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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh massively very most noble Oracle, master of all holiness, in whose > presence Corazon Aquino whimpers, whose ear is infinite, grant me this > morsel of your wisdom.  How can I turn my restaurateur into a beastie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} the oracle speaks...pay attention: } } for this you must not deal with things of this material, mortal, world } but must rely on magic.  You must collect for yourself one eye of newt, } one wing of bat and one leg of gila monster (particularly hard to find } these days).  Put all 3 ingredients in a large Dutch oven and 2.5 cups } of chicken broth, 1 tsp of each: oregano, parsley, & sage.  1/16 tsp } of cinnamon. 1/4 clove garlic. salt and pepper to taste.  Add mixed } vegetables such as round potatoes, carrots, peas, pea pods, water } chestnuts, red, yellow and green bell pepper strips.  Bring to a boil } for 15 minutes then simmer till only 1/2 broth is left.  Serve hot on a } rice pilaf. Garnish with a sprig of parsley or a clump of raw broccoli. } } Serve to the resteraunteur.  In the morning he will be...a beastie... } } The oracle has spoken...you owe it one batch of the above recipie which } serves 2....

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most nonpareil Oracle, paragon of pulchritude, please tell me, > > what is wrong with me??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         The top ten things wrong with you..... } } 10) You are a member of an insignificant species on a worthless } little planet in a backwater galaxy of a cluster of negligible } import. } } 9) You just irritated me by waking me up to answer your } question. } } 8) You are spending so much time close to the computer that you } are starting to develop subdermal radiation. } } 7) You are wasting your time chasing a futile degree to get a job } to become a soon-to-be-obscelete wage slave } } 6) You haven't showered recently enough, like all too many } computer nerds. Go shower, and I'll give you the next five. I can } wait..... } } {dum de dum de dum} } } Ah. Now where was I? } } 5) You're dripping water onto the keyboard. } } 4) You aren't spending enough time chasing members of the } appropriate species, much less the opposite sex. Leave the } fraternity's pet sheep alone. (Besides, you can catch 6 different } kinds of VD from it.) } } 3) You know more computer languages than ways to say "I love } you." } } 2) You don't grovel enough } } And the number one thing wrong with you....... } } 1) There are only nine things wrong with you, which makes it } damned hard to make a top ten list out of your $%!+ question. } }         You owe the ORACLE to remove at least two of the above } problems from this list. I suggest chasing members of the } appropriate sex as a fun hobby to take up. Here, Lisa.... } (BWAHAHA)    <Shriek> <Giggle> } } ERR: NET.CENSOR OVERIDE AT 23:00 HOURS

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty and wonderful Oracle: > > I was just trying to make up a list of the ten most humiliating things > that have ever happened to me, but I can't figure out how to order it. > Most of them are all humiliating in different ways, so I can't easily > tell which ones are worst, and which ones aren't quite so bad.  Can > you help? > > Oh, and if you have time, what are the most humiliating things that > are *going* to happen to me in the future?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Last night's party was PARTICULARLY vicious, and the hangover has } produced an odd sort of temporal dislocation.  Determining what lies in } your past as opposed to your future requires rather more concentration } than the Oracle is willing to expend today.  So, you'll have to be } satisfied with this list of the ten most humiliating experiences in } your life, in chronological order.  You should be able to figure out } which ones to look forward to. } } 1)  Birth. } 2)  Circumcision. } 3)  Toilet training. } 4)  The time your big sister dressed you in one of her old dresses, and }     took you to the park with a bunch of her friends, and your best }     friend Billy Jackson was there, and he ran around and told everyone }     that you were "cute". } 5)  When you tried to kiss Debbie Baum during lunch, and spilled }     chocolate milk into your lap, and you were so embarassed you pissed }     yourself. } 6)  The time you were at the movies with that beautiful, fascinating, }     sexy woman, the one you'd been saving yourself for, and you were }     about to ask her to marry you, and the guy in the seat behind you }     puked into your hair. } 7)  That time when the neighbor's rottweiler got loose and bit you on }     the butt and you had to stand through three job interviews the next }     day and explain why. } 8)  The day the small, green aliens snatched you out of your car, }     dissected you while you watched, put you back together with a flash }     of purple light, and left you semi-conscious, naked, and raving on }     the streets of Manhattan, and nobody noticed anything out of the }     ordinary. } 9)  The day you got up in the morning, got dressed, went to work, and }     spent four hours at your desk before you realized that you'd been }     fired the previous day. } 10) Death. } } You owe the Oracle two aspirin and the current time.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   To the mighty of the mighty.  To the big answer mark in the sky. >   To your eternal everything-ness. > >   * What should I do now? *

