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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best use for the following: > > 1) A pound of strawberry jam > 2) Zsa-Zsa Gabor > 3) Jim Baker > 4) a dozen satanists > 5) 5 bricks > 6) a stapler > 7) a physics textbook > 8) a computer (386) > 9) 50 feet of 1000 pound test nylon line > 10) the Vikings football team

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Staple the cmputer to the satanists.  Put the bricks on the criminals. } Tie the football team to the textbooks.  Put the strawberry jam in the } middle of the field.  Throw a grenade at all of them, and make the world } a better place.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 4096 years ago, a small boy looked up at his father, pondering his very } existance, and asked such a question.  His father, being a wise and } noble man, told the following story: } } Son, one day, your children, and your children's children, and their } offspring, will design many living structures from the very soil we } stand on.  They will create ways to float on the water at high speed, } and fly through the air as the birds do.  They will spread out far } across the land, and even cross the great oceans, building many villages } and even great cities.  They will conquer the very gap of space and } time, by sending messages directly through high-speed T1 phonelines and } digital fiber-optic cables, connecting thousands of places of learning } and commerce.  And someone will enable all the Internet to have access } to The Oracle, by simply mailing a question using the standard email } interfaces.  And some bozo, wanting to try it out, will send in the } question that you, my son, have asked me. } } "Why?" } } You owe The Oracle the rights to all of your smart offspring.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is watching slasher movies better than sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course!  Have you forgotten elementary logic? } }       AXIOM 1:  Nothing is better than sex. }       AXIOM 2:  Watching slasher movies is better than nothing. } }       Therefore, by the principle of transitivity, we reach the } }       CONCLUSION:  Watching slasher movies is better than sex.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where do all these flies in my apartment come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Isn't it obvious?  You are a full-fledged hardened ADDICT by now!  Of } course you still believe that "I can stop whenever I want to," but you } will NEVER be able to "want to" without prompt help!  Look up } Fileaholics Anonymous in the telephone directory.  NOW! } } It began innocently enough, about four years ago, when you started } keeping an extra nail file or two in the bathroom to keep your nails } always looking neat and well-groomed.  Then you started carrying one } with you everywhere, just to make sure you'd never be caught with } unfiled nails.  Then you started keeping larger files, initially to fix } sticky doors, later to trim windowsills just a little bit so the desk } you wanted to put in the corner would fit...  eventually you accumulated } a monstrous collection of flat and curved files, keyhole and triangular } files, rasps, Surform tools, even Dremel Moto-Tools and routers and } power sanders, a collection that would be the envy of most professional } machine shops...so many that you need THIRTY FILE CABINETS to hold them } all, in addition to the ones scattered in various closets and corners. } Your woodworking hobby quickly became a vehicle for your compulsive } addic-- } } Oh!  You mean FLIES?  Never mind....

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A rose in full bloom } Sunrise from a mountain top } The unending blue of a plains state horizion } The New England foliage in fall } The emerald green of the mid-atlantic } } But, I digress, to answer your question: TAXES

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       How much mail does the Oracle get?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Imagine enough dollar bills that placed end to end would reach to the } moon and back.  Now take that number and apply it to the following } formula : }                log(weight of one female gorilla)^(number of bills) }                --------------------------------------------------- }        x :=       sin((Mass of George Bush)^(IQ of Dan Quayle)) }             ---------------------------------------------------------- }                Length of Zsa-Zsa Jail sentence / Lenght of Jim Bakers } } You owe the Oracle a Calculus book.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a "physharmonica"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a state the body can reach after years of training and } meditation.  Your body is transformed into a living harmonica and you } can play songs with you body alone.  If you continue your training you } can become a physharmonica guru, where you specialize in one particular } part of the body (armpit, hands, head, etc).  If you continue for 50 } years you become a physharmonica master and can play any bob dylan song } by passing gas alone (lets face it, you won't be having company) } } you owe the oracle the complete bob dylan collection

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a "sesquialtera"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's easy, but lets break it down. } sesqui - one and a half } alter - to change } a - a vowel } This is a formal description of the inflection used by the } Fonz when he's happy, AAAYYYEEE } } you owe the oracle 15 saftey pins

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What will be on my physics test Friday?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On your physics test, there will be a thin film of dust, a few } fingerprints of your fellow students, several insect larvae, and an } irregular coating of ink. } } You owe the oracle an answer key.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't Democrats win the presidency?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A quick look at past Democratic candidates should answer that question. } } 1988 - Dukakis - one eyebrow, shifty-eyed, short. Also lied about being }                 a liberal. } 1984 - Mondale - caved in to every special-interest group known to man }        Ferraro - a "bitch" in so many senses of the word } 1980 - Carter - pathetic state of the country, caused by him (see 1976) }        Mondale - well, look what happened to him in '84 } 1976 - Carter - peanut farmer, just look at his brother Billy, }                 He only won because of the scandals in the Republican }                 administration } 1972 - McGovern - beyond liberal; besides, Nixon was too popular } 1968 - Johnson - Vietnam, government spending. Also look at Lady Bird. } } That's as far back as I go, should prove the point. } } While republicans are more likely to get involved in money scandals, } democrats are more likely to get involved in sex scandals.