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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    What are these flying saucers doing in my office circling my head? > They are quite a nuisance and people are beginning to look at me funny. > Why do they land on my carpet, leaving exhaust burns, then little > people looking like Guy Kibby, only no more than an inch tall, get out > and kick me in the ankle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} these saucers are an illusion of your mind manifested by your } subconcious desire to possess your mothers china set. you associate the } saucers with the underlying desires you had as a child while your } mother was setting the table. as she would set the table you stare } longingly at her china desiring to relieve your fetish for plates. } later at night, when all were asleep, you would sneek downstairs and } lay and roll in her china. finally, one day your uncle, who has a } remarkable resemblance to guy kibby, caught you in the act, and to get } your attention while you were preoccupied,he kicked you in the ankle. } he never told yourfamily, to your relief,but he still demands to eat } off of paper plates when ever he is over. this is the professional } explanation for your delusions. i know that you are denying all this } right now, but take note of your actions at the next meal and see if } you are not handling your plate a little more than others around you. } yes, it really happened!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh great and spiffy oracle, >       who is spiffier than the great spiff himself, > >       What and why, and indeed who?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just a second, you caught me unspiffed... } } There, that's better. } } Here, this will explain what, how, and indeed who, for whoever, or } whatever, or whyever. (But, you should still be glad that I'm not YOUR } Dad.) } } ODE TO THE AMOEBA   by Arthur Guiterman } } Recall from Time's abysmal chasm } That piece of primal protoplasm } The First Amoeba, strangely splendid, } From whom we're all of us descended. } That First Amoeba, weirdly clever, } Exists today and shall forever, } Because he reproduced by fission; } He split himself, and each division } And subdivision deemed it fitting } To keep on splitting, splitting, splitting; } So, whatsoe'er their billions be, } All, all amoebas still are he. } Zoologists discern his features } In every sort of breathing creatures, } Since all of every living species, } No matter how their breed increases } Or how their ranks have been recuited, } From him alone were evoluted. } King Solomom, the Queen of Sheba } And Hoover sprang from that amoeba; } Columbus, Shakespeare, Darwin, Shelly } Derived from that same bit of jelly. } So famed he is and well-connected, } His statue ought to be erected, } For you and I and William Beebe } Are undeniably amoebae!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                             This Question >                             Intentionally >                              Left Blank

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My first inclination was to chastise and punish you for not preceding } your question with opulent entreating.  Then I realized that in order } for you to have asked such a 'question', you must have at one time read } an IBM manual.  This is far worse than any punishment I could dole out. } } As anyone who has had the torture of reading an IBM manual knows, they } leave pages blank for spacing chapters, and there is always information } on the opposite side of the leaf of the blank page.  I couldn't find } the opposite side of the leaf in your question.  I tried looking at the } other side of my monitor, but that looks like: } } MITSUBISHI San Dimas CA 98765 } Model: 007V } Serial No.: } Rating: 120V^60Hz 1A,6.02E23W } Certified to comply with the limits of a Class B computing device } pursuant to Subpart J of Part 15 of Chapter 12 Subsection G paragraph } 12 Subparagraph D verse 55 of FCC Rules.  See instructions if } interference to radio reception is suspected in the USA, if question } reception interference is suspected in Delphi, or if prayer reception } interference occurs in Valhalla. } FCC ID: GKR7HMH3.14159       SA        UL } Made in Mexico } For repairs call 1-213-976-2HOT, ask for "Thumper". } } That doesn't look much like a question, either.   Hmmmmmm....., guess } I'll just have to wing it..... } } This answer } intentionally } left justified. } } Nahhh... that's pretty lame.  