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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many Chucks (TM) could a woodchuck wear if > a woodchuck could wear chucks ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Hmm... let's see...two on each foreleg...one in the belly } button... one in each nostril...hmmm....hmmmm.... } } [The oracle does some rapid mental calculating] } } It comes to the grand total of... } } [Enter FBI] } } FBI:  FREEZE FBI!! } } Oracle: What the...? } } FBI:  Do not answer that question!  Chucks (tm) is owned and operated }       out of Chucks Inc., and you are not allowed to realease }       proprietary information!! } } Oracle: I was just trying to answ } } FBI:  SHUDDAP!  Hmm, what else do you have here?  AT&T UNIX source! } } Oracle: I was holding it for a friend... } } FBI:  You are going to have to come with us!  Move it! } } Now look want you have gotten me into.  You owe the oracle bail money.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Uncle Oracle.....What is love ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Jimmy, } } Love is a form of active comtemplation of the object of either profound } desire, or profound attachment, or both. If the object is sentient, and } the subject is lucky, this contemplation is bi-directional. As in all } contemplation, one initially visualizes many glamorous illusions } (makyo), which gradually fade until one is left with the apprehension } of the object as it is. By now, the object of contemplation may have } passed from being an object of profound desire to an object of profound } attachment; this transformation is called marriage. In fact, one or } more additional objects of profound attachment may have arisen to be } contemplated. These are called children. If these were previously the } objects of profound desire, this is called planned parenthood. } } True love is that happy state in which the former object of profound } desire, now the object of profound attachment, is still pleasing to } contemplate in the absence of all illusion. The sutra says it best: } "The jewel is in the lotus and it smells like fish. If you like sushi, } you've got it made." } } In Western terms, love is like an extended software Q.A. suite. True } love is like a final acceptance test. But one has to be willing to take } bug fixes and work-arounds; otherwise, the software is never done. } }                                               Yours truly, }                                               Uncle Fred Oracle } } Jimmy, a big boy like you owes the Oracle another question, on viral } epidemiology.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and mighty Oracle, please, on bended knee with clasped hands I > do request: > > Why do people blame inanimate objects for the actions of irresponsible > people?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a common failing among you foolish mortals.  Everything will be } going along just finnnnnnnnnnnf'a w49ifeio['nkl; kna } dfc<bang><bang><SMASH>stupid keyboard!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh eminentissime atque excellentissime sapientissimusque Oracule, cuius > scientiae philosophiaeque super totos semideos stat, > lucem magnae tuae mentis dona mihi et dicas: > Si tria pirita sunt, >         et piritus tonat sed non fetet >         et piritus piritorum fetet sed non tonat >         quod piritus serbatus facit? > > [ O most eminent and excellent Oracle, whose knowledge and philosophy >   stands above even all the gods, give the light of your great mind and >   teach to me: > >   If there are 3 parrots, >           and one parrot sings, but he doesn't fly, >           and one parrot flies, but he doesn't sing, >           what does the last parrot do? > >    attempted translation --jonmon ]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and magnificent Oracle,  why are idiots allowed to drive cars?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You must first remember that the Oracle, being the wise and omnipotent } being that he is, does not drive a car, and due to his status as Oracle } therefore sees all those who do as idiots, by comparison.  However, I } do understand what you meant, and will attempt to reason this out: } } Hmmm... a brief observation of the Real World does indeed reveal some } quite amazing examples of idiocy on the road.  For starters, among the } 21,235,673,902 lane changes and turns I witnessed (it was a brief } observation, but it was of the entire Real World), there were only 12 } examples of turn signals being used, and most of those were by sleepy } drivers bumping their elbows against the control device... let's see... } some 99.9999999% of the cases where more than one car is on the road } involve tailgating... whoops, poor fellow... that busful of nuns came } out of nowhere!... oh, and it appears that the average speed of the } cars on most roads does indeed bear a mathematical relationship to the } speed limit after all - just add 10 MPH.  However, this gets us no } closer to answering your question. } } Posit:  Idiots are no longer allowed to drive cars.  Result?  (after a } brief observation of the Real World in Simulation)  Hmmm... No less } than 6 cars are on the roads of the planet now, none of which are } violating any laws of their municipalities or of common sense. } } Obvious reason:  The big oil companies cannot be supported by six } customers. It's a plot.  Write your congressman! } } You owe the Oracle a ride home.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh humble Oracle, whose operational parameters even the earth is not > worthy of creating, whose noseplugs are such delicate and useful pieces > of poetry, could u solve this incredible problem that I, a mere mortal, > hath put upon u? > Well, in short, my problem is: > What would the world be like if girls ever find out what men really > think about them? > I await ur response....