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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh DuperWiseOracle, > > Please tell me: >               What is exactly autocorrelation ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Unwise Human Peon: } } Autocorrelation is an extremely difficult concept to describe without } the use of hyper-dimensional extrapolatory group theory, a theory not } yet invented (by humans, of course it is known to the Oracle).  However, } the Oracle in all its wisdom has developed a technique by which } autocorrelation can be easily demonstrated in a do-it-yourself fashion. } }  1.  Get a minimum of three (3) automobiles, no older than the 1989 } model year.  Pontiac Formulae and any Rolls Royce have been shown to } give the best result, but in emergency cases any vehicle over $15,000 } should give decent data. } }  2.  Let one of the vehicles stand parked in a bad neighbourhood } overnight.  Make a careful list of all the dents, scratches and stolen } parts. } }  3.  Repeat the procedure with a different vehicle.  Compare the lists. } If the list lengths differ by more than 50%, discard the lists, vehicles } and repeat steps 1-3. } }  4.  Torch all three vehicles; do not extinguish the fire until the } first car explodes. } }  5.  This procedure is intended to maximize the autocorrelation, }      therefore: }     a. The unscratched car will explode, thus removing one reason the }        autos did not already correlate very well. }     b. Flames and flying debris will duplicate any harm done to the }        other one of the surviving vehicles.  If that is not possible, }        the region in which the fault existed will get wiped out by the }        blaze, on both cars. } } As you most certainly can see when you perform this experiment, the } latter two autos will correlate very well. } } You owe the Oracle a good, expensive bonfire.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Most wise and all knowing Oracle.  The benevolent despot of all he > surs (and not bad looking too.) Please pity me and answer this qustion > for me.. > > How come there is only one female smurf?  There are, at last count, over > 40 smurfs in the village yet smurfette is never pregnant!  Is Papa Smurf > keeping a harem somewhere?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, the number of times I have had to explain this.  And they wonder why } I am suicidal! } } Smurfs do not have two sexes!  They reproduce by budding, like yeast, } but they have a fiercely high mutation rate, which accounts for } individual differences.  Papa Smurf is the parent of them all.  All of } them were budded from "him" -- one could just as well call Papa Smurf an } "it" -- and they are all little sexless blue monsters.  Smurfs like to } gain the sympathy of humans by pretending to have two sexes.  Now, } ingestion of certain toxic mushrooms will cause the growth of long hair } on Smurfs and the acquisition of certain characteristics that } approximate those of human females.  Lots of Smurfs ingest such fungi in } an attempt to change, but the toxins usually kill them -- only one in } hundreds that try will survive to change into the pseudo-female form } known as a "Smurfette." } } So Smurfette is just another sexless blue Smurf, but one lucky enough to } have survived the toxic mushrooms and changed form. } } You owe the Oracle a giant economy-sized can of Smurf-Away, and the } sense to infer from this explanation the answers to other Smurf } mysteries such as why there is no Mama Smurf, why any normal human hates } Smurfs, etc.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What did the Tibetian monk say to the hot dog vendor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The most famous exchange between a lama and a hot dog vendor occurred } one block south of Times Square in July 1988. } }     Hot Dog Vendor: What can I get for ya today?  Footlong }                     with the works?  I said, what can I get }                     for ya today?  Hey, ya wanna hot dog or }                     not?  Listen if yer not going to order }                     willya move on, I gotta business to run. }                     Stop starin' at me, man.  And wipe that }                     silly grin off yer face.  Say something, }                     dammit, yer givin' me the creeps.  Hey, }                     I get it.  Ya don't any English, do ya? }                     Uh, lessee, yo, uh, tengo los, uh, hot }                     dogs, uh, perros calientes.  Okay, fine! }                     just stand there.  See if I care.  Just }                     don't scare away the customers.  Jeez. }                     Forget it.  Ya wanna Coke?  Coca-cola? }                     I don't care where yer from, ya gotta }                     understand "Coca-cola".  Coca-cola? }                     Stop smiling.  People'll think yer up }                     to something.  Hey, I got all-beefs, }                     beef-n-porks, turkey dogs, polish }                     sausage, and kielbasa.  You can get }                     ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, relish, }                     pickles, or onions on them.  I've got }                     plain and whole grain buns.  I don't }                     care what you want, just order something }                     or leave.  I'm serious, man, if you don't }                     go away, I'll call the cops and have them }                     arrest you for loitering.  Jesus Christ, }                     will you stop staring at me!  STOP IT! }                     At least blink once in a while.  You're }                     driving me crazy!  You wanna Coke?  Wait, }                     no, I already tried that.  Listen, man, }                     I'm serious, stop starin' and grinnin' at }                     me.  I gotta gun under the counter.  