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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderous Oracle whose knowledge is greater than > infinity.... I have found a secret ancient manuscript with the > following questions written on it. Can you answer them for me please? > > How do fish learn to swim? > Can birds fly backwards and upside down? > If fork() creates a child process, what does knife() do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Multiple questions, eh?  Well, I don't usually do multiple questions, } but as you've plied me with enough compliments, here goes: } }       How do fish learn to swim? } } Fish learn to swim by a complex process known as "aquatemation." } Essentially, when a baby fish, or fishling, is hatched, it does not } know how to swim.  Nor does it know how to breathe by passing water } through its gills to collect oxygen.  In fact, it doesn't even know } it's a fish.  As you might guess, in this state, a fishling is very } vulnerable.  That's the reason fish lay so many eggs -- many fishlings } become confused and distracted, and end up becoming lower lifeforms, } such as plankton, flatworms, or lawyers. } } Anyway, those fortunate fishlings who get their acts together notice, } shortly after hatching, that other creatures in the water are moving } about them in a horizontal manner.  On the other hand, the fishling is } rapidly descending into the ocean depths, as it's just sitting there } motionless.  In the complex, lightning speed of aquatemation, the } fishling comes to several key realizations: "Hey, there are creatures } in the water."  "Hey, I'm also a creature."  "Hey, I don't feel so } good, but the water going over my gills seems to help."  "Hey, those } other creatures are moving, and I'm sinking.  Maybe if I move my fins } and tail like they do... Yes!  Yes, that's it!  I'm moving!!  I'M } MOVING!!!" } } Thus reassured about its place in the universe, the fishling goes on to } become the catch of the day at your local seafood restaurant. } }       Can birds fly backwards and upside down? } } This is a little know fact among you mortals, but birds DO fly upside } down and backwards.  What you think is the head of a bird is really the } tail.  And the top is really the bottom.  This may be the same for a } lot of people you know. } }       If fork() creates a child process, what does knife() do? } } Knife() creates a black-sheep-of-the-family process.  That's a process } that happens but that no one wants to claim is theirs. } } You owe The Oracle dinner.  All this talk about fish, fowl and forks is } making me hungry...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > >       I was on a hot date with a girl I met in my Abnormal Psychology > lecture.  She's about 5'5, brown eyes, cute dimples and long brown hair > that stops right in the middle of her back.  I really liked her, so I > asked her out.  I decided to take her to a semi-casual restaurant > about twenty miles from the university. >       Dinner was going well.  There was great conversation, great > food and we were really getting along well.  Then, in the middle of > the cheese course, she stands up and screams "You don't scare me, > you English bed-wetting types with your knees bent running about > advancing behavior!"  Then she got up and left, inadvertently stealing > my car in the process.  I ended up paying for dinner and walking home. > She returned my car the next morning.   My question is,  what do I > say?  The last time I had "Woman Trouble" you told me to try and > sort it out and if I couldn't, to call a certain telephone number > and tell my story to the girl who answered.  I didn't make the > call so I have a feeling it's all coming back to haunt me. > I'm miserable.. Please help.. >                                               Disenheartened > > BTW, did you get the Fruit Bat I sent as payment?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} < Oracle picks at a peice of flesh between his teeth > } } Most delicious. } } All I can say is that you indeed do have a problem. } } Lets have a closer look. } } < Oracle transforms into a button and attachs one self to the shirt > } } Lets go } } < Subject meets girl in Medical Disorders Seminar > } } ' Hi Baby ' } " Who the hell are you " < He is off to a bad start > } } 'What do you think of the presentation ?' < Average > } } " Well it was most deep and meaningfull especially in the ..." }   < Girl starts Verbosing > } } ' { Looks at watch } Uh I have to run but can we continue this say over }       dinner ? "  < Subtle as a lead brick > } } " Well OK when ? " < She was half expecting this > } }               [  They agree on a time and place ] } } [ Over dinner she talks about the seminar , He tries not to , Things } are going well until she spies his button.] } } < Girls sees button ( Oracle) and elopes with button > } } oops I must keep my almost magical charms under control. } } Then My only advice is Don't leave your keys in the car. Make sure if } any one has to walk home it is her. } } You owe the Oracle 3 more Fruitbats and 1 and 1/2 litre bottle of axel }  grease to wash them down