If computers could reproduce Hebraic } characters, I could do something like "This answer intentionally West } Bank." } } Noooooo.... that's just plain dumb.  "This answer intentionally left } handed."  Ummmmm.... "This answer intentionally left back."  Hmmm.... } "This answer intentionally left right."  "This answer intentionally } left out."  No, no, no, no.... } } I know.... This was inspired by an IBM manual.  Maybe it can be } answered by an IBM computer.  This would be a perfect opportunity to } use the new Olympus 7700 vectorizing supercomputer, installed just last } week. } } CALL, DISPLAY, MODIFY: } C O77 } Connected to Olympus 7700 } ENTER TERMINAL TYPE: } vt100 } } Welcome to the Beta-test version of the Olympus 7700 supercomputer. } USERID: Oracle } PASSWORD: xxxxxx } } FILES:   NO RDR,   NO PRT,   NO PUN } LOGON AT 15:28:30 GWT TUESDAY 06/04/91 } VM/XA CMS 5.8 OS77 2/12/91 10:45 } DMSACP723I D (192) R/O } Ready; T=0.00/0.002 15:28:49 } oanswer } RUNNING... } Oracle AI Automatic Answer System   --  Version 0.015 } Please enter question: } ////This question/intentionally/left blank./ } RUNNING... } Divide by zero... PSW 00140004 }  at entry PARSE_SELECT } awaiting IPL }   <Oh shit...> } IPL CMS } LOGON AT 15:30:58 GWT TUESDAY 06/04/91 } VM/XA CMS 5.8 OS77 2/12/91 10:45 } DMSACP723I D (193) R/O } Ready; T=0.002/0.010 15:31:12 } oan } MSG FROM OPERATOR: Please logoff.  Bringing system down in 1 minute due }   to circuit burnout in vector processor. }   <crap> } log } CONNECT= 00:04:02 VIRTCPU= 000:14.92 TOTCPU= 000:17.81 } LOGOFF AT 15:31:53 EDT TUESDAY 06/04/91 } } Well... looks like that question fried the vector processor.  Sorry to } have to do this, but my official reply must be: } } This question } unintentionally } left unanswered. } } You owe the Oracle a reasonably priced service contract with IBM.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle--great and mighty > I must call on your help for a time > a have this small problem, you see: > It involves my tendency to rhyme. > > Now rhyming alone 'aint so bad > it can even make some people glad >   but once I've begun >   people leave at a run > and make me feel quite sad! > > You see?  I can't even settle > on the type of rhyme I write > Limerick once, Vilanelle the next > Yes, mine is a terrible plight! > > A pitiful person I am > surely the worlds worst poet > Oh!  This horrible addicti-an > It even makes me >   sometimes slip into free >     verse!  Oh >      mY gOd iT's HAPpEnING!#@$% e.e. cummings >      lives!!!%@#%%$^#$%%#$^#$%^^ > > Oh Oracle, please be a guide > help me remove this terrible curse > if you fail, it is suicide > and a ride in the back of a hearse!!! > > The Pathetic Poet

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ever wonder what makes you rhyme? } To speak with meter and talk in time? } Well, HEY! Life is like an analogy, } Not quite what you are but what you see. } } In any case you plight is clear } Your heart does burn you soul does sear. } To speak with words that seem to fit } and lose your mind to that bottomless pit. } } The solution is simple to the Oracle, you twit. } Speak the word that just won't fit! } } Orange is the word to speak you fool, } Becareful just don't drool. }    For if you did, }    I think I'd bid. } That your totally uncool. } } Okay that is it } All my words, all my wit. } } You owe the Oracle a baseball mitt.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You have been selected to win one of following: >      -- $1,000,000,000 cash >      -- a 1992 Cadillac Seville >      -- $1000 cash >      -- 52" Vinatron Color TV >      -- $500 cash >      -- an HP48SX with 512K RAM card >      -- $250 cash >      -- $100 cash >      -- a new toaster >      -- $1 cash > No purchase is necessary.  Just send a tax deductable donation to: >   Oracle Kids >   PO BOX 23786 >   Atalnta, GA  30333