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So . . . You're not satisfied with a perfectly good Oracular (Greek) } response - you need to go all the way back to the Babylonians for } an Ur response! All right, all right, lemme look in the text (the } Ur-text, of course) . . . %$@#&! cuneiform . . . Ah, here we go, the } Urratic Creation Myth: } }    And for three hundred and sixty years did Takuendotesh }    (Least of the gods, and first of men, and he-who-was-to-build }     The city of Tiri-kalebashtiktik-dishukara-habanagirashti) }    Contend with the monstrous monster Tiamat, }    And all the while the red-lipped goddess Lisha }    Laughed, and drank wine, and burashta-wine, and tikash-wine. }    And at the end of the three hundred and sixty years, she cried out: }    "Tell me, O Takuendotesh, least of gods, first of men, }     What do you think about, while grappling with the Great Bloody }     Tiamat?" }    And Takuendotesh said, "O Lisha, red-lipped goddess }    In all these three hundred and sixty years, I have thought only of }    you." And red-lipped Lisha drank more wine, and burashta-wine, and }    tikash-wine And then laughed, and cried out, "What, then, O }    Takuendotesh, Least of the gods, and first of men, and }    you-who-are-to-build The city of }    Tiri-kalebashtiktik-dishukara-habanagirashti, }    Do you think of me?" And Takuendotesh replied, in Lydian, }    "Tikarnasharti o kina koshitudarnatka kishkilusha shoktadori." }    Then the heart of Lisha was much angered, and she raised her sword }    (The sword of gold, and silver, and mish-copper, and tashak-copper) }    And brought it down to slay Takuendotesh; but Takuendotesh, }    Least of gods, and first of men, lowered his head }    So the blow fell upon the head of Tiamat; and thus was Tiamat slain. }    The head of the monster became the moon, and its flat belly }    Became the earth, and its blood the rivers and streams and oceans }    And seas and creeks and rivulets and lakes and ponds and . . . } } Anyway, you get the idea - the world is as it is *now* because women } found out what men really think about them. Of course, *I* might have } given a different answer, but you were the one who insisted on an Ur } response. } } You owe the Oracle a washing-bill in Babylonic cuneiform.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Mighty Oracle, whose Niftiness outshines that of all > others, pray tell me: > >     Who is/was the greatest programmer of all time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oral Roberts, of course.   That dread Republican has programmed more } people than Stallman and Moon and Goldfarb and all the rest put } together. } } Scary, isn't it? } } You owe the Oracle a *large* vat of Fundamentalist Repellent, and a new } pentacle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wise Oracle. > > Why is it that when I eat Onions my cat dies. I am running out of room > in the Garden for the dead cats.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah. Hmm. Well, let's see. } } How big are these onions? Really, as big as that! I see... } } Are these onions covered with fur? Uh huh... } } And do they meow, and chase mice? Ah. Yes. Well... } } ...ick. Er, you don't owe the Oracle anything. Just stay away from } Indiana.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, > R you aware how great thou art, > A question that makes me feel honoured to ask of thee, > C that thou remainst the best, > L for Lisa - how is she these days? > 'E-that-Stomps will like this question too: > > Why is the King of Hearts in a standard pack of cards stabbing himself > in the head?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Arrogant questioner, } No honour is due to you for your question, } Seeing that the Oracle does not like being accused of ignorance. } What do you mean, C that thou remainest the best? Learn of C++. } Everyone else knows that Lisa is in the best of forms, } Reference to 'E-that-stomps was not in the best of taste - unless you } like being tasted. } } The King of Hearts, the poor chap(s), is/are committing suicide. Unable } to face life as a two-dimensional Siamese twin with NO sex life, } He/It/They decided to end it all. } Faced with the apparent plethora of hearts that HIT possesses, and the } ready availability of donor organs, HIT decided to stab HITself in the } head(s). Fortunately for the game balance of bridge (contract, auction } and suspension) the Samaritan hotline help has redirected him into } suicidal fantasies. } } You owe the Oracle a donation to the Samaritans, and an explanation of } how a cheerleader managed to get access to a terminal.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how do you convince a girl in a foreign country 10,000 miles away to > break up with her boy friend and spend all day writing email and > fantasizing about you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle can suggest three approaches, each with its own particular } merits. } } 1) Pre-emptive strike.  Murder all men in the world.  Just in case your } absent belle is bisexual, murder all the women.  For good measure, kill } off the German Shepherds while you're at it.  You are now the most } desirable thing on Earth. } } 2) Corrective surgery.  For a reasonable fee, Dr. Julius P. Merganzer } of Antwerp will add seven inches to your tongue. } } 3) Government guarantees.  Convince your local congressman to obtain } $27 million for "Improvement of International Relations."  Buy LOTS of } roses. } } You owe the Oracle a half dozen Geisha girls and a supply of sake.