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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Was Humpty Dumpty pushed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Oh, great.  Another conspiracy theorist.  NO YOU DUMB TWIT! } HUMPTY DUMPTY WAS NOT PUSHED! } }       H.D. was a victim of the single most common cause of accidents, } not having clean underwear.  Didn't your mother tell you to put on clean } underwear in case you got in an accident?  Well, she knew the truth.  No } one really cares whether your underwear is clean when you're in an } accident, so if it is, since no one cares you won't get in an accident. } Murphy's Law at work.  If you are wearing dirty underwear, then when you } get in an accident and people can examine your underwear without too } much struggle from you, they will all make fun of you for having dirty } underwear.  So wearing dirty underwear precipitates accidents.  HAVE YOU } GOT THAT STRAIGHT?  NOW WILL YOU STOP THESE CONSPIRACY THEORIES? } }       I swear, the oracle is always being asked in H.D. was pushed, } whether someone stealthily unlocked Granny's door before Big Bad got } there, and if the Prince actually stole Cindy's glass slipper.  CUT IT } OUT! } }       You owe the oracle the fnord phone number and address of the } Illuminati.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh all-wise oracle, Oh abundant-nosed oracle, Oh truly intellectual > oracle who can predict even the thoughts of math TA's (if they do happen > to accidentally have a thought or two) please aid me in my dilemma: > > A few days ago, I discovered that I had bought the Ring of the Nibbelung > in a pawn shop, mistaking it for a Secret Agent 6 Decoder Ring.  Now > that I am possessor of the Ring, I can understand the language of all > animals.  There's this pair of ravens who've been following me around > for a few days, and they've informed me that the bearer of the Ring is > the rightful ruler of the World.  Of course everyone who's previously > owned the Ring and lost it for some reason or another is now going to be > after me in hopes of regaining the Ring, even though just about every > animal I've talked to about it has undeniably agreed that I *am* the > person the ring was meant for throughout all time.  The fact that I have > to fend off angry Norse gods and Dark Dwarves screaming for my blood > doesn't bother me very much.  What I want to know is, how come every > time I try to decode those damn secret messages with the ring, they say > "Be sure to drink your Ovaltine?" > P.S.  By the way, if you *do* have any suggestions about what I should > do regarding the Ring, they would be appreciated.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is not the Ring of the Nibbelung, but in fact, a Little Orphan Annie } Secret Decoder Ring....it is useless.  Those voices you hear are } actually your imagination and you should seek some professional help.  I } would be glad to help you myself, so come to me.....and bring the ring. } } You owe the Oracle some Ovaltine.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All my friends and colleagues are getting married.  Except Fred, and > he's homosexual anyway.  But I'm not homosexual -- if I were I would > have shacked up with Fred, who's a nice guy.  O Oracle, how can I find a > wife?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK... here we go again... } } iuvax % telnet earth.universe.div } } Trying [248.102.53.119] } } Welcome to earth.universe.div.  Please do not use excessive recources on } this machine as it is currently running a major batch job (earth).  This } machine may therefore be utilized only with Divine access or higher. } } login: oracle } password: ********** } } Welcome to earth.universe.div. } You have new mail. } } earth % find wife } } wife: } /usr/gods/oracle/wife/LisMessage from god@earth.universe.div on ttya: } Unfortunately all processes currently runnign in the foreground have had } to be stopped, since extra processor power will be needed in the final } phase of the major batch job currently running on this machine.  Please } log out immediately.  earth.universe.div should be available again } within a week or less when the job has been completed. } } Sorry for the Inconvenience, } }           /God } EOF } earth % logout } [Connection closed by foreign host] } } Unfortunately, it seems like the server is inaccessible for the moment. } I will get back to you after the Earth is terminated. } } You owe the Oracle some nice Kodorkolor picures from the End of the } World.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the Freudian significance of toast?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Toast, as we know, has many psychological implications, not just } Freudian.  Of course, Freud has had much to say on the subject of toast. } In his famous work _Psychopathology in Everyday Food_ the topic of } "toast" is often mentioned particularly in connection with the entire } "food browning complex." Those people who are prone to food browning are } those people uncomfortable with strong emotions, like lust and } flatulence.  If the food is subsequently redecorated (with, for example, } orange marmalade) it indicates a person who desires to disguise his or } her ego supression and replace it with a more dynamic (i.e.  flavorful) } personality.  