Goto:

313, 313-01, 313-02, 313-03, 313-04, 313-05, 313-06, 313-07, 313-08, 313-09, 313-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, overseer of all things, both foreign and domestic, > please help me.  I have been arguing with a friend over the subject of > cause and effect in time-travel.  He says if you go back in time and > shoot your father, you will die.  I say that you will still be alive, > only much slower and have the word 'Bob' attached to the end of your > first name.  Please tell me which of us is right.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lightening crashes in through the dirty windows of a musty } laboratory. Thunder echoes from the damp stone walls, mixed with } occasional maniacal laughter from a figure crouched in the corner. } The spidery fingers of the Oracle dance over a wall size control } panel, fine tuning the settings on the bulky machinery that fills the } room.  In between his hysteric outbursts of laughter, snatches of his } incessant mutterings can be made out... } } "...just because I'm supposed to know everything... I'm hungry } dammit... f***ing wise-ass supplicants think they can stump me with } this damn father-son paradox ... I should be in bed with Lisa... } well, we're going to find out once and for all!" } } With this last utterance, the Oracle leans over and throws a giant } scissor switch set into the wall. A giant, scrolling LED display } begins to count down... } } "30,29,28...." } } The Oracle shuffles towards the center of the room, opens a small } door in a chamber that resembles a locomotive boiler, and climbs in. } } "20,19,18... Dow Jones closed at 1725... IBM Stock falls 3.25 } points... 15,14,13..." } } The Oracle turns, and sits on a small wooden plank bolted to the } chamber wall. He glances nervously through the small glass window in } the door. A tiny drop of sweat rolls off his brow and splashes } silently on the iron floor. } } "4,3... Maple Leafs: 1   Kings:3 ... 2,1... ZERO" } } In a blinding flash of light, the assembly occupying the floor of the } room dissappears. The control console goes dark except for a small } readout flashing quietly in the center of wall: } } "Destination: IUVAX.CS.INDIANA.EDU    Date: May 40, 1985  02:25" } } {Fade out and back in, revealing a dusty computer room with a single } occupant} } } The quiet tapping of computer keys drift across the room.  Suddenly } the room goes dark and then lights back up again as lightning flashes } criss-cross the ceiling.  As the lightening fades, and the pale glow } of the flourescent lights blink back on, we see a new figure standing } in the room.  This new person, the Oracle, walks slowly to the man } crouched at the computer terminal... } } "Steve Kinzler?" } } The man at the keyboard looks up, "Yeah,  Where's my pizza?" } } With a deft movement, the Oracle reaches into his lab coat and } removes a bulky object. Suddenly, Mr. Kinzler finds himself looking } down the barrel of a huge handgun, the laser sight glowing brightly } in his left eye. } } Mr. Kinzler, panicking, starts to shuffle his chair backwards, "Hey, } hey, hey! No reason to get upset. I'll tip you this time, honest!" } } The Oracle, holding the gun, mutters quietly, "Goodbye father" } } ... and pulls the trigger } } --------------------- (blip) --------------------- } } SYSTEM ERROR%% ZOMBIE PROCESS CREATED BY UNRECOGNIZED USER } SYSTEM ERROR%% SOURCE ACCOUNT: BILLY-BOB KINZLER } REBOOTING...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> thricken% cat > to_oracle > What on earth do all the numbers mean at the top of the list of > occularities?  Are they supposed to be the results of the voting? > > Oh dear, forgot to grovel ... um ... > ^D > thricken% ed to_oracle > 154 > $p > Oh dear, forgot to grovel ... um ... > 1i > Oh Oracle who is jolly cunning and knows a thing or two, I can tell > you, please bestow upon me the gift of your bounteous knowledge: > > . > w > 311 > q > thricken% mail oracle < to_oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tsk, Tsk!  Silly supplicant, know you not that the Oracle cannot } be fooled?  As you can see, the Oracle is fully aware of your utter } lack of reverence and self-deprecation.  I have included above a } complete transcript of your misdeeds in both thought and action. } } I'm afraid I'm just going to have to make an example of you.  