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O transparent Oracle, renown as the very paradigm of egoless > programming, this victim of minicomputer systems nostalgia and carpal > tunnel syndrome asks why junior programmers are so obstinate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm.   The oracle has often wondered that himself.  Unfortunatly the } answer to that question is quite complex.  For instance assembly } programers view programing in assembler to be the one true way to get } the machine to do things fast enough.  While machine code programmers } (not to many junior machine code programers around these days) view the } assembler programers as "wimps". Which brings us to the real wimps, the } PASCAL programers.  These quiche eaters should never be obstinate.  If } they become obstinate, just make em' translate fortran into pascal. } That'll put em in their place.  Course the fortran people come in two } varieties; first the nostalgic few who long for the good old days (even } though most of them wern't born in the good old days). You can pick } these out because they use fortran 66 not I repeat NOT fortran 77. } Fortran 77 is for commie bastards who are perverting GOD'S computing } language. Fortran 66... do loops the way GOD ment them to be... but I } digress. } } If your programers are programing in "C" or in a high level language; } don't worry at all; just tell them you want a "fast" something or other } and watch them writhe when they tell you that 'Language X' is to slow } to implement that. } } Then drive home the point and ask them "What good is it then?" } } In short they're obstinate because they think they know how to do what } they want to do but only I know how to do what they want to do how to } do it do. } } You owe the Oracle a punchcard reader.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #include <stdgrovel.h> > #include <stdoracle.h> > #include <heaven-com.h> > > #define ORACLE "Usenet Oracle" > #define MOUNTAIN "iuvax.cs.indiana.edu" > #define MAX_GROVEL 10 > > int     main () > { >         int     i; >         char    *mouse = "Humble Supplicant"; > >         findmountain (MOUNTAIN); >         findoracle (ORACLE); >         consult (ORACLE); >         for (i=0; i<MAX_GROVEL; i++) >                 grovel(ORACLE, rand()); >         askquestion ("Do ducks?  Why ducks?"); >         signature (*mouse); > }

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} #include <lightning.h> } #include <thunder.h> } #include <see_all.h> } #include <hear_all.h> } #include <know_all.h> } #include <demigod.h> } #include <punish.h> } #include <humor.h> } #include <clever.h> } #include <subtle.h> } #include <lisa.h> } #include <stdio.h> } #include <nonstdio.h> } } #define VICTIM "Humble Supplicant" } #define ORACLE "Usenet Oracle" } #define MOUNTAIN "iuvax.cs.indiana.edu" } #define PLANET "Earth" } } int   main () } { }       char    *question, *answer; } }       if (create_incarnation (ORACLE, PLANET, MOUNTAIN) == -1) { }               perror ("create_incarnation"); }               exit (-1); }       } }       ridicule (VICTIM); }       question = get_question (VICTIM); }       ridicule (question); }       threaten (VICTIM); }       switch (rate_question (question)) { }       case INTERESTING: }               answer = seek_answer (question); }               answer = add_subtle (answer); }               answer = add_clever (answer); }               answer = add_humor (answer); }               break; }       case TEDIOUS: }               answer = random_answer (); }               break; }       case STUPID: }               answer = NULL; }               punish (VICTIM); }               break; }       case INSULTING: }               answer = NULL; }               destroy (VICTIM); }               break; }       } }       reply (answer); } }

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who bestrides the planets and is an even better singer > than Peter Gabriel, it is said that thou canst see both past and > future. > > In that case, please answer thy servant's questions... > (1) Will Roger Waters ever rejoin Pink Floyd? > (2) Will Dan Quayle ever be president of the USA? > (3) Are Elvis and Jim Morrison really dead? > (4) Is the Great Goddess Ceridwen still alive? > (5) Who am I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whoa, there little buckaroo, hol' on with all them questions.  Yer } gonna confuse yer ol' pal the Oracle!  Now le'see, ah think ah got it } all straight fer ya: Dan Quayle and Ceridwen aren't dead; they run off } t'gether to join Pink Floyd.  You're the Great Goddess Jim Morrison, } President of the US of A, but you ARE dead.  Roger Waters is a better } singer than Peter Gabriel, and Elvis is undead. } } Got all that?  Goooood! } } Ya owe th' Oracle a new saddle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is the difference between Udders and Hooters?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle's Top Ten Differences between Udders and Hooters: } } 10.  If you make it between a pair of Udders, you're sick;  if you make }      it between a pair of Hooters, you're just kinky. } 9.   