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} Well, hundreds of years ago there used to be life on Earth, but now it
} is just a wasteland. It all started in the year 1992, when the United
} States re-elected George Bush to the White House. Unfortunately, due
} to a typographical error, Bush's name was switched with his
} running-mate on the electorial college ballots, and months later, Dan
} Quayle was sworn in as commander in chief. This caused considerable
} panic amongst the world, and as a result, the space colonialization
} program began in earnest. Within a year, seven million people had
} departed for Mars. As it turned out however, Quayle proved to be the
} worlds greatest leader. By the end of his third year, he had wiped out
} world hunger, homelessness, the drug problem, and the threat of atomic
} weapons. As Quayle himself said while accepting his third Nobel Peace
} Prize in 1996, 'Who knew?' (this was accompanied by his how famous
} shrugged shoulders gesture).
}
} Problems in space, however, were worsening. Among the seven million
} colonists were five million engineers, 1.7 million computer experts,
} 52,000 politicians, 52,000 assorted swimsuit models and porn film
} stars, 81,000 'top level' executives, 34,000 men and women of god (all
} religions), Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker, 10,100 interior designers, 17
} painters and wall-paperers, 30,000 lawyers (these were used as ballast,
} and due to a serious design flaw, food and air wasn't available to them
} during the eighteen month spaceflight), 38,000 doctors and nurses,
} 2,880 cooks and chefs, and one janitor. Needless to say, the place was
} a mess (literally). They soon learned the folly of leaving Earth so
} unprepared, and decided that the only course of action was to go back.
} This they planned to do, as soon as they could find the spaccraft keys
} in all the mess. These people are our ancestors.
}
} Meanwhile, back on Earth, Quayle was running out of things to do. He
} stabalized international finance, saved the ozone layer, brought the
} passenger pigeon back from extinction, found Noah's Ark, went over
} Niagra Falls in an innertube, starred with Arnold Schwarzenegger in
} Terminator 7: Jason Lives, and found a cure for Cancer, AIDS, and the
} common cold. His popularity was incredibly high (except with the
} Democrats, who claimed he was 'just getting lucky.'). This greatly
} annoyed the three surviving presidents on Earth, Ford, Carter, and Bush
} (Nixon revealed the fact that he really was a space alien in 1993, and
} Reagan left for Mars, along with his new wife, Traci Lords) who formed
} the evil triumvernate. These three plotted to kill Quayle, and on his
} African expidition to find Elvis, they ambushed his camp, and noogied
} him to death.
}
} The entire world went into mourning, and decided to erect an 'eternal
} flame' to his memory. Thousands of designs were considered, and the
} eventual winner was six year old Billy Thornhill who suggested that
} 'we use the sun as the eternal flame.' As usual with governmental
} projects, the idea got out of hand. A large holder was constructed in
} Quayle's home state of Indiana, and the Earth was slowly moved closer
} to the sun, until someone realized that maybe this wasn't such a good
} idea after all. But by then it was too late, and within a few weeks,
} the oceans dried up, and the Earth became the barren wasteland it is
} today, incapable of supporting life.
}
} You owe the Oracle some 2000000 SPF sunblock
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