You } mortals are getting far too cocky lately. } } What have you done, you ask? (You see -- again I read your thoughts. } You lower species are so transparent to such an incredibly omniscient } and really neat entity as myself.) } } Here is why, oh foolish mortal, that I must castigate you: } } (1)  Not only did you include your requisite grovelling as an } AFTERTHOUGHT, but you prepended it to your message with with ed(1)! } The Oracle generally expects that truly reverent messages be composed } with GNU EMACS at the very least.  Only the works of the great and } free software god Richard Stallman and his angels truly interfaces } well with the Mighty Oracle.  Anything less is like you sending the } Pope a petition written on toilet paper.  For the sake of you mortals, } the Oracle tolerates toilet paper occasionally, but groveling with } ed(1) is far worse than sending a request on USED toilet paper! } GAAAAHHHH!!! } } 2)  When you DID finally get around to groveling (It was almost AN } ENTIRE 4.8831 SECONDS after you had composed your question), JUST LOOK } at what you said: }       "Oh Oracle who..."      ; This was a good start, I admit. } }       "..is jolly cunning..." ; This part was OK, although 'jolly }                               ; cunning' is not really a very dignified }                               ; way of saying 'Magnificent, Fantastic, }                               ; All-knowing, Gracious, Tremendous, }                               ; Infinitely Sexy and Above All, Modest' } }       "...and knows a thing or two..." }                               ; A THING OR TWO!!!  A THING OR TWO!!! }                               ; You call THIS respectful language!!! }                               ; The mighty Oracle knows ALL.  Do you }                               ; realize just how much ALL is?  Of }                               ; course not -- if you did, you'd be }                               ; me.  Well let me just tell you -- ALL }                               ; is one awful lot more than a simpering }                               ; little snivelling puny THING OR TWO. }                               ; ARRRGHHHH! GGGGAAAAAA! PFFFFTTTT! }                               ; ACK-PHTPT!  Now that REALLY makes me }                               ; mad! } }       ".. I can tell you,..." ; You can?!! Such presumption!! } } And just LOOK at your question!  You started it with "What on } earth...". On earth.  On EARTH.  ON EARTH!!!!    ARRGGGHHH!!  If you } think the Great (and very calm and friendly) Oracle spends much of its } time on EARTH, boy have you got a shock coming!  Mars has a much much } nicer climate this time of year.  And besides, the Oracle just adores } the color red. } }       So you see, I really have no choice.  Not only will I NOT tell } you that the answer to your question is "Yes.  The popularity of } previous digest entries is posted in the current digest.  Consult the } volume number at the start of the line of numbers to match the results } up with previous Oracularities", but the Oracle must see to your } appropriate punishment.  Let me see.... } }       (sound of someone hunting through a LOT of books on creaky }        library shelves) }       'The Marquis and I'            ...hmmmmm. No,no. }       'I think therefore I Ching'    ...no,no. }       'The Intel 8086 Users Manual'  ...hmmmmm. Better. Much better. }                                         Not quite it... }       'Implications of the existence of distraught and disjoint mani- }        folds on the structure of a twenty-three dimensional non-Eucl- }        idian space time continuum'   ...Gad, no!  Used that one last }                                         time. }       'Ancient Tortures Made Simple' ...AHHHH! } }       (sound of someone flipping through the pages of an old, dusty }        book...) } }       Yes... I think we'll go with the Chinese Water Torture.  Chain you } to a wall.  Come in every hour and put 1 drop of water on your head. } You go nuts waiting for next drop. Hmmmmm. }       Lets make it more interesting.  Over the course of the } next 5 days, Oh soon to be regretful one,  Each of the following } events will happen to you.  Sometime during the day.  You won't } know when.  