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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A cheeseburger, large fries, and an orange drink.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One cheeseburger, check. } Orange drink, check. }    \ }     \ }     _\ }     \ }      \ }      _\ }        \ }         * } One large fried Supplicant, check. } } Next time, you'll remember to grovel.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most very gracious and rash Oracle, master of all knapsacks, whose > lousy spelling pretend to be sheriff, answer my humble question.  Which > is worse, the unrestrained vengence of the Dogcatcher or the > unrestrained lust of the The Shopping Mall Club?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Damn supplicants, when will they ever learn that I have better things } to do with my time than settle these petty little arguments. } Especially whenthey are invalid comparisons to begin with.  Although at } least this time I am being asked to compare two emotions.  Jeez, I'll } never forget that one question, 'Which is more powerful, two ants on } LSD, or a box of Cheerios?'  Imagine asking me to compare insects to } foodstuffs. (The ants are more powerful by the way, social insects are } surprisingly high up on the evolutionary scale, while unsweetened } breakfast cerials are quite low.) } } But I digress, the problem is actually quite trivial once you apply } some simple logic.  watch and learn: } } If the vengeance of the dogcatcher is greater then: } }   vengeance / Dogcatcher - lust / ShoppingMallClub >=0 ? } } but, 'vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord', so: } }   Lord / Dogcatcher - lust / ShoppingMallClub >=0 ? } } and lust is a deadly sin, so: } }   Lord / Dogcatcher - sin / ShoppingMallClub >=0 ? } } now, assuming a non-trivial Lord, we get: } }   1 / Dogcatcher - ( sin / Lord ) / ShoppingMallClub >=0 ? } } but, by definition, the sin of the Lord is identically zero, so: } }   1 / Dogcatcher >= 0 ? } } however, dog : cat :: cat : mouse  (weren't those SAT/GRE's fun?) } so: } }    1/ ((Cat**2/mouse)catcher) >= 0 ?  or  bringing the other cat } inside, (must be a house cat) } }    (mouse * cher) / Cat**3 >=0 ? } } but there is only one Cher, so: } }     mouse / cat**3 >= 0 ? } } A futile exercise is a 'cat and mouse game' so: } }     cat-mouse=0 } } substituting back in gives: } }     1/cat**2 >= 0 ? } } which is identically true for all cats.  So it follows that the } vengeance of the dogcatcher is greater.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, King of Computational Wisdom, Whose Answers Astound > All Who See: >       Tell me why after slaving for 4 years to get my double major in > Math/CS I am unwilling to go into the real world?  I have this perverse > desire to get a job at the university, to go staff, to STAY HERE. > Surely this is unnatural!  The career services department tells me that > I can make $35,000 a year at Microsoft, but my only desire is to work in > the E-Systems lab forever. > > Help!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}        Good question. let's just see what would happen in each case. } } oracle>telnet xstalball } } telnet version 23,000.01 diety-soft inc. copyright 3987bc } }        connecting to xstalball.levi.com(168.146.216.15) } }   entering input mode...    escape character is ^] } }    welcome to the xstallball! } }       ultra-diefied-unix ver 5.2 copyright 100ad ball-soft inc. } } login:oracle } password: } } last login 1738ad from heaven.com } no new mail } } oracle:search suplicant>programer>geek>lost-in-space } } 23479565389576 entries found. } } >I really should have used a slightly more specific search. } } oracle>search suplicant>programer>geek>thinking about microsoft } 1 entry found } } >that's you } } oracle> read future microsoft job } }      subject will start employment at Microsoft inc. 1992 }      subject will write lots of "user friendly" software products the }            most notable being DOORS a non-graphical environment. each }            product will come with flashy marketing and lots of }            documentation that would insult the inteligence of most }            semi-sane 4 year old children. }      subject meets Teri (smileyface over the i) Gabrenya. age 22. }      xstalball fem rating: va va va voom. } }      subject promoted to VP 1994 }      subject promoted CEO 1995 }      subject sweeps board of directors, places self in charge of }      everything 1996 } >this is where it gets good. } }      subject murders 6 human males, 2 horses, and one iguana after }             coming home early and finding Teri ( :-) over the i) in }             bed with same. }      subject covers up crime with copious amounts of cash }      subject found by Teri (smilyface i) in love nest with all of the }             playmates of the month from 2004. }      subject recieves gift of four rapidly moving lead projectiles }      subject dies after 6 months as a total quadraplegic. }      end of life june 15, 2005 } } >eek let's see what happens the other way } } oracle> read future university job } }       subject employed at university }       subject meets JANE DOE: STUDENT  xstalball fem rating:ralph. }       blech. urp. end of life august 3, 2072 } } oracle>logout } }       Well, you have a choice. } }        say hi to miss. November 2004 for me    YOW! } } you owe the oracle a copy of DOORS 3.0 for a 80986 pc.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       I recently read about how missiles, and more recently > submarines, use variations in local gravity for a navigation aid.  Is > it possible for there to be 'gusts' of gravity, where local gravity > changes by a small but measurable amount? > >               --From a concerned Juggler

