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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the meaning of life, if any?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The meaning of life, my child, is a complex idea, far beyond the mental } capacities of mortals.  However, life is like a computer program, some } are good, some are bad, all have different functions.  And when you are } done, you must pay the author so get a better registered version.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, please answer me this : > > I have recently acquired the urge to get severely beaten by a good > woman.  Unfortunately a good woman with complimentary urges is hard > to come by.  Where exactly can I get one from and how do I recognise > that she is indeed the one for me ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}          The person in question may acquire such a female in any given } leather bar in the SF Bay Area.  The person will know that the woman } is the one for him/her because his/her name will be tatooed on her } left buttock.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how may one obtain true wisdom in this world without the use of a 31 MIP > color UNIX workstation with two 351 megabyte disks and internet access?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wisdom cannot be achieved through the mere use of a colour Unix } workstation even if it does have two 351 megabyte disks AND internet } access.  For true wisdom one requires a black and white workstation for } this provides greater resolution and a far steadier display.  Until you } possess this you will never know true wisdom. } } Take it from me, though - true wisdom ain't all it's cracked up to be.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whenever I eat mushrroms with a delicate cream sauce, I have an > overwelming urge to blind people I don't even know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Astoundingly, even to the ever-wise and all-knowing ORIFICE, } 'er ORACLE, your problem is you cannot spell properly. } } MUSH-R-ROMS are ROMS that are to be used to store copyrighted (R) } software (MUSH).  "Mushrooms" or "rooms" as we used to say in the } context of "za" at the Oregon State AbNormal School for Oracles } are for eating!  Since MUSH-R-ROMS are irradiated in order to } store data, it is clear that the radiation has disturbed your } lateral geniculate and has given you "seer" envy, in which you } blind innocent bystanders, and ask the ORACLE, dumb questions. } } To avoid this problem in the future where "Seer-Sucker" PJs! } } Signed, } } ORACLE,  speaker of truth, cross-licenser of patents, and mentor }          to Soderbloom.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to come by bike tomorrow. Will the weather be good enough ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Little acid raindrop in the air of ASDARTZ, third planet of Betelgeuse. } As you choose not to show the right attitude with respect to Us, the } great Usenet Oracle, you will be punished. } } Thus it was said, that on every day two-wheeled transportation was } choosen, rain was falling on you.  And, further it was said, that on } every day four-wheeled transportation was choosen, the sun was heating } your squirmy almost invisible brain out. } } And remember!  Those who want to walk in the sun, take their umbrella } with them, and those who expect rain, take swimming lessons.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a problem with extreme flatulence.  Whenever I move suddenly, a > great gust of methane erupts from my buttocks.  This can be extremely > embarassing at times, especially when the said eruption is accompanied > by a noise not unlike a chorus of trumpeteers. > > I'm at my wits end.  What can I do ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Maybe if you whistle a horn part along with it no one will notice.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, tell me: Why are people so stupid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One day, a man, who though himself better than most, sought to find a } measure for that most godly of gifts, intelligence (not to be confused } with military intelligence, which is disapproved of by both the gods } and Groucho Marx). So he defined a number, which was 100 for an mediocre } brain, higher for a better, and lower for a worse. } } However, as a part of the Great Convenant between the gods and men, the } Divine Normalisation Institute (DNI) ruled that every rating should be } between 0 and 100, 100 indicating a maximum. Thus, man was condemned to } mediocrity.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is there kiwi fruit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       There are Kiwi fruits so that there is more food that you cn } laugh at.  Think about it, how much food can you really laugh at?  Not } much.  Rice is a staple, as is potatoes, pasta, and flour.  Therefore } there needs to be something to laugh at, thus kiwi fruit.  Ever look } at a Kiwi fruit?  It does not even look right, now does it?  I mean, } really, what kind of fruit looks fuzzy and green.  If I saw something } like that sitting on the counter, I would figure it to be a lime gone } bad, but no, it's a kiwi. }       So Kiwi's are here to confound and amuse. }       Have a lemon.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do the following exist: (a) pain and suffering >                             (b) Beverly Hillbillies reruns >                             (c) Films starring John Travolta > ... and are they related?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} a) pain & suffering exist for the indulging in sexual pleasures. } b) beverly hillbillies reruns exist to get the male organ going for elle }    may. } c) so males can feel superior, for everyone looks better than travolta. } } Yes they are related for without these how could one live a life for } of sin.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have had diarrhea now for several years and a diagnosed, > stress-induced spastic colon. Is there anything I can do, oh mighty > one, to stop this seething flow of bubblin' crude?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Take Peto-Bismol