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} A few days ago? It wouldn't have been last Saturday night, would it?
} Ah, that explains it. You don't remember much about what happened, do
} you? Okay. Okay, you can trust the old Oracle on this one. Many
} beings, both mortal and immortal, when in the presence of another being
} trying to account for unexplained gaps in their memory (eg. waking up
} in foreign cities with strange women) will invent colourful tales about
} how badly they did last night. The unfortunate with the memory loss
} will be told that they were responsible for the hitherto unexplained
} stomach contents on the rosebush, or they will be told how disgusted the
} only single and attractive female/male (depending upon gender and/or
} known personal preference) in the place was after the said unfortunate
} made a very drunk effort at chatting up said single SO candidate. The
} Oracle does not believe in fooling around like this. It is bad enough
} trying to tell people the truth.
}
} The party you were at was gatecrashed by sixty-three small beings from
} the planet Snurfl. These beings, who are two feet tall, purple, and
} like vomiting in rosebushes, picked someone at random to give mystical
} powers. Yes. It is YOU.
}
} The crescent-shaped mark is really just an outline of the croissant that
} they placed on your skin. It is therefore not the mark that's abnormal,
} it's the rest of your skin. You were not always a Negro. It's just
} they messed with your mind to make you _think_ you're a Negro.
}
} You see, the croissant was a croissant endowed with mystical powers,
} which, when exposed to the light of the moon, gave you strange powers.
} (Actually, the light of any natural satellite will do, provided that it
} is revolving around the world that these beings are currently visiting.)
} The powers of the crescent are explained to you in the instruction
} manual. What do you mean, "what instruction manual?" The one they left
} in the back pocket of your jeans, of course! Oh. You mean, when you
} woke up, you were wearing no clothes? That is quite common, many people
} don't wear - Oh, you also couldn't find your clothes. Well, that's not
} a problem. Someone dropped them here a few days ago. I do wish people
} wouldn't stop using the Oracle as a sort of omniscient lost-and-found
} centre.
}
} Anyway, instructions. I'll just get them out of your pocket. <shuffle
} shuffle unfold unfold> Ah, here we are.
}
} -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- CUT HERE -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
}
} INSTRUCTIONS FOR USE OF CROISSANT MIND CHANNELING DEVICE ver.1 rel.2
}
} (C) PURPLE BEINGS OF PLANET SNURFL. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. REPRODUCTION
} OF THESE INSTRUCTIONS BY ANY BEING EXCEPT THE PURPLE BEINGS OF PLANET
} SNURFL AND THEIR AUTHORISED AGENTS WILL RESULT IN PROSECUTION UNDER THE
} INTERGALACTIC COPYRIGHT LAWS. PENALTY: DESTRUCTION OF YOUR HOME PLANET.
}
} [whew, those copyright laws are TOUGH! Lucky they gave me the authority]
}
} CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE NOW THE PROUD OWNER OF THE "CROISSANT MIND
} CHANNELING DEVICE". USED WITH CARE, THIS DEVICE WILL GIVE YOU A
} LIFETIME OF UTILITY AND PLEASURE AND GIVE YOU POWERS YOU ONLY DREAMED OF
} BEFORE!
}
} INSTALLATION
} ============
} 1. UNCLOTHE, OR BE UNCLOTHED.
} 2. AFTER GREASING THE DOLPHIN, INSERT...
}
} [well, I guess we can skip this part, since it's already installed.
} What, you want to know anyway? Your clothes are on the way back to
} your home by registered mail, so you will get to find out. Be
} warned: it is more embarassing than you think.]
}
} OPERATION
} =========
} TO FOCUS YOUR THOUGHTS:
} 1. CONCENTRATE ON THE MARK, SAYING "CRESCENT MARK, O CRESCENT MARK."
} 2. HAVING ENERGISED THE MARK THUS, NOW CONCENTRATE ON WHATEVER ELSE
} YOU WISH TO FOCUS ON. THE MARK WILL BE ENERGISED AS LONG AS YOU
} WISH IT TO BE.
} 3. TO DEENERGISE THE MARK, STOP CONCENTRATING.
}
} TO PERFORM TELEKINESIS:
} 1. DIP THE MARK IN ANY HIGH OCTANE FUEL, TO GIVE THE MARK ADDITIONAL
} ENERGY.
} 2. CONCENTRATE ON THE MARK, SAYING "CRESCENT MARK, O CRESCENT MARK."
} 3. WISH THE OBJECT TO MOVE. TELL THE OBJECT "YOU HAVE THE MEANS TO
} MOVE. YOU CAN NOW MOVE. MOVE THUSLY." THE OBJECT WILL MOVE AS
} YOU WISH IT TO MOVE, AND FOR AS LONG AS YOU WISH IT TO MOVE.
} 4. TO DEENGERGISE THE MARK, STOP CONCENTRATING, AND REMOVE THE MARK
} FROM THE HIGH OCTANE FUEL.
} WARNING: BE SURE THE OBJECT IS AT REST AND IN A STABLE AND TENABLE
} POSITION BEFORE DEENERGISING, AS UNPREDICTABLE RESULTS MAY OCCUR.
}
} [No need to continue. You have enough to keep you going until your
} clothes arrive with these instructions in them. One more thing,
} though:]
}
} WARNING
} =======
} READ THESE INSTRUCTIONS BEFORE PERFORMING A SPECIFIC FUNCTION. THE
} MANUFACTURERS ARE NOT LIABLE FOR ANY LOSS OR INJURY THAT MAY OCCUR
} AS A RESULT OF NOT READING THESE INSTRUCTIONS.
}
} [Oh, dear. I hope you were careful.]
}
} -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
}
} So there you have it. It is - Oh, hang on a minute, someone's at the
} door.
}
} The oracle opens the door to see nineteen small purple beings from
} the planet Snurfl. They are wearing suits.
}
} The Oracle: Good morning, beings. How can I help you?
}
} Purple Beings: You quoted the Instructions without permission, didn't
} you?
}
} TO: No, I am authorised. Here's my card.
}
} <Purple beings squint at the card for a few minutes.>
}
} PB: Sorry, it's expired.
}
} TO: Expired? It cannot be!
}
} PB: See the date? Big Bang Era 14 589 839 382. 1989 in Earth measure.
}
} TO: But... but... I can explain....
}
} PB: I'm sure you can. You have fourteen days, or this planet gets the
} Big Zark.
}
} TO: Oh, shit, I've done it now....
}
} <Purple beings take off in a large pizza shaped spacecraft>
}
} Oracle returns to answering mail:
}
} Well, anyway, there are the instructions. And there are a few other
} cautions as well. Do not bend. Keep out of reach of children.
} You know, the usual - Wait a moment.
}
} You don't believe a word of this, do you? You think it was ME that
} went and did that to you? You think I go around to parties and do
} things like that, then lie about it if I'm asked about it afterwards?
} Well, I'll PROVE it. I won't appeal to the Purple Beings from the
} Planet Snurfl. I'll just let it lapse. Then they will come and
}
} B L O W T H I S P L A N E T T O B I T S ! ! !
}
} How do you like that, eh? How does it feel to be responsible for
} the Ultimate Ecological Damage, 1e+12 times worse than the Exxon
} Valdez? Just you wait until May 10, when the fourteen days are up!
} Then you'll be sorry!
}
} You owe the Oracle refugee status for the Oracle on any nearby world
} with sentient beings.
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