Ha. } }       Day 1:  A fly will land on your nose. }       Day 2:  You will be stung on your left elbow by a mosquito. }       Day 3:  You will find 1/2 an ant in your food. }       Day 4:  A baby will piddle on your tie. }       Day 5:  A freak wormhole in space-time will cause a }               10,000 pound lead weight to drop on your head, reducing }               you to instantly to a pulp. } }       Welllllll-- O.K.  You DID at least TRY to grovel.  Just because } I'm such a nice entity, we could skip Day 5.  Maybe.  You're going to } have to prove you're seriously sorry.  To do so: } }       (1)     Immediately and without delay, delete all copies of }       ed(1) from your Un*x system.  Purge it's manuals!  Don't forget }       the catable ones!! } }       (2)     Install GNU EMACS.  If you already have GNU EMACS, install }       it again.  It might have been contaminated by ed(1).  Recompile it }       from floppy disk just to be sure!  And you'd better use GNU CC }       or else! } }       (3)     Write and release a virus that will worm its way through }       all of your puny planet's computer systems, deleting the vile }       ed(1) wherever it may be found.  Have it convert all MS-DOS(tm) }       systems to Un*x, and disarm all nuclear missiles, while you're at }       it. } }       (4)     Go to the nearest flagpole.  While wearing only under- }       shorts made of old MS-DOS(tm) boot disks, (you may use a stapler, }       tape or strawberry chewing gum to assemble them), climb to the top }       of the pole.  Sing the following to the tune of Mozart's symphony }       #41 in G minor, loudly for 2 hours, or until they take you away, }       whichever comes first: } }                       Oh Oracle!! Oracle!!!, }                       Magnificent and Gracious, }                       Oh wonderful and friendly one }                       Who's totally sagacious! }                       Forgive me, Spiffy Oracle, }                       Forgive me my fell crime, }                       I'll never use old ed() again, }                       I'll EMACS all the time! } }       That will suffice.  Good luck.  I'd get to it, if I were you. } That fly is buzzing your way even as I speak.... } }       You owe the Oracle a Un*x boot disk and some nifty lisp code } for EMACS that permits the user to write only in palindromes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Thou Oracle, your insightful insight into overnight > interludes is requested.  After I stay up all night > studying, I have noticed that a bizarre, noxious > substance forms on my tongue.  What is this goop and > where does it come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm. I'll have to send it over to the lab for analysis. } } (SHORT INTERLUDE OF TACKY THEME MUSIC) } } Kirk:  Well, what do you make of it, men? } } Spock: It is unmistakeably a product of carbon-based life forms, }        Captain. Logic suggests that, from the circumstances of its }        discovery, it is likely to be related to the reaction of this }        example of the human species to some form of extreme emotional }        experience. } } Kirk:  You mean - it's the result of sheer terror? } } Spock: Affirmative, captain. } } Kirk:  I pity him - what he must have gone through... What could have }        caused it, though? } } Spock: I am afraid I may only offer speculation there. It should be }        observed that no analogous symptom is known in the Vulcan race; }        the corresponding absence of the emotional aspect of fear in our }        race is what led me to my conclusion. } } McCoy: Jim, I think you should... } } Kirk:  What is it, Bones? Is it dangerous? } } McCoy: It's worse than that, Jim. Look at the sensors. It's alive! } } Goop:  Fourier transform with respect to x..... } } Kirk:  Stand back, men. Phasers on stun. } } Goop:  ...second law of thermodynamics... } } Kirk:  It's showing signs of intelligence, Spock. } } Spock: Not so, Captain. More a form of unthinking repetition of }        absorbed fact. A characteristic of the lower ranks of mankind. } } McCoy: You mean... } } Spock: Indeed. A student. } } Goop:  ...the significance of Beethoven's later symphonies... } } Kirk:  (to communicator) Bridge? Yellow alert. } } Siren:  Wrrrupppp!  