I'll }                     use it.  I mean it.  STOP STARING AT ME! }                     STOP IT!  STOP IT!  STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT! }                     YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!  AAAAARGH! }                     STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!  PLEASE LOOK }                     AWAY!  HERE!  OKAY!  I'M MAKING YOU A }                     HOT DOG FOR FREE!  TAKE IT!  EAT IT! }                     JUST GO AWAY!  STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT! }                     YOU WANNA COKE?  OKAY!  HERE'S A COKE! }                     IT'S ON THE HOUSE!  NOW PLEASE GO AWAY! }                     I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS!  YOUR }                     EYES ARE DRIVING ME INSANE!  PLEASE }                     STOPITSTOPITSTOPISTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP! } }             Then the lama widened his grin just enough to barely show }             his teeth.  At that moment the hot dog vendor was }             enlightened. } } You owe the Oracle a better koan.  And a new deli.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, most wise in matters sublime and ridiculous... > > I've heard that the size of a man's feet indicate the size of his > genitals.  What to the size of a woman's feet indicate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle was going to be his usual asinine self and make a big deal } about gramatically malformed questions and stupid spelling errors, but } will skip over that, seeing as you are more properly respectful than Mr. } VMail User and STUDENT, JOE LAMER, whose questions normally fill the } Oracle's inbound queue to bursting without any artistic value whatever; } thus, it has been determined that your question should be graced with an } answer worthy of the Oracle. } } I won't even make a big deal, this time, about you lowercasing the O in } Oracle, for which insult, express or implied, I should smite thee } mightily, but that would mean that I'd forgotten about the } not-being-allowed-to-use-the-word-'thee'-in-casual-conversation clause } of my Oracular software license agreement, so thusly I must forgo the } aforementioned (fortunately, you see, I can use words like "forgo" and } "thusly" all I want, for the time being, at least). } } So, no matter how much I'd like to flame the living water out of your } nose for spelling "do" as "to" in the last sentence of your question, } and even though I can't attribute it to a simple typo on your part since } "d" and "t" aren't adjacent on any keyboard ever made (which, of course, } means I would get bonus points for flaming you about it), I'm not going } to do it:  Truly, I said you would get an answer worthy of the Oracle, } and by the hairs on God's nose, you will. } } Yes, you are fortunate:  Fortunate to be the Asker of the Question of } the What's-Turning-Out-To-Be-The-Greatest-Oracular-Answer-Ever; the } question whose question-and-answer combination will fill an entire } edition of the Oracularities:  what is such an honor worth?  More than a } set of Ginsu II Knives, surely.  But we're not at that part of the } Answer yet; the Obilgations come last.  This Answer is still in the } Flailing Abuse of the Questioner phase.  But, at least, it's out of the } subphase of the One Sentence Paragraphs. } } Ah, but the Great Moment is upon us.  In just a few short lines, you } will know the answer to the question you have asked.  Bet you can't } wait.  Here it comes, the Historical Moment of Revelation... } } The size of her shoes. } } You owe the Oracle..  a less anticlimactic answer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I would like to know who the hell is bringing me bad luck !!!!!!!! > > Last Sunday a f**king thief stole my radio from my father's car, that I > myself had stolen to go to the mountain. This was obviously caused by > some kind of Jonah. > Can you tell me his f**king name and address , 'cause I want to kill > him suddenly . > The end.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fool!  The Oracle has cursed you with bad luck retroactively to last } Sunday as a punishment for your blasphemous question.  To earn your } redemption and re-enter the Oracle's good graces, you must return to the } mountain and perform this cleansing ritual: } }       You will eat or drink nothing for three days, except soap. }       You will speak only when spoken to directly by the Oracle, }       who shall appear before you in many forms and guises.  You }       *will not* swear in the presence of the Oracle. } }       You will wear no clothing other than a T-shirt with a slogan }       such as "I Love the Oracle," "The Oracle Knows All" or "My }       Girlfriend Joined the Oracular Priesthood and All I Got Was }       This Lousy T-Shirt."  On Tuesdays and Fridays you will wash }       the T-shirt, although you yourself will not bathe during the }       cleansing ritual. } }       Each morning at dawn you will face in the general direction of }       iuvax and recite the Pledge of Allegiance, inserting the words }       "the Oracle" at appropriate places in the pledge. } }       Each evening at sunset you will pray to the Oracle, begging for }       forgiveness in the most humble and subservient tone possible }       and promising never again to ask the Oracle a question without }       using the proper amount of flattery and abasement. } }       Each day you will make an offering of some kind to the Oracle, }       preferably an item of monetary value.  