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} Well, the spelling's a little off ("prominently" and "cheese"),
} but if Lisa will forgive you, We will.
}
} [Hushed whispering offline]
}
} Yes, she definitely will, provided you...um...
} We're sorry; this is a PG-rated incarnation...
} but you have definitely earned an answer worthy of the gods.
}
} The first person to eat Limburger cheese...
}
} was Art Limburger of Beverly Hills, CA.
}
} [
} Screen de-rezzes, then resolves to show an elderly man in his
} brown-and-gold Contour chair with the special massage and
} warmth attachments. The chair is pointed at the 25-inch
} color television; the television is playing a rerun of
} _Charlie's_Angels_ with the volume just a little too loud.
} The elderly man (ART) turns in the chair to face the open
} door behind the chair.
} ]
}
} ART (not unkindly): Mari-i-i-i-i-i-ia!
}
} [
} MARIA, dressed in a nondescript maid's costume, obviously
} harried by all her chores as well as unsettled by her
} two-day-old cold, pokes her head into the doorway.
} ]
}
} MARIA (a touch exasperated): Yes, Mr. Limburger?
}
} ART: Could I have something to snack on? Maybe something
} on a bagel? [Turns back to face television.]
}
} MARIA (resigned): Yes, Mr. Limburger.
}
} [
} MARIA goes into kitchen, gets plate, knife, and bagel,
} slices bagel with knife and puts both on plate...
} now searches in refrigerator...doesn't find anything.
} Finally sees tub of cheese on countertop, puts on plate,
} and carries plate into TV room.
} What MARIA doesn't know is that the "cheese" is actually
} car wax left there by Miguel the chauffeur. There's no
} marking on the tub, and she can't smell it because of
} her cold.
} In the TV room, ART is losing interest in the show.
} ]
}
} ART (thinking aloud): What would I like on that bagel?
} Some salmon would be nice...
}
} [
} Just then, MARIA puts the plate on ART's lap.
} ]
}
} MARIA (briskly): Here you are. Mr. Limburger. [She pivots
} and exits back through the door.]
}
} ART (looking at tub): What is this, Maria? [Looks behind him;
} sees that she's already gone; looks down again.]
} I have no idea what this is...I won't eat it.
} I wish she had gotten me some salmon.
}
} [
} ART looks back up at the television, forgetting the plate
} temporarily, and is transfixed by Farrah Fawcett-Majors'
} (that's just plain "Farrah Fawcett" now, isn't it...) lovely,
} flowing, blond hair. ART absentmindedly spreads some of the
} "cheese" on the bagel, thinks one more time about the salmon,
} sees the hair again, and then eats the bagel.
}
} After the show goes to a commercial, ART realizes that he's
} never tasted anything like this "cheese" before.
} ]
}
} ART (excited): Maria! Mari-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ia!
}
} MARIA (poking head into doorway, more than a touch exasperated):
} Yes, Mr. Limburger?
}
} ART: This is wonderful stuff, Maria! What is it?
}
} MARIA (with a little hesitation): I think it's a kind of cheese,
} Mr. Limburger.
}
} ART: I've never had anything like this, Maria! It's really good.
} I could go into business selling this...I could...
} [MARIA goes back into kitchen; ART doesn't notice.]
} I could do my own TV commercials...and call it...
} Limburger cheese! I'll do it.
} [
} Unfortunately, ART's wide television exposure to the senior
} demographic group -- none of whom who can smell or taste
} any better than ART can --- guarantees millions in sales...
} and the rest is history.
}
} Screen de-rezzes, then returns to normal operating mode.
} ]
}
} So you see, Art was thinking about...golden lox.
}
} The moral of the story...uh...there isn't one,
} except maybe "Don't watch _Charlie's_Angels_."
}
} You owe the Oracle a king-size Craftmatic bed with the
} certificate for a free microwave oven...
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