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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who can guzzle a six-pack of Jolt with no noticeable > side-effects, who grants to us mortals wisdom far beyond our wildest > dreams, who knows why I dream about punctuation, please bring yourself > down off your lofty perch from which you survey the world of mortals and > answer me this...  How can I bring the picture to life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, child...I'd tell you this, but a living woman shaped like Jessica } Rabbit simply couldn't live long or comfortably.  Suppose that the } Oracle told you the incantation and you applied it.  ** poof!  ** the } picture vanishes and a live Jessica Rabbit stands before you.  Before } she can address a word to you in her Kathleen Turner voice, she bends } over in agony.  Of course that tiny waist cannot support the weight of } that big head and those massive bosoms.  From then on, constant pain for } her, trouble with her tiny and insufficient digestive system...death } within a month, and no way to turn her back into a picture to relieve } her agony. } } Don't even think about it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have this perverse and, to me, inexplicable desire to be my > girlfriend.  Is it just an overextension of being so madly in love with > her, or is there something seriously wrong with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Before I begin, I have to yet to see any respect coming from your } puny, worthless being.  You are talking to the great Oracle!  I am not } one who you address without the utmost of respect and groveling.  I } expect better from you next time, since it is obvious that you are } suffering from a severe case of temporary insanity.  Speak to me in such } a petty manner in the future and your life will be exciting and brief. } }       Now, about your problem:  Your problem isn't mental at all.  It is } obvious That you are being possessed by a succubus.  A succubus, for you } of lesser intellects who do not know, is a sexual vampire who visits her } victims in their sleep and drains the victim's lifeforce by *ahem* doing } the nasty with them.  On the whole this is not a particularly BAD way to } go. } }       This desire is obviusly the result of a post-hypnotic suggestion } left bythe undead creature.  Additionally, the succubus and her effects } are also the reasons behind your lack of energy, your aversion to direct } sunlight and your recent case of impotence. } }       To drive this beast away will require you to make the succubus } desire somebody else.  You will have to make yourself as unattractive as } possible.  (Yes,even more unattractive than you are now!  I didn't say } this was going to be easy.) Try eating Mexican food every night.  This } will cause you to flatulate throughout the evening.  Also not brushing } your teeth will give you a case of halitosis from hell.  Try wearing } that pair of camoflage USMC boxer shorts.  You get the idea.  I know you } have tons more tacky stuff to do.  Finally, buy some issues of Playgirl } and post the centerfolds up on your wall to give the succubussome } exposure to her options.  This should do the trick. } }       You owe the Oracle a box of condoms. } }       -*psst* Hey Oracle!  Did he fall for it? }       -Yeah, like a rock.  Did you do what I told you to? }       -Sure did your Oracleness, I called all his friends over to his }          house tonight at around 2:00 AM and have set up a camera with a }          telephoto lens across the street.  This should be hilarious! }          Your jokes just keep getting better and better sir! }       -I know, and to belive the bozo fell for it!.....

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, kind sir, if it pleases you I would be most honored if you > would deign to reveal your predictions for the upcoming World Foozball > Championship match featuring Juwarharlal Smythe and Edward Chowder.  And > what about their recent injuries?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm...  I am not sure if I can do that.  Let me check my Oracular } policy guide. } } > Section 13.6.91.4b: Sporting Event Predictions } > If order to prevent unethical gambling, the Oracle shall not predict } > the outcome of sporting events.  This restriction specifically } > includes boxing, horse racing, and vehicular homicide. } } It doesn't mention Foozball.  Let me check something another section. } } > Section 4.18.12.9f: Definition of a Sporting Event } > A sporting event is defined as an officially sanctioned confrontation } > between two or more satient beings.  The event must procede along } > previously defined rules, and it must be impartially referreed. } > The loser must suffer grevious humiliation, and the winner must gloat } > insufferably.  There must be a significant chance of painful injury. } } Yup, that sounds like Foozball.  However, I remember another relevent } section. } } > Section 4.20.15.2e: Silly Sport Names } > A sport must have a serious name.  For example, football is a serious } > sport; it sounds like it involves kicking people in the groin. } > Squash is even more serious.  Badminton is not a sport; whoever } > heard of a minton, much less a bad one? } } I think Foozball qualifies as a silly name, but there is another } important section. } } > Section 4.23.12.9: Violent Sports } > If an activity is sufficiently violent, then it can qualify as a sport } > regardless of previous conditions.  For example, boxing is putting } > things into boxes.  