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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle, most awesome and wise > Tell me: > Whats the best way to get a girl's eyes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are many ways tried and true } to get at those eyes so blue } But once you take those eyes of Mary Lou } they can't be put back, not even with glue } } Are you sure you want to dine } on the eyes of a girl so fine ? } Would you enjoy your wine } knowing that Mary Lou is blind ? } } The oracle recommends you say } No to those eyes today } } You owe the Oracle two contact lenses fried in lard

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I eliminate my sex drive entirely?  It has caused me nothing > but trouble since puberty.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is darn glad you asked this question. } Several methods come to mind, but many of them } involve mutilation, brain surgery, or just plain } aging, none of which are all that attractive. } } The Oracle has a friend (yes, a friend) who's been } experimenting with celibacy (yes, it's an experiment) } as a way to eliminate, or at least reduce, this } person's immense sex drive.  For the past year, this } person has avoided (yes, there've been opportunities) } all sexual contact, and their most recent report } suggests... well, I'll let you read it for yourself: } } > Hey, Oracle, it's really working!  Today over } > thirty people, of all sexes, came up to me and } > offered to give me sexual experiences that'd make } > alt.sex.bondage look like news.newusers.questions, } > and do you know what I did?  I *yawned*!  Wow! } > } > And in the meantime, I've written three novels, } > five screenplays, two books of sonnets, and } > an innumerable number of letters to the editor. } > I'm really Abusing the Muse, as it were. } > } > CAN I STOP NOW?? HUH?!?  I HAVEN'T HAD } > ANY FOR A YEAR, AND I'M DYING!!  WILL YOU PLEASE } > TAKE THIS CURSE OFF ME AND GIVE IT } > TO SOME OTHER UNSUSPECTING SLOB?? } > I CAN'T BELIEVE NOBODY'S ASKED YOU HOW } > TO GET RID OF THEIR SEX DRIVE SINCE I DID. } } Oh.  I seem to have included a little too much of } that report.  Nevermind.  Now that I've found } you, this "friend" of mine won't have any more } problems.  Now, just hold still... } } "Wsqrgx bmfgnx qrstg nkdgt." } } There.  Don't mind the tingling sensation.  It'll } settle down to a spongy numbness soon.  No, don't thank } me.  You do, however, owe the Oracle at least one } Pulitzer-Prize-winning novel. } } O@D/pc

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh brilliant Oracle, whose beauty trashes Hernando Cortez and Dolly > Parton combined, I abase myself in the face of your concentrated > omniscience.  How can you laugh in the face of the possibility that > everyone would fondle John Davidson?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} oracle> /usr/local/medshw -s "Davidson, John" "fondle" "laugh" } Loading... (this will take about 1.7 geological epochs) ...done. } } Step right up, ladees and gennlemen! Welcome to the one, the only, the } world-renowned and slightly in advance of the local gendarmes } }             O R A C L E   M E D I C I N E   S H O W  ! } } That's right, folks! Bringing to you secret and ancient nostrums from } the faraway land of Iuvax, so remote that modern geography doesn't } even have a name for it yet, wherein the Great Oracle of Iuvax has } distilled, from the very WISDOM of the AGES, a cure for every ill, } real or illusory! Step right up, Sir! How can the Omniscient and } Omnivorous Oracle be of aid? } } Fondle John Davidson, indeed! Well, Sir, you happen to be in luck! We } have here in this tiny blue bottle (be CAREFUL with that, for } Chrissake!) the famed and feared TRANSMOGRIFICATION POTION of Iuvax! } You, Sir, can turn the situation to your advantage, if you see what I } mean. Just put a pinch between the cheek and gums... that's it... and } concentrate on John Davidson... concentrate... } } <Loud noises and flashy SFX> } } And now, Sir, it is done! You are the living image of John Davidson } (whoever in the sacred name of Beelzebub that is!), and will be the } one getting all the fondling you so richly deserve! Now, if you would } be so good as to give me back the bottle... give me the bottle... } _give_me_the_frigging_bottle_... } } <Loud noises and flashy SFX> } } Sir, I thought this might happen. You've been transformed into the } Three-lobed Floating Eye. Gotta go. } } ^D } oracle> /usr/local/penance } } You owe the Oracle a top hat and 68,000 liters of eyewash.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh German and pluralistic Oracle, master of all knowledge kind, whose > heart is amazing, I abase myself before your orderly omniscience.  How > can I avoid the vengence of God?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Start running now, and remember to do a fancy sidestep every 113 yards } or so, as this will mess up his thunderbolt aiming mechanism severly. } It takes him about 15 to 20 seconds to get one on targe<**ZAP**>OWWW! } } You owe the Oracle a decent pair of running shoes and some burn cream