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Ah yes, another of these 'you may already be a winner' schemes. } Of course, I HAVE been selected to win one of their fabulous prizes, } so why not. } }     Dear Oracle kids, }       Since you didn't say what kind of donation you wanted, I am }     sending along a check for $10.  Please send me my prize }     immediately. } } [Two weeks pass] } }     This   MR. ORACEL   , is your lucky day!  By sending along your }     donation     MR. ORACEL   , you have won a brand new shiny 1992 }     Olsen toaster, the CADILLAC SEVILLE of toasters.  What's more }     MR. ORACEL    , you are now eligible for our GRAND PRIZE drawing, }     in which you are guaranteed to win one of the following: } }        -- $1,000,000,000 cash }        -- a 1992 Cadillac Seville }        -- $1000 cash }        -- 52" Vinatron Color TV }        -- a new toaster } }      MR. ORACEL    don't pass up your chance, just send a one time }      processing fee of $50.00 to: } }      Oracle Kids }      PO BOX 23786 }      Atlanta, GA  30333 } } Wow, I won.  Granted, I don't like toast, but what the heck, a free } toaster is a free toaster.  And I made the finals list.  Gosh, I have } a chance to win a billion dollars too!  I had better send them off a } check at once. } } [two weeks later] } }       If your name is    MR. ORACEL  and you live in   BLOOMINGTON, }       INDIANA  You have won one of our grand prizes, and are in the }       final drawing.  Enclosed you will find a brand new Olsen toaster, }       the VINATRON COLOR TV of toasters.  What's more, you have a }       chance at our ultimate grand prize drawing in which you could }       win: } }        -- $1,000,000,000 cash }        -- a new toaster } }        All you have to do is send us a check for $100 for the 'special }        drawing fee' and you will be entered in our ULTIMATE GRAND PRIZE }        DRAWING.  So don't delay    MR. ORACEL    of    BLOOMINGTON, }        INDIANA    .  Enter today and win!!!!!!!! } } Great!  Another toaster.  This is really good, seeing as how the first } one broke down when I plugged it in.  I mean it was my fault, I didn't } see the 'not to be used in conjunction with bread' warning tag.  Well } here goes my check. } } [two weeks later] } }          Atlanta (UPI)  Federal charges have been brought against }     the Olsen toaster company of Atlanta, Georgia today in conjunction }     with an alleged contest scam.  The company sent out thousands of }     mailers promising prizes to people who would send in donations to }     a local charity, Oracle Kids.  Oracle Kids, an actual charity }     located in Indiana was completely unaware of the scheme. }          The toaster manufacturers would send a prize, a worthless }     toaster, to all the contestants who replied to their offer.  To }     this group, they would send another 'prize certificate' and another }     plea for money.  To the people that responded to this announcement, }     the company sent another toaster and an offer at the 'Ultimate }     Grand Prize.'  Police would have never discovered the scheme, }     except for the fact that only one person entered the final drawing, }     and due to a computer quirk, actually won the grand prize of one }     billion dollars.  When the check failed to clear the bank,  the }     'winner,' a Mr. Oracel of Bloomington, Indiana notified the }     authorities. }           Officials say that because Oracel entered the contest in }     good faith, he will be awarded the grand prize, which will be }     generated by liquidating the assets of the Olsen toaster company, }     and all those persons who were involved in the scam, including }     those individuals responsible for sending out the original contest }     forms.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  wishful thinker, O wise one, o'o > > WHY IS A BIRD IN HAND LIKE A QUAYLE BETTER THAN TWO IN THE BUSH?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This reverts back to the original story of the graden of Eden. The } Bible's version is a big screwed up (i know, I was there...) So let me } set your mind streight..... } } "And on the seventh day he created the shopping mall." } "And on the eighth day he created the bush" } "And on the nint*" } "Hang on a sec, God," I said, "this creating stuff Is getting a biit } much... I suggest you limit it to some number... umm.. lets say... ummm } <counting toes> seven." } "Well, gee Oracle... I dunno... I'm really into this creatiing stuff." } "Looks like youre gonna haveta chop a bit off, tho.. Lump the Bush in } with 'Trees' and forget about the mall.. such a bad idea." I suggested. } "Okay fine, but what'll I do on the seventh day?" } "Dont look at me... I'd just take a nap" } "Oh what a good idea," said God, "I'll do that now." } "Don't forget to do something about the bush first!" } "Oh ya, right... (yawn) but I'm so tired.... well okay... <brings up a } dos shell-cloud> } [NOTE: See how *OLD* dos is? God really hated it, so on the } 1,034,532,743rd day He created Steve Jobs, who made the mac and NeXT } --God uses a NeXT now.] After mussing about in dos for a