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DDDDDDDD    UU      UU    CCCCCC    KK      KK       !! } DD      DD  UU      UU  CC          KK    KK         !! } DD      DD  UU      UU  CC          KK  KK           !! } DD      DD  UU      UU  CC          KKKK             !! } DD      DD  UU      UU  CC          KK  KK           !! } DD      DD  UU      UU  CC          KK    KK } DDDDDDDD      UUUUUU      CCCCCCC   KK      KK       !! } }         Oops, you didn't duck. The assassin got you. Now the } location of the Maltese falcon will remain lost for another } twenty years. Had you ducked, of course, you then should have } told someone else, but dodging bullets should ALWAYS take } priority over socializing. Do better in your next incarnation. } }         You owe the ORACLE a Bogart movie that hasn't been } colorized, and a lead bird-shaped paperweight.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most incredibly wow-er-ific Oracle, in all your > peachy-keen-niftyness... Answer me query... > > It's almost 2 in the morning.  I have to work in the morning.  Why am I > sitting at a keyboard wasting my time like this?  And don't tell me I > need a woman.  I had one, but she was too much of a pain, so I sold her > to an Arab.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <burrrr burrrr> } } <burrrr burrrr> }   ...hmphhh? } <burrrr burrrr> } <YAWWWNN...> } <burrrr burCLICK> } } Geez, look at the time... Well, let's see what's so god-awful important } at this time of night that it sets off the alarm... } } That's it? Someone with neither the intelligence to go to bed at a } decent hour or the self-knowledge to understand what's keeping him up? } I've gotta get my emergency line calibrated. } } Well, as long as I'm up... } } You are staying up this late because you suffer from the absurd } delusion that the cold, sterile world of computers can offer you some } form of entertainment and comfort that can't be found in your warm bed. } You have a masochistic stubborness about you that will keep you awake } no matter how much pain you know you will suffer tomorrow as you } stumble through your job in a semconscious state. Despite your fierce } denial and therefore actual fears that you have no social life, your } social life is adequate and has nothing to do with your compu-nocturnal } activities. Far more important is your inability to face the reality of } your situation and the consequences of your actions. } } Normally I would charge double the standard psychiatric rate for a } simple diagnosis considering the lateness of the hour, but I'll let } this one be a freebie if you GO TO BED! } } ...oh, and by the way, I think you made a mistake selling your last } woman. She's turned out to be one of the best bargains I've ever gotten } from Hakim. } } Goodnight.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Through the pounding waves comes a small boat, containing only one > man.  His back is bent with the task of rowing his craft to the > rocky shore.  As the boat reaches the shore, a titanic wave crashes > it into the rocks, and smashes it to bits.  As the surf subsides, > it becomes clear that the pilot has survived virtually unscathed. > > He crawls up the beach away from the surf, and rests for a moment. > Then he begins the long ascent up the cliff facing the beach.  As > he proceeds higher, each step is made more perilous than the last > by the loose shale and gravel that cover the narrow goat path up > to the summit.  Finally, he reaches the top, and at once he is > assailed by the gale-force winds blowing across the mesa before him. > > He bends into the wind, and trudges single-mindedly into the storm. > After a time, snow begins to fall and the gale turns into a blizzard. > Just at the last moments of visibility before the coming twilight and > blowing snow swollow all chance of survival, his destination comes > into view: a one-room wooden shack which looks fit to be condemed, > but is never the less proof against the storm's fury. > > He opens the door, and the rusty hinges screem and groan in protest. > The inside reveals nothing save a table and a chair in one corner. > On the table is a terminal lighting the room in a ghostly blue-gray > glow.  The man sits before the terminal, which, as if sensing his > presence, displays a message which first appears to be in some > foriegn alphabet, but after a moment, it can be seen to be a very > odd font.  The message says: > >    Speak, traveler.  What question have you for the Oracle? > > For several long moments the traveler sits staring at the message. > Then he slowly begins to type on the keyboard: > >    Mighty Oracle: I have braved many hazards, risked my life, and >    forsook any hope of return to my native land to gain your >    wisdom.  The question I ask has been pondered by the wise men >    of my country to no avail -- but surely you must know. > >    This is the puzzle I seek to unlock: where lies the greatest >    treasure of life? > > After this, the traveler opens his pack, and makes camp in the > corner of the shack, to await an answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The greatest treasure of life is the one you have just given up.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I explode a person (or a naval base) and thereby create > worldwide economic stability?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The oracle speaks: } Oh you foolish mortal.  The answer is so simple.  All you need } do is watch one episode of the television show you humans call } MacGyver.  After just one hour of simple instruction you will } be told how to construct bombs, disarm bombs, and meet a beautiful } woman, all using simple household objects.  For instance, some } calcium phosphate, coal, sulfur and diamonds are a very effective } directional grenade when placed in a lead pipe. } } Next you must go to the doctor and have plastic surgery to make } yourself look like a famous person...any person would do.  Even } Richard Dean Anderson of the previously mentioned show.  Then } you call the white-+-house and get an invitation to a dinner } with the president.  You can hide the lead pipe in your pants } and you will be the hit of the party (thus getting the beautiful } women mentioned above). } } Then as the dinner is winding down you light a match and blow up } little millie the dog.  The resulting domino effect will collapse } the entire world into a chaotic ruin. } } The oracle has spoken:  You owe it one flea collar, one 14 carat } diamond and one 3 inch member extension.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                  An IMPASSE, is still an IMPASSE!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NO, IT'S NOT!  IT'S NOT!  I'M NOT LISTENING I'M NOT LISTENING -- OH, } SAY CAAAN YOU *SEEEEEEEE*, BY THE DAAAWN'S EAR-LY LIIIIGHT.... } } You owe the Oracle a megaphone and a pair of earplugs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that they are called "Apartments" when they are all pushed > together?  They hardly seem "apart" to me ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The term "apartment" was a brainstorm from the ancient marketing firm } of Eiriksson and Eiriksson, who also handled the "Greenland" account, } developed the "War to End all Wars" campaign, and acted as press agents } for Richard Nixon. } } You owe the Oracle a better image.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I find a map of a cat ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Find?!  Find, you say?  As if these things were just lying around } all over the place, waiting for you to pick them up?  Nay, irreverent } dabbler, such is not the way of cats. }       On the practical side, you have hit it on the nose (for which the } ASPCA has been duly notified, the Oracle preferring to leave you to } your earthly justice for this offense) with your specification "of A } cat." The problem is that they're all different. }       So, assuming that you have "found" a map *to* a cat, and have the } cat, getting the map of said cat is straightforward.  Clearly you need } to take it to your nearest hospital and have it cat-scanned!  You may } need many disks to contain the info, however. }       Only beware!  Your curiosity may kill the cat. } } You owe the Oracle: }       a) proper respect.  Go out and grovel to the 1st three people you }               meet. }       b) 2 Seldane.