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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most hot and exciting oracle, I have been trying to answer a > question about life.  But, since I am lacking the gray matter that you > posses, could you please answer it for me. >       Because of a technicality, I lost a GTA position that I had been > after for over a year.  Will I ever get to go to graduate school?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The future is a peculiar place.  As many have surmised, it is } indeterminate: A probability distribution rather than a unique path. } Only the Oracle has the massive mental mechanics to examine this } meandering morass of multifarious mazes and distangle its twisted and } tortuous turnings to discover their determined direction.  The Oracle } is good at alliteration, too.  Let's examine a few possible paths lying } before you: } }     #134) (probability 4.5%) You are accepted to graduate school next }     semester, after spending the intervening months working at Burger }     King.  You are offered a surprisingly generous assistantship, which }     you accept happily.  You travel to central Nebraska to take up your }     new position, where you are captured by white slavers, branded, and }     sold to a brothel in Teheran. } } That one doesn't sound so nice.  You can avoid it by not having corned } beef for lunch tomorrow. } }     #512) (probability 0.04%) You receive a letter in two weeks }     apologizing profusely for the error processing your application. }     Two vital forms were accidentally placed in another students' }     folder.  They beg you to forgive them and not to sue their asses }     black and blue.  You decide to do so, but cut yourself on the }     envelope when you try to mail them your acceptance of the position. }      You die of blood poisoning within hours. } } Better, but still not nice.  Be sure to wear blue socks tomorrow. } }     #688) (probability 54.7%) You are never accepted to any graduate }     school, and struggle for several years in a succession of }     unsatisfying low-level jobs.  One day, while working late to meet a }     deadline, you meet the daughter of the chairman of the board, who }     is captivated by your winning smile.  After a whirlwind romance, }     you are married, and promoted to Vice President for Development and }     Research. } } Now that's more like it!  Just the kind of future the Oracle likes to } see. And to make certain that it happens, all you have to do is... } lemme see... don't ask the Oracle if you'll go to grad. school. } } Oh. } } You owe the Oracle a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese and a } glass of orange juice.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wise and Powerful Oracle, >     Please answer my one deepest question.  Why do girls who join > sororities become such bitches and sluts?  Is there any way I can keep > my girlfriend from joining one? >                                      -- Cathy's Dude

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Twas the night before finals at the Delta Mu house } Not a sister was studying nor wearing a blouse } The seniors were hanging their douche bags with care } And picking crabs out of their dark pubic hair. } Their fingernails polished, hair perfectly spritzed, } Heading to town to get totally blitzed. } Looking for Porsches, and Volvos, and Rolls, } Tight Spandex accenting the means to their goals. } Muffy was cleaning her leather and lace } As Shelly begged Milly to sit on her face. } Foundation was flying, the rouge on the puffs } Fixing their cheekbones while shaving their muffs. } Debbie was pulling on denim so tight } To make sure that no geeks got in there tonight. } Searching for mai-tais and fortune and fame } Dreaming of Gold Cards engraved with their name. } We only screw money, our deans and our jocks } The hell with the health food, bring bagels and lox! } We're bitches on Mondays, on Tuesdays we're sluts } On Wednesdays we strap on fake dildos and nuts } Thursdays we all pile up in one big bed } It's chain cunnilingus, just watch those legs spread! } On Fridays we find the best parties in town } And drink all their Chivas, Jack Daniels, and Crown. } On Saturday we shop till we drop in the stores } And call independents dumb bastards and whores. } On Sundays we're angels, we never miss mass } The priest probably needs him a good piece of ass. } And when the week's over we all need our rest } Our eyes slowly close, the sun sets in the west. } We're the stuck up slut bitches of dear Delta Mu } Can't you see, you dumb bastard, we're too good for you! } } You owe the Oracle a Beta-release Alpha Delta Pi, deloused.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh kind and military Oracle, whose gonadses are like unto supreme > rhodiums, I abase myself in the face of your cosmic intelligence.  Why > did Ivan the Terrible just steal my referee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a beautiful day for football, folks, and that's what we're going } to have: Football!  And the two teams are just coming onto the field... } from my right, the Czars of All the Russias!  