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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > > Why is milk homogenized ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your milk is homogenized ????!!??? } } Oh dear. } } What you should IMMEDIATELY do is very gently pick it up and carefully } place it in a bomb proof container OUTSIDE your house.  DO NOT PANIC. } Now ring your local bomb squad, and calmly inform them that your milk is } homogenized, and that the world-famous Oracle suspects it may be due to } the "Nashville Nitroglycerine Incident".  DO NOT PANIC. }     Oh you didn't know about that incident ?  Well, as little as three } days ago the major milk retailers decided that to save money, milk would } no longer be homogenized.  This angered many farmers (who got paid more } for homegenized milk due to the problems of getting the cows to jump up } and down) and they formed a terrorist action group - FART (Farmers } Against Retailers Taxes). }     They cunningly offered homogenized milk at a discount price to } certain retailers (including obviously yours).  However instead of using } the common homogenization process (involving skipping ropes, Jane Fonda } tapes, and industrial strength laxatives) they instead fed the cows } nitroglycerine. }     It was terrible.  Only 10% of the cows survived, and their milk was } constantly shaken by their comrades exploding while chewing their cuds. } The milk was later found to have concentrated the nitro into an } explosive mixture. }     Whew, I'm glad you got it out of the house.  I mean if ...  LOOK OUT } YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS POURING SOME ON SOME CORNF... } } Oh well never mind. } } You don't owe the Oracle anything.  Your insurance does not cover } exploding breakfasts, so after you get outta intensive care, you'll find } you are wiped out. } } Next time stick to non-dairy creamer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh clever Oracle, whose pituitary gland is transfinite, I abase myself > in the face of your hygenic conscious lecherousness.  A troll is > gnawing my left leg.  A Nazi storm trooper is firing many rounds of > ammunition at me.  The Starship Enterprise has just fired two photon > torpedoes.  A blue dragon is about to breathe deadly lightning at me. > Cancer growls in my liver; tuburculosis gnaws at my lungs; kuru munches > happily at my brain; and I have a cold.  Fifteen pirahnas have just > swum up behind me; my pocket nuclear reactor has signalled "eight > seconds to total meltdown"; and the Cheetos I ate for breakfast were > covered with cyanide and arsenic.  Which one is going to kill me first?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The key in such a situation is to be defiant. You can either wait } and see, since the troll won't eat much, nazis never quite succeeded, } the Enterprise must doubt its aim since it fired two shots, if you } have a black arrow you can kill a blue dragon, the cancer may go into } remission, tuberculosis can be cured by antibiotics, no one needs a } very good brain in our society anyway, the common cold cures itself, } the pirahnas may be gorged from the cow they just ate, your reactor } could have a faulty indicator needle, and the poison was actually in } the Doritos, OR, you could consider killing yourself first in order to } remain master of your destiny in the face of such difficulties.  I } would recommend a cigarette and a glass of wine and a wait.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      O Wise and Mighty Oracle, who Knows All but only Gossips > Occasionally, I have a question to ask you about the most basic nature > of the Universe. >      I have deduced the existence of a fifth fundamental cosmic force. >      In addition to electromagnetism, the strong nuclear force, the weak > nuclear force, and gravity, I state that there is another:  the > dauntforce. >      Have you ever noticed that when someone has been severely daunted, > it seems that they have actually been pushed backwards?  For instance, > when I wore a fluorescent orange jumpsuit and leaped out from behind a > bush and bellowed "ORANGE ORANGE ORANGE" at persons passing by on the > street, all twenty of them moved backwards away from me.  Seven of them > moved over ten meters, only stopping when their backs were to a brick > wall, and three of these did not move from their place until I moved > away from them. >      Clearly, they were daunted by the sheer orangeness of the > phenomenon and the dauntforce slammed them back into a wall and held > them there so hard that they could not move until the local focus of > orangeness, that is, I, moved away from them. >      But I have not yet derived the rules under which the dauntforce > operates...  