, at least to this Oracle. } } You owe me a gallon of perfume.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can a knowledge of demographics and lifestyles aid Black & Decker in > marketing appliances?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should be taking business classes to answer questions like these! } Or are you cheating on your homework!?  Since I'm a nice guy, I will } answer your question anyway. } } The more sexually deviant an area is, the more attachments Black & } Decker will need to sell hand drills in that area. } } You owe the Oracle one Wet 'n' Dry Vac (with attachments).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many will there be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How many will there be?  Hmmmmm...  There is no answer, so I will answer } your question for various inserted variables: } 1.) Elephants: 3 } 2.) Replies to your question: 1 } 3.) Non-greenery presidents in this decade: 0 } 4.) Answers to your question:  See #10. } 5.) See #8 } 6.) Licks to get to the center of a Tootsie-Roll Pop:  3 } 7.) Pounds in a ton: 2000 } 8.) 6. } 9.) Legs on the Average horse: 4 } 10.) See #5. } } You owe the Oracle one Cray X-MP.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         What is the correct protocol for answering a question in a > business class if you don't have the slightest clue?  In engineering, it > is permissible and even desirable to admit ignorance since mistakes may > cost lives.  However, in business, "it's not your money", so the key > thing to do is to look as if you are omniscient, regardless of the > truth.  How can this be pulled off success- fully by an honest man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The correct protocol is to refer the question to your imaginary } associate, Dithers, who is in Europe at the time at a business meeting } with BMW regarding financing arrangements for a loan you are arranging. } Therefore, please direct all questions to Dithers' office.  Next } question?  You owe the Oracle one BMW M3, midnight black, please.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is the least known inventor in all of history, and what did he > invent?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer eludes at the moment, but I think he invented the genitals } that are placed on mannequins.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is xxxxxxx@xxx.xxx.edu?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [xxx.xx.edu] } Login name: xxxxxxx                   In real life: God the Almighty } Office: everywhere } Directory: /u/xxxxxxx                 Shell: /usr/gnu/bash } Member of groups root, wheel, kmem, god, jesus, jehovah } Last login Thu Jan  1 00:00 on ttyh1 } Project: To correctly calculate pi (or redefine it) } No unread mail on this host. } Plan: } }                       ___====-_  _-====___ }                 _--~~~#####//      \\#####~~~--_ }              _-~##########// (    ) \\##########~-_ }             -############//  :\^^/:  \\############- }           _~############//   (@::@)   \\############~_ }          ~#############((     \\//     ))#############~ }         -###############\\    (oo)    //###############- }        -#################\\  / "" \  //#################- }       -###################\\/      \//###################- }      _#/:##########/\######(   /\   )######/\##########:\#_ }      :/ :#/\#/\#/\/  \#/\##\  :  :  /##/\#/  \/\#/\#/\#: \: }      "  :/  V  V  "   V  \#\: :  : :/#/  V   "  V  V  \:  " }         "   "  "      "   / : :  : : \   "      "  "   " }                          (  : :  : :  ) }                         __\ : :  : : /__ }                        (vvv(VVV)(VVV)vvv) } } }               ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO FUCK WITH ME???

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is she coming tonite?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  Twelve times (she'll lose count at three).  Diane will come about } fifteen.  She won't lose count.  She's a compulisve counter.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> as big as the great oak tree trunk between thy mighty thighs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ... i am not now climbing trees ...