However, boxing is also pounding your } > opponent into raw hamburger with soft gloves.  Therefore, boxing is } > a real sport. } } Foozball can get very noisy and ugly.  It must be a sport.  Sorry, but } policy forbids me from answering your question.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, >       I keep getting these anonymous letters in my campus mailbox.  The > writer describes in detail how he will ravish me, kiss my beautiful > breasts and stroke my golden hair, how perfectly beautiful a woman I am > -- except that I'm not a woman.  Who is sending the letters, and why? > They are addressed to me specifically, so I don't think that it's an > accident, and they're hand-written.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...  this is a very disturbing situation.  The possibility does } exist that in the original design of the universe, you were intended to } be a woman, but due to a design oversight, at the last minute they } corected the flaw by converting you to a man.  However, they did not } change all references to you, and as a result some people still believe } you are a woman, and will continue to believe this until they try to get } you into bed. } Perhaps you should seek out the sender of these letters (check for } fingerprints) and reveal your true identity to him, by showing the proof } of your gender, in all its glory.  If he still comes after you, RUN. } } You owe the Oracle a can of mace.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Heard any good ones lately?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you know, I...gee, hmmm, let me see, uh, just a mnute, gosh.  Boy, } I know I heard something, what the hell was it?  Hmm.  Hmmmmmm! } HMMMMMMMMM!  Oh, anyway, I...uh...oh yeah!  No, no, that's not it. } Maybe...hmmm.  Jeez, and I wrote it down, too.  Let's see, have I heard } any good ones lately?  Hmmm...er...well, I dunno...hmm.  Perhaps...nahh. } How about...?  I don't think so..ahhh, no.  I'll look over here...no, } none in there.  Let me call next door and see if they've heard any good } ones.  Where's that...uh, whatisicalled...umm, damn!  I know I just saw } it.  Hmmm.  Just go ahead and have a seat, I'm sure I'll have it in a } minute...ehhh...no, that ain't it.  How about under here?  AHA!  Found } it!  Nope, damn, doesn't seem to be working...I'll...er...hmmm.  Boy, I } just don't know...gosh!  Gee, what...no, well.... } } Nope, I guess not. } } You owe the Oracle a...hmm, what the hell was that thing called?  I'd } know it if I saw it.  Hmmm....

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> That's not a Telephone! That's a Gas Pump! Oops, too late. Oh my god... > > What do I do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, calm down...firstly, did you try to call long-distance?  You did? } Uh-oh...  DON'T PANIC...now, firstly, replace the receive-er-the pump. } Now pay the man standing there ranting at you for the gas currently } soaking your jacket...  NO!!!  DON'T SMOKE..._phew_ that was close. } Now, some small tests here:  When you shake your head does it slosh? } Yes?  OK now put your head on your shoulder and let all the gas flow out } again...done that?  Good...now the next stage is very critical so don't } make a mistake...NO!  DON'T SMOKE!!!...yes, coffee is OK, just avoid the } cigarettes...now wander into that laundrette over there nice and quietly } and remove all your gas-soaked clothes -er- better skip the underwear } and load it into that machine.  Yes, take your wallet out of yor pants } first.  Now put some change in the machine and start the cycle... } } Hum a little if you like, yes, it'd help pass the time...hmmm, why no } water yet...wait, that's a dryer, quick get the clothes out of there } before they catch fire - aargh too late.  OK, now's where we start a new } fashion trend:  the 'Struck by Lightning' look...or perhaps the 'I'm a } failed Fire-fight'... } } You Owe the oracle a new set of clothes

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I keep getting questions supposedly from people who have had > their identities changed and want to change back?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you are the head of the Justice Department's Witness } Relocation Program.  You'd better get back to the office, the paper } work is pilling up. }       No, no.  Just kidding.  That was part of the famous Oracle } silliness. }       Because you are Madge the Manicurist and your gay lover has } held up a bank and-- }       No, no.  Just kidding.  I'm the Oracle, and I'm just wacky } as all get out. }       Because people see in you a remarkably sensative and caring } individual and a credit to the human race. }       No, no.  Kidding, kidding!  Ain't I just as loopy as a loon? } Nutty, nutty, nutty! } } You owe the Oracle an answer to your question.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Grand and Goodly and Gregarious and...  Uh...  