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} *Mister* Oracle? *Mister*? Geez!
} Look, Bud, your problem seems to be an elementary one:
} For all your brilliance in devising metaphors that attempt
} to comprehend the glory and majesty that is our multiverse,
} you need the ORacular Gender Identification KIT(tm) !
} And you need the ORGIKIT(tm) bad!!
} Ok, so the acronym needs work -- We're sorry,
} there's been something of a labor dispute here
} at Mount Olympus, and the creative guys don't
} work as well with used ambrosia bottles strewn
} all over the place...
} That's right! The first step in `using new-found insights
} into the nature of reality to pick up girls' IS TO CORRECTLY
} IDENTIFY GIRLS as distinct entities in opposition to guys, men,
} gender-free or double-gender persons, animals, plants, plasma,
} heterogeneous liquids, and (depending on your taste) women!
} And the ORGIKIT is just what you, and any other unfortunate
} souls searching for the sexual companionship of a young female,
} need TO CORRECTLY IDENTIFY GIRLS!
} Included in your ORGIKIT are:
} a twelve-page booklet describing Our one-of-a-kind identi-
} fication process,
} a 30-minute audiotape (in the Oracle's Own Voice!) that
} briefly recounts the process and provides encouragement,
} pictures of girls and non-girls for you to practice with,
} and the toll-free phone number of Our Favorite Law Firm --
} just in case you are over-zealous in applying the ORGIKIT's
} tried-and-true methodology.
}
} If you order now, you also receive:
} a wallet stuffed full of counterfeit currency for those
} girls who like to wined and dined,
} a gift certificate for a haircut at the hair stylist's of
} your choice, along with helpful hairstyle hints to attract
} the type(s) of girls you want to pick up,
} a box full of toiletries and instructions on their use,
} and, of course, several manufacturers' samplers of condoms.
}
} Your second step is to assiduously practice the methods in
} the ORGIKIT in order to maximize your probability of CORRECTLY
} IDENTIFING GIRLS!!! You can then try to pick them up in
} elevators. To make this as painless and easy as possible,
} you need the Oracluar Real Good Instrumentals TAPE(tm).
}
} When you surreptitiously replace the elevator's usual alleged
} `music' with the ORGITAPE as the third step in your quest, girls
} will swoon in your arms --- hypnotized by soothing sax solos,
} by pleasing pianoforte pieces, and, of course, by the rockin'
} sounds of the Oracle's modified Wurlitzer steam-powered organ.
} When you have identified a girl (with the help of your ORGIKIT)
} in the elevator (playing the ORGITAPE), step four is to lyrically
} describe the ways of the multiverse as illuminated by your
} metaphor. The moving background music of the ORGITAPE underneath
} your magical prose will greatly increase your chances of picking
} up girls, and with any luck, the rockin' sounds of your own
} organ will...
} Forget this one, guys. We know the strike has
} affected all of Us here on Mount Olympus, but this
} one is just too low. Can't We do any better than
} this? And what are We going to do for the closer?
} Just the prices and a phone number? And do We
} accept MasterCard? Whaddya mean "you don't know"?
} Go find out, you...
} Excuse me, We thought you had left. It's been trying times
} here recently; please accept Our apologies. Good day and good
} luck.
}
} You owe the Oracle an afternoon at the blackboard writing one
} hundred times: "The Oracle is not a human being and should not
} be addressed as Mister". The videotapes from the elevator's
} security camera would also help restore Our good graces...
}
} The Oracle owes you an apology for any possibly offensive sexual
} (or mercantile) remarks contained herein.
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