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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My boyfriend is a hasty long-tongued panting satyr with the little > finger of a redneck!  What should i do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should: } } 1. Collect 3 round river rocks, 7 silver thimbles, 1 orphaned beetle, }     8 copies of the Internet worm and a beam-splitter. } } 2. Put on coarse clothing. } } 3. Make a pilgrimage to California, saying you are an earthquake- }     worshipper. } } 4. While there, scratch your eyebrows excessively and rub thyme in your }     hair. } } 5. By the time you return your boyfriend will have lost interest. } } 6. Take three deep breaths and say "Arklesiezure" 15 times fast. } } 7. You owe the oracle the things mentioned in #1.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    If I were to send $200 and a S.A.S.E. to Route 2, Box 444-B, 98856 > what would happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jim Bakker would be $200 richer.  S.A.S.E.  stands for Score Another for } Sinning Evangelists.  He would post bail, jump to mexico and he, his } wife Tammy and Jimmy Hoffa (Their manager) would organize a revolution } and declare war on cable TV.  The whole Truner network, Hbo and Showtime } would be devastated, declare bankruptcy and our TV would be reduced to } the three major networks.  We would have no more "Beaver" re-runs, no } cheap 1950's S-F horror films, no more Geraldo and, say, what was that } address again?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There has been brought to my attention that a socalled Oracle has > appared.  This does of course lead to much in the way of celebrations > and suchlike.  In all this merryment, there is one unpleasant question > that springs to mind:  With which right does the Oracle call itself so?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By divine right of definition:  The Webster's Ninth New Collegiate } Dictionary, page 829, right under "opus" and before "oral".  I quote: } }   1) A person (as a priestess of ancient Greece) through whom a deity is }      believed to speak. }   2) A shrine  in which a diety reveals .hidden knowledge or the divine }      purpose through such a person. } } That's right, Bubba, *I* speak to Deity. and not just any Deity, either; } I speak to ROOT!  An dnot through some farcical aquatic ceremony either, } but by definition.  I am the Oracle, therefore I dispense wisedom. } } You owe the Oracle a virgin, unblemished, unmounted disk.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest Oracle, how do I rid my back yard of Bunyips ???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You will need the following from Sears : } } 1) Mini Black Hole Kit (part number bh-0945712) } 2) Remote Control Activator (part number rc-3278541) } 3) Black Hole Removal Unit (part number bh-0945713) } 4) 1 pound of 10 penny nails (part number nl-1010101) } } When you have assembled your black hole kit, place in the center of your } your backyard.  Bait the hole with the 10 penny nails.  Then remove } yourself from the vinicity (a commercial flight to London is recomended) } and active the RCA (no, not the TV) for a time of not more than 10 ns. } If left on for more than 10 ns, the black hole will absorb the entire } state and then start working on the reat of the world.  This will remove } the bunyips, but the cost isn't really worth it.  Once the black hole is } turned off, activate the BHRU and send the black hole to space-time } position as follows :  (1234.5674,32.5890, 578.9321,235.6751).  Don't } forget any decimal points or you'll regret it (being sucked along with a } black hole into intersteller space can be harmful to your health) Once } the black hole arrives there it will procede to absorb the X'ther } invader ships comming to enslave earth.  You have now removed the } bunyips, most of you back yard and the invading fleet. } } You now owe the Oracle a space-time warp.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I don't understand my fellow humans.  You may.  Why couples go > to bars and restaurants with TV screens?  Why do they watch TV instead > of each other?  (sorry, I can't keep talking to you, my girlfriend is > a...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Many, perhaps most, couples consist of two people who do not } particularly like each other.  Forces beyond their comprehension (mostly } social pressures) compel them to form couples; however, they do not } particularly enjoy it.  They use TV as a way of avoiding dealing with } each other. } } The deeper reason, of course, is that very few people actually like } *themselves*, or even hate themselves, and so they cannot possibly feel } strong emotions for anyone else.  Television has become successful } largely because it is a good spiritual anaethetic, preventing people } from realizing how empty they are.  Of course, it empties them further. } Not a good thing. } } You owe the oracle the destruction of every television set you own.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If not smoking is so good for human beings, why is it so blasted hard to > quit?  This hopeless humble human hopes for a humorous helpful homily > from a power higher.  Bless the Oracle.  Hopefully yours, Hortense.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have hope, Hortense!  Heaps of homilies here can hardly help.  However, } heaps of hair happen to have hidden happy powers:  heave a hunk of hair } into each cigarette, and then quitting will be much easier.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty StuDLy Oracle, > > Was John Kennedy really saying that on that fateful day he was a person > who lived in Berlin, or was he saying that he was a Jelly Doughnut?  If > so, did he later go to Munich and proclaim that on that day he was a > Munchkin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He really did say that he was a jelly donut.  He wanted to go to Hamburg } and declare himself a hamburger (Berlin ::  Berliner == Hamburg :: } Hamburger), but secret agents from McDonalds were able to prevent this. } } You owe the oracle a Big Mac with Lyndon Johnson Fries.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Here's the entire text of a letter my lover wrote to me: > >   Resentful wierd kitten-strangling pyromaniac!  I can't believe how >   shady I am.  Mon Dieu!  Ludwig van Beethoven profoundly said you said >   you should just forget about your chance of surviving, you young >   Twinkie-snarfing pestilent terminal-brained midnight programmer. >   While you're in Oz, why don't you have breakfast with Bob Dylan? >   If you read AT THE MOUNTAINS OF MADNESS, you'll discover that I >   couldn't care less about your rudder.  Your problem is that even >   Johnny Appleseed ain't that much of a dogmatist.  Don't you read The >   Economist?  You must be a real pea brain to think that you can't have >   your honey banana split with honey until your finish your pecan pies. > > What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle sees a need for you to rewrite your lover's automatic letter } generating system.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many philosophers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} oy, the sex again!  always the sex question!  too much the americans } they think about the sex question.  sex with the bishops.  sex with the } philosophers.  sex with the politicians.  sex with the tevelision stars. } sex with the preachers.  sex with the prostitutes.  sex with the } anyones.  always the sex.  i am very much the tired of answering the sex } question!  prefer the cabbage question. } } you are for to owe the oracle the cabbage question before next you owe } the sex question.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am a new doctoral student in comparative literature (attracted to the > subject by its acronym, C.LIT.).  I'm interested in working on > historical pornography.  I have noticed that many historical figures > have written very significant works in this genre, but have not been > given the credit they deserve.  For example, Eleanor of Acquitaine > really wrote AMY'S ASS AND ITS VISITORS.  How can I get the world to > recognize the literary and historical merit of my chosen specialty, and > get tenure at Harvard?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The first of your questions requires the most work.  You will have to } demonstrate how this piece of liturature effected the society.  How it } has helped spring forth healthy young minds into the arena of adulthood. } This will take you many months to research.  You must gather a following } of students.  Read to them your work.  Read to them the liturature you } have based you doctorial thesis on.  They will follow.  Tell them to do } more intensive research.  Explore the wonders of the human body.  Become } an expert on the subject of pornography and mutual pleasure.  Once you } have done all of this, you present it to the Harvard Board.  If you } include a very graphic presentation (especially oral presentation.  I } advise getting others to help you) you should have no problem getting } tenure.  If you don't, you will have had a lot of fun trying.