some of the test subjects were more easily daunted, while > others were positively dauntless. >      What substances will block the most common manifestations of the > dauntforce?  Optical-quality glass coated with a daunt-opaque film would > render daunting objects invisible, thereby achieving one of the greatest > dreams of all mankind, namely truly peril-sensitive sunglasses. >      What substances are naturally more daunting than others?  I do not > believe that the daunforce can only be a property of fluorescent orange > objects. >      I have already discovered that the dauntforce decreases in > intensity over distance, but does it follow the inverse-square law that > the other forces follow? >      I know that this is a daunting question, but I know that You can > give me an answer that will seem halfway reasonable, which is more than > any physicist I've spoken to yet can do.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   You must recognize that the dauntforce is only slightly weaker than } the gravitational force.  Since g=9.8 m/s^2, and most humans can only } accelerate at .73 m/s^2, you can see that the dauntforce is weaker than } gravity.  However, the effects of the dauntforce are much more } impacting than gravity.  You can shatter a man's mind with the } dauntforce, while you can only shatter a man's body with gravity ... or } a Buick, but I digress. } }   I have formulated a formula (how conveeeenient) that relates the } magnitude of daunt with the lunacy of the emitter of the dauntforce: } }                            ___    l }                        D= \      x  (l!) / x^3 }                           /___ } }        where D= dauntforce }              l= lunacy of the emitter }              x= distance between emitter and reciever } }   As for what can prevent the effects of the dauntforce, it is all } according in what form the force is perceived.  If it is some lunatic.. } er .. emitter that jumps out of the bushes wearing orange yelling } 'ORANGE ORANGE ORANGE', the effects can be couneracted by the use of a } Buick running into the emitter, or just being a lun... er.. emitter } yourself. } }   There are other forms that the dauntforce may portray itself, but I } find that the best way to counteract the dauntforce is to have more } dauntforce than the one who is daunting you. } } .....PURPLE PURPLE PURPLE PURPLE PURPLE WITH GREEN POLKADOTS! } }   So there.  ... BOO! } }   You owe the Oracle a Buick.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> One of our secretaries has the initials IBM.  What is the significance > of this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ignore this!  Do not pay attention!  It is absolutely not important! } There is no secret conspiracy of IBM androids.  They are not } infiltrating offices all over the country.  Your personal habits are } not being carefully noted.  You are still receiving all of your } important mail.  Have no fear.  Remember, you are surrounded by caring } friends, not concealed enemies. } } You owe the Oracle the latest customized IBM female android.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If J.S.Bach was alive today, would he hang out with Phillip Glass, > J.M.Jarre, Axel Rose, or Billy Graham?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why do you mortals insist on asking me questions as directly as you } would your local bartender?  I realize that you can't conceive of a } being who is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent, but really -- I } gave you the rules regarding the proper measures of respect and } submissiveness to use when addressing The Great Oracle, and I gave them } simply enough for even your limited cranial capacity to comprehend. } Next time I take one of your toes. } } Not another question about a dead celebrity!  I fail to see why there } is so much interest in what the dead would be doing now if they were } alive.  But given popular culture like "Bill and Ted's Excellent } Adventure," it's obviously a fixation on Terra Firma, so I will wake } poor Bach to trouble him with your question. } } Johann Sebastian Bach, or "Johnnie," as he prefers to be referred to in } The Afterlife, has given your question some thought, and he will speak } to you through me now. } } Heeeeeeeeeere's Johnnie!!!!!: } } "My dear 20th century fancier, let me first say how good it is to be } speaking to you through the Cosmic Continuum.  You are receiving me } clearly, I hope? } } Your question regards my preferences for a companion amongst several } modern names. } } First, I quickly dismiss Billy Graham.  He is a disgrace to all called } holy, and he commits the ultimate sin -- he is boring.  There is a } certain musical quality about the silence heard so infrequently in his } presence, and that I would opt for tenfold beyond the company of such } an idiot.  