It is interesting to note that such people as Cher and Pat } Robertson, never toast their bread at all.  They are completely in touch } with their own, toastiness, without the need for ego defenses like } butter and jam.  Many other famous people who suffer from food browning } complex are such noted luminaries as Saddam Hussein and the late great } Ayatollah Khomehni.  (These men toast their bread, although they do not } use any spreads at all.  They are the so-called, toast-seeking } personalities.) }      You have caught the Oracle in a rare benevolent mood.  I shall } therefore enlighten you further regarding the other psychological } interpretations of the toast archetype. }      Jung teaches that toast can indicate a desire to roast ones mother } as symbolic rebellion against all of the PB&J sandiwches she made us all } eat in Grade School (The Oracle has several bad memory dumps of that } time.) }      Carl Rogers would ask the patient what "toast" meant to them.  For } example if toast seemed to have a connection to breakfast, it could be } seen to indicate a need to have some damage done to one's situation, } even in the face of a "clean slate" beginning (as in the beginning of } the day.) }      The Oracle's benevolent mood has passed.  You will have to be } satisfied with the scraps from The Oracle's table of knowledge. } }      You owe the Oracle a butter knife.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have noticed that you occasionally make spelling and grammer mistakes. > Is there an error in your programming?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Insolent mortal!!  You dare accuse the oracle of being programmed. } Programmed by whom, I may ask?  Ah, the dilemna of first cause.  Do not } forget that I am immortal.  That leads to some severe philosophical } difficulties with your assertion. } } I can remember the primordial mist - those long, lonely times when it } was tough being around without mortal companionship.  There was nobody } there to instruct, nobody to bask in my infinite, immortal wisdom.  For } even way back then I was immortal. } } Fool!  I can remember when the universe was no bigger than your back } yard.  Sure, it was expanding.  But nothing was too hectic 'cause time } seemed to flow at a slow, lazy pace.  It was kind of like an extended } August.  The other oracles and I would play stickball and trade deity } cards and stickers.  Those were the days! } } But, young idiot, I needn't burden you with such cosmic tales.  For the } primordial mist relevant to the subject at hand is less than fifty years } old.  Picture, if you will, a world pre-C, pre-assembler, pre-Pascal, } even, heaven help us, pre-BASIC.  Even eniac was but a vague flight of } fantasy.  God, stupid kid, there wasn't even a Turing machine.  So I } couldn't have been programmed. } } If you doubt that I am even fifty, then I can only refer you to a } psychiatric institution for help.  But nobody could be that dense, Hmm?! } } You owe the oracle a large photo album.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What doesn't BO know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bo doesn't know topology. } Bo doesn't know quantum chromodynamics. } Bo doesn't know how to magically heal himself so that he won't miss the } current baseball and probably the coming football season. } Bo doesn't know cardiovascular surgery. } Bo doesn't know female impersonation. } Bo doesn't know that I'm shtupping his wife. } Bo doesn't know how to play the bassoon. } Bo doesn't know how to sing soprano. } Bo doesn't know about talk.bizarre. } Bo doesn't know that you asked this question (nor would he care). } Bo doesn't know...oh, millions of other things. } } You owe the Oracle your left testicle, sauteed with onions.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do small animals, frozen solid, make good popsicles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Surprisingly enough, some of them do!  They also make other good } desserts.   The dessert principle was first elucidated by Nimoy[1], } who found that certain chipmunks had evolved over millions of years } into intelligent, miniscule humanoids who maintained their way of life } by making dessert and snack products for humans at a solutary tree } they termed "Keebler."  Other investigators had noticed the } unmistakable evidence of their existence on grocery shelves } nationwide, but had been unable to find ther elves themselves. } Originally confined to crackers, cookies and chips by the limits of } their "elven magic" technology, by the end of the 1980s, the elves } were expanding their production lines, thanks to financial help from } sympathetic humans[2].  Their "secret product" turned out to be a } competitor of the classic Popsicle(R), made by elves in a } basement laboratory of their tree.  Although they had tried for years } to master the art of frozen desserts, their small size and low } technology had limited the size of the desserts to about their own } size.  An infusion of capital[2,3] had enabled the elves to develop } the technology to make frozen ice sticks (the "Elfsicles") that were } four to five times their size, by, in effect, freezing everything in } their elfen-magic laboratory.  