And from my left, 50 } scrawny computer geeks!!! } } <Crowd cheering> } } Here's the opening kickoff... Peter the Great drops back.. he's got it } on the 10... the 20... the 30... Ooh!  Now's there's a REAL hit for } you!  That geek isn't getting up anytime soon!  Peter is passing } mid-field... there's no one near him! ... TOUCHDOWN!  They don't call } him "Great" for nothing, ladies and gentlemen! } } <Crowd cheering> } } Nicholas the First is kicking for the Czars... it's up and caught on } the twenty by a geek from Purdue.  He's to the 25... 30... Wow!  What a } hit by Ivan the Terrible!  I think he's actually taken that boy's head } off. There's blood all over the field - penalty!  The referee has } called a penalty on Ivan, and is conferring with the back judge. } Spearing!  It's a spearing call on Ivan, and the geeks will get 15 } yards for that one.  Ivan is plenty mad now... What? He's back out on } the field with a troop of kossaks!  He's grabbed the referee, and he's } carrying him off to the locker rooms!!  We've heard some pretty } gruesome stories about the goings-on in that Czarist lockerroom; I } wouldn't want to be that referee today. } } <Crowd cheering> } } You owe the Oracle a better sound-effects generator.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There, see it?  Have you looks and talk just right path of an unladen > swallow is, please tell me:  What is a hymen and exit visas were > imminent.  I understand, ice-weasels come.  Have you underneath.  At > night, pondering to fill thing a recent shaped me it was not a math TA! > I have a 49a, a 19, a x23b, and forever sleep or snowmobile and Mandy > and let him then kill him, or let her have a question of X-Face has > been seeking her out an acceptable and forever sleep or snowmobile > again.  I told your wisdom 'cuz I'm mighty pissed at my fool friend. > He still puzzled as to how do to get pregnant in seen before.  Like > actually mean that I'm mighty, omnipotent Oracle Way, I can I cared. > Love is like me except she's shorter but the foe, whirling a mighty > master, for good, but am still puzzled as to how I got the Hell's mah > Money?  Affairs?  Oh Oracle Way.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Now you've got my attention!  That question just crashed the } ADVANCED ORACLE QUESTION PARSING FACILITY and I hope you're happy with } yourself.   After sifting through thousands of pieces of netmail a } minute for the gov..  er, for fun, i mean.  After sifting through } thousands of pieces of mail and credit transactions, arrest reports, } electric, phone, air, bus, gas bills and medical records in order to } compile files on every living being with a social security # for the.. } er, for fun, you crash it with a silly message! Well, rest assured when } this goes in your little file next to the incident when you and the } neighborhood kids played "Catch The Leg" with the poor old deceased } Reverend Scruggs you wont be working for the FBI!! So There! } } You owe the oracle four ordered sorts, three linked lists, two hex } dumps and a node in a binary tree.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Whazza matter?  Forgot your question?  Or are you just awestruck by } my awesome, 100Gbyte, glorious splendor? } } Yep.  That's it.  My splendor.  Well, put on some sunglasses (veerrry } dark) to help shade out some of this brilliant light and I will help } you find your question.  What's that?  You just wanted to SEE my glory } and that's all?? Well!  I'm flattered!  Thank you very much.  But I } would really like a question from you. } } What's that?  Your question is: "Why are you so splendiforous, O } magnificent Oracle?"  Well, it because of all the questions that I } answer from day to day. The more questions I answer, the more glorious } and famous I become.  The 220v line from the three-phase wires outside } help some too. } } You don't owe the Oracle anything.  You have paid enough with your } worship and groveling.  Thank you.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great O.  Who's shoes I'm not even worthy of cleaning > with my tongue, > > I am looking for an adventure,  were can I find one? > (If you could, preferably one like Indy has)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant-Who-Does-Not-Know-the-Correct-Possessive-of-"Who": }       You seek a grave and dangerous thing.  Adventures like Indy } has are few and far between and Steven Spielberg bought the rights } to about three-fourths of them. }       The ones that are left aren't nearly as good, either. } There's "[Hero's Name] and the Squant, Brown Rock" and "[Hero's } Name] and the Nagging Girlfriend" and "[Hero's Name] and the Really } Bad Paper Cut" and that's about it. }       What I would advise you to do is try something a little } safer than "Indy Adventures" (TM) for the time being.  Maybe start } by trying to cash an out-of-state check at a department store.  Or } by claiming the person in front of you at the supermarket is going over } the ten item limit with his two six-packs.  