Wrrrupppp! } } Goop:   ...Battle of Trafalgar 1805... } } Spock:  There is no need for alarm, captain. The logical conclusion is, }         that due to the intense stress of exam revision, the victim's }         brain has attempted to assume a foreign form, and thus effect }         escape. It appears to have been successful; however it still }         shows symptoms of having been forcibly educated. } } McCoy:  There's no hope for it, Jim. It won't survive long. } } Goop:   ...guck shhhlurrrp frppppp... } } Kirk:   Well done, men. Bridge? Warp factor two. Anywhere - as long as }         it doesn't have a high school. The universe is difficult }         enough, without people understanding it.. } } You owe the Oracle a degree and a pair of latex ears.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle with the light brown hares, > > Why is it that the slow and plodding turtle with the drab and > uninteresting wardrobe failed to defeat the dashing, debonair, and > thoroughly swift rabbit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh, the danger of fashion.  At first the rabbit zoomed past the } turtle with a sneer, which irritated the turtle.  Just before the } rabbit reached the finish line, he happened to pass a shiny window. } He just had to stop for a second to admire his classy outfit.  What } did he see, but his cravat did not match his shoes!  What a gastly } error!  He couldn't be seen crossing the finish line with that outfit. } He ran back to his house.  On the way back to the finish line, he } zoomed past the turtle with a sneer, which badly irritated the turtle. } Just before the rabbit reached the finish line, he stepped in a mud } puddle.  Oh no!  One shoe and pant leg was dirty!  He ran back to his } house.  On the way back to the finish line, he zoomed past the turtle } with a sneer, which seriously pissed off the turtle.  Just before the } rabbit reached the finish line, he realized that he had forgotten to } put on sunscreen.  Well, he did not want to risk skin cancer.  He ran } back to his house.  On the way back to the finish line, he zoomed past } the turtle with a sneer, which was the last straw for the turtle.  The } turtle chopped the rabbit off at the knees with a large machete. } While the rabbit writhed in agony, the turtle crossed the finish line. } } You owe the Oracle two lucky rabbit's feet.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Why I sould have elvis's children? > find . -type f -name "*bm*" -print > /tmp/hello ) >& /dev/null

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ----- begin transcript ----- } } OracleOS V19.91  (Rev 0)  (oracle.delphi.grc) } } login: oracle } Password: } } Last login: Thu Oct 19 1987 from nyse.satan.com } OracleOS V19.91  System #0: Mon Jan 1 00:00:00 OST 00001 } } Welcome to the Oracle at Delphi (tm)! } Remember, only one question per mortal. } Have a nice day. } } You have new mail } % osequip } } The Oracle Standard Entry Question Unraveling Incremental Parser } } Please type query exactly as asked: } > Why I sould have elvis's children? } } Parsing . . } Error: Word in position number  3 is invalid. } Alternate spellings: }   1.  sold (default) }   2.  souled }   3.  would } Enter choice, or <return> for default: } default taken. } } . } Error: Word in position number  4 conflicts.  Grammar parser error } #734. Choices: }   1.  delete word (default) }   2.  choose a different word }   3.  retype sentence } Enter choice, or <return> for default: } default taken. } } . } Warning: Word in position number  5 shold be capitalized. } Warning: Word in position number  5 is misspelled.  Form: "s's" } Capitalization executed; trailing 's' automatically deleted. } } . } Warning: Punctuation does not match sentence. } '?' changed to '.' } } done.  Total number of errors: 0 } } Text reads: "Why I sold Elvis' children." } } ----- pause transcript ----- } } Hmmmm.  The Oracle questions the wisdom of selling Elvis' children at } such a low price.  Also, the text of the article in question has some } rather, um, questionable facts.  For example, Noah Webster did _not_ } build the Ark, nor was he in fact alive in 1956. } } ---- continue transcript ----- } } % find . -type f -name "*bm*" -print > /tmp/hello ) >& /dev/null } % cat /tmp/hello } } % cat /dev/null } Command completed.   0 file(s) found. } } % logout } Connection closed. } } ----- end transcript ----- } } You owe the Oracle a suBMissive Elvis Love-Child