Your father's car radio }       will be accepted as the inital offering. } } As this ritual progresses, you will begin to see the error of your ways. } Eventually you will either be forgiven by the Oracle or starve to death. } Of course, if you fail to perform the cleansing ritual you will suffer } under the Oracle's curse until death, which usually takes about 5 } months. } } To give you an idea of what will happen if you fail to seek redemption, } the Oracle has prepared a handy reference chart: } } Weeks stage of the curse      typical effect } ------------------------------------------------------- }  1- 3 Petty Theft             lose small item }  4- 6 Failure                 low final exam grade }  7- 9 Itching                 poison ivy } 10-12 Minor Injury            sprained ankle } 13-16 Major Injury            collapsed lung } 17-21 Illness                 meningitis } 22-23 Death                   eternity in Hell } } Hmmm.  If I were in your shoes, I'd be on the mountain before week ten. } } You owe the Oracle a good set of speakers to go with this car radio.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       What ever happened to those little "Scrubbing Bubble" hot rod > dudes that used to be on the tv..  Did Dow Chemical give 'em good > retirement benefits or what?  Those little hot rod dudes were cool.. > Now that they're gone, I won't buy the stuff anymore.  If Dow's gonna > can my little buddies, then I ain't buying their stuff nohow..  Wanna > beer?? >                                               *RALPH*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Dow has had to cut back on advertising a bit, and was forced to } let the very high paid "Scrubbing Bubbles" go, as their salaries are } quite high.  They regret that other arrangements couldn't have been } made, but they ask that people realize that a company has to run } within its budget if it is to do well.  The "Scrubbing Bubbles" were } last seen at Jerry's Car Wash, doing part time work.  They welcome } visits from old fans, and you should look them up if you are ever in } the Santa Barbara area.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does your help-file say to use the address "iuvax.cs.indiana.edu", > when "cs.indiana.edu" works?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      It's all a sinister plot by the operators of Digital Equipment } Corporation, the manufacturers of VAXen.  Subliminal advertising, doncha } know? } }      You owe the Oracle a....(KNOCK KNOCK)...Excuse me. }                  Hello? }                  "All right, pally!  You're coming with us! }                  Think you can mock DEC, do you?  We'll see about that!" }                  *thud*crunch*whack*

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just what is it you're trying to say?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That I love you.  I love you passionately.  I love your sweet delicate } body, with its firm girlish breasts, its delicate waist, its generous } hips, sweet slender womanly legs, dainty little hands and feet, warm } moist welcoming crotch, swan-graceful elegant neck, flawless lovely } face, cloud of soft fine brown hair.  And those are merely the glories } of your sweet flesh.  Such a mind!  Such a kind heart!  Such intense } womanliness that I cannot understand how any man could resist your } charms even if you were not half so beautiful in form.  I -- } } Oh, shit, wrong questioner.  And I was doing so well, too.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how do you differentiate between 'artificial' and 'human' intelligence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple. Upon opening the cranium, look at the bottom of a brain. If it's } human, it will say "No artificial intelligence included". } } Hey, what are you doing with my head?! Cut that out....

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> That rabbit has stolen my eludium q-36 explosive space modulator.  What > can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "You must go after him!" cried the Red Queen, removing her pressure } helmet and sealing the airlock.  "Quick!  Quick!" } } Alice turned to the control panel, and ran an intimidated eye over the } hundreds of button, dials, and joysticks that covered every visible } surface.  "How?" she asked. } } "Foolish girl!" snorted the Queen "Like this!" So saying, she closed her } eyes, waved one hand over the controls, and stabbed randomly at a bright } blue button.  With a deafening roar, the shuttlecraft emptied its septic } tanks onto the launch pad and began to prepare lunch.  "Or this!" The } Queen pulled back on a strangely-shaped rod, and the little ship leapt } into the air.  The Queen turned to Alice with a satisfied smile.  "See? } It's so *very* simple." } } Alice wasn't all that sure, but knew it would be impolite to argue.  She } watched as the rabbit's ship dwindled into the darkness.  "I don't think } we can catch him." } } "Nonsense!" shouted the Queen.  "Recite!" } } "I beg your pardon?" said Alice, startled. } } "You well should.  Recite, child!" } } With an inward sigh, Alice resigned herself.  "People here certainly do } love poetry," she thought.  Folding her hands, she began: } }   The planets were bored, one afternoon, }   Of circling round the Sun }   And Uranus suggested a country dance }   Might be a bit more fun. } }   "A dance!  A dance!" the asteriods cried }   And turned somersaults in delight; }   So Jupiter sent out engraved invitations }   To a ball that very night. } }   "I haven't a thing to wear" moaned Venus }   And a cloud came over her face }   "Wear your green gown," said Mars with a smile }   "You'll be the prettiest planet in space." } }   Jupiter's moons were the symphonic band }   And Pluto provided the tea; }   Saturn danced rings around all of the others }   But Neptune was rather at sea. } }   Dear little Mercury wouldn't sit down }   Until Earth took him firmly in hand, }   Led him off into the Asteriod Belt, }   And fed him on seed cakes and jam. } }   The dance ended early, when Sol got annoyed }   With their frivolousness and their levity. }   He scolded them back to their orbital paths }   And urged them to all have some gravity.