Oh, hell... > Oracle: > > If you could be any type of tree, what type of tree would you be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once a password hacker sat by his terminal } Under the shade of a binary tree } And he sang as he sat and waited 'til his code compiled: } "You'll come a-cracking computers with me" } } Chorus:       "Cracking computers, cracking computers, }        You'll come a cracking computers with me..." }       And he sang as he sat and waited 'til his code compiled: }       "You'll come a cracking computers with me." } } Down sat a user, to work at that terminal } Up sat the cracker, and watched him with glee } And he sang as he saved that password in his datafile: } "You'll come a cracking computers with me." } } Chorus. } } Down came the admin, into the computer room } Down came a super-user or three } "Whose is that password you've got in your datafile }  You'll come a-cracking computers with me." } } Chorus. } } Up jumped the cracker, and turned off the terminal } "You'll never catch me online" cried he! } But his code may be heard as you log on that terminal... } "You'll come a-cracking computers with me." } } Chorus. } } The Oracle wants to be an alpha-beta pruned balanced AVL tree, } or a Coolibah tree, whichever turns you on. } } You owe the Oracle a book of Australian folksongs. Or a better } songwriter.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle, >     I, your most honorable servant calls upon your wonderous knowledge > to answer my most deepest question. >     My girlfriend has the most beautiful red hair and gorgeous green > eyes. Whenever we are in bed, on a table, or in the bathtub making > whoopie, I get an image of Christmas. Then, I think of God and him > watching over us performing an adulerated act of lust and I lose my > erection. It is killing our relationship. What am I to do. > >                                  -- Cathy's Clown

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Your story touches the Oracle deeply.  Therefore, several } solutions to your problem will be presented.  Perhaps one will suit } you.  And since you have used the proper amount of flattery in the } introduction to your question, some of these solutions may even } be beneficial, rather than the highly destructive form mvst suggestions } from the Oracle take on the mortal human form. } }       First possibility: change girlfriends, to one with different } hair or eye colors.  The Oracle knows many (at least one) deserving } male to whom you cvuld give your present girlfriend.  This is probably } not what you had in mind. } }       Second possibility: Have your girlfriend change the color of } her hair or eyes.  This may make her less attractive to you, but at } least you'll be able to hump away without guilt. } }       Third possibility: only screw in the dark, where you cannot see } her eyes and hair, thus cannot be reminded of certain deities. } }       Fourth possibility: let the colors remind you of something } else.  M&Ms come in green and red (among other colors), and the green } ones are rumored to be an aphrodasiac among your species.  You could } make a game of it by reminding yourself of stoplights--at the beginning } of the stroke you look into her eyes, and the green says go.  As you } move upward, you see her red hair, and red means stop, so you don't } split her up the middle with your, uh, sword.  See how easy this } possibility is? } }       Fifth possibility: look only into her eyes.  Lose yourself in } them while slowly making love to her.  Very romantic. } }       Sixth possibility: change positions.  In the so-called doggie- } style position, you will only be able to see her hair. } }       Seventh possibility: change deities to one who yoz believe is more } into sex.  Guys like Zeus and Thor were always sleeping around, } practicing lust themselves.  They would probably cut you some slack. } }       Eighth possibility:remember that Christmas is a family holiday, } and note that you are just practicing for having a real family. } }       Ninth possibility: go faster.  Then you can't lose your erection } before the act is complete.  She may protest this one. } }       (and just to make it a round number) Tenth possibility: read } rec.arts.erotica, alt.sex, or alt.bizarre.perverts (depending on your } general bent) tv cause high hormone levels, and thus prevent this } horrid erectile dysfunction.  Of course, if your girlfriend can't turn } you on mvre than this reading material, you're in deep trouble.  And } having a terminal in bed is a little awkward, but it will save time } and trouble in case you have to consult the Oracle suddenly during the } night. } }       There you go.  Practice these and you're on your way to overcoming } this God paranoia and } } Message from God@pearly.heaven.org } ZZZZZZZZZZOT! } }       Well, gotta go now.  Good luck!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear oracle: > > I am about to cough.  I feel a small yet inextinguishable cough rising > up from the bottoms of my lungs.  It is drifting slowly and inexorably > up my throat.  Soon it will reach my mouth, and then propel itself unto > the audient void.  What shall I do, Oh great and wise oracle, whatever > shall I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a good thing you contacted the Oracle when you did, because that's } NO ORDINARY COUGH!!  That long, slow cough is the terminal symptom of } Kratzmeyr's Syndrome, a rare, fatal disease caused by a mutated form of } the Whooping Cough virus somehow implanted into the Black Plague } bacterium, along with bits and pieces of DNA from anthrax, German } measles, and a nasty head cold.  You aren't going to cough, you're } actually going to regurgitate your entire digestive tract and several } smaller organs.  Lucky for you, the Oracle can tell you the only known } cure.  Two minutes more, and it would have been too late.  Just a sec } ...  It's right hear <flipitaflipitaflip> ...  hold on a minute ... } <shuffleshuffleshuffle> ...  coulda sworn it was in that pile - maybe } it's over here <THUD!!flitterflutter> aHA!  Got it.  You still there? } } Hello? } } Yuk.