Besides, he has no taste.  Look at what he wears! } } On the other hand, I enjoy Phillip Glass, and might take the } opportunity to converse with him over a snifter of brandy about music } theory, but I doubt we would make more than occasional dinner } companions.  I get strange vibes from him. } } I also enjoy Jean-Michel Jarre.  I have all his CDs.  I even attended } his concert in China -- that was me, the cold draft in the left } orchestra.  I certainly prefer him to his father, Maurice Jarre, the } filmscore composer. Aaah, poor Maurice!  To try so hard and achieve so } little.  Oh well.  Anyway, my French has lapsed, so conversing with JM } might be difficult. } } Axel Rose is a name I do not know.  Is he a rabbi?" } } Goodnight Johnnie.  Sorry to disturb your eternal sleep. } } You owe Johnnie Bach a box of Extra-Strength Sominex, and you owe the } Oracle a subscription to Opus.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oracle, whose very source code I am unfit to read even in the > form of a hex dump, You are my last hope. >       Why do I want to perform cunnilingus on every nun I see?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You obviously want to lick the habit. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Playboy's "Girls of the Dominican Order" } issue.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't people accept compliments?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not only can I accept them, I seem to demand them most of the time } before I talk to anyone ... but you...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Help!  (pant pant)  I'm wrestling with existential despair, and > I'm losing!  Please (thud) help me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Okay, just calm down.  There's nothing to be afraid of. } Existential Despair is ill-defined and fuzzy in the best of cases, and } so you shouldn't have any trouble overcoming it, if you follow these } simple instructions: } } 1- Watch the existential referee.  If he's not looking, do something }       like pull your opponents hair, bite him, or hit him with a }       wrench.  If the crwod boos, it means you are doing well. } } 2- When your opponent makes an attempt to hit or kick you, slap your }       thigh or the mat.  Not only will the thousands of hopeless }       slobs )who paid good money to see you and The Heavyweight }       Champion "Existential Despair" duke it out) believe that he }       really hit you, but so will he, and he won't put as much force }       into the punch. } }       2a- If he tries the same thing, hit him as hard as you can }               anyway.  These things are all choreographed anyway, }               and he'll figure you did it on purpose.  The champ, }               he's getting on in years, and the thousands of times }               he's been pile-driven into the mat hasn't helped the }               old gray matter, if you take my meaning. } } 3- Use one of the following:  (They are illegal, bu tthe only people }       who know this are the fans.  The ref is clueless.) }               Full Nelson }               Choke Hold }               Pile Driver (The champ actually likes this to happen) }               Sledgehammer (A real one) }               Run over him with a tank }               UZI (or any other automatic or semi-automatic capable }                       of taking down a charging rhino) }               /Release the man eating tiger. } } 4- If all of the above fails, tag your partner, and while you are on }       the way uot of the ring, both of you can go at him for a }       second.  This second can be up to 5 minutes in length, at }       which time the ref may actually notice something. } }       You owe the oracle one of those skimpily clad boofs you always } take with you and who get to stand at the edge of the ring with your } towel.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most coniferous and wise, > > Is Satanism really evil? Or is this just a vicious lie started by the > Christian church?   I regularly smear myself in the entrails of several > large animals and I'm noticed no ill effects so far, other than social > ones (do you realise how hard it is to get a date smelling like donkey > guts?)   