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Gusts of gravity? Get real! There is no such thing (whooooah).  In } fact I wouldn't be surprised if it was just a CIA propoganda story for } making you believe that our missiles and submarines really work (my, my } hand suddenly feals *much* heavier).  It has to be one of the silliest } things I have ever heard (I am certain that paperweights should not be } floating in mid-air), and I would, if I were a lowly mortal such as } yourself , never trust anything I read in that magazine from now on } (hmm, I can read my screen when I am upside-down and spinning around } slowly).  A gravity "gust" is obviously a subliminal form of "Support } the Republicans", make sure not to read too many of those articles or } else (Trying to lift my head off of the desk) you will start doing } that.  Anyway, if this were true, how could any weight-loss center ever } make a decent profit, with all this gravity changing all the time } (Yelps with pain as a feather, accelarated to a speed of mach 5, hits } his hand) ? Hmmm? Think before you answer these questions! } } You owe the oracle a hydrolic car press and a Weightwatchers catalogue.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh splendid and phoney Oracle, master of all sewers earthly and arcane, > whose fishpond I am too fat to pinch, without whom the razor would be > crisp, in whose presence Humbert Baby-Robot whimpers, do tell me this. > Why do I get flamed whenever I post on talk.tcp-ip.mistress?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Zzzz. Zzzz. Zzzz-nuh? }     Wha...? Who...? <click> Dammit, Michele, I told you to tell } everyone I was in a meeting... Well, too late now, there's one } standing right in front of me. <click> } }     Now just a minute while I find my glasses... It's getting so an } Oracle can't spend a quiet hour after lunch without some mortal's } request flitting right past the secretary. These temp services are NOT } -- ah, here they are. }     All right, let's see what we've got, shall we? Zumb zumb "sewer"? }     Mm-hm. Zumb zumb zumb "razor"? Oh, yes, of course, you're the one } with that thing about crisp razors. You really should talk to a } specialist. }     As for your question, it's such an easy one I could answer it in my } sleep. Almost did, come to think of it. You get flamed on } talk.tcp-ip.mistress because you insist on using real names. }     Think about it for a moment. Suppose you post "I've been doing it } with Mrs. Snuggly every Tuesday afternoon since last Whitsun." Let's } look at the list of people you've just offended: }     MR. SNUGGLY: He may not care to see his wife's name so casually }                       tossed about on the net. }     MRS. SNUGGLY: She won't want some of the more intimate details -- }                       especially about that little rabbit fantasy of }                       hers -- to be made public knowledge. }     OLD MA SNUGGLY: Family honor is very important to her, and if that }                       slut her son married can't keep her gigolos quiet, }                       well, maybe Ma has some ideas of her own. }     JULIA ROBERTS: Keifer is just a front. She really wants you, big }                       guy, but the way you parade your mistresses around }                       is tearing her apart inside. }     THE BOARDS OF DIRECTORS OF SERTA AND SEELEY: They're getting tired }                       of reading about your personal life when you }                       accidentally cross-post to talk.tcp-ip.matress. }     ORACLE: Maybe I'm having a fling with Mrs. Snuggly, too. Or maybe }                       she threw me over for some jerk she went on and }                       on about who turns out to be you. And maybe I'll }                       flame you on the network, or maybe I'll flame you }                       on an open grill! } This is of course a hypothetical example, but you get the idea. You } never know who may be reading what you post, and how they might react. }     The solution is to always use phony [note preferred spelling] names } and someone else's sig. } }     You owe the Oracle a copy of your little black book and a 1991-92 } appointment calendar.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So there's this little problem here.  You see, there's this company > called CMS (I dunno what it stands for -- I always called it "Cannot > Mean Seriously", like the IBM operating system).   I ordered 73.1 > octagonal whine removers four weeks ago --- call their Ordering Stuff > Department, ask for form, get form in mail, put lots of letters and > numbers in all the little tiny boxes, put form in goldfish bowl with > very large check, fill with lucite, send back to CMS.  