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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh splendiferous and salvageable Oracle, she who whines all, I abase > myself before your jovial altar.  How come you think that anyone who > would drink milk with snails doesn't have enough brains to eat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle listens, my child, and has deigned to give you your answer.. } } but first, a few short messages... } }         Hahhh-hahhh.  Hi!  I'm Peewee Herman on behalf of National } Unknown Mentally Borderline Slightly Kracked Ugly Losers, Ltd.  Maybe } you know someone who is losing wieght rapidly, or who has difficulty } raising a fork to the correct orifice, or who simply couldn't outhink a } paranoid boll weevil with Alzheimer's.  We..er, uh, "they" need your } help now.  Please dig down deep and give, so that they can dig in. }                                 Thank you. La-lalala! } }         "Oh, dear. Beaver!! Drop those snails and come in the house } this minute!" }         "Gee, Oracle. What's wrong?" said the Beav, furrowing his brow } in concern.  "It's not like like they was dirty or nothin'.  I cleaned } 'em with milk like those Paris guys Lumpy was telling me about." }         "What in the world does Paris have to do with snails?" }         "Well, Lumpy was tellin' me that over there, they got these } Paris guys, and they take snails and swish 'em around in milk and other } stuff.  Then they boil 'em with spices and eat 'em." }         "Oh, Beaver!  Stop that, you're making me ill!  Now march right } on up to your room and don't come down until you've decided to stop } these childish games." } } Perhaps enough has been said. } } You owe the oracle a plate of escargot and an American Airlines barf } bag.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I asking this bloody stupid question ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Post-hypnotic suggestion.  Remember that peculiar man you met at that } party last weekend, the one with the long, black cloak and the } remarkable eyes? Remember how the two of you had that long talk on the } back porch, after you insisted that hypnotism was all nonsense? } Remember how he gave you three hypnotic commands?  The first was } triggered this morning; do you realize you came to work today wearing } no underwear?  The second required you to ask the Oracle "Why am I } asking this bloody stupid question?"  The third is still awaiting the } proper trigger, but believe you me, it's a doozy! } } When you hear the beep, you will delete and expunge this message, and } forget this explanation entirely. } ^G } } Maybe you were just bored? } } You owe the Oracle a copy of tomorrow's local newspaper.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Bored.  Bored.  Bored.  Is there anything interesting to do in the > world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle knows what you mean.  You get so bored that you have the } chutspa to send a question to the Oracle without bothering to grovel } *at all*! } } But not to worry.  The Oracle is feeling magnanimous today, and He'll } be glad to answer your question: in truth, there is nothing interesting } to do in the world.  Well, there is.  But not for you.  Clearly there } is only one thing to do: send you to another world!  Tell our lucky } supplicant what he's one, Don! } } <Don Pardo voice ON> } Congradulations!  You've won an all-expenses-paid trip to the alternate } reality of our choice!  Yes, that's right -- you'll be dodging weird } natives, subtley altered customs, and wondering which weirdnesses are } due to diverging time lines, and which are due to just plain weirdness. } } But wait -- there's more!  Not only do you get a free trip to a } divergent reality, you get a mystery as well!  You can't return to your } original reality until you guess the point of divergence (to the } nearest second will due), and appease the Oracle. } } <Normal Oracle voice ON> } Well, enjoy!  The Oracle trusts you won't be bored any more.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello! > > Can you please help me? > > I am located in Buenos Fwiggies, Palamalalala, and it is very difficult > to locate a company in the United States. > > The company I am looking for is something like "Facking...   " > something. They are located in California. The product them sell (in > which I am interested in) is "The Money Machine". It is a voice mail > system, based on a board inside a PC.  Which is why it is called "The > Money Machine," because it is for to make them much of money of the > selling of it. > > I will appreciate your help, but not very much > > Regards, > > Manuel Mgklvsuoiey

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mr. Mgklvsuoiey, } } Thank you for your interest in the newest product from Facking } Something, Incorporated, "The Money Machine."  Your inquiry was passed } along to us by our mutual friend, Mr. The Oracle.  We are sure that the } enclosed information will lead you to the conclusion that "The Money } Machine" is the product for thriving, growing companies like yours! } } We hope to receive your check soon. } } For your convenience, this letter has been translated into your quaint } native language, Palamalalalalalan, by our highly-qualified staff } translator. } *** } } Thanking of you for to be being with interest in Facking Something The } Money Machine thing.  The Oracle being of to us giving letter of you. } Buy-it-papers of us to you given; you will of it liking much sure } thing! } } Money of you to us much. } *** } } P.S.  The Oracle having of you five handsful naked slave girls.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh mighty oracle, please tell me, > why is my comp tutor such a bloody wimp?