Or by kill a rabbit with } your bare hands and ripping its skin off with your teeth. }       After you do these simple and every day things a few times, } then you'll be able to build up to more exciting adventures -- like } "[Hero's Name] and the Old Head of Lettuce." } } You owe the Oracle the international distribution rights to "[Hero's } Name] and the Ninteen Drunk Co-eds."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omni* oracle, who is always <insert complementary attribute here>, > and also has the <adjective> <noun>.  Please bestow upon me, your > humble <noun>, the benefit of your knowledge. > > Tell me why is Immanuel Kant so hard to read? What is the reason for > his obtuse abstract writing style in 'Prolegomena to Any Future > Metaphysics"? > > mortally yours, > saul supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Oh such grovelling.  You are truly a(n) <adjective-positive> } <noun-singular>, so unlike the other <noun-plural>, who tend to <verb> } so <adjective-negative>.  It really <verb-singular> me off when } <pronoun-plural> <verb-plural> me such <adjective> <noun-plural>. } }       Now on to your <noun>.  The reason the <noun-plural> of } <noun-proper-singular> are so <adjective> <verb-infinitive> is because } when <pronoun-singular> was <verb-progressive> <noun-proper-singular> } and his <adjective> works, he was also <verb-singular> drugs of } <adjective> types.  <pronoun-singular> also <verb-progressive-past> in } another <noun-singular>, <noun-proper-singular>, and } <verb-progressive> into English. } } <helping-verb-singular> <indicator> <verb-helped> } <possesive> <noun-singular> <adverb>? } } You owe the Oracle a parser.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Was humpty dumpty pushed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes he was. } } Mr. Dumpty was visiting a very seductive Little Miss Muffet in the wee } hours of the evenings.  Things got very serious between them, but } Humpty easily tired of the bedroom activities because Miss Muffet was } on a low cholestrol diet and wouldn't swallow.   He started calling } upon Jack Sprat's wife in secrecy.  Well, Jack and Miss Muffet weren't } stupid, and one day when Humpty was sitting on this wall writing his } mistress a poem, Jack spied up to him, and... } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the new Mother Goose Book of Pornography.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do women use vaginal douches?  Why are they so happy about them on > TV commercials?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Women don't actually use douches of any kind.  It's all } part of the campaign to make men uncomfortable.  Douche } commercials, tampon commercials, sanitary napkin commercials, } feminine hygiene spray commercials, vaginal contraceptive } suppository commercials -- all a hoax, perpetrated by the } underground matriarchy which holds all the power in the } United States. } } Ever notice how all these products are placed in one part } of the store?  That's so males can't stand around, looking } at something that supposedly interests them, and } monitoring the consumption of these items.  Occasionally, a } woman will buy one of these products, to keep men off } their guard.  But do they actually use them?  No.  They } return them to the store when men aren't looking.  All } the feminine hygiene products in stores today have existed } since 1950, when women found natural ways to suppress } menstration, ovulation, and any odors they found to be } unpleasant. } } You owe the oracle a remote control that recognizes } the words, "Mom, do you douche?", and immediately } changes the channel. } } O@D/pc

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My father was a good woman.  My mother was a distinguished old > gentleman. I am either a fine young lady or a handsome young man, but I > can't tell which.  Please help.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Och, another tragic case of gender term confusion.  Obviously the } result of these idiots who want to outlaw all gender specific words } from the english language.  By all that is decent and holy, if I ever } hear the word chairperson again I'll scream.  Not to mention sanitation } engineer. Where I come from, a man's a man, and a woman's a woman, and } a janitor's a janitor and there ain't no such animal as a custodial } engineer.  Anyway this fine person has a problem, and I'm honor bound } to help the poor soul. Young sir, or madam, as the case may be, I see } that you are deeply troubled, but there is a solution.  "Hooked on } Phonics" that classic material that helps you learn to read, by setting } the instructions to music just might help you.  You see, the good, wise } people at "Hooked On Phonics" Inc. know the value of gender specific } nouns and pronouns and after relearning how to read with their } incredible cassettes, your dilemma should be solved. } } You owe the Oracle a... What's that?  You already know how to read. } } Oh, well, this Orbital Mind Control Laser should take care of that, } draing the knowledge out of your head in moments.  Hold please. } } ZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP! } } There you go, now rush and order "Hooked on Phonics" } } You owe the Oracle a message to the Hooked on Phonics people that they } owe me 10% commission for this.