All the standard > stuff.  I always order my octagonal whine removers from CMS, never any > problem. > > So they write back and tell me that they have just decided that they > are really an airline.  They just got six planes, and the people who > used to produce octagonal whine removers are now flying businessgeeks > in grey flannel suits from Tampa to Sri Lanka and slinky expensive > prostitutes in red nightgowns [probably not flannel, though you can't > be sure without paying $150.21] from Nice to Kansas City, and they > don't have time to send me my 73.1 octagonal whine removers.  But the > people in the Removing Checks From Lucite-Full Fishbowls Department are > still there, even though they've branched out to include Removing > Checks From Very Secure Safe Deposit Boxes, and they've decided to > practice using my goldfish bowl just to make sure. > > So they've cashed my check, and given me coupons good for two hundred > and eighty-one half-price plane tickets from Barcelona, Spain to Spare > New Old New London, Australia, as long as I don't mind sitting next to > a bunch of highly-trained Ukranian Consonant Pronouncers wearing green > flannel armor. > > So here's the problems. > >   1) Why would I want to go from Barcelona to Spare New Old New London >      281 times?  All my Aussie friends are in New Auxiliary Old >      Alternate Old New London, and that's a long way away. > >   2) Where can I order more octagonal whine removers?  Lots of demand >      for them around here, and the supplies are running kind of low. > >   3) Why are all those prostitutes flying to Kansas City?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the files of Internet Iggy: } } I was sitting in my office watching the roaches multiply when this } funny looking business geek runs in.  He opened the door so } suddenly that two of the roaches divided.  He starts spinning some } wild yarn about octagonal whine removers, lucite fish bowls, Spare New } Old New London, large checks, and slinky expensive prostitutes in red } nightgowns.  Those last two tidbits got my attention.  I let him run } down while I subtracted roaches from my coffee.  I was trying to } figure him out.  Was he some street whacko without a penny, or was he } some heavy dude with "unusual" business practices? } } Eventually he saw that I wasn't paying real close attention.  He } slapped the desk so hard that he added two roaches together.  I gave } him the usual polite crap about how I was deep in thought about his } problem and then quoted my fee.  His eyes opened wide and his mouth } closed like a trap.  You could tell by the color of his face that I } had shot a little high.  I told him that since he was one of my best } customers, I would chop 30% off the top.  He must have been hurting } bad since he coughed up the dough right there.  After slapping his } back a few times, he left. } } All that day, two thoughts kept going through my head: large checks and } expensive prostitutes.  Somewhere, there was this company that had } plenty of both, and I needed some.  I flipped open the yellow pages. } Some day I'm going to have to stop letting that damn dog into my } office.  Yeah, there it was.  CMS stood for Corporate Murder Services. } Now I understood how their whine removers worked.  I called them up } and ordered a plane ticket to Kansas City.  They sent me } back a contract to fill out.  I got a roach to cosine for me. } } When I got on the plane, I saw a sight that few people should ever } see.  200 identical prostitutes in red nightgowns were on the plane. } Something was definitely up.  I got real close to one of them and } started to make friendly.  She gave this look that could freeze the } gonads off of a horse, but I'm a professional.  Eventually, I got her } to sing, but I had to break both of her legs.  She told me about a } secret Australian organization in Kansas City.  These Aussies were } originally from Spare New Old New London, but they were kicked out. } At that point she passed out from the pain, the wimp, and I didn't get } anything else out of her.  I didn't get to talk to anyone else, } because some gorilla in a stewardess outfit tossed me out of the } plane.  The bad part was that we were 30,000 feet in the air. } } On the way down, I had plenty of time for thought.  Aussies... } prostitutes... Kansas City... large checks... Spare New Old New } London... octagonal whine removers...  of course!  It was so obvious } that I punched myself for not seeing it before.  There was only one } possible explanation, only one reason that made any sense.  I started } to make a plan.  Only one detail was missing, but it took me a second } to remember what it was.  Yeah, the ground.  I was about to have a } real personal experience with some beautiful Kansas countryside.  No } prob.  I whipped out my best fountain pen and took off my jacket. } Then I... } } STAY TUNED FOR NEXT WEEK WHEN WE WILL CONTINUE THE EXCITING ADVENTURES } OF INTERNET IGGY!