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} First of all, you have to consider the natural affinity of cats to feet
} (affinity... afelinity? afootiny?) behold: cat -> cOat -> coOt -> Foot.
} But seeing as how your cat doesn't understand english, let alone silly
} word games, chances are that isn't the reason. Let's turn to our
} resident expert in deviant cat behavior, Dr. Sigmund Snowdrop, on his
} daytime show, Cat Counsel...
}
} Jingle Singers : If you have a crazy cat,
} That don't know just where it's at,
} If your kitty's sort of dense,
} Morose, twitchy, kinda tense,
} If it tries to eat your mop,
} It's a job for Doc Snowdrop!
} Dr. Snowdrop : Hello, I'm Doctor Snowdrop, and I'd like to welcome
} you all to the show. Today we'll be discussing cats.
} JingleSinger #1 : But you always talk about cats. Always!
} JingleSinger #2 : Couldn't we talk about the sexual mores of budding
} muscians who sell out to become members of some stupid
} chorus whose only purpose for existence was to let
} people know the point of the show like they couldn't
} just look it up in their local cable guide?
} Dr. Snowdrop : JingleSinger #2, you're fired. Now are we ready to
} take the first call? Okay. {Starts to pick up phone.}
} Voiceover : Hello, Dr. Snowdrop. This is the Oracle.
} Dr. Snowdrop : What the [bleep] is this? Where is that voice coming
} from?
} Voiceover : It's a special effect. Look, all your phone
} lines were busy, and I had a question. This was my
} best way to get through?
} Dr. Snowdrop : How the [bleep] do you do that? Mike, how the [bleep]
} is he doing that? Why can't I do that?
} JingleSinger #2 : Because you're a mo-ron!
} Dr. Snowdrop : You're fired! This time I really mean it!
} Ex-JingleSinger : Oops.
} Voiceover : You think this is impressive, hang on. I'll ask my
} question while drinking a glass of water.
} Ex-JingleSinger : Roll me over in the clover roll me over lay me
} down...
} Voiceover : Brurb blubb lubb flurb. Gurblub flub. Fub
} lub.
} JingleSinger #1 : Hey, it's like the mystery of the Glub Blubs all
} over again!
} Dr. Snowdrop : What the [bleep] is going on here? Mike,
} cut this before
}
} And now, a brief word from our sponsors.
} We asked 200 cats which pain reliever they'd rather have if stranded on
} a desert island. Four out of five cats surveyed said they'd rather
} have a boat. Most of the rest asked us to repeat the question. But
} one of the remaining cats said something that sounded a little like
} "Byar" Bayer Aspirin. If cats ask for it by name, shouldn't you?
}
} Dr. Snowdrop : Now that things are a bit more undercontrol, could
} the caller please repeat the question, this time
} without the water?
} Voiceover : I've heard of a cat with a foot fetish. What do you
} suppose could cause the cat to develop such a
} tendency?
} Dr. Snowdrop : It's because cats are stupid.
} Voiceover : No, really.
} Dr. Snowdrop : Also, cats are very snotty and conceited. They
} despise humans. Cats have more feet than humans.
} Thus, the cat no doubt is attracted to feet, as they
} are more of a kittish nature than human. Is the cat
} attracted to human feet?
} Voiceover : Uh, I don't know - I could find out, but...
} Dr. Snowdrop : Anyhow, cats are filthy creatures. It probably likes
} feet because it's hoping to pick up some disgusting
} disease from whatever you've stepped in.
} Voiceover : See here, do you even like cats?
} Dr. Snowdrop : Actually, it's contemplating gnawing through your
} ankles, so that you won't be able to escape, and then
} it will creep closer, closer, with that grin that
} knows you can't drag...
} Voiceover : Does this man have something against cats?
} Ex JingleSinger : Not really. He always acts that way whenever he
} figures someone's pressuring him on the answer. You
} see, he's never seen a cat.
} Voiceover : How come he sets himself up as such a big authority?
} JingleSinger #1 : He went to some Cat Social Workers Vocational School.
} How come you're an Oracle if you've got to go to
} consultants for all the tough questions?
} Voiceover : Er. But how do they teach anything at the school if
} they don't have any cats? How did he graduate if he's
} never seen a cat? How did...
} ExJingleSinger : It's me and my crew and we're here for a screw,
} called Bar...
} JingleSinger #1 : Well, they used a virtual cat.
} Voiceover : I don't think I want to hear about this one...
} Ex JingleSinger : You ain't kidding.
} JingleSinger #1 : No, really, it's just like ELIZA, you know? You sit
} in front of this terminal and type in what you want to
} say to the cat. And the computer answers back just
} like a real cat would. And it can simulate cats with
} all sorts of nervous disorders.
} Voiceover : Maybe this is what I'm looking for. Thanks, and good
} afternoon.
} {static/noise}
} BEGIN GRATUITOUS UNIX INTERACTION HERE
} prompt% man vc
} NAME vc(1)
} vc - version control program
} SYNTAX
} vc [-a] [-t] [-cchar] [-s] [keyword=value... keyword=value]
} DESCRIPTION
} The vc command copies lines fro^C
}
} prompt% man cat
} NAME cat(1)
} cat - concatenate and print data
} SYNTAX
} cat [-b] [-e] [-n] [-s] [-t] [-u] [-v] file...
} DESCRIPTION
} The cat command reads each file in sequence and displays it
} on the standard output. There^C
} prompt% man cat-cam
} NAME
} cat-cam - cat counseling and mentatics
} SYNTAX
} cat-cam -aailment
} DESCRIPTION
} The cat-cam command sets up an interactive shell. Here you will
} be able to interview a virtual cat. If you wish your cat to
} suffer from any one of a standard set of neuroses or psychoses,
} use the -a flag with the appropriate ailment. Use the RANDOM
} ailment to select a random affliction - after your interview, the
} ailment will be revealed, and you can see if you diagnosed corr^C
} prompt% cat-cam -afoot_fetish
} > here kitty kitty
} Segmentation Fault
} (core dumped)
} prompt% rm core
} END GRATUITOUS UNIX INTERACTION HERE
} Just be glad it doesn't have an eyelid fetish. As it is, I would
} guess that your cat has just discovered that feet are just your
} "Friendly pedes pals that're fun to be with," as the ancient Romans
} would have put it. Or not.
}
} You owe the Oracle some kleenex
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