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was a dark and stormy night. The flickering of computer terminals } lit the night intermittently like flashes of lightning. Amid an array } of hard drives, printouts, and takeout Chinese food containers sat the } hacker. } } "Flash! Flash, I love you! But we only have 14 hours to save the } Earth!!" } } Flash patted the black box, a fiber optic link connecting him from MIT } to Wanda in New Zealand. } } "I got it baby!" he typed. "Full access, full authority! Right now } I've got the entire system in the palm of my hand!" Flash had plenty } of time to stop the nuclear countdown, change into his mild-mannered } disguise, and go tutor some idiot in computers. } } BAM BAM BAM!! "Open up in there, this is the FBI!" } } Uh-oh. Flash stood and hefted his portable, but there was nowhere to } hide. He was on the 5th floor, a long jump down. Thinking quickly, he } hid inside the refigerator. } } CRASH!! Men came streaming into the room. One sat down at the terminal } and typed, looking for clues. On the terminal, Flash had left the AI } program "ELIZA" running: } }      GIVE ME A LIST OF ALL PROGRAMS RUN } }      Is it because of your plans that you say give you a list of all }      programs run? } }      THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. JUST TELL ME WHERE THE KID WENT. } }      Maybe your life have something to do with this. } }      ARE YOU THREATENING ME? } }      What makes you believe are me threatening you? } }      YOU DON'T SCARE ME. I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU. } }      This is not a healthy way of thinking. } } Sensing an immediate threat, the man pulled out his gun and fired } several times into the monitor, causing an enormously loud implosion. } Believing there was cross fire, all the FBI agents started shooting } everywhere, and everything, including each other. } } This is what is known as terminal stupidity. } } Fortunately, refigerators are bulletproof. Dialed up over a cellular } phone, Flash completed his infiltration and stopped the virus. He } slurped a six-pack of Coke that was convenient, and left the mess for } the CP's to clean up. He had an appointment at Mary's. } } The Oracle wants to know why its archaeology professor Jones is such a } wimp.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hmm, if you're all-knowing, you know what question I'm going to ask > long before I ask it. With such knowledge, you can time the answers to > arrive the second after I've sent the questions. Why, therefore, must I > wait hours for an answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Listen, bub.  There ain't no question as to whether or not I'm } all-knowing.  I am, got it?  For instance, I know that you harbor } ill-will toward your old high school english teacher because she read } one of your papers aloud in class and announced its grade, "D-."  But } you've also awakened in a pool of sweat after dreams in which you and } she were committing unnatural acts involving vegetables and fruit -- a } secret you've never told anyone, which is now in print for everyone to } read. } } So, now that the cat's out of the bag, Smartypants, on to your } question.  You are correct on all your assumptions.  I know your } questions before you even ask them.  In fact, I know your questions } before you even think them.  I know your questions before you have any } idea that you do indeed have questions.  I know everything.  It's what } I do. } } Not only am I omniscient, I'm omnipresent -- everywhere at once, and } sitting in your lap even as you read this (kiss, kiss!) -- and } omnipotent, my personal favorite of the "omnis." } } So here's the deal.  I could indeed send you the answer to your } question the second after you ask it.  I could even send you the answer } the day BEFORE you ask it.  I could've sent the answer to your question } before you were even born.  But if I did that, I wouldn't have the } opportunity to deride you in a public forum read by your peers.  And } where's the fun in that? } } You're probably expecting some profound answer such as "Humble } supplicant, thou must learn patience.  Patience is virtue in all } things.  Thou must learn patience in order to appreciate the full } significance of being," or some other godly-sounding horsepoop like } that.  But that's not the real reason. } } The real reason is: I write slowly because I know you can't read fast. } } You owe the Oracle a Mickey Mouse sundial.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and great Oracle, tell me this: > Which is the nastier of the two: Ansarian or Ranintia?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it kinda depends upon the time of the month.  For 25 out of every } 28 days, Ansarian is the nastier.  For 3 days, Ranintia is.  (You } figure out the reason.) } } You owe the Oracle a cure for bloating.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Also --- as a follow-on to the last question, sort of, if I feed the > timber wolf a bar of soap, will he (Jim, not the wolf) stop seducing > everyone I know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It depends on the type of soap you feed it.  If you use Ivory, he will } seduce all while floating on water.  If it's Zest, his seduction will } lack that annoying filmy quality.  If Caress, the seduction will occur } before dressing, and a bar of Tone will leave a soft, slimy feeling on } the seductee's skin. Only a bar of Lava  will stop the problem. } } You owe the Oracle a family-pack of Dial.  I wish everybody did.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oaracle, whose knowledge transcends time and space, answer me this > question and remove my burden. > > Why is almost every publication put out in any given month, labeled > with as a month two or three months into the future ?  Is this the > secret of time-travel finally unraveled ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, it's just a parade of time and life.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo. > > Lissen, Orcle, I gotta know sumpin. 'zit true dat gittin hit > in da head, ya know, kills off you brain? Lookit Ali, for > chrissakes. Or was it das diffy q's? Was he doin' dem? Maybe > graph t'eory. Dat could be it, but poycenally, I tink he sim'lated > a Turin' machine one too many times, knowwhutimean? > > Rcky

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Awright - lissen , an' lissen good.  Ali waz az great az dey get - } knowhutImean? The 'ting is is dat nobody ever knew how much of a math } guy Ali wuz.  Dat guy could give yous a formula for a X-Dimenshunal } space in between rounds wif Joe Foreman.  'Ting was is dat Ali never } found no money in postulatin' math and stuck wid boxin'.  It wuz only } aftah he stopped fightin dat he tried to teach multi-variable-calc, but } he wuz overrun by a bunch of weenie grad students who pestuhed him for } auteographs and such and he eventually gave up hiz TA job at Berkeley - } much to da chagrin of the depatment.  So it wuz more of a combination } of da two - but both have been provin' to be jus az damagin to a guys } sensitive cranium. } } Rcky you owe de Oracle dat lucky horshoe you been keepin in your glove.