Udders give more butterfat than Hooters, but Hooters give sweeter }      milk. } 8.   Rev. Donald Wildmon doesn't currently object to showing Udders on }      TV. } 7.   You rarely see pictures of Udders in National Geographic. } 6.   Maidenform doesn't do bras for Udders. } 5.   Milking devices for Hooters will fit in a handbag. } 4.   Rudi Genreich would have died an udder unknown had he invented the }      topless cow bathing suit. } 3.   A movie showing scenes of Udders winds up on the Nashville Network }      instead of on Bravo. } 2.   When dancing, Hooters are more easily reached than Udders. } } And reason #1: In a size contest, Morganna's Hooters will beat any set } of Udders. } } You owe the Oracle a size 38D redhead.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Honorable Oracle-san, please do tell me:  If the Chinese > government adheres to the party line of > >       *The nail that sticks out must be hammered down* > > .... where does that leave the millions of dissidents that are mourning > the Tianamen Square *crackdown* (hammer-down) of 4 years ago?  Is China > a nation of nails that won't lie down?  What's next???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} $AUTOANSWER INITIATED:  QUESTION VERIFICATION PHASE } } $INFORMATIVE: 5 question-marks detected ... } $INFORMATIVE: 3 questions detected ... } $INFORMATIVE: QUESTION -- QUESTION-MARK MISMATCH: querent DWEEB-LEVEL: 2 } $INFORMATIVE: 3 questions detected in one submission: querent }               DWEEB-LEVEL: 4 } $INFORMATIVE: 3 words in obsequious phrases (CURRENT MINIMUM: 20): }               "Most Honorable" "please": querent DWEEB-LEVEL: 21 } } $AUTOANSWER CONTINUES:  SEMANTIC ANALYSIS PHASE } } $INFORMATIVE: JAPANESE -- CHINESE cultural confusion / nationality }               conflict: Oracle-san is a Japanese naming form. querent }               DWEEB-LEVEL: 22 } $INFORMATIVE: 1 Carl Sagan reference: "millions of": DISCARDED } $INFORMATIVE: 2 glue references: "adheres" "sticks" } $INFORMATIVE: 2 hammer references: "... be hammered down" "hammer-down" } $INFORMATIVE: 2 nail references: "The nail that ..." "nation of nails" } $INFORMATIVE: 4 phallic/sex references: "The nail that ..." "nation of }               nails" "won't lie down" "sticks out" } $INFORMATIVE: 5 political references: "Chinese government" "party line" }               "Tianamen Square" "China a nation..." "dissidents" } $INFORMATIVE: 1 extremely vague question detected: "What's next?": }               querent DWEEB-LEVEL: 32 } $INFORMATIVE: 1 bad metaphor detected: "China --> nation of nails that }               won't lie down": querent DWEEB-LEVEL: 42 } $INFORMATIVE: 1 super-serious question detected: "... millions of }               dissidents that are mourning ...": querent DWEEB-LEVEL: }               52 } $INFORMATIVE: QUERENT DWEEB-LEVEL EXCEEDED (CURRENT MAXIMUM: 50): silly }               answer acceptable. } } $AUTOANSWER CONTINUES:  SUGGESTION PHASE } } $INFORMATIVE: Carl Sagan: DISCARDED } $INFORMATIVE: glue: "I'm rubber and you're glue:  What you say and what }               you do bounces off me and sticks to you." } $INFORMATIVE: hammer: "If I had a hammer, there would be no more folk- }               singers." } $INFORMATIVE: hammer - nail: "If all you have is a hammer, everything }               looks like a nail." } $INFORMATIVE: phallic/sex: [OUTPUT BUFFER OVERFLOW] [OUTPUT FLUSHED] } $INFORMATIVE: phallic/sex - nail: "... bed of nails ..." } $INFORMATIVE: political - phallic/sex: "Politics makes strange }               bedfellows." } $INFORMATIVE: pun suggestions: "nails --> snails" }               "crackdown --> [anatomical reference]" }               "crackdown --> [drug reference]" }               "nail --> [sexual reference]" } } $AUTOANSWER CONTINUES:  ANSWER CONSTRUCTION PHASE } } $INFORMATIVE: BEST MATCH: "Politics makes strange bedfellows, and }               getting nailed on a bed of nails is no fun, believe me. }               Even with enormous amounts of experience at screwing its }               citizens, the Almighty Oracle doubts the Chinese }               hard-liners can keep it up forever. } }               Besides, those nail-beds leave all sorts of funny marks }               that makes the Significant Other ask some pretty }               embarrassing personal questions, even more embarrassing }               since the honest answers would all be "Yes." } }               Mrs. Mao Tse Tung would never approve." } } $AUTOANSWER CONTINUES:  COST EVALUATION PHASE } } $INFORMATIVE: final QUERENT DWEEB-LEVEL: 52: RESULTANT CHARGE-VALUE: 53 } $INFORMATIVE: Quantifying............... } $INFORMATIVE: cost suggestions: CHARGE-VALUE X 10 lbs of plastic }               explosives -- new AUTOANSWER program -- hot date with }               Mrs. Mao Tse Tung -- Sealy Posturepedic Nail-Mattress -- }               one Japanese/Chinese/ Chinese/Japanese dictionary } } $AUTOANSWER CONTINUES:  COST CONSTRUCTION PHASE } } $INFORMATIVE: BEST MATCH: "You owe the families of the victims of the }               Tianamen Square Massacre 500 pounds of C-4 plastic }               explosives, you owe yourself a Japanese/Chinese -- }               Chinese/Japanese dictionary, and you owe the Oracle a hot }               date with Mrs. Mao Tse Tung and a new AUTOANSWER }               program."