bit, and } tearing out his beard a bit, he fell asleap. But God didn't do a very } good job at dos (who can blame Him?), and totally screwed up the last } little while... he copied BUSH.THG (THG=thing) overtop of QUAIL.BRD } (BRD=bird... no, really??!) and the two merged, and that saying } (started by the G-man Himself..) has been passed down from generation } to generation. } } This took me a while to answer, so it's a rather large bill. You owe } the oracle the following items: } * Copy of "Complete manual for DOS users" } * The 10 u-haul's to carry it in. } * Copy of "The Handbook of Political Answers to Political Questions" } * Three more toes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the correlation between solar sunspot activity and volcanoes > errupting? What can I do to stop them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can stop them by summoning the Super Friends.  They can do } anything! } } When criminals in this world appear and break the laws that they should } fear, and frighten all who see or hear the cry goes up from far and } near for } } UNDERDOG! Underdog! UNDERDOG! } } Speed of Lightning!   Roar of Thunder! } Fighting all who Rob or Plunder! } Underdog, UNDERDOG! } } Underdog is shown on channel 24, a paid-for-by-Christians station in } St. Louis. My favorite part is the commercial they ALWAYS show right in } the middle of it. It goes like this: } } They play the Ta, ta-da-da-da-DA, tuh, tu,tuh, of the Superfriends and } a voice-over comes in saying: } } "There is a more powerful force for good in your life than Superman, } Batman, Aquaman, and Wonder Woman COMBINED.  That force is God, Jesus } Christ, and he can help you through your times of need." } } It always gets me because if the announcer didn't say COMBINED, all the } kiddies would think, yeah, well maybe God can beat up any one of them, } but if they all work together, if they all co-operate just like on } Sesame street, then the Superfriends could take out God!  Yeah, we } can see it now!  Superman is duking it out with Jesus, and losing } because Jesus is God, after all, but then Batman catches Jesus in the } back of the head with a Batarang, Aquaman commands the octopi, and } Wonder Woman gets her Magic Lasso of Truth on him, and it's all over } for God! } } WW:  "It's a good thing we stopped his plot, Superman, or else he might } have taken over the world!" } } Superman:  "Yes, and we couldn't have done it without TEAMWORK.  It was } your brilliant plan, Batman, for you, Aquaman, and I to dress up like } the Three Wise men and arrive at this hut, on the anniversary of his } birth, where we knew his greed for Frankincense and Myrrh would take } him out of hiding." } } Batman:  "Thanks, Superman.  All in a day's work for the Superfriends! } Now we have some Questions to ask him..." } } WW: "And now he has to give truthful answers, because he's under the } influence of my Lasso of Truth!" } } Batman:  "Great.  So, tell us, God, can you make a rock so heavy that } not even you can lift it?" } } Jesus: "No!  No, I'll never..  Oh no, I cannot resist, I have to tell } the truth, If I made a rock so big that I couldn't lift it, then I } would be the rock, which would be everywhere, and there wouldn't be } anyplace to move it, so the concept of lifting it wouldn't exist, no, } please, no more!" } } Batman (cracking his knuckles): "Oh, we've got plently more questions } for you..."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh gracious and extremely thrilling and resiny Oracle, who has > corrected us with his holiness, wiser than a whole bunch of dogs, cuter > than a whole bunch of bloodhounds, without whom reality would be > meaningless, answer my receptive question.  I just woke up here in > Egypt wearing only sea green thigh pads. What happened?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sea-green thigh pads?  Sounds like Loki's work. } Hmm, Egypt's a little far from his usual stomping grounds, } though.  Hang on a sec... } } (Now, where did I put that phone book?  Ah.  OW!  Gotta get } this place cleaned up sometime.  L... L... Lazarus... Loki. Mm-hm.) } } <BEEP BIP BOOP BIP BOOP BEEP BOOP> } } <Hi.  This is Loki.  I'm on vacation right now, picking up one serious } tan in the Nile Valley and enjoying the floods.  Leave a message at the } sound of the Gjallarhorn, and I might get back to you.  But don't count } on it; I'm generally pretty irresponsible about that kind of thing.> } } <Ta - RAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!