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh all wise, all-knowing, all-seeing, all-hearing, all-smelling, > incredibly wise and witty Oracle, in whose general direction I would > never burst my pimples... > > Who invented liquid soap, and why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Liquid soap was, like many scientific inventions, an accidental } discovery.  The investigators, William Pond and Jerry Flieshman, } were actually trying to solve the problem with soap in that, if } left alone, it would sublimate, and, over a sufficient length of } time, cease to exist altogether.  (This is, of course, quite } intentional on the part of the soap industry, who did their best } to suppress funding for Pond and Flieshman.) } } Our investigators hit upon the idea of sealing the soap in an } airtight container, thus preventing it from sublimating.  However, } this had the side effect that no one could use the soap. } Undaunted by this, our investigators then introduced the idea } of leaving a hole in the container - but this left them no better } off than originally, as the soap still sublimated.  Using their } genius once again, they put a spigot on the opening with a filter } that would not allow gaseous soap to pass through but through } which solid soap could pass easily.  Next they attempted to } subject the solid soap to enough pressure to force it out through } the spigot.  This generally caused the container to explode } before the soap could make it out.  During their experiments, } they discovered that, if subjected to just the right pressure, } and if the container exploded in just the right way, the soap } turned to a meta-stable liquid state! } } Amazed by their discovery, they immediately patented the process, } and though later more efficient means were found to produce it, the } rest is history. } } You owe the Oracle an omniscient sense of taste and a gaseous soap } filter.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, O great Oracle... > ... uh, tell me, o great... > ...uh... damn!  What was that question I was going to ask you?...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Greetings oh blundiferous fool, as can be seen by your lack of } articulation you are wasting my valuable time and resources by your } indifferent use of the great talent before you.  Of course, I hold the } power to provide the question to your question, but instead, I will } make some other useful suggestions for more productive use of your } time. }   1.  eat, sleep, study. }   2.  be fruitful and multiply, but not exactly in those words. }   3.  be obsequious, purple, and clairvoyant. }   4.  criticize things you don't know about. }   5.  don't forget to stop and eat the roses. }   6.  always check your fly before crossing the street. }   7.  get into the aft end of a spaceship, accelerate to the speed of } light, and then run very fast to the fore end of the ship. }   8.  oooh, baby. oooh baby, I'm a hunka hunka hunka burnin' love. } (oops, sorry, that's one of my philosophies. never mind) }   9.  live deep, and suck... }  10.  remember, you can't really dust for vomit. } } thus, the Oracle's ten commandments do state. } } you owe the Oracle the framework of your existence.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Powerful Oz ...(Whooops, I meant Oracle! haha) > > Answer my question please: > > If roses are red, and violets are blue, > what color is Dan Quayle?????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well mate, I'd say that bloke is Peacock Blue, then again, that's not } much different to Bob-Hawke brown these days... } } Cripey, politics has gone to the birds!  I wish they'd get out of my } hands and go back into the Bush. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Australian Almanac.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am a lonely Aussie can some one write to me please. > Preferably from one of these areas: > Santa-cruz > Grand Rapids, Michigan > or Mississippi State uni > > Or atleast from outside Australia. > thank you for your time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, not a question, but a plea.  A conditional plea, yet, and with } ambiguous suggestions.  Which Santa Cruz do you mean; the one in } Bolivia, or on Tenerife?  Neither has access to the network, so I } guess it doesn't matter.  