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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Last night I drempt that I was eating a real big marshmellow, and when > I woke up, my pillow was gone.  What does this mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It means that you are dreaming very old jokes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mister Oracle Sir, so Please Your Greatness: > > The MammoGram Man came to my door last night.  He said he > had a "special suprize" for me, but I was scared.  He comes > every night now... what should I do?  And what are his shoes like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should purchase an ion detoxifier at the nearest K-Mart.  The next } time he comes to your door, give him the ion detoxifier and speak the } words of magic:  "Oy Veh, what do you mean by this!  Begorrah, but you, } sir, are a dipshit!  Be off, or I'll set the police on you as quick as a } flash!  Gawrsh!" He will trouble you no more. } } His shoes are like cockroaches.  Not very nice.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I a drunken dwarf?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, you are not a drunken dwarf.  You are an Andrea Dworkin Dunk. } } You owe the Oracle your testicles.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a "gemshorn"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} PASSWORD ACCEPTED... } } WELCOME TO NORAD: Would you like to play a game?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do Oracles eat?  If so, what do they prefer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracles do most certainly eat. In fact, they eat oracular amounts. } I can't speak for all Oracles, but most seem to have a preference } for Jolt*, Snickers*, and the occasional Twinkie*. } } *Oracles don't need trademarks.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that all of Your responses to other peoples' questions (as > posted in rec.humor) seem funny, but when I sent You a humorous > question, I got a response that looked like it had been dictated to a > bored scribe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fortunate mortal, you have finally reached the One and Only, True } Oracle.  Your previous questions were intercepted by my arch-enemy, the } anti-Oracle.  He attempts to discredit me by responding with terminally } boring answers so as to discourage further questions from my faithfull } followers.  As I am the one who controls the postings in rec.humor [not } really -sk], only my incredibly humorous (and true) answers are shown. } There is a procedure you must follow if you wish all you questions to } reach me.  You must recite the pledge of allegiance backwards, while } dancing around a burning american flag.  This will foil the } anti-Oracle's attempts to divert your mail from it's true destination. } (By the way, if you haven't guessed, the anti-Oracle is in fact George } Bush.  He used his techniques of mail diversion to intercept votes and } thereby fix the election.  On the next election, you should use the same } incantations to make sure that your vote doesn't get changed by this } insidious monster.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that the turn-signals a car are never in synch with the > turn-signals on any other car?  They always have different intervals and > go in and out of phase with each other.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What seems like an accident often turns out to be devilishly clever } design!  Consider that while you are driving your car and in motion, you } perceive only the turn signal of the vehicle in front of you.  This is } Good because your mind is not diverted from the daunting task of } piloting your car. } } On the other hand, when you are stopped waiting for a traffic light and } desperately wishing that you had remembered to bring some light reading } along, there are *several* turn signals visible to you, each with its } own individual periodicity.  In addition, you can hear your own turn } signals.  I'll wager that you often catch yourself playing little games } observing the beat frequencies of all these slightly out of phase } signals.  Don't worry:  these games are perfectly normal and help to } relax you, much like a light massage of your temples. } } Were it not for the relaxation afforded by asynchronous turn signals, } your mind would probably be boiling over in anger over the fact that you } are stopped at the traffic light by a mere convention.  Consider it! } You have been brainwashed, brainwashed by the STATE, to respond to } colored light signals.  Pretty soon someone's going to come around with } a flashlight and make you bark like a dog.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Aren't there any cute females *anywhere* that think programmers > are sexy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Silly mortal!  Of course there are.  However, they are not native to } your puny, backwater, orbit-around-a-second-rate-sun planet. } } You see, insignificant gnat, all programmers eventually recite one or } more lines of their programs out loud, followed by curses.  Little do } they know, but 99% of these utterances match syllable-to-syllable with a } Phrase from the Mystic Order of the Shining Oak Leaf Druid Society's } Book of Intimate Curses, Hexes, and Horrible Fortunes and Fates.  These } incantations render the person three chairs to the west of the invoker } completely and irrevocably un-appealing to members of the appropriate } sex, except for the ones decendant from a group of Amazon-like beings } from a star so far off that its light has not yet reached your mud-hole } of a world (The interactions between these aliens and The Mystic Order } is long and torrid and not fit reading for any being of less than } Oracular prowess).  Since the person three chairs to the left of the } invoker is ALWAYS another programmer (if your piddling physicists would } just realize this, the Grand Unified Theorem would fall neatly into } place), no programmer is considered sexy by any fellow human, cute or } otherwise. } } You owe the Oracle 5 bales of poison ivy (hand picked).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Bambi is a girl's name, right?  So why did Disney call a MALE deer Bambi > in its classic cartoon (now available on videocassette)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The usage of the feminine name Bambi is meant to forshadow Bambi's } future transvestite tendencies.  As Bambi grows up, he discovers Boy } George as a role model and attempts to dress exactly like him(?).  This } part of Bambi's life is not shown in the Disney movie that was released } to the public as it was deemed unsuitable for general audiences.  If you } are interested in seeing Bambi in drag, you can get a copy of the video } from you local video store by asking for 'the other Bambi movie'.  If } that doesn't get any response, try 'you know, the x-rated one'.  By this } time you should have gotten your point across and will either have a } copy of the movie or have been thrown out of the store.  If the latter } happens to be the case, try again at a less reputable video store. } } You owe the Oracle one Bambi corpse.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is there so much garbage in talk.bizarre?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Long, long ago, around the time of the founding of Netnews, there } existed a newsgroup net.garbage, for that very purpose.  Over time, } and across changes in the newsgroup naming conventions (such as the } introduction of talk.* groups), the Powers That Be renamed it several } times in hopes of attracting more subscribers, who had usually given } up on the group soon after starting to read it.  It went from } net.garbage to net.bagegar to talk.bizhgar to talk.bizarre. } So you see, its original purpose lives on.