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I ripped the rearsubframe out of a morning, would my car nice me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It will if it's newer than 1986, otherwise only if it's a Mercedes. In } either case, the warranty on the morning would be void.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is my cat really as dumb as he looks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bring the cat over here, and let me look.  <scritch, scritch>  Let me } see ... blue polka-dotted orange fur ... big pompom on end of tail ... } three-foot-long floppy ears ... large red-and-green striped top hat, } curving to the left.  Hmm.  Open your mouth, kitty, and say <mrawr>. } Very good.  Now breathe deeply.  OK, now scratch under your chin.  Very } good. } } What we have here is not, properly speaking, a "cat".  It is a drawing } of a "Stambling Slern" by Dr. Seuss, which has been brought to } three-dimensionality and life by necromantic rituals performed in the } kindergarden of the Vanna White Memorial School.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh massively great and male Oracle, whose knowledge is vaster than all > those who dwell in Florida, whose omniscience wafts delightful scents > to Sears, please grant me this morsel of your wisdom.  Which is worse, > the unholy revenge of Smokey the Bear's ghost or the scatterbrained > wrath of the People Who Used To Have Malaria?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Fade in.  A boxing ring.  In the center, standing a short but } powerfully-built man in black pants and a striped shirt.  He is the } Referee.  The sounds of a large and unruly crowd are continuous, though } no one can be seen in the dark seats of the arena.] } } Bell: DING! DING! } } Referee: LAAAAAADIES ANNNND GENNNNNTLEMEN!  Tonight's feature fight is } between...  In this corner, in the ranger hat, Smokey the Bear's Ghost! }  He weighed in at 513 pounds, just before he checked out.  [Cheers] } And in this corner, collectively weighing in at fourteen thousand nine } hundred and seventy-six pounds, The People Who Used to Have Malaria!! } [Cheers again... would you like a drink yourself?]  This fight will be } twelve rounds, scored by our panel of celebrity judges. } } [Spotlight swings around to reveal Jerry Lewis, Roger Rabbit, J. Edgar } Hoover, and Otto Messerschmidt.  Cheers.] } } Referee: Fighters return to your corners, and come out fighting at the } bell. } } Bell: Ding! } } Referee: No, NO, NO!  Wait 'til I get outta the- OOF! ARGH! } } Smokey: STOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP  ROOOOOOOAR! } } PwuthM: YABOO! } } Bell: Ding? } } [Cheers.] } } You owe the Oracle a round of drinks.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh splendiferous and noble Oracle most well-hung, whose Donvysh I am > not capable to paddle, greater than the gods themselves, cuter than the > ants themselves, answer my wholesome query.  Does Jacques Cousteau have > a famous lover?  (How more wholesome can you get?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ======================================================================== }                             COONFIDENTIAL } ======================================================================== } } Oracle Files: Eyes Only } } IOW: Dossier 65423-G3 } } Subject: Cousteau, Jacques } Inquiry: Oracle Clearance    /APPROVED/ } } Text Follows: } [Please Destroy This Document After Reading] } } Cousteau, Jacques } } Aliases: } } Wet Frenchie } Wet Rider } Deep Breather } Dolphin Sucker } [others not cleared for transmission] } } Jacques Cousteau, the "terror of the deep" is known for his wrinkled, } fatherly face, penchant for fresh seafood, and collection of rubber } outerwear.  Only recently has it come to the attention of Interpol } and other international security agencies that this man is not the } simple, kindly naturalist that he pretends to be on public television. } In fact, sources divulge that this individual is known to have a } passion for overtly sexual activities with all forms [stress: ALL] of } marine life, including vegetation. } } National Security Agency operatives have filmed the Aquatic Cassanova } in compromising situations with the following [partial list follows:] } }    *   Sea mammals, including dolphins and one killer whale }    *   Sting rays }    *   Antarctic penguins and 3 walruses }    *   Mako shark } }    *   Numerous varieties of sea turtle }    *   Anenomes }    *   Starfish (color video shows the entire body surface covered with }                   an estimated 380 starfish) }    *   Sea Urchins }    *   Sea cucumbers }    *   Sea horses }    *   Hydra }    *   Octopus and squid (mixed) }    *   Bathing (unclothed) in a vat containing estimated 3 x 10(20) }          plankton } } Generally, activity occurs outside geopolitical boundaries, and is } therefore not considered in violation of regional laws.  (Laws against } Nature is another story, however) } } ************************************************************************ } ************************************************************************ } END TEXT::: } } The Oracle advises all sea creatures to be on the lookout for this } Gallic masher, and to report any activities to the authorities. } } You owe the Oracle a kettle of fish.