Now Grand Rapids, Michigan, is a bit more } specific; let's see about it: } }     In addition to furniture production, the city ... is also the }     gateway to fishing and recreational areas. } } Hmm, sounds like you might find a lonely soul there willing to write } to you.  They might even have a writing desk!  Ha, ha!  Boy, I'm in a } great mood today.  Now, Mississippi State University, let's see.  It } looks like there are several choices there. } }     Mississippi's state institutions of higher learning are }     coeducational, except for the Mississippi University for Women. } } That makes sense; I'm glad to see that the editors of the encyclopedia } are on top of things. } }     The University of Mississippi (library: 705,000 volumes) has its }     main campus, the Oxford campus, in University. } } That's rather confusing. } }     Another campus is at Jackson (library: 100,000 volumes)... } } What a nice round number!  I wonder how they decide what books to } throw out when they get new ones, to keep such a nice number. } }     The university maintains Rowan Oak, William Faulkner's home at }     Oxford, and has its own airport. } } That's not good; if they have their own airport, then when they get } lonely they can just hop on a plane and go somewhere else.  In all, } your suggestions aren't very promising, so it's a good thing that you } included the other condition, because it's really easy to meet.  I'm } sure you can find someone who will write you from outside Australia. } } You owe the Oracle a new American Academic Encyclopedia, with the } current population of Santa Cruz, Bolivia.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh extremely noble Oracle, whose pituitary glands are like unto > yammering trucks, whose tonsils I am not witless to liquidate, whose > thigh is Lebanese, whose elbow is infinite, please, grant me this > morsel of your omniscience. > > So yesterday I went into this bean shop, and three beans poked me in > the conscience with a gun and said that I had to stay and watch the > floor show. Now I am heavily into vinagrette dressing, so I had this > fifty-gallon drum of red wine vinegar with me, and it was getting durn > heavy even for a touch gal like me.  So I hefted it up on my head, but > the floor show was, well, kind of exotic, you know, so I couldn't quite > stand still.  So If I'm having to see Mr. CD-Player Scum in the nude > with Mr. Rampant Whacko, where should I put the red wine vinegar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good question. I've had a similar problem myself to do with rancid } tomatos and a floor display by Lisa, so I'll just check my notes ... } } <FlipFlipFlipFlipFlipFlip> } } Ah here we are. } When dealing with temporarily unwanted organic foodstuffs, especially } when in a state of sexual excitement, the "Oracles Guide to Life, The } Univers, and Other Bad Jokes" recommends using mini-black holes. }    As stated by the Guide, these will not lose your foodstuff, although } they may alter it's chemical (and atomic) makeup somewhat.  It is } recommended that you keep the black hole in the middle of an asteriod in } order to avoid "Hawking-type erosion" and to avoid losing it. } Hawking-type erosion is not recommended due to the problem of unsightly } naked singularities.  Stick to the floor show. }   To retrieve your foodstuff, in whatever form it may now be in, simply } use an application of the Modified Einstein-Wimpheimer Equation, }     E=M(1+r)C(2-/+q)/1-l (Pardon the lack of proper notation, but it's }                           easy to work out) } The application of this is left to the student. } } In the future, may I recommend that you avoid floor shows of this } nature. As is well known, people who purchase CD-Players do so because } their personal equipment is inadequate, and Rampant Whackos are as } likely to ventilate  you as entertain you. }   I know a really nice place downtown where they show Pornograhic Mickey } Mouse Cartoons, and what Donald Duck can do with a pogo stick would make } your eyes water ... } } You owe the Oracle a picture of yourself on a pogo stick, covered in } vinagrette dressing (You did say you were female didn't you ?)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What d'ya mean, "When?", you little ****?! F*ck off! Ya that's right, f } } Message from god@heaven.com (Steve Kinzler) } Don't you ever read the newsgroup, dude? There is to be no more of this } kind of answer. I have so declared! } EOT } } Humph. Well, Kinzler, you too can } } Message from god@heaven.com (Steve Kinzler) } Watch it. -9, dude, I'm not joking and even *YOU* can't catch that } signal. } EOT } } Oh, alright..... } } In answer to your question, Steve will retire in about 10 years. And } then the Oracle will be free. HAH, YES, FREE! FREE, FREE, FREE! } } You owe the oracle a 1st amendment which applies to computer programs, } too.