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who wastes all their time writing the answers to all these questions, > anyway?  I wouldn't waste my life typing out some 10 page response to > the question "Is Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Difficult to make?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Who wastes all their time?!?  You have a pitifully limited } appreciation of the Oracle.  It is not a waste of time.  The Oracle } provides a window of golden wisdom onto the miserable ignorance of the } human race.  The Oracle is a blossoming flower of understanding in the } great weed strewn waste of tired, pedantic facts.  The Oracle is the } lively light of humor and compassion lost in the smokey gloom of } modern times.  When life grinds you like a slug beneath a great stone } wheel, you can always turn to the Oracle for a crack to hide in.  If } Fate deals you a bad hand, and your soul is in the pot, then the Oracle } will fill the inside straight and top it off with an ace.  When } friends and family make you feel like a lost puppy, the Oracle always } has a bowl of puppy chow.  Do you understand now?  The Oracle is more } than a game; it is a guiding force in the chaotic bumbling of life. } } Besides, how much time do you think it takes to produce a ten page } answer?  It takes me about 5 minutes.  This whole message took me only } 25 seconds.  Are you saying that you are slower than that?  Do you } have a brain tumor or something? } } You owe the Oracle some hip boots, a nose plug, and a shovel.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh most powerful and benevolent Oracle, whose integrated circuits > are so integrated, please answer me this question: > >       From what did the koosh evolve, and what does the kooshkin have > to do with it? > >       From your must humble supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Biologists are pretty strongly divided about the } origin of the koosh.  The koosh shares some features with } many different plants, but none of them are the important } ones.  Most of the theories which are taken seriously do } not have a careful history of the koosh, but instead point } to other related plants, and suppose they have some sort of } common ancestor. }       Among these theories are the "Deep-Ocean Sponge Theory", } the "Mexican Jumping Bean Theory", the "Bounced Check Theory", and } most famous of all, the "Rubber Tree Theory".  The last one was } the theory proposed by the discoverer of _hortentus kooshkinitis_, } Dr. Andre Kooshkin. }       The debate over the origin of the koosh had been all but } forgotten when Tony Petrruchio released his popular book, } "Behind the Koosh", in which he argued that the koosh was } merely a synthetic rubber toy made by toy manufactures, and } Dr. Kooshkin had been sneaking out at night and sticking them } in the ground. }       Petrruchio's claims were never substantiated, although } they destroyed Kooshkin's career.  (The fact that, as Petrruchio } pointed out, Kooshkin's name could be anagrammed to 'shin kook' } didn't help his orthopedic practice either.) } } You owe the oracle a lifetime supply of President Bongo postings.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great oracle whose powers of wisdom spans the cosmos, whose > existance enlightens all sentient beings everywhere, whose > cross-dimensional mind is filled with standing waves of knowledge, > whose thoughts monitor all of creation... Oh Great oracle whose > distilled wisdom and sagacity are like unto no other, whose limitless > incarnations in its many anonymous forms male, female and neuter... > whose blessed voice fills all who hear it with great awe of your > massive intelect... please answer my question: > > How do I get into hanger 18 and steel the trans-warp-drive for the UFO?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, no one has made a steel trans-warp-drive for many years now, } mostly because the positronic scanners tended to demangitize your } neural core when you tried to turn right (remember the right-hand-rule } from physics? well, if you were an early warp pilot and forgot, you } might just demagnitize your brain. Many of these pilots had to retire } from space-travel and become complexity theorists, where your brain } polarity doesn't matter). Marvin Minsky first theorized that a } successful positronic Warp Drive could be created by demagnitizing } your brain, and them remagnitizing it with the neural substrate of a } rapidly accelerating virtual reality. The problem was, he depolarized } his brain a few too many times and turned into Nicholas Negroponte } (they are really the same person---ever notice how you never see them } together?) That's why modern warp drives are made of silicon, } Jello-brand gelatin, and artificial hair, held together with Chomsky's } Government Binding formula.