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Question not found. } Retry, Ignore, Cancel? } } You owe the oracle a copy of msdos 8.3!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ok, the number of the place is 1-555-645-9237, } ask for Cindy and set up an ``Appointment'' for monday. } And remember, if the police ask - you don't know her.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise and witty, whose profundities could confuse a thousand > Henry Kissingers, who knows all, sees all, and hears all, and smells > too, please answer this vexing conundrum: > > If one train leaves Palm Springs at 12:00, and a second one leaves > New York at 4:00, and they each travel at 100 miles an hour, and they > crash into each other in Kansas City, and the conductor is your mother, > and half of the passengers are Canadian and the other half are Dutch, > and if at the same time a radio signal leaves Alpha Centauri and > reaches Kansas City 4.3 years later, and a passenger is found dead of > lead poisoning in a locked stateroom with a puddle of water and a > spiderweb on the floor, and the engineer's middle name is Steve, and > the only clue is a slip of paper found in a goldfish bowl, and the > speed of sound in air is 712 miles per hour, and there are 50 states in > the Union, how many lawyers will sue Amtrak because of the train wreck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, finally a math problem with some meat to it.  The answer is 12, } but I sense that you do not believe me.  I will provide a variety of } arguments to choose from, so that there is no doubt as to my } infailability. } } MATHEMATICAL ARGUMENT: } The subdifferential of a west bound train at 4 p.m. is 13.7 times the } Croissant index of the local bar exam.  Therefore, given the standard } argument, 12 lawyers will sue. } } RELIGIOUS ARGUMENT: } 12 is correct.  You must have faith or die, heathen pig. } } PHILOSOPHICAL ARGUMENT: } 12, 20, or 1000.  Does it really matter? } } ASTRONOMICAL ARGUMENT: } According to our data, 12 is correct, within two orders of magnitude. } } ARCHEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT: } In 1275 B.C., there was a crash between two ox drawn carts in the } lower Sudan.  Given a suitable translation of the Stickymud } Manuscript, it was said that 12 laywers sued the drivers.  Since modern } culture is a derivative of the culture of that time, 12 laywers would } sue today. } } ASTROLOGICAL ARGUMENT: } 12 is the only truly perfect number.  Everything has a twelve in it. } } STATISTICAL ARGUMENT: } The last time there was a train wreck with exactly the same conditions, } 12 laywers sued. } } INTUITIVE ARGUMENT: } 12 just feels right.  11 is too few, and 13 is far too many. } } WEAK ARGUMENT: } 12, please? } } STRONG ARGUMENT: } TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, } TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, } TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, } TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, } TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, } T-W-E-L-V-E!  Do you believe me now?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that by the time I have worked up the nerve to ask > a girl out she's already dating someone else? > Davey

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle understands your dilemma, for it is a common one. } Many is the time I am asked: "Why is it that by the time I have } worked up the nerve to ask a girl out she's already dating someone } else?"  Sadly there are no simple answers to this question.  Well, } there is a simple answer, which is that you are an insecure little } toad who doesn't have the common courtesy to grovel before the } allmighy Oracle.  But this doesn't really help you out, does it? } } Many people will tell you that to solve the problem of the woman } of your dreams dating someone else, you must first find out why } you couldn't ask her out in the first place.  These same people } will give you extremely useless advice, such as "Go ahead, ask } her out, the worst thing she can do is say no," or "Oh, the right } woman will come along in due time.  If it is meant to happen, it } will happen."  These people should be shot, for their own good, and } because they only make the Oracle's job that much harder.  The truth } is that it doesn't matter WHY you didn't ask her out, after all, } she's already seeing this other schmuck, right?  The real question } is WHAT are you going to do about it?  