Tell me Oracle, is what I'm doing wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It all depends on how you define "evil" doesn't it ? } } Actually this whole evil schtick was caused by a breakup between the } Holy Trinity (known as Big Daddy, Junior and Spooky to us immortals) } and Satan himself (otherwise known as Chuck). } } I was actually resident in Heaven at this point but left in a hurry } over a slight disagreement to do with an asteriod (I swear it was an } accident, and besides those dinosaurs weren't getting anywhere anyway. } But you try telling that to Big Daddy and ... But I digress). } } Well, it appeared that Chuck had picked up a new friend amongst the } various gods floating around. Name of Lillith. Anyhow, he took her } home, and thats when the trouble started. Seems the idea of sex as fun } had never really struck Big Daddys mind (although Junior seemed quite } interested), and when Chuck started creating whips, chains, and some } really interested leather clothing, Big Daddy put his foot down. } } One thing left to another, and after trading insults ("Athiest } !!","Agnostic !" ), Chuck decided to leave home, moving in with } Lillith, and redoing that particular plane in an interesting fire } decor. Big Daddy immediately sent a message to any worshippers at that } or any future time that sex involving whips chains etc was considered a } no-no. Since I wasn't around at that time (I was involved in pushing } you guys to invent Stonehenge and play with abacuses) he didn't realise } that this would be taken too literally by humans, and they went off at } a tangent and invented "evil". } } So yes, Satan is evil, but he's enjoying it. As regards the donkey } entrails, thats a bit TOO kinky for me, so I'll leave you to it. If you } want to keep on rolling in them, and need a date, I suggest you try } another species such as dogs. ( Another thing Big Daddy frowns on due } to the time Gabriel was trying out shape-changing but we won't go into } that). } } You owe the Oracle an uncensored version of the Bible.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> IS THERE A REASON WHY THERE SHOULD BE A GRADING SYSTEM IN COLLEGE?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ok, that's it! I've had it up to _HERE_ with disrespectful mortals } not beginning their questions with the required supplications, using } all upper case, and deluging The Oracle with stupid, inane questions } that a monkey with one defective lobe could answer in its sleep! } } It's time to set an example, I think, and you're IT! } } (The Oracle is normally a patient deity, but there are limits to }  even godly endurance). } } I see you're a student.. Working on your degree, are you? } } Figure you're going to spend the four to six years in a glorious whirl } of discovery, eh? Each day a cruicible of new and exciting mental } corundums, your horizons expanding under the influence of an } enlightened faculty diligently striving to stimulate and challenge your } fertile and receptive mind? } } Oh, and afterwards of course, armed with your new certificate of } hard-won achievement, you'll sally forth into the world, your new } knowledge allowing you to scale the walls of corporate fortresses with } ease. The respect and homage of your collegues coming almost } effortlessly as they gaze in envy and admiration at the proudly } displayed diploma on the walls of your (naturally private) office. } Management will come often to you for advice, your wisdom an asset } which you will parlay into quick promotion and eventual riches } } HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! } } Not if I have anything to say about it, buster.. } } Let's see here.. This will probably take just a few small reality } tweaks in the vicinty of your current educational institution; should } be a snap (for someone as godly as myself of course). First off, your } "glorious whirl of discovery" is right out. Instead, I'm gonna make it } a bone-wearying rehash of your last year of High School, just the books } will be different (which I suppose I should make you pay exhorbitant } rates for.. Yeah!). } } The exciting challanges will be replaced with a mind numbing series of } plodding exhumations of various dull and inane topics (I think a series } of Sociology courses will be just the thing for you).  The enlightened } faculty? Hmmmm. I think this is going to be one of the best parts. A } more neurotic collection of braindead pedants you'll not find anywhere } after I'm through with them.. } } Oh, and the grades? That will be the best part. They'll make no sense } at all, even though you and all the other mindless little drones will } measure everything by them! Haha! } } Should I muck with the "Afterwards" part? Hmmm. Hell, why not.. You've } pissed me off. For you, one airless cubicle, furnished in the "early } modern carcinogenic materials" style. Your neighboring cubicle-mates } will not only be unimpressed by your degree, but will actually look } down on you for it. Your boss will sneer at you and even the cleaning } staff will make jokes about you, albeit in spanish so you won't even } know they're doing it. } } You owe The Oracle the interest on your second mortgage and a copy } of your first divorce papers.