> } } Hey, Loke, it's Ory.  Just checking up for one of my supplicants. } You know how they are.  Anyhow, hope you're having a good time.  Say hi } to Set for me, and I hope you'll have pix to bore me with when you get } back. } } <click> } } Well, there it is.  Loki was having a bit of fun on his vacation, } that's all.  Nothing to worry about unless you're allergic to } mistletoe or something.  Enjoy the pyramids. } } You owe the Oracle a Rolodex.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh massively foinging and Scandinavian Oracle, who has wisdomified us > with his knowledge, do tell me this. >   Why did my ant infiltrate the FBI?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, ah say, well boy, the psy-chology of an ant is a most muddled } thing, a perplexer of the perceptive, if you follow what ah'm sayin' } } Now an ant, what it wants to do is stay, ah say stay in shadows.  So } the last thing your ant would want to do is join th' army.  Then, you } see then it would be a Gee Eye ant.  Not exactly un-ob-strew-sive, if } you catch mah meanin'.  Hawh.  That's GIant, son.  Hawh.  That's a } _joke_ son!  Get it? Giant?  (Nice boy but he's about as bright as } soot...) } } Now I don't happen to personally ac-quainted with the particular, ah } say, specific ant in question, -now _pay_attention_ boy!- but ah think } it's *fzzt* } } We interrupt this impression to bring you the answer to your question. } } *fzzt* } } Ants, as you no doubt know, have a variety of ways of figuring out } where to go next.  Quite often, the best place to go is where another } ant has found food.  So when one ant finds some food, it'll leave } a chemical trail back to where it found it.  Any other ants that come } along will follow the trail.  The FBI works with a lot of strange } chemicals. It shouldn't surprise you that at one point, Lieutenant } Drapofpski was taking some Ant-Found-Food-Trail-Serum back to base in a } leaky bottle and *fzzt* } } How, ah say, how can you expect to hear anything ah'm sayin' if you go } listening to that Oracle, boy?  Now your ant was about three bits short } of a longword, if you catch my drift.  Not to swift in the head.  And } somewhere along the line it had got the notion into its min-i-skewl } head that the ah in FBI stood for insect-negation.  Well, it wasn't } going to stand, ah say stand for letting such go on in its town.  So it } said goodbye *fzzt* } } We now return you to your regularly scheduled answer, already in } progress } } *fzzt* } } A "burro" is an ass.  A "burrow" is a hole in the ground.  You are } expected to know the difference.  What do you mean that wasn't your } question?  Aren't you Lt. Melvin Drapofpski?  Well, who the hell _are_ } you then?  I don't *fzzt* } } This is a test of the emergency answer system.  Do not adjust your set. } Lie down on the floor and remain calm.  Oops.  Simon didn't say! } *fzzt* } rePatentlyFalsePeriodStopIfAnyInsectsHadManagedToWorkTheirWayIntoTheDARP } ANETThroughFBIComputersWeWouldHaveLongSinceDiscoveredInterferenceComingU } pOnTheNetAndNegatedItWithOurSophisticatedDebuggersPeriodStopThisJustInCo } lonTheOwlsAreNo*fzzt* } } Your ant wanted to confirm the rumors that FBI agents eat a lot of pie. } Since ants are partial to pie, your ant figured that there would be } some mighty good pickings if it could only make its way past the } admittedly secure *fzzt* } } Listen, ah say, listen son.  Y'all can't expect me to answer your query } if you allow your self to get snatched, ah say, spirited away every } time *fzzt* } } result, your ant spent many happy hours in the company of the agents. } It didn't think of its activities so much as infiltrating as } socializing. } } You owe the Oracle better sound effects.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Sublime and non-pusilanimous Oracle, >       Please answer your lowly supplicants >       query, and enlighten my small and solitary >       mind, > >       I missed the health education classes >       at school. So tell me, dear Oracle, >       where do workstations come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Er, well, see, uhm, sometimes when two computers want to uhm, you } see... Sometimes when two machines really love each other, they'll } arrange... Okay, there's this thing called networking, and it, well, } uhm... And then the technician comes along, but instead of gathering } pollen... (Gulp) and so you've got these two machines, and this } ethernet cable, so... } } Oh, it's all too sordid.  Go ask your mother.