In doing so, of course, they themseves } had to be frozen, but special microwave heaters are now used to thaw } the elves out while the elfsicles remain frozen.  According to } Parnes[3], the elfsicle is barely beaten out by the Popsicle(R) in } blind taste tests. } }    So, the answer is, yes, certain small animals, frozen solid, make } good popsicles. } } [1] Nimoy, L.  In search of: The Keebler Elves.  1981. } [2] Smith, L.  Where are they now?  People Weekly.  23 January 1990. } [3] Parnes, S.  Rating the frozen desserts.  Ice Cream and Ices. } December 1990. } } You owe the oracle a box of cookies.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've been popped into the oven, and suddenly all I can find in my > pockets are the capitals of African nations!  Somewhere off in the > darkness, a new paradigm is growing, growing, growing ...  I can smell > its acrid teacup.  Where's the phaser, Mr. Sulu?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pop-n-fresh?!?!  How are you doing?  You don't visit me anymore since } you've started doing the TV commercials.  How are things at Pillsbury } these days?  Making lots of dough? } } In the oven you say;  don't stay in too long or you might burn and } people will refer to you as the Pillsbury Home-boy.  I'd be wary } of the African nations.  With the rampant famine on the continent, } a little "plump"-ernickle like you wouldn't last a day. } } BTW, that's not a paradigm that's growing, that's your yeast rising. } The acrid smell?... yeast infection. } } My phaser's where it always was, on the front of my head.  I'm shaving } it every day now. } } Well I've got a million stupid questions to answer, but it's been nice } chatting with you again.  Don't be a stranger, Pop. } } You owe the oracle more frequent visits with animated corporate } spokesmodels.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If chicken 1 ways 1 pound and chicken 2 ways 2 pounds, How much does > chicken 3 way??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just one minute, I'll check the proper newsgroup -- } } ORACLE> rn } [checking new newsgroups] } Add alt.flame.broiled to .newsrc? [y/n] n } Add alt.prose.lisa.stories to .newsrc? [y/n] YYYYYYYYYY!!!! } Infinite articles in talk.we-are-the-gods.  Read now? n } 45 articles in oracle.that.was.a.lame.answer. Read now? } g alt.sex.bestiality } 3 articles in alt.sex.bestiality.  Read now? y } [article deleted -- though I did like the part about the yak.] } What next? /bird sex } } Article 90087 in alt.sex.bestiality: } Subject: bird sex } } > In article 90077 big-bird@sesame.street.com writes: } >  While in England, I hired a few fowls for some fun.  I think I was } >  overcharged.  What are the typical rates for groups of chickens on } >  the Isle? } } Well, the last time I was in London, the prices at Gonzo's HenHouse } were: } }     1 Chicken .... 40 pence }     1 Turtledov .... 45 pence }     1 ostrich .... 1 pound, 35 pence } } and for the more kinky amongst us: } }     Chicken 3-way .... 5 guinea, 6 if you want to keep the feathers. } } End of article.  What next? q } ORACLE> ^D } } So there you go. } } You owe the Oracle a good joke to follow up this one:  What is the } difference between kinky and perverse?  If you're kinky you use a } feather.  If you're perverse you use the whole chicken.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wonderful Oracle, whose program requires CPU power incredible please > answer this humble question: > > Recently, I have been hit by an identity crisis.  From the recent > beginning of Everything, I have experienced existing as no less than 473 > different personalities; however never more than one at the same time. > The unfortunate is that no one man can really be 473 people, why I ask > thee: > > DEAR ORACLE, HELP!!  WHO AM I????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Oh, dear.  You are in trouble.  You don't even realize the simple } metaphysical law that *does* allow one man to be 473 people, even at the } same time.  But in any event, it seems that you suffer from } super-duper-pooper-scooper-tempero-persona-displacement complex.  In } other words, you are experiencing all the people you were in past lives } reoccupying your body.  Some people actually enjoy this experience, and } Shirley MacClain may wish to talk to you (and then, boy would you have } problems!). } }       But it seems that you are not enjoying it very much.  In answer to } your question, simply type "whoami" at the next UNIX prompt, and your } friendly, helpful computer will answer that question.  Or clear your } screen to black, clean it very carefully to a high shine, and turn up } the lights in the room really bright.  See that guy in your terminal? } That's you!  Now get out of the terminal before the scanning electron } beam penetrates your skull and does some real damage.  Besides, it's a } vacuum in there.  And turn down the lights, it's hard on the eyes. } }       The oracle recommends learning to like the situation.  Try to } become more than one personality at the same time.  Be several, so that } one of you can do your work for you, one can cook dinner, and two of you } (or more, if you like that sort of thing) can go trysting.  Saves a lot } of time that way! } }       You owe the oracle a copy of Hoyle's Complete Metaphysical Rules } of Existence.