Here you have two options: } } A)  Wallow in self-pity, and wonder what you can do to increase }         your self confidence } or } } B)  Go out and DO something about it, using the Oracles guaranteed }         'How to Break Up A Relationship' program. } } On the off chance that you don't choose option A, I shall provide } sections which should prove useful to your situation. } } >                 How To Break Up A Relationship } >                   Chapter 7:  Someone Else's } > } >    So, you've gotten through the 'Why is it that by the time I have } > worked up the nerve to ask her out she's already dating someone } > else?' stage and moved on to the 'What am I going to do about it?' } > stage.  Here you must take great care, for not only must you drive } > a wedge between the two of them, but you must also make sure she } > doesn't find out you are behind it.  We will follow the situation of } > an imaginary subject 'Davey' as he attempts to break apart 'Linda' } > and 'Tom.' } >    Davey's first step is to go to Linda's apartment and wait until } > she and Tom arrive.  Once the two of them are safely inside, Davey } > goes to Tom's car and siphon's out all the gas.  When Tom tries to } > leave, he cannot start his car, and goes back to Linda's and asks } > if he can spend the night.  Linda isn't that naiive to fall for the } > old 'I ran out of gas, honest' routine, and while the two of them } > are arguing, Davey pours about a gallon of gas back into the tank. } > (The rest he pours on Tom's new paint job)  When Tom goes back } > outside to 'prove' that the car won't start, he is astonished to } > find that, indeed, his car does start.  Tom leaves, and Linda } > remain's suspicious. } >    The next day, Davey places an ad the the personal's section of } > the local newspaper that reads:  'Susan, I love you, Linda means } > nothing to me, yours forever, Tom' and another that reads 'Linda, } > I love you, You are the only one for me, yours forever, Tom.' } > Davey then calls Linda's best friend and tells her that Tom is two- } > timing Linda and seeing someone named Susan, and to look in the } > newspaper.  Eventually Tom will convince Linda that this is a case } > of mistaken identity, and she will quasi-forgive him. } >    About a week later, while Tom is out, Davey goes to his apartment } > dressed as a delivery man.  He leaves a package with the neighbors } > and instructs them to give it to Tom as soon as possible.  Tom } > returns late with Linda (they went to dinner) and the neighbors } > bring over Tom's package which he dutifully opens.  Inside he finds } > a collection of low grade porno films, and an invoice.  By this time, } > Linda is so turned off, she vows never to speak to Tom again. } >    The next day, Davey 'happens' to run into Linda and tells her } > that she looks like she needs someone to talk to.  The rest is } > history. } } Sniff, sniff, I always cry at happy endings. } } You owe the Oracle one box of Kleenex

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which is better, rec.humor.funny, or alt.sex.sheep?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm.  The Oracle loves making subjective judgements, as if you hadn't } guessed. Even though your question shows a completely improper lack of } respect for the Oracle's superior opinion, he will share it with you } anyway.  Anyone needing an answer to this question deserves a little } mercy. } } The easiest way to make this choice for yourself is to look at both } newsgroups side by side. } }     rec.humor.funny                 alt.sex.sheep }     ---------------                 ------------- }     New sheep jokes                 Old sheep jokes }     Ethnic jokes                    Ethnic jokes with sheep }     Shaggy Dog stories              "Soft wool" dissertations }     rot13 applied to stories        rot13 applied to stories }       with sexual overtones            that mention "lambchops" }     Warnings and threats            Warnings and threats }     Monthly administrative          Monthly "Frequently Asked }       posts                            Questions list (33rd rev.)" }     Annual jokebook sale            Annual shearing festival }     Brad Templeton                  "shepherd@looking.on.ca" } } As you can see, there's no discernible difference. } } You owe the Oracle a